Other Skyloft Farm - A 'Farmer'/Alex/Shane Fic [**Complete**]

Alrighty so I read through chapter 5 now. I'm really enjoying it, but you had me worried there for a sec Abby was gonna go off into the war. The feels are hitting strong and I can only imagine they'll get worse. You're doin a fantastic job so for, and I'm excited to read through till 12.

 

they're fairly short... about the length of the chapters so far i guess lol! i'm aiming to post two a day

 

I had started to lose count of the days as each one wore on, melting into the next. The same old routine, day in and day out. Collect the eggs, milk the cows and goats, sheer the sheep, check their food and water, make hay, weed, water, and harvest the crops. And when that was done, I spent time with Jak and Penny, helping her teach the kids about life on the farm. Even Shane partook in some of the classes, emerging from his collection of frozen pizza boxes to spend time with Jas. Which then brought Sam to to the farm on some days, sometimes helping Vincent with his school work, other times distracting them from Penny until she yelled at Sam.

It was comforting to see them all come together, working together, playing and laughing on my farm. It was what I had always hoped life would be like with Alex and our children. And someday, I would have that. As soon as Alex came back. My heart ached for him. He would have loved to been here with everyone.

As the weeks passed, I started to feel more and more pregnant. Between the morning sickness, the back pain, and the cravings, I knew I would need to see Dr. Harvey soon. But that only meant he would tell me to stop working. But summer was coming to an end. I had too much to do. I couldn’t stop yet. Not just yet.

The pain was worse one morning as I began to harvest some crops. Shane was on the other side of the field, working on the corn. I tried to stretch out my back without him noticing, but it only made the pain worse. The cramping moved to my sides and my stomach. I started to feel nauseous. I needed to sit down, just for a minute. I waited until Shane turned away and hurried into the house. I searched the medicine cabinet in the bathroom for asprin. Anything to stop the pain.

“Are you okay?” Shane’s voice was on the other side of the door.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. I could hear the concern in his voice.

“Yes,” I called through the door. I swallowed the pills quickly, praying they would take away the pain that shot through my body. There was too much to be done.

I opened the door. Shane stood just outside, worried.

I smiled. “I’m fine. I promise.”

“All right,” he said hesitantly. “But please tell me if you’re getting tired.”

I sucked in a breath. “Nope, I’m good.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to see Dr. Harvey?”

“It’s just a little back pain from the milking earlier. I’m fine. Really.”

“Did he say anything? Can you keep working?”

I pushed passed him. “Yes,” I muttered. “I promise I will stop when he tells me to.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but he followed me outside. His eyes were on me the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, studying me.

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane said as we finished for the day.

“I said I’m fine, Shane. You don’t need to worry.”

“Well, I do. Please just go. What does it hurt?”

I sighed. I needed to get him off my back. “Fine,” I muttered.

He followed me into town, as if expecting me to skip out. He practically pushed me into the office. Maru smiled as we entered and her eyes went to my belly.

“Starting to show,” she said happily.

I nodded.

“She has back pain,” Shane said.

“It’s nothing,” I mumbled.

Dr. Harvey stood in the doorway, hearing us enter. “Back pain?”

Shane nodded.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Harvey asked as he walked to me.

“I’m fine. Really. He’s overreacting.”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt to be cautious, hm?” He looked me over quickly. “Let’s take a look.”

I followed him out of the waiting room, leaving Shane behind, and into the exam room.

“You are getting into your second trimester,” Dr. Harvey said.

“Listen, I’m fine. It’s just a little back pain from working this morning.”

Dr. Harvey nodded. “Most likely. We can run some tests, though, just to be safe.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want any tests. Please.”

Dr. Harvey sighed. “All right. But if it continues or get worse, please come back right away. It might not be a good sign. And for now, I think you should take it easy. Cut back on the farm work. You’re getting further along now, so you need to make some cutbacks.”

I groaned. “All right. Fine.”

Dr. Harvey smiled. “You’ll be fine. You’ve got a lot of help around here.”

I nodded and left the exam room, pushing passed Shane and back outside. He hurried behind me.

“What did he say?”

“He said I’m fine. Just like I said.”

“Did he do some kind of test?”

“No. I don’t need a test. I’m fine.”

Shane didn’t except this answer. “How can he know that? What did he say? Do you need to stop working?”

I was irritated now. “He said I’m fine, Shane. Relax. Go get a damn drink or something.” I left him standing alone in the square and made my way back home.

 

feels warning...

It had been a week since I saw Dr. Harvey, but the pain did not go away. I tried to drown it with any drug I could find in my bathroom, but it only dulled the pain. I knew I should stop working, but there was just a few left things to do before winter settled, and I was determined to get everything done before I sat on my ass all winter, getting fatter and fatter.

Shane and I were just finishing for the day when I started to feel ill. He pushed me into the house until I collapsed onto the couch, exhausted.

“You need to see Harvey,” Shane growled at me.

I shook my head. I was sweating. “I’m fine. I just did a little too much today. Have this cold coming, too, I think. I just need to rest.”

“Do you still have the pain?”

“No.” I lied. I met Shane’s gaze and smiled in an attempt to reassure him. “I just need a nap. Jak has Penny. I’ll be fine. Couple of hours.”

Shane seemed to give up. “All right. Fine. But I’m coming to check on you later.”

I shrugged. “Whatever makes you feel better, man.”

I listened as he got up and left, the door closing quietly behind him. It was eerily quiet in the house. But I was tired, and fell asleep quickly.

*****



I awoke quickly to a strange sensation in my stomach. A familiar pain - like the contractions I had felt with Jak. My heart raced. It couldn’t be contractions - could it? No, I was far too early to give birth. Only my second trimester.

I tried to stand, but my knees shook and the pain shot through me. I fell to the floor, on my hands and knees, and groaned. I crawled to the wall and propped myself up against it, sitting on the floor.

My head spun from the pain - pain unlike anything I had felt before. Pain worse than any childbirth. I clutched at my stomach. There was blood all around me. Where had it come from? The pain ripped through my body and I cried in agony. I wondered if I would die there, with no one around to find me. It was dark - everyone was in their homes, with their families, together. And I was alone.

Jak cried in the next room. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t help him. Who would care for him when I was gone? Penny? Leah? I needed to call someone. My phone was just in my pocket.

I struggled to move my body to get my hand around the phone. My stomach burned in searing pain. I could hardly breathe. I needed to call someone. Anyone. I hit redial.

“Kate?"

I couldn’t recognize the voice. I tried to look at the name on the screen, but it was a blur. My head spun rapidly.

"Kate? Are you okay?"

No. I wasn’t okay. But I couldn’t find the words I needed. I groaned and the phone dropped from my hands. I lay on the floor and waited.

*****



I was drifting in and out of consciousness when I hear the voices. Hands grabbed at my arms and pulled at me. I felt a solid surface against my head and grew nauseous. I was sitting up now and the world started to come to around me.

"We need to get her to Dr. Harvey."

"Someone call him and tell him we’re on our way."

"C'mon, Kate, I’ve got ya.” Shane lifted me off the floor. He carried me in his arms out the door.

The night air was cool - fall was on our doorstep. I looked around. Penny was on the phone, talking frantically to who I assumed was Dr. Harvey. Lewis was beside Shane. He smiled at me when I met his gaze.

“Well, what on Earth happened to you?” he said in his usual way - an attempt to lighten the grim situation at hand. But this time, his voice shook. Panicked.

Dr. Harvey met us up the road, running towards us with some tools in hand.

“What happened?” He searched frantically for my pulse. He pressed against my stomach. The pain was too much. I screamed.

They spoke frantically to one another. I couldn’t make out their voices.

“There was blood everywhere…"

"Get her inside."

The lights of his office were too bright. It made my head hurt and spin even more. Shane put me down on one of the beds. I continued to drift in and out of consciousness as Dr. Harvey worked.

When I came to once more, I was alone. I had no idea how long I had been out for. I searched the room and found a clock in the wall. One o’clock. The window was dark. I pushed myself up in the bed. My heart rate beeped on the monitor. I jumped for a moment as I realized I was attached to equipment. Dr. Harvey must have noticed, because he was at my side in an instant.

"How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Okay.” My voice, though soft, sounded too loud.

He sat on the edge of the bed. I knew what he was going to say. I knew what had happened. It didn’t make it any easier for him. Or me.

“She’s gone,” I said.

Dr. Harvey nodded, his eyes wet. “I’m so sorry."

I shook my head and lay back down. "Not your fault,” I muttered, staring at the ceiling.

“I couldn’t save you both,” he said softly. “I thought I was going to lose you.” He hesitated. “I chose you.” I could tell the choice pained him greatly, but I couldn’t comfort him. It was his job as a doctor, after all.

“What happened? Why did it happen?"

He shook his head and cleared his throat. "Could have been any number of things.” He was hiding something.

“It’s my fault."

He met my gaze, his brows knit together. "Why would you say that?"

"I didn’t take care of her."

"This isn’t your fault. Please know that. Things happen."

But it was my fault. I didn’t heed Dr. Harvey’s precautions. I didn’t take care of myself. I let myself fall into a state of stress and depression. I worked too hard around the farm, despite everyone’s arguments. I ignored them all, and I lost my baby because of it.

Shane’s head poked in from around the corner.

"I want to keep her until the morning,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “You can go home, Shane."

"If you don’t mind, I’ll stay. Kinda promised Alex, anyway."

Dr. Harvey didn’t bother argue. He patted my leg as he stood up and left the room. Shane made himself comfortable in the chair beside my bed, kicking his legs up on the arm of the chair.

"You don’t have to stay."

Shane shrugged. "It’s either here or drink at the bar."

"It’s one in the morning."

"Yup. And Gus has it running all night tonight."

"Why?"

"Well, guess everyone was just pretty shook up about what happened. They’ve been waiting for updates."

"Oh."

"You know how it goes. Small town."

"Mhm."

Shan was quiet. "They care. Want to make sure you’re okay."

"Yeah."

"I can go update them now.” He started to get up.

“Can you stay?"

He paused. "Mhm. Course.” He sat back down.

We sat in silence for a moment, each lost in our own thought.

“I would have named her Clara,” I finally said, my voice breaking.

Shane nodded. "Clara. Good name. I bet Clara would have looked just like you.”

“She has Alex’s eyes."

"Hopefully not his attitude."

I forced a smile.



*****



Gus pulled his phone out of his pocket. A text from Shane.

"This one’s on me, people,” he said with a heavy sigh. “To baby Clara."

The glasses raised around the room.

"To baby Clara.”

 

oh... about abby...
how those feels feeling right about now?? lol

 

Well right now they're feelin good. Maybe you've done stuff in the other chapters I don't know about. Fam plz don't hurt my waifu. I beg of ye.

 

“Kate?”

Shane’s voice. He knocked at the door.

“Kate? Kate. C’mon, Kate.”

It was locked. I hardly ever locked the door. The knob jiggled. He knocked harder. His voice was strained.

“Kate… Kate… C’mon… Open the door…”

My ass hurt. I hadn’t moved from my corner on the floor. Across from me, I could still see the blood. Though it had been cleaned up days ago, it stained my memory.



*****



I heard the voices outside. They were trying to get in again. Penny was with them this time. I heard Maru. Dr. Harvey.

Penny wanted my child. Jak. She was going to take Jak from me. My son. My only son.

Her voice was soft. Concerning. A mask.

“Kate, please,” she begged. “Let us in. Let me take Jak for you. Let’s talk.”

No. Not my son. Don’t take my son.

I cradled him in my arms. He was sleeping soundly. How big he was getting. He was walking. Babbling. “Mama,” he would say. “Mama? Outside, Mama.”

I remembered reading somewhere that a child’s first words were usually Daddy.

Dusty edged closer to my side. Misu lay at my feet. I cried into the dog’s fur.

——



Shane stood in Dr. Harvey’s office. Dr. Harvey busied himself with paperwork at his desk, not looking at Shane.

“She needs help,” Shane muttered.

“I’ve done all I can do to help her.”

“She doesn’t come out of that house. No one has seen her in weeks. There has to be something you can do.”

Dr. Harvey looked him over carefully. “She’ll pull through this.” He turned back to his papers.

“I’m not so sure.”

Dr. Harvey stood, his brows knit together. “What do you want me to do, Shane? Load her up on pills? That won’t help her. I won’t do that to her. It will only mask the problem.”

“It will help her.”

He shook his head. His forehead creased with worry. “She’s not in a good place. Drugs… they’re too strong. I wouldn’t want them in her possession. I won’t risk it.”

“That’s your go to excuse for everything.”

Dr. Harvey narrowed his eyes. “Why? Because I wouldn’t give you, a depressed alcoholic, any? Because I don’t trust you not to fuck up? I’m a doctor. I do what is in the best interest for my patients. Drugs are not in anyone’s best interest right now. Not hers, and certainly not yours.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about Kate.”

Dr. Harvey shook his head. “I don’t trust you, Shane. All it takes is one bad night. You know that as well as I do. One night of drinking, one night of too many pills. There’s been enough death and drama here. I won’t put up with any more.”

Shane could feel his chest tighten. A mixture of shame and helplessness. He just wanted to help her. To see her smile again. “So I’m supposed to just sit here and watch her suffer?” he hissed. “She will destroy herself.”

“She has an entire community to help her. I’m confident she will pull through this. She’s a tough girl. She just needs time.”

Shane turned, defeated, and headed for the door.

“You’re in dangerous territory,” Dr. Harvey said to him. “She’s a married woman.”

Shane hesitated before slamming the door shut behind him.



*****



“Kate?” It was his voice again. This time, it was stern. Harsh, Cold. “Damnit, Kate,” he growled. “I’m getting you out of here, whether you like it or not.”

I listened as he fumbled with the knob. There was a strange, careful sound. Clicking. Picking. He was picking my lock. The door opened.

Miso greeted him, rubbing against his legs and letting out a whine. He followed the cat into the bedroom. Dusty wagged his tail and whined, but did not get up from his spot on the edge of the bed.

“Kate.”

I felt his body next to mine but I could not move, trapped in my own mind. My body felt numb. His arm brushed up against me. There was a pain in my chest and in my stomach, but it wasn’t real: a memory of the pain Clara had caused my body.

I waited, expecting him to say more. To encourage me to get up. To go outside. To talk. But he didn’t. His arm wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him. I didn’t move. Couldn’t move. My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to cry, but I felt like there was no water left in my body. I was thirsty. Hungry. My stomach growled.

I was suddenly upright, staring into Shane’s eyes. He was pulling at me. Pulling my arms. I was on my feet, but my knees buckled under my weight. I fell into his arms and sobbed into his chest. He lifted me. Sat me on the bed. Held my hands. Looked into my eyes.

“I brought pizza.” His voice cracked.

He stood and left. I panicked. I searched for him, and he returned with a glass of water.

“Come on.”

I took the glass and stared at it.

“Drink that, and the next one will be vodka.”

He was trying to be funny. I would have smiled. Would have laughed. I pressed the glass to my lips and emptied it. It was so cold. So refreshing.

He pulled me up once more. I steadied myself on his arm. He pulled me into the bathroom and started the shower.

“In.”

I stared at the running water. It looked cool. I pulled off my shirt.

“Woah. Okay. You got this.”

He closed the door quickly and I slunk into the shower. I stood as the water cascaded over my body. I let the water run for a few minutes before turning it off. I pulled the towel from it’s hanger and wrapped it around me. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and looked at my fogged reflection. I looked like death. I dried myself, shimmied into my clothes, and made my way into the kitchen. There was a basket of fruit on the table. I sat and eyed the arrangement.

“Penny brought that for you,” Shane said casually as he sat beside me.

I picked at the grapes and plopped them into my mouth. Crunchy and sweet. My stomach growled in response. Shane smiled approvingly.

 

Shane slept on the couch that night. He didn’t trust me alone. But I had been alone for a long time. Long before I came to Stardew. I knew how to be alone.

I listened through the night at his restless snoring. A few times, it was quiet. I wondered if he was awake, listening for me, but he never got up.

He had coffee ready when I got up, and I drank it eagerly.

“You know,” he said. “I’ve been keeping up with everything out there. Now, I’m not saying you owe me, but a thank you would be nice.”

I sipped my coffee. My farm. My animals. I was a terrible farmer.

Shane watched me for a moment. “Listen,” he said matter-of-factly. “If I have to get up and get through each day, you do, too.”

My chest tightened.

“We’re gonna get through each day, okay?” His eyes were soft. I met his reassuring gaze and nodded.

“Okay,” he said. He stood and held his hand to me. “At least come check out the farm.”

He lead me outside, Jak in my arms, and guided me through the farm. The crops had all been harvested. It looked so empty. The air was cool. Winter was close. He brought me into the barn and pointed at the trough.

“Look,” he said. He made his way over, showing me the spicket above the trough. “It’s connected to the well, like the sprinklers, so you don’t have to worry about frozen hoses this winter.” He straightened and admired his work. “I can’t take all the credit. Gus and Clint helped me with this. Actually, it was Vincent’s and Jas’s idea. Smart, eh?”

I forced a smile.

Shane’s eyes were soft, but he forced a smile in return. “So, you know. Pretty cool. Auto waterers. Did it in the coop, too. With the heater going, you’ll be all set.”

He pulled me out of the barn and to the stable. Moose greeted us with a nicker and Shane treated him to a carrot.

“He’s been looking for you,” Shane said as he patted the horse’s nose. He moved aside and I reached for his warm neck, scratching him just under his mane. His ears flicked at the bugs and he sighed happily.

I followed Shane back across the farm towards the house. I sat on the front steps and rocked Jak quietly. Shane sat beside me and sighed.

“Well,” he began. “I did what I could around here.”

I nodded.

“I wish there was more I could do.” His voice was soft. “For you.”

I let my hand brush through Jak’s hair and he yawned. I felt Shane’s eyes on me.

“What do you want me to do?”

I didn’t even know what I wanted. How could I answer such a question? There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t bring my baby back. Couldn’t bring Alex back. Couldn’t change any of it.

Suddenly exhausted, I leaned against his shoulder and sighed. They rose and fell softly with each breath. After a moment, I felt his hand on my chin and he pulled me to him, forcing me to meet his gaze. His eyes searched mine.

“Just say something,” he whispered.

I pulled away and looked to my feet. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t have anything to say. I hadn’t even heard my own voice in so long. I looked over my farm. The sprinklers lay dormant. The trees were bare. But the fences were in tact. The animals fed on the browning grass. The silo was stocked.

“Thanks.”

 

The snow came early, bringing fall to a very cold ending. The farm was blanketed in white, and Jak was amazed as he jumped through the drifts, his eyes sparkling beneath his little hat and scarf. I smiled as I watched him play, my coffee warm in my hands. I had already checked on the animals and they were tucked in happy and warm. There was nothing to be done on the farm that day - a much needed break for Shane and I, and surly Penny who had her hands full with the two kids and a rambunctious toddler. But that morning, I was alone with my son, enjoying the first snowfall of the year.

I had been dreading the winter, knowing there would not be much to do to keep me busy like there was in the spring and summer. But I felt surprisingly at ease as I sat on the door step. I had made it this far without Alex and it had started to get easier. The worst was behind me - losing him, losing Clara. I couldn’t imagine anything getting worse. For once, I felt a sense of peace. I didn’t need my familiar routine, and I was grateful for that. I was ready to live in the moment with my son - to see the joy on his face on Christmas Eve, the sparkle in his eyes as he watched the snow fall. He was growing up too fast.

“Cold enough for ya?”

Shane sat beside me, rubbing his hands together.

“What are you doing here?”

“What? Don’t want me around now that there’s no work to do? I see how it is.”

I smiled. “No. You know that’s not true.”

“Hmp.” He crossed his arms.

“Shane…” I hesitated.

“Yeah?”

I shrugged. “Thanks for all your help around here.”

“Someone’s gotta do it.”

I turned to him. “I mean it. With everything that happened…”

He waved his hand at me but did not meet my gaze. “Forget about it.”

I looked at my feet. It all felt like an eternity ago. The pain. The blood. The darkness.

I pushed the memory out of my head and watched Jak play.

“You probably saved my life.”

Shane was quiet. He was watching Jak, too. He shrugged. “Nah. Just didn’t feel like explaining to Alex why I didn’t keep a better eye on you.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Plus, who would get stuck with Jak? And this farm? I mean, we had a lot riding on your survival.”

“You just can’t be serious, can you?”

Shane met my gaze. “I don’t do well with serious.”

“Well, I’m sorry to have been such a burden on your non-serious lifestyle.”

“Yeah, you should be. I can’t handle all this drama. I’ve got enough of it.”

I sighed.

Shane pulled me into his side. “All right. I’m kidding. I’m done.” He kissed my head.

my heart seemed to skip in my chest. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s the least I could do. I owed you.”

“You owed me? For what?”

He stood and stretched. “A life for a life, hm?” He turned to me and smiled. “Anyway, I’m freezing my ass off out here. See you later?”

I nodded and watched him walk down the road into town.

A life for a life.

I returned to watching Jak. He chased Dusty through the snow. The dog bounded in the snow drifts happily. I knew Shane struggled with something in his past, but he always kept it to himself. Despite how close we had grown, I felt like I hardly knew him. I hated the idea of not knowing, but I could see it in his smile that he was okay. Whether it was because of me or not. At least, I hoped he was okay.

I was okay. Even in the dreariness of winter, where I usually felt my worst, I was okay. I wanted to do nothing more but to enjoy this magical time of year with my son. I pulled out my phone and texted Penny. ‘Bring the kids over.’

“How about a ride?” I said to Jak, standing and taking his hand. He jumped excitedly at my side.

“Moose?” he said over and over. He loved spending time with the animals.

“Go get your sled,” I instructed him.

I watched as he waddled through the snow, taking his large sled and dragging it behind him. I took the rope from him as he hopped into it and I pulled him across the farm and to the paddock where Moose greeted us. I patted the horse’s neck and fed him a carrot before throwing his saddle on and tying a long piece of rope to the sled. I tied the other end to the horn and stepped into the stirrup, throwing my leg over. I turned over my shoulder; Jak waited excitedly in the sled.

“Ready?”

“Fast!”

I pushed Moose forward, slowly at first until we were out of the paddock, and then into a trot across the farm until we got back to the house, Jak laughing the whole way. Penny was waiting for us with Jas and Vincent and they cheered excitedly as we approached.

“I wanna ride!” Vincent said.

“As long as Miss Penny says it’s okay,” I said to them, but Jas was already in the sled, holding Jak tightly against her.

“Go, Moose, go!” she shouted.

“Well, I guess I have no choice,” Penny said. Vincent didn’t hesitate to follow suit, climbing in behind Jas.

“Giddy-up, Moose!” Vincent yelled, his hands in the air.

I pushed Moose back into a trot, and then into a graceful canter across the farm, the little sled gliding across the snow behind us. The kids cheered and laughed as we sped across the farm and towards the forest. I slowed Moose back to a trot as we passed Marnie and Shane. Jas waved excitedly to her aunt and stuck her tongue out at Shane who had his arms crossed, smirking.

We passed Leah as she emerged from her cabin, bundled in a scarf, waving to us. We weaved through the trees and around the lake as the afternoon wore on and eventually darkened into an early evening. We made our way back into town, dropping Vincent off first, then back to drop off Jas. Shane waited outside for her. She kissed Jak’s head before bounding towards Shane.

“Did you have fun?” he asked.

Jas nodded enthusiastically before turning to stroke Moose’s nose.

“Thanks, Moose!” She met my gaze and smiled. “Thanks, Miss Kate.”

Jak clapped his hands and yawned.

“See ya later?” I said to Shane as I scratched Moose’s neck.

Shane nodded. “Guess so.”

I hesitated, caught in his smile. I cleared my throat, took the reins, and attempted to hide my face in my scarf, which suddenly felt much too warm. “Bye.”

I clucked to my horse and he obeyed, bringing us out of the woods and back to the farm, where I untacked him and carried my sleepy son back into the house. I tucked him into bed before falling onto the couch with a beer in hand. I looked at the beer and smiled to myself. Everything was going to be okay.

 

I held Jak’s hand as he waddled through the snow, bundled in his winter jacket, hat, and gloves. Jas and Vincent played with him excitedly, making snowballs for him which he threw enthusiastically to the ground. Even Evelyn and George were outside, playing with their grandson. It had been snowing almost all week, but the sun had made an appearance today, bringing everyone out to enjoy the freshly fallen snow. Sam and Sebastian skated on their home made ice rink, shooting pucks at each other and Gus brought us hot chocolate. Jodi knelt in the snow beside me, adjusting Vincent’s hat. But we grew quiet when we heard an engine coming down the road. An engine that did not belong to Pam’s bus.

I watched as Jak giggled in the snow with Jas and Vincent. They rolled a snowball together until it grew larger and larger to form the base of their snowman. Jak waddled after them as they rolled the snowball down the road. I looked up as Lewis came into the square and my heart stopped. Beside him was a man dressed in his army uniform. He was here for either Jodi or I.

I stood along side Jodi and watched the two men walk towards us. The town was silent now, watching as the two men walked toward us solemnly. My stomach knotted and twisted as we waited, each step seeming to take longer than the last. In the man’s hand, I could make out the distinct shape of a set of dog tags, but I couldn’t make out the name on them.

“Mrs. Mullner?”

I stared at the tags in the man’s hands, frozen to the ground. Jak continued to play, laughing loudly at the giant snowball before him.

“Mrs. Mullner?”

“Yes?”

The man hesitated, looking around. All eyes were on us.

“Is there somewhere private we can talk?”

My gaze was still locked on the tags. I shook my head slowly. “We’re all family here.”

I looked up at the man as he began to speak, but I couldn’t hear the words. I watched as his lips moved but no sound came out.

“What?”

I watched his lips once more and forced my mind to focus.

“… missing in action…”

His hand with the tags extended toward me. I took the tags from him, but they fell through my fingers and into the snow. I felt a hand on my shoulder, another on my arm, and then someone had grabbed me - catching me.

“Kate.”

“No. No, no.”

There was yelling. It was Pam. I looked up to see her pointing a finger at the soldier. Penny pulled her mother back, but Pam continued to yell. Crying. Evelyn was crying.

“Inconsiderate…. lost a child… how dare you…”

“Mom!”

“Pam, enough…”

“Kate.”

The voice was close. I looked up and met Shane’s gaze. He forced a smile.

“C'mon. Let’s get out of here, hm?”

Jak’s laughter rang through my ears.

“Jak.” My son. I wanted my son. I needed him in my arms.

“Yeah. Let’s go get him something to eat. He must be hungry.”

I nodded and let Shane pull me to my feet.

“Where are you taking her?” Leah was at Shane’s side.

“Home.”

I bent down and picked up Jak from his play in the snow, cradling him close to me. I let Shane guide me through the square. Pam’s shouting, Evelyn’s crying. Leah’s hand was on my arm, the tags in her hand. I took them from her without a word as Shane pushed me out of the square. Jak babbled and giggled as the snow began to fall.

Inside the house, I put Jak on the floor in his play pen and he busied himself with his toys. I was suddenly exhausted. I slid against the wall and onto the floor. Shane sat beside me, watching Jak play. When the tears finally came, he pulled me into his arms and let me cry into his chest.

I sobbed and his arms tightened around me. I felt his head against me. His hand brushed through my hair. I wanted him to hold me forever.

I didn’t know how long we sat there, but when I felt as if I had nothing left to cry, I pulled away from Shane and rubbed my face. My eyes stung and my mouth was dry. I got to my feet, but my knees shook. I steadied myself against the wall. I heard Shane get up behind me and I suddenly just wanted him gone. I just wanted to be alone, in the dark.

“You can go now,” I muttered to him.

“Kate-”

“Just go!”

It was quiet. Shane hadn’t budged. I didn’t know what to do or say. I turned to him. His eyes were tired. Sad. I couldn’t read him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll go.”

I watched Jak play as Shane walked around me and down the stairs. I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop him. I wanted him to stay. I changed my mind; I didn’t want to be alone. But I couldn’t find the words. I turned around to call for him, but he was gone.

 

There was a knock at the door that night. I bolted up right from the couch. I didn’t remember falling asleep. I hurried into Jak’s room, but he was sleeping soundly. I didn’t even remember putting him in his crib. I rubbed my eyes, still hot and sore from crying that afternoon and into the night. The knock returned, louder.

“Kate.” The voice was muffled.

I hurried to the door, pulling it open, greeted by the shockingly cold air. Shane leaned against the frame. He reeked of alcohol.

“Shane?” I blinked in the darkness. I didn’t even know what time it was. The lamp outside lit the tiny snowflakes as they drifted slowly to the ground.

“Got beer?” Shane pushed passed me.

“What?” I closed the door. “Uh. Yeah.”

“Gus kicked me out,” he mumbled as he took a beer from the fridge.

“Huh?” I blinked. It was dark in the room. I switched on a light. “What time is it?”

Shane shrugged. “Like. One. Ish.” He squinted in the light. His eyes were red.

“Are you drunk?”

“Nah.”

I stood dumbly in front of the door, still trying to orient myself.

“You’re trashed.”

He pointed the bottle at me. “And why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Shane let the bottle slam down against the table and let his head rest in his hand. He swirled the bottle around, staring at it.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

My throat tightened. “Why are you here?” I choked out.

Shane was quiet. His eyes turned to me. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool.”

“Shane.” I steadied my voice. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re sad and I have to make it better.”

“Why?”

“Because.” He sighed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“You should go.”

Shane stood and nodded. “Yup.”

I walked him to the door. He paused, his hand on the knob. His eyes met mine. He put his hands on my face. His lips pressed against me. I jerked back, shocked, and he stumbled forward.

“Shane.”

“Yeah.” He opened the door. He turned to me and smiled. “Not sorry.”



*****



“I am so sorry,” he groaned. He buried his face in his hands.

Gus met my gaze. I shook my head. No alcohol tonight. Not ever. I was just as hung over as Shane.

I snacked on the pretzels on the counter. “You were definitely not sorry.”

“What?”

I met his gaze and shrugged. “You said, ‘Not sorry.’”

Shane groaned. “Well, I am.”

I turned back to the pretzels. “No you’re not.”

Shane pushed himself away from the bar. I watched him leave. The wind blew through the door as he closed it. I sighed, pushed away, and followed him into the cold night. He walked away from the saloon, his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched in the cold. I had to run to catch up to him.

“Shane.”

He paused and turned to me. “Wait. Why are you hung over?”

I shrugged. “Being drunk looked like a good idea after you left.”

Shane pinched his lips together and looked up into the night sky.

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured him. “You were just drunk.”

Shane walked forward, the snow crunching under his feet. I hesitated, but followed him.

“It was stupid,” he said as he walked. “I didn’t want to get drunk. Well. Only a little.”

“Why?”

“Because I felt like shit. Why else? Alex is gone. I mean, hell, I just got you out of the house.” He hesitated. “I don’t know. There’s just… a lot on my mind. And now this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Alex could be alive,” I said quietly, feeling my throat tighten.

He hesitated. Shane’s voice was soft. “Yeah. He could be.”

I searched his face. “You don’t think he is.”

Shane didn’t say anything. That was answer enough for me. I turned away, but he grabbed my hand. I hesitated, but didn’t turn back to face him.

“Tell me what to say,” he whispered in the dark.

“You’ve said enough,” I muttered under my breath.

“Kate, please. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to believe he’s… gone.”

I was quiet. His hand was still on my wrist. My chest hurt. My stomach twisted. He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t.

My wrist was cold. Shane’s hand was gone. I looked over my shoulder. He shoved his hands back into his pockets, watching me through the falling snow.

“Kate…”

“Yes?”

His mouth opened, then snapped shut. “Shouldn’t you be home with your kid or something?” He trudged through the snow, leaving me alone in the cold night.

 

I stood at the back of the empty church, fingering the tags around my neck. Shane cleared his throat, leaning against the wall. I ignored him. He walked over and stood beside me, looking up at the ceiling.

“You don’t come off as a religious person to me.”

“I’m not.”

“Interesting.”

“Are you following me?”

He scoffed. “Please. I have better things to do.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Kate, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, so you’re here for my forgiveness? Or to make yourself feel better?”

“Kate…”

“You’re a real ass sometimes, you know that?”

“Yes.”

I let my thumb run over the lettering on the tags. Shane was watching me.

“Obviously I don’t have a good hold on my emotions,” Shane muttered.

“I’ll say.”

Shane shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know you’ve been through a lot. But I have, too.”

“Please, tell me about your rotten childhood and I’ll tell you about mine.”

Shane didn’t say anything. I regretted the words immediately.

“It’s not even about that,” he mumbled. “Watching you go through all this is hard, too. Seeing you on that floor… the blood everywhere… Alex being M.I.A…” His voice shook.

“Stop.” I couldn’t deal with the memories. And I didn’t want to see him hurting. Those were my troubles. My pain. No one else should be suffering. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t stop to consider how all of this would effect you. But these are my problems. I’m the one that should be suffering. Not you. You’re not involved in any of this.”

“Well, it’s a little too late for that.”

“I’m sorry Alex asked you to do this.”

“I’m not.”

I hesitated. “Why?”

He met my gaze but didn’t say anything. I continued to fiddle with the tags. His eyes were on my fingers. He moved closer. His fingers were on mine, tracing the edges of Alex’s tags. My breath caught in my throat. He studied the tags for a moment before his eyes met mine. His breath was warm on my cheek.

A door slammed and we both jumped. I turned to see Pierre at the head of the church, replacing the flowers at the alter. He turned to us and smiled before leaving out the back door.

“Can you just accept my apology?”

I nodded slowly, avoiding Shane’s gaze. “Only if you stop coming to my house drunk.”

Shane crossed his heart with his finger. “Promised. I’m cutting back. No more drunk nights.”

I rolled my eyes and ignored the sensation of my heart racing in my chest. “Yeah. We’ll see about that.” I walked away from him, tucking the tags safely beneath my shirt.



*****



It had been a week since I had seen Shane, or anyone in town for that matter. I had resorted to staying in the house with Jak, falling into another round of depression. The tv played the news on almost every channel, updating us of the war, which had been unchanged for some time, but the future was still bleek for our army. I couldn’t watch it, so the house remained silent, which seemed even worse. I stayed on the couch, watching Jak play. He tugged at my hand and pulled me to his toys, but I could not bring myself to play with him, and that broke my heart even more. I couldn’t give him the attention he deserved. I couldn’t be the mother he needed me to be. Our family was falling apart. A child with no father, barely a mother left. I was sinking. Drowning. I knew had to pull myself out of this pit.

A life for a life.

There was a knock at the door.

“Shane?” I hoped. I hoped for him.

He poked his head inside and smiled. “Hey.”

I stood. He closed the door behind him.

“We’re not doing this again, are we?” he asked, eyeing me carefully.

I looked down at my sweat pants and shook my head. “No. No. I’m okay. I think.”

Jak waddled to Shane and smiled up at him. Shane picked him up. “What’s up, Buddy?”

“Mommy won’t play,” Jak whined.

I turned away and sat at the table. Shane sat across from me, Jak still in his arms.

“I think Mommy should help you build a snowman,” he said to Jak. He met my gaze and smiled.

Jak cheered happily, squirming his way out of Shane’s arms and towards the door where he struggled with his boots.

“Come on, Mom.” Shane stood and held out his hand. “Outside we go.”

I sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”

I helped Jak dress in his snow gear and he hurried outside, anxious to begin his snowman. I sat on the steps and Shane sat beside me. I could sense his eyes on me.

“I’m okay. Really.” I turned to him and smiled. “I’ve got a better handle on things this time around.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded, mostly to reassure myself. “Yeah. I’m not a pathetic sad lump. I’ve got to be a mother to my kid. I can’t put him through this.”

“Kate,” he hesitated. “You’re allowed to be depressed. It doesn’t make you pathetic. No one blames you. You haven’t had the easiest year.”

I shook my head. “No. I’m done with being said. I have to pull through. For Jak. And for my own sanity.” I met Shane’s gaze. “A life for a life, remember?” I shrugged. “If you need to save my dumb ass again, then I owe you. And I have way too much on my plate right now to be in your debt.”

Shane smiled at his feet. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Happy is stretching it. I’ll be happy when Alex is home safe and sound.”

Shane didn’t say anything.

“He’ll come home.”

Shane nodded. “Yes. He will.”

 

The rest of the winter was, thankfully, uneventful. I kept Alex’s tags safely around my neck, hopeful that he would be found. That, in the chaos of war, they just got separated, and he would make it home with everyone else.

If the war ever came to an end.

But as the winter started to melt into spring, things started to look hopeful. The Ferngill Republic had managed to close in on the Gotoro Empire, and there was talk that the war was finally coming to an end.

That was all I needed to get me through each day. Knowing that there was a chance that all would be right in the world again. That Alex could be out there. That he would make it home.

I was back to work on the farm, and it felt so good to be back into my routine, out of the dreariness of winter. The animals were out enjoying the warm sun and fresh, green grass, and Shane and I had just finished planting the seeds for our first batch of spring crops. Penny had Jak with Vincent and Jas, and I was eager to spend the afternoon with my son in town as soon as everything was done on the farm.

I looked over the farm where the land was tilled and the seeds were planted. Shane stood at my side, his elbow on my shoulder, using me as his personal leaning post. I rolled my eyes and smiled, feeling satisfied with my work for the day.

“Looks good,” Shane commented.

“Yeah,” I said. “Another year.”

I turned and made my way towards the house to clean up, eager to get the dirt off my arms.

“Going into town later?” Shane asked.

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“K. See ya.” I stood at the door, watching him leave, before pushing the door open. I stripped out of my clothes and hurried into the shower. The water browned from the dirt around my feet. I dried quickly, threw my hair into a damp pony tail, and pulled my boots on, ready to find Penny and Jak.

I found them at the edge of the river where Vincent and Jas leaned against the bank, pointing at the fish that swam by. Penny held Jak in her arms as he reached towards the river, eager to play with the big kids.

“Careful or the fish will catch ya,” I said to Jas and Vincent.

“No Shane?” Penny asked me.

“He helped me this morning.”

“Oh. Figured he’d still be with you.”

“Why would he still be with me?”

Penny narrowed her eyes at me. “Because he’s always with you.”

“Not always.”

Penny hesitated, turning her attention back to the kids.

“What?” I pressed.

Penny shrugged. “He’s always with you.”

“Am I missing something?”

“Clearly.”

“Maybe you can fill me in?”

She turned back to me, her lips pinched together. “C’mon, Kate. You have to see it. He likes you.”

“What? No.”

Penny rolled her eyes and turned back to the kids.

“He’s just helping me. We’re just friends.”

“Okay.”

I grew aggravated with her. “Do you really think I would do that?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

Flustered, I took Jak from her. She met my gaze, her eyes a warning to me.

“There’s nothing going on,” I muttered. “Don’t you accuse me of anything.”

“I’m not,” she said quietly. “Just be careful.”

I turned away, leaving her alone with Jas and Vincent. Jak whined in my arms, wanting to go back and play in the river. I didn’t want to go back home, but I didn’t know where else to go. I felt like everyone was watching me. Did they all see what Penny saw? But what did it matter if Shane liked me? I didn’t like him. Not more than a friend.

Jak’s whines turned to cheerful laughter. I followed his gaze. He reached towards Shane, standing just outside Gus’s with Marnie. He smiled at us, but I ignored him. Jak babbled his name and I grew angry with him. I hated that Jak called to Shane. He should have been calling to Alex. His father.

Jak scrambled in my arms and I put him on the ground. He hurried to Shane and pulled on his pants. Marnie picked him up. I watched as she exchanged a glance with Shane and brought Jak back to me. I looked to her, to Shane, then back to Marnie before taking Jak once more.

“Thanks,” I muttered. I turned back to Shane, but he was gone, the door closing behind him. Drinking already.

“Did I do something?” I muttered. Penny was right. And everyone knew it.

Marnie brushed Jak’s hair out of his face and smiled. “No, Hun. Why would you say that?”

I hesitated, my eyes still on the door. I turned to Marnie. “Tell Shane he doesn’t need to keep helping me.”

“He’ll be there whether you like it or not.”

I sighed. “I know.”

Marnie pinched her lips together before turning away, leaving me alone in front of the saloon. I looked to the door once more before finding my way back home.

I sat at the table and watched Jak play with his dinner. I couldn’t get Marnie’s careful gaze out of my mind. She knew, too. It was true. What did she think of me? Did everyone know?

“Stop playing, Jak,” I muttered, putting the fork in his hand. What if they all thought there was something going on? What if rumors spread? And Evelyn and George heard? What would they think of me?

I rubbed my face with my palms and pulled out my phone, staring at Shane’s name. I wanted to text him, but I didn’t know what to say. I leaned back in the chair and stared at the phone for a moment before deciding on a text.

Dont worry about coming over tmrw.

The words stared at me from my screen. I couldn’t help but to feel disappointed. I had grown accustomed to his company in the morning. Looked forward to it. Craved it.

I tossed the phone on the table and folded my arms. Jak was now bathing happily in his dinner. I sighed and picked him up from his chair. I stripped him of his clothes, tossing them with the dirty laundry and ran a bath. I scrubbed his food stained skin carefully as he splashed in the bubbles, wetting my shirt. When he was clean again, I wrapped him in a towel and dressed him for the night, tucking him into bed. My phone beeped in the kitchen, on the table where I left it. I hesitated, kissed Jak’s head, and left him alone for the night.

I grabbed the phone as I passed, forcing myself not to look at the text just yet, and shimmied out of my wet shirt. I dug through the dressers until I pulled out Alex’s jersey. I still smelled like him. I slipped it on and crawled into bed. My phone waited beside me. I sighed and opened the text.

Is that what you really want?

I stared at the words until the screen turned off, enveloping me in darkness. I clicked it on and began to type.

I dont think we should hang out anymore.

My finger hesitated over the send button. I bit my bottom lip. I couldn’t realistically do it all without him. But if it was true… I had to end it. But then I’d have no help. Maybe Lewis? Gus? Leah? Sam?

But Shane knew the farm. He knew what needed to be done. And he got things done.

And I missed him. Missed the idea that I wouldn’t see him in the mornings anymore.

It didn’t matter, though. I’d still see him around. Right?

I held the delete button until the messaged cleared. No.

His reply was almost instant.

So y do you keep pushing me away?

My heart skipped in my chest. I pinched my lips together.

I’m not.

K. see ya tmrw.

 

We gathered in the community center. It had been over a year since we were all gathered here, watching the draft dates being pulled. My chest was heavy at the thought of Alex, still missing in the war. But at that moment, we were celebrating a victory. The war had come to it’s end. A bitter victory, but a victory none the less. Kent would be coming home to his family.

And I was still alone.

Despite the announcement, the room was still heavy. Heavy with the loss of one of our own. Heavy without Alex’s presence. I could feel their eyes on me as we watched the reporter. Their sad eyes. “Poor Kate,” they must have thought. “Poor, lonely, helpless Kate.”

Shane’s eyes felt the heaviest. I knew he was studying me harder than ever. Waiting for me to break. Waiting to swoop in to my rescue. I ignored him, but a part of me wanted to go to him. To be with him. Whatever happened, I knew he would be there. He would always be there for me.

I wondered if he had given up on Alex. They had all given up. Assumed him to be dead.

But I hadn’t given up. I held on.

I fingered the tags around my neck and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat. Lewis cleared his throat.

“Well, this is good news indeed,” he said.

I hadn’t realized how quiet the room had become. His voice seemed too loud.

Jodi was beaming. I couldn’t help but to hate her. She was getting her husband back. I had found myself hating her more and more, despite the fact that she had done nothing wrong. But she had what I didn’t.

She met my gaze and her smile disappeared.

I looked away and stared blankly at the tv screen. Another hot summer.

*****



I sat with Shane at the bar that night. Pam was talking loudly from across the room to Jodi, Carolyn, and Lewis. She would be picking up Kent and Abigail from the airport. They would be home next week. Of course they were excited. They had every right to be.

Shane tapped the counter. “Two more.”

Gus slid two bottles in our direction. Shane nodded his thanks.

“Don’t listen to that drunk,” Shane said into his bottle.

“Why? Because she won’t be bringing my husband home? Everyone else has accepted it.” My voice raised unintentionally. “You’d rather just assume he’s dead.”

My words pained him. I could see it in his face. He did not meet my gaze.

“No one is assuming he’s dead,” he mumbled.

“You are. You all are.”

“He’s been missing for almost a year, Kate.”

“You’ve given up,” I hissed at him.

“Well, what else could it be?” His voice was louder now. “The war’s over, Kate. And there’s no Alex.”

I saw the regret flash across his face, but it was too late. His words had pierced me. I couldn’t breathe. He was right. I was being stupid. Alex was gone and he was never coming back.

“Kate!”

Leah had pushed past Shane and was at my side. I suddenly realized I was clutching my chest. Alex’s tags. I gasped for breath. My vision had blurred as the tears streamed down my face.

“Kate,” Shane began quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve done enough,” Leah hissed at him. “Get out of here.”

Shane didn’t hesitate to leave the bar, slamming the door behind him.

I sobbed into Leah’s shoulder. I couldn’t keep my composure anymore. I felt their eyes on me. Their pitiful eyes. I couldn’t be in there any longer.

I pushed passed Leah, stumbling out the door and into the warm night. I didn’t even notice when I stumbled into Shane’s arms and he pulled me into his chest.

“I didn’t mean it, Kate,” he whispered helplessly. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re right,” I sobbed.

“No.” He hesitated. “No. We don’t know that.”

I pushed away and met his gaze. “What if he doesn’t come back?”

Shane didn’t say anything. He looked at his feet.

I felt my stomach churn. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to wake up. For it to all be a dream. But I felt a strange sense of comfort in his eyes. In his arms.

“Shane…”

“Yeah?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know what to do… if he doesn’t come back…”

“You push on,” Shane said slowly, his voice soft. “For Jak.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to,” he growled at me. “You have to, Kate.”

I swallowed as the idea of Alex being gone forever weighed heavy on my mind, sickening me. I shook my head as my vision blurred again.

“I can’t,” I sobbed.

Shane’s grip was tight on my arms. “You can.”

I tried to steady myself. I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched my lips together, but my heart was breaking and the pain was getting to be too much. I collapsed on to the ground, Shane’s hands still on me. He knelt before me, waiting.

“Will you,” I stuttered, “will you be here?”

“Where am I gonna go?”

“Don’t leave me. Not like Alex.”

“Kate…”

“I can’t do it alone.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“I don’t want to do it alone.”

Shane hesitated. “You don’t have to.”

“You’ll help me?”

I felt his grip loosen. He looked at the ground. “I won’t leave you alone,” he said quietly.

“Promise?”

His eyes met mine but he didn’t say anything. I needed to know. I needed to know he would be there.

“Do you love me?”

His eyes searched mine. “Alex will come home.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

Shane hesitated. “Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

I didn’t have an answer for him. I didn’t know why it mattered. It didn’t matter.

Shane stood, pulling me to my feet.

“You don’t have to help,” I muttered.

Shane looked to the starlit sky. “I promised Alex.”

 

I've read 6-9 now. Whyyyyy, why'd you send my waifu off to war ;-;. It's good. I'm enjoying this. And I like that Shane's a main character. We don't get enough of Shane these days.

 

You must not be on Tumblr... the shane train is sold out, off the tracks, going crazy, and there's no stopping it. lol! But glad you're enjoying it! I'll hold off on the posting for a bit until everyone reading can get caught up

 

I watched as Jak played with his breakfast at the table, my chin in my hand. In just a couple of hours, everyone would be gathered at the bus stop, waiting for Kent and Abigail. I knew I should have been there with them, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. I couldn’t watch everyone else got their loved ones back. I couldn’t stand to have their gazes on me, knowing that my husband would probably never return.

I swallowed at the lump that had formed and cleared my throat. “Don’t play with your food, Jak,” I mumbled.

Jak waved his spoon in the air, making excited babbling sounds. “Mama, eat.” He shoved the spoon in his mouth and watched me. I forced a reassuring smile.

“Come on,” I said. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I cleaned the food off of his face and changed him out of his pajamas. I let him roam around the house, playing with Dusty, as I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. When that was finished, I busied myself with picking up Jak’s room and aimlessly cleaning various things around the house until Jak started to get destructive, throwing his toys across the floor. I knew I couldn’t keep him cooped up in the house all day. I wanted nothing more than to sit in the house all day, but the animals needed tending to, and Jak loved playing in the dirt. It was good for him. He shouldn’t have to suffer because I was. I sighed.

“Want to play outside?”

“Yeah,” Jak shouted excitedly.

I helped him put his little boots on and followed him outside with Dusty on my heels. He bounded after the little boy and lapped at Jak’s face happily. Dusty followed as Jak hurried along, his nose the ground as he did so.

I sat on the front steps and watched Jak play in the dirt. Dusty sniffed the ground around him, pawing at the dirt and helping Jak dig. The chickens followed in their wake, pecking at the bugs and grubs that were revealed as the boy and dog dug.

Dusty’s nose was in the air suddenly, smelling the scents that drifted his way. He started barking enthusiastically and bounded towards me. I held out my hand, but he ran right passed me and towards the road. I stood, ready to call his name, but my heart stopped at the man before me, still clad in his uniform, bending over to greet his beloved dog. He looked up, his gaze meeting mine, and smiled.

“Oh my god,” was all I could mutter as my heart melted. I stood frozen to the ground as Alex approached me, dropping his gear and wrapping me in his arms. I sobbed into his chest, my knees giving out, but Alex held on. He knelt on the ground with me as I sobbed into him. He kissed my head over and over as I clung to him.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” I whispered into his neck. I held his face and kissed his lips. I felt his lips smile under mine.

“I told you I’d be back,” he whispered.

“Mommy?”

Jak was at my side. I pushed away and pulled him to me. Jak gazed at the man before him with uncertainty.

I cleared my throat. “Jak,” I started, my voice shaking. “This is your daddy.”

“Daddy?”

Alex looked at his son, pain and love infused on his face. He smiled at the boy.

“Hey, little man,” Alex said softly, reaching out to his son. “Damn,” he muttered. “You’ve gotten big.”

Jak smiled and stumbled into his father’s arms, giggling. Alex kissed his son’s head, his face wet with fresh tears.

Fresh tears welled in my eyes as I watched my son confidently accept his father’s presence after his long absence. Alex pulled his son tightly into his arms. He met my gaze and smiled through his own wet eyes. I felt my throat tighten again. He pulled me towards him once more, holding both of us in his arms.

Suddenly, my mind was a chaotic blur. I had so may questions. So much he needed to know. I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I didn’t want to end the moment. But I needed to tell him. Clara. He needed to know about Clara.

I took Jak into my arm and grabbed at Alex’s hand.

“Come,” I said softly, forcing the words passed the lump in my throat. “I… need to show you something.”

I brought him across the farm to where Clara was buried, in the shade of an old oak tree. The flowers were in full bloom around her marked grave. I felt Alex’s hand tighten around me as it came into view.

“What is this?”

I put Jak on the ground and he played under the tree.

I hesitated and met his gaze. “This is our daughter… Clara.”

Alex got to his knees and Jak ran into his arms once more.

“Daddy.”

Alex stared at the grave in shock, holding his son as Jak tugged at his shirt. After a moment, he met my gaze, his eyes wet again. I knelt beside him and took his hand.

“Dr. Harvey and Lewis and Gus did this for me,” I explained to him. “It happened right after you left. I found out I was pregnant. And… I miscarried. Shane found me and took me to Dr. Harvey, but he couldn’t save us both…”

Alex nodded, pinching his lips together, and gripped my hand tighter. “I’m so sorry,” he said softly.

I shook my head. “No. I don’t want you to be sorry. I just wanted you to know her.” I paused. “I like to think she would have had your eyes.”

Alex smiled through his tears. “Mom’s eyes.”

We stood up. Jak stretched his arms towards his father and Alex picked him up.

“Clara,” Jak said.

“That’s your sister,” Alex said to him. He smiled through his tears and kissed his son’s head. Jak looked to the grave and smiled before he nuzzled into Alex’s neck.

We walked quietly back to the house, Jak drifting off to sleep in his father’s arms.

“I know you have questions,” Alex said, his voice strained.

“We don’t… we don’t have to worry about that right now.” I felt my stomach twist in pain. I met Alex’s gaze and finally saw the pain in his eyes that he tried to hide from me. “You don’t have to tell me anything…”

Alex looked at his feet as we walked into the house. He put Jak down in his bed and took my hands in his. He pulled me into our bedroom and we sat on the bed.

“I promised you I would come back,” he said to me, cupping his palm around my face.

I nodded. “I never doubted that.”

He pressed his lips into mine, but his kiss was hesitant.

“What’s wrong?”

Alex pulled away and shook his head. “Honestly? I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep.”

“You can’t sleep!” I pulled him off the bed. “You just got here! Did you even see your grandparents?”

“Yes, and I think I almost gave them a heart attack. Why weren’t you there?”

“I didn’t want to see my husband not be on that bus…”

“Well, here I am.”

“We should go into town.”

Alex shook his head. “We’re not leaving this room ever again.”

He pulled me down and kissed my neck.

“That sounds perfect.”

 

Every single person was in the bar that night, cheering as Alex and I entered, their glasses high in the air. We sat at the table with Evelyn and George, and Evelyn erupted into tears. She put her hands on her grandson’s face and kissed him.

“See ya got ya legs still,” George said to him as we sat down.

“I made extra sure of that,” Alex said. “I wasn’t going anywhere without ‘em.”

“Beer’s on me, kid,” Gus said, bringing two glasses over for us.

“Thanks, Gus.”

My eyes scanned the bar as Alex talked with his grandparents. I felt uneasy. There were still so many unanswered questions, and I wasn’t the only one who wanted answers. Kent and Jodi were watching us carefully. Jodi looked away when I met their gaze, but Kent held his. He knew something.

I continued to scan the room. Eyes darted back and forth, to Alex, then back, questions surely being raised amongst them. I found Shane at the bar, sitting alone in the corner as he usually did. His eyes, though, were on me.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and looked back at my glass. At the corner of my eye, I watched as Shane finished off the rest of his drink and walked towards us. His hand fell on Alex’s shoulder as he walked by.

“Welcome home, Bud.”

I watched as he left the saloon.

“Guess he hasn’t changed,” Alex joked.

I forced a smile. “Yeah.”

“Everything okay?”

I nodded and smiled at him. “Just really hoping that this isn’t a dream.”

I watched as Kent stood and made his way outside.

Alex followed my gaze out the window. Shane and Kent stood together outside.

“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head. “Nothing”

Alex finished his beer and pushed away. “I’ll be right back.”

Alex trotted down the steps and towards Kent and Shane. They turned to him but did not greet him.

“What is this, a funeral?” Alex asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You’re damn lucky it ain’t,” Kent hissed. “Could be yours.”

“You’re awfully defensive for someone who almost killed our whole unit.”

“I did what I had to do.”

“And I did what I had to do to save them all. Including you.”

Shane threw his arms in the air. “This shit is getting too real for me.”

“Forget it, Alex,” Kent spat. “Don’t you say a god damn word.”

Alex and Shane watched as Kent marched away angrily.

Shane whistled. “What the hell was that about?”

“Forget it,” Alex said angrily. “Nothing happened.”

Shane studied his friend for a moment. “You can talk to me, you know.”

Alex met his gaze. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Alex, you were M.I.A.”

“And now I’m home. Forget about it.”

“What the hell happened out there?”

“I said forget about it!”

Shane was quiet, studying Alex.

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered, looking down at his feet. “I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“’S okay,” Shane said. “I get it.”

“Thanks for being around for Kate.”

Shane shrugged. “Yeah. Sure.”

“She told me about Clara.”

Shane shifted his weight on his feet. “Oh.”

Alex met Shane’s gaze, his brows knit together. “What happened?”

“Alex, listen…”

Alex watched Shane carefully.

“You don’t need to know the details.”

“I wasn’t there for her. I need to know. I need to know what happened to my daughter.” His daughter. The words made his chest ache for her.

“She needs to know what happened to you,” Shane said pointedly.

Alex looked away. “She doesn’t need to know that. I can’t tell her that.”

“She almost died without you. She deserves to know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was bad, Alex. Real bad. I thought she was already dead.”

Alex swallowed.

Shane turned back to his feet. “I found her laying in her own blood. There was blood everywhere. She couldn’t stay awake. It almost killed her. Hell, it almost killed Harvey. Didn’t think he’d ever forgive himself.”

“I wish I was there.”

“No. You don’t. You got the easy way out. You didn’t know about any of it. About how she suffered without you. About how she had to deal with losing her own child without you. You don’t know what that did to her. To us. We didn’t think she’d come back. We didn’t hear from her for a long time. I went by every day just to make sure she was alive.”

“I didn’t choose to be shipped across the damn sea,” Alex hissed.

“No. You’re right. You didn’t.” Shane sighed. “I know shit was happening over there. But shit was happening here, too. Things aren’t the same as when you left.”

“What are you saying?”

Shane turned away. “She deserves to know, Alex.”

Alex watched as Shane walked away and disappeared into the darkness.

 

Alex returned inside the bar, his face pale.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing. Don’t feel well. I’m going home.”

I nodded. “Okay. Come on.”

We said our good byes before walking back to the house in silence.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“Mhm. Just tired.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“You know if I could have been here…”

I gripped his hand tightly. “I know. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Nothing is your fault.”

“I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”

“You’re here now, and that’s all that matters.”

Alex stopped walking. In the light of the moon, I could see he held his gaze on me, concerned. Something was heavy on his mind.

“Shane was there for you.”

“What?”

“Shane. He told me about it all. The miscarriage. The blood. Checking on you every day.”

“Alex-”

“I could see the pain… as he told me what happened…”

“Alex…”

“He loves you.”

I was stunned. “What? What are you talking about?”

“He loves you,” Alex repeated.

My heart raced. “Alex, you’re being ridiculous. He was just watching out for me. Everyone was.”

“That’s what happens when guys go off to war. Their girlfriends - wives - they find other people.”

“Alex!”

“It’s my own fault. I asked him to look out for you.”

“Alex, stop this!”

Alex was quiet, waiting.

“I know I don’t know what you went through over there, but don’t you dare think for a second you know what happened here. You don’t have a clue. Every day away from you - I was dying. When I lost Clara… I thought I lost you. I lost myself. Every day that passed was worse than the next. And when they told me you were M.I.A… I held on for so long, hoping, dreaming, knowing the whole time you could have been dead. Never coming back to me. Leaving me alone. There was never anyone else. I would have died. Shane was there for me. Leah and Penny were there for me. Dr. Harvey was there for me. Without them, I probably would have died. Shane… he pulled me out of a dark place. He kept his promise to you.”

“He fell in love with you.”

I clutched the tags that were still around my neck. “I didn’t fall in love with him. I love you, Alex. That’s never changed, and it never will.”

“I know.” Alex’s voice was soft. He pulled me into his arms. “I’m sorry. I was so afraid…”

I shook my head into his chest. “Let’s go home.”

I just wanted to be with him, in his arms, in our bed, just like how it used to be. We walked back to the house, hand in hand. Inside, I quickly changed out of my clothes, throwing on a loose shirt, and hurried into bed. I pushed myself as close as I could to Alex, but it wasn’t close enough. He wrapped his arm around me tightly and buried his face against me. My fingers intertwined with his and I sighed. I missed him beside me so much. And he smelled the way he always did. I smiled in the darkness.

“I love you, Kate,” he whispered in my ear.

“I love you, Alex.”

 

I bolted upright in bed, gasping. It was a dream. It was all just a dream. My hand flew to Alex’s side of the bed. I jumped, startled, when it touched flesh. Alex. He was there.

His hand flew to his face, brushing my hand away, mumbling in his sleep.

I waited until my breathing slowed and lay back down beside him. I let my fingers trace the edges of his face and down to his bare chest. His eyes opened slowly and he smiled when he met my gaze.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Hey.”

He blinked and rubbed his eyes, groaning. “What time is it?”

“No clue.”

He let his hands brush my hair out of my face and kissed my lips.

“Breakfast time?” He sat up and stretched his arms above him.

I shrugged. “I guess it can be. Scrambled eggs?”

His eyes lit up. “Oh my god, yes, please!”

I laughed and threw my legs over the side of the bed, but his arms pulled me back into his chest. He kissed my cheek and sighed into my neck.

“C’mon,” I said, pulling myself away and taking his hand. “Let me make you some eggs.”



*****



After we ate, we brought Jak outside, letting him play with the chickens as I showed Alex some of the improvements around the farm.

“Shane installed the automatic waterers,” I said, showing him the troughs in the barn, but his smile disappeared.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Nothing. Glad Shane proved to be of some use.”

I hesitated. “He was. He kept his promise.”

Alex turned away, leaving me alone in the barn. I stared dumbly at the water troughs before following him outside. He leaned against the fence, watching Jak chase the chickens around outside the coop.

“Alex.” My voice was soft. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I knew he was still bothered by Shane.

But Alex smiled when he met my gaze. He took my hand and kissed me.

“Please don’t worry about Shane.”

Alex sighed. “I’m not. I’m sorry for letting it bother me.”

“But if it does bother you…”

“I know Shane wouldn’t do anything. It’s just one of those things you worry about when you’re trying not to step on a mine.” He smiled, but I didn’t find his joke amusing. My stomach twisted and I looked away, debating whether I should tell him about what had happened. Shane’s drunken night, as I referred to it. But I didn’t want him to think badly of his friend. It didn’t matter, anyway. It wasn’t real.

“What’s wrong?”

Alex’s eyes were on me. I shook my head. “What happened to you, Alex?” I met his gaze, but he didn’t say anything. “You were gone.” I clutched at his tags. “They came and told us you were gone.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said quickly, dismissing the topic, but I pressed further.

“Don’t worry about it? How can you say that? I didn’t think you’d come home. I thought you were dead!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he muttered.

“It does matter, Alex.”

“Why? It doesn’t change anything.”

I stared at him, but his voice softened.

“I’m still here. Alive. Isn’t that all that matters?”

I turned to watch Jak play in the dirt. “Are you okay?” I said quietly. I felt Alex’s hand around mine.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling my chin to him.

I searched his eyes for the truth.

“I’m okay,” he said.



*****



Alex slid into the bar beside Shane. It was a quiet night in the saloon. Everyone had settled back into their routines, happy that their friends and family were back home and the war was over.

Alex nodded to Gus in thanks as gus handed him a beer. Neither Alex nor Shane said as word as they took turns drinking. Finally, Alex broke the silence.

“You’re in love with her,” he stated. He could feel Shane’s gaze on him, but he did not turn.

Shane did not respond. He turned back to his beer and finished it. He let the bottle bang loudly against the counter. He pushed it away from him and met Gus’s gaze from across the room. Gus narrowed his eyes at Shane, but replaced the empty bottle with a full one, leaving them alone again and cleaning the dishes.

Alex turned to Shane and Shane met his gaze. Alex’s brows were knit together sternly. “Stay away from her.”

Shane pinched his lips together, turned his gaze to the counter, and nodded slowly.

Alex finished his drink and sighed. Without another word, he stood up and left the saloon, leaving Shane alone.

Shane chugged his beer and signaled for another.

“I’m cutting you off after this one,” Gus said to him.

“Um fine,” Shane muttered.

“You’re not fine, Shane. Even I lost count. Damn, I’ve never seen you drink this much. Go home.”

Shane swore under his breath. Gus narrowed his eyes angrily before turning away. Shane stared at the bottle before pushing away from the bar and stumbling out the door.