You are sitting in your bunker, made of scrap wood and chunks of stone, on your new fledgling world, having survived the first night with the animals scratching at your doors looking to eat you. As you rise from bed, strapping your boots on and locking your magazine into your pistol, you hear a faint static from your radio , you frantically rush over but can only hear small garbled blips of information coming through. You teleport back up to your slightly cramped ship to boost the signal and suddenly are deafened. “CRAZY ALI IS BRINGING CRAZY SAVINGS TO YOUR GALAXY, STAND BY FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO GET A REPRESENTATIVE TO PAY YOU A VISIT!” You sigh, head in hands and your feet on the console. “Even out here, I can’t escape this idiot and his savings” Crazy Ali’s Emporium! Due to the recent incident that happened on Earth, Crazy Ali’s Emporium is heading to space! That’s right loyal customer, we are bringing savings to YOU, from the coldest barren planet in the furthest reaches to the lush jungle planets in the local cluster! Company Head Ali “Crazy Ali” Hawk Crazy Ali is CRAZY to bring savings to you!!! Ali Hawk was fired in 2005 after failure to give technical specifications for a high powered laser based weapon system to Salamar Technical Holdings and was blacklisted from any company that needed a security clearance. It was stated by the head of the Company, Walter Salamar that Ali was a mentally unstable individual that was only happy with perfection even to the smallest details and had worked on several projects that went obscenely over budget but made successful products. After being fired , Hawk infiltrated Salamar Holdings , taking several server blades full of information with him and switched out the technical data for weapons , Mechs and medicine for the schematics for creating the perfect pecan pie , How to make a banana split and the quantum velocity for a squirrel once its left the atmosphere. After Salamar fell and were forced into liquidation and eventually administration due to the loss of data, Crazy Ali’s Emporium rose from its ashes to be the one of the most successful company in the distributions and manufacturing. Company History Crazy Ali’s emporium started in 2007 as an emporium of engineering and toys, bringing the best of quality for the lowest of prices! Over the last six years , due to a wide range of governmental contracts, Crazy Ali has been tasked with creating goods for the human race. Which now is far flung across the universe, and may need a Buy One Get One free offer! Crazy Ali’s Emporium created high tech weaponry and medicine for a low price and was picked by the government for police force and army. After the contract had run out , the money taken from the deals were used to make Crazy Ali's Emporium an almost house hold name by creating a distribution company. It wasn’t like you could escape Crazy Ali’s Emporium, with their large range of products from razor blades to weapons , they were everywhere. There wasn’t a single time, when you could turn on the Television after Ten PM, when you wouldn’t see an infuriatingly long advertisement about a new product. What we sell and how we sell it We selling anything you need .From Weapons , Mechs , Medicine , Cats, Cake ***, Penguins , Large pieces of Card board, Apex Grooming kits, Fish food for our gilled friends, RapidGROWTH* for our plant buddies , OilNox for our Glitch brethren and seeds for our winged wing men. Crazy Ali’s Emporium currently has no settled world or destination, so expect to see representatives across the galaxies, lying in wait to ambush you with two for one offers and insane bargains. What you’re asking yourself… How Crazy Ali? , How are you bring such wonderful savings for the lowest price but it be of the highest quality. Well lords, ladies and gentlemen, Crazy Ali’s Emporium was built around the idea that the customers come first and that I , Crazy Ali, could not be satisfied if the quality of our products were lacking. So I bring to you the best of the best for less and less. Legal Mumbo-jumbo Crazy Ali’s Emporium is a privately owned company and also has holdings in several gathering corporations such as GrabTech, Salvage and even De4ist, the leading gatherer of wood and wood products in the local cluster.They also have their hand in small manufacturing companies , many of them new start ups, either by funding them , or out sourcing. If one of our products doesn’t suit your need for quality, send it back to the company free of charge with a letter of what isn’t up to standard, and we will repair it and return it via the automated representative system. Crazy Ali's Emporium is classed as a miscellaneous business under earth's business charter, as they no longer classify under the Law of Weapon Manufacturing & Dangerous Armaments standards as a distribution house. All weapons manufactured are of different origins but use the patented schematics that Crazy Ali's Emporium holds all rights to. Due to a recent lawsuit , which is still being settled , we are no longer able distribute high end weapons such as explosives and thermo energy generators. Crazy Ali’s Emporium is not liable for any death that is caused by our weapons* Current Business Goals Even with the apocalyptic disruption of service, Crazy Ali’s Emporium is still functioning at 100%, with its leader at its helm and wishes to continue amazing savings for every race in the universe. Current Offers Buy one get one free on Apex Beard Curlers Three for two on Lavender brand pistols and accessories with the cheapest being free! Buy six magazines of ammunition for the Lavender brand pistols and get a free sight****. Grand Offer of the Year Buy three Wasteland Survival Kits and get a Crazy Ali branded rifle. The Wasteland Kits includes food, water, a hazmat suit, basic digging and De4ist brand equipment, wood and stone to make shelter and corn for crops. For now, valued friend and customer, keep on surviving. Crazy Ali out and remember when your supplies are at their lowest , my prices are still lower. * (WARNING RapidGROWTH is not to be taken by Florans in extreme quantities due to the highly volatile chemical structure of Disthasnotrine and Andrafel that can cause the Photosynthesis process to reverse and cause suffocation) **Please note it is not the gun that kills people, People kill people, and if people kill people, then there is no law suit with us. *** We have currently run out of all cake products due to a massive multimillion off world order from an undisclosed female who wishes not to be named. **** Cannot be used along side the Lavender brand offer unless the customer buys an accessory other than the sight. All orders must be placed through a representative and cannot be done by post, drone , proxy or intergalactic transmission. Please note while we do manufacture some of our products , many are simply distributed by us and are quality tested when they come through our deliver service.
Our Legal department have made it clear to us that we have to make information free to the public about Mr Hawk and the corporation's past . Here is the archive of news segments either from television or online media even though many of these are now defunct. LCNN Local Cluster News Network Today, Alistair Hawk, more commonly known as Crazy Ali has started his brand new business venture. Mr Hawk, after being pardoned for his involvement in the corporation espionage of Salamar Technical Holdings, went on to make a small fortune in the weapons manufacturing trade, selling off his patents to large businesses. Mr Hawk has this to say. “Loyal customers and employees, I will be throwing my hat into the ring of weapon manufacturing myself as well as medicine supplying”. EBN The Earth Bulletin News The newly created corporation, Crazy Ali’s Emporium, has been given a large number of government contracts. No official news has been given as to why the government has chosen Mr Hawk’s company over the other offers. This news was received alongside the news that the government were increasing the amount of armed force’s armaments. Interstellar Story Seller The inside track when you need it and where it’s at! A huge allegation was put into light today , that Alistair Hawk , known for being the owner of Crazy Ali’s Emporium had tried to instigate a change of Earth business charter’s rules and regulations on manufacturing of firearms. The change was rejected by the ministry of public safety, claiming that lower the legislation on the laws on gun manufacturing and ownership would mean that everyone would have a gun and crime would be rampant. LCNN Mr Hawk and his company were at court today, after the governmental project, simply known as Ace of Clubs backfired and killed four and injured one. We were able to confirm that the Ace of Clubs project was a highly technical mechanical system, as told to us by the surviving victim, but how or why it malfunctioned is impossible to know. LCNN Crazy Ali’s Emporium has been re-branded, no not to another name but to another use, today a spokesman from the company said that Mr Hawk has taken a holiday while the business is changed from a manufacturing company to a distribution conglomerate. Interstellar Story Seller New Ad campaigns for Crazy Ali’s Emporium to roll out any time soon. So everyone and his mother now have heard of Mr Hawk and his somewhat sordid history. From the Ace of Clubs trial to his new uproar about gun ownership and manufacturing legislation. However it was only a small bit of news that his company had undergone re-branding as an out sourcing distribution corporation. Be expecting over the next few days to see advertisements rolling out across your local town centres and televisions. LLCN Mr Hawk is yet again in the news, after an explosion on the east coast of new Madagascar, that killed 2 and left 42 wounded, was traced back to his company. A spokesman had this to say. “While we are now sure that the explosives and thermo generator that was dispatched to the culprit was meant for hostile uses, it was bought via a business that was well known for strip mining” The families of the victims are bringing a lawsuit up next month that is believed may finally put an end to Mr Hawk and his business altogether. EBN The trail of Mr Alistair Hawk vs. The people of new Madagascar has finally ended; the ruling stated that the company can no longer distribute high end explosives and thermo generators however they have appealed against this. Mr Hawk has this to say “The judge made the right choice and my company will stop the distribution of explosives and generators that could cause harm to more people” Hawk also said that the company would go into a state of hiatus until the matter was fully settled. WBNB Wide Band News Broadcasting It has now been 2 weeks after the incident on Earth, and while we have been busy with our exodus, one man has been busy spreading his business across the stars. Mr Hawk, now known for stockpiling food and resources has announced that his company will be coming off of their hiatus to sell resources, whether it is outsourced guns or everyday items. He admitted today in front of camera that he had been scaling up the business since the court ruling and trying to incorporate the nearest galaxies as well as our own. So be expecting to see representatives where ever you may be and keep safe.
Good morning loyal customers and representatives of Crazy Ali's Emporium. Many of you loyal customers will already know me, however some of you don't. My name is Malu .I currently am personal assistant of Mr Alistair Hawk and also the head of Human-Xenos relations As such, due to this recent revival of business, I have been asked by Mr Hawk to write about our work ethics and working conditions to allow peace of mind for our consumer base as well as our suppliers. You can expect over the next few days to have possibly the head of security and the director of imports and exports as well to have their say. This will include an inside look at what it takes to become a representative and the laws/regulations that come with it. Work ethics As a large company, with several subsidiaries under our wing, we expect only the best from our employees and our representatives. The average work hours is unspecified, as the representative has no work hours unless an inhabited world is the area. They are paid 3000 pixels a month as long as they are taking orders; we see that is fitting enough for anyone to live on ,as well any commission they get from sales, and to allow for repairs and other needed necessities . They are also given their own small ship for deliveries and collections. We believe in good wholesome business, as such our fuel that is used by our representatives is from renewable resources. The work environment is up to the representative who flies the ship. Some like to be cramped into a small ship, others will use their earnings to buy a large ship and do more delivers. If the latter is the case, our company will provide 50% of the capital needed for the upgrade as long as the representative has been an upstanding member of the company for at least a year. Restrictions We here at Crazy Ali’s Emporium do not sell or allow the sale of drugs, alcohol (above 15%) or dangerous equipment unless you are from a legally registered business that needs the supplies. For instance, if you are a medical professional , and need steroids for your medical kit then we can help; we can also get you rubbing alcohol and even a defibrillator. We restrict our representatives to only working for our corporation. Any representative that is caught either moonlighting or freelancing has the right to have their company ship impounded along with any belongings on their ships. Representatives that are suspected of dealing in or with piracy will also be questioned, impounded and if found guilty will be handed over to the correct facilities. Hiring Hiring a freelancer or a mercenary group is against our work ethics, and we would prefer to hire a legally registered delivery hauler if one of our representatives has been having problems. For hiring a representative, it takes a few weeks of training as well as flight testing for you to be able to become a representative. We take them from all races and are a non-Xenoist equal opportunities employer.The representative will then be given a station to report to and then begin work. Firing Firing is simple, as long as we as the company do not feel you have done anything wrong, you will not be fired. For example, two months ago, a Glitch run piracy ring attacked a convoy of representative ships leaving the local cluster. In retaliation, they fired back and destroyed two of the 4 ships that were attacking, however the lead ship in the convoy was sacked and the inhabitants taken for human trafficking. The convoy followed the pirates, and after tracking them to a backwater jungle planet. The convoy destroyed their ships, gathered up the cargo and reclaimed the people. These people were promoted not fired for protecting what they felt was their right to protect. If a representative is found guilty of any of these crimes; Piracy Human trafficking Animal fighting rings Smuggling or Drug trading rings Avian slave trade , although while it rarely happens, twisted individuals take pleasure in keeping Avians locked in cages like their ancient predecessors Dismantling a glitch Fraud Then the person will be open to the full extent of the law. There have been several cases where court costs have been paid by this company to have representatives that have tarnished our name with their behavior locked away. Internal Laws for Representatives As a representative, you have a few internal laws to follow. Always make sure the cargo gets there on time, however if you are stopped by pirates or any other outside influences, you are allowed to fire on sight. When taking an order, ask for a name and assign a unique number to the name, as each lost parcel or delivery due to wrong labeling can cause a disruption in not only business but also profit. If you are taking a big freighter, or more affectionately known as a Whale, there must be two representatives and a member of security with you at all times while operating the vehicle Representatives of this company are allowed under the corporation’s “Stand tall” law to take action against anyone who is acting aggressively against the ship, convoy or the individual. This includes on planet, as there have been known to be hostile customers who look to try to steal the cargo and then sell it off themselves. External Laws for Representatives The “Stand Tall” law is seen as an almost accept right across most of our security team and our company. If there are any problems that should arise such as murder allegations, then the court costs, if it does go to court, will be paid by the company and not the representative. Representatives are allowed to carry a firearm or a weapon of their choice as long as it is for personal defense and not for criminal use. I think that’s about all of it, I must get back; important business and all. Until next time we talk, take care Malu. Head of Human-Xenos Relations and Person Assistant to Mr Hawk.
Good morning yet again loyal customers and representatives! Malu here again, and as I was getting stuck into some serious work and an delicious hot chocolate, a single thought crossed my mind that new comers to our business will have no idea who we are or what we look like, so in this quick update I hope to either inform you or refresh your memory of the staff at Crazy Ali's Emporium. This was taken from a photo shoot when we had first started the company as a promotional shot that never got used, well here’s where that finally got its 300 pixel worth. Ok from left to right. On the farthest left you have Aquilegia; he is our officer for control of imports and exports as well internal affairs. A man not to cross. The Apex next to him is Marmel, head of security and armaments for the whole corporation. From pistols to high end ship weaponry, he’s your man. The human next to him is obvious, that is the creator of the entire corporation, Alistair “Crazy Ali “Hawk. He is the current CEO of Crazy Ali’s Emporium and sole shareholder. A man known for his charismatic business deals and speeches. To the right of him is, oh Kluex, his name is 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110100 01101001 01100011 but we call him Grill. He is in charge of outsourcing, resources, product management and the quality control teams. He is warm hearted but cold minded. Maths is his forte. Next to him is me, Hi, yeah that’s Malu. Not much I can say about myself, guess I’m hard working and madly in love with this hot chocolate. The last member in the picture Rintoxl, we just call her Rin. She is the head of the cultural and ethics committee inside the company that asks whether it is ethic or offensive to sell a product to another culture. She has saved us from a few mishaps over the years. So that’s all of us in the head team, there are a few others in the distribution side that you may see but for now that’s all. You might hear from us over the next couple of days, if Mr.Hawk wants us to have an input on our parts of the business.
Hello I’m gonna cut the costumer rubbish that the company would usually want me to put out as a marketing thing. I’m in charge of imports and exports, before this job I was part of a delivery business in the furthest parts of the universe and owned a company called “Dancing Deadmen” as well as taking part in mercenary missions, all this is known to the public. I was brought to this company by Malu to create a solid and usable platform for delivery and import and export of goods across galaxy borders. The quality of the goods goes without question. The importing is easy, bring it in from the outsourcing guys and get it packed for delivery. The exporting the hard part, you have to go through the proper channels. Forget one planet official along the trade route and you have a convoy stopped for a week while you negotiate terms. I work hard at the things I do and try to do them to the best of my ability even when an official is being as stubborn as an ox to change his view on things. Now I’m sure some of you are wondering, what actually do we sell? Although we cannot sell directly, it is all done by representatives, I can offer a brief overview but the prices you need to get from a representative because their prices can vary in a small percentage due to operating costs. So if you order a single double A battery and a Whale drags it to your planet, expect to have to pay a small percent for the fuel usage on the ship for landing just for a battery. Products for sale (Outsourced) Kitchen Ware Weapons – Pistols, Axes, Swords and a whole range of different ones. Security equipment – High tech doors, windows and other bells and whistles you need. Ee-Z-Re-Pair kits for small ships - used by the company themselves because of their reliability Vanity/Beauty kits – Such as the Apex range of grooming kits and curlers and the Avian feather cleaners to vanity items Mech armaments systems – from chain guns to heavy laser repeaters we have it all for sale. Wasteland survival kits And so many more I can’t even explain them all. (Internally produced) Now what I can tell you is that we do produce our own line of Mechs while still holding our place in the laws of the Earth business charter, due to Hawk’s obsession over perfection and not trusting outside sources with quality or manufacturing them. 1 The King of Diamonds A heavily armed Mech, carrying two Lavender branded laser alignment targeting systems to allow for lock on capability for the twenty “Skull Cap” missiles in the chest. It also comes with reclining seats, power turning and jump jet capability. 2 the Knave of Clubs The Knave is used for a hit and run situation or a smash and grab. In my history, I have used a few of these to …my advantage let’s say. They carried two heavy chain guns, made by Vandersaude Technological Advancements as well as their very capable land radar system. It also has been equipped for logging using, having two five hundred horsepower chainsaws in the arms, made by our good friends at D4ist. These chainsaws can be used alongside the chainsaws and I in fact suggest they are used together, more bang for your pixel. 3 The Queen of Spades The Queen of Spades is the luxury model of the Mechs, with velvet seats and upholstered interior. It also allows for connection and integration of external security systems, allowing you to watch a camera at your bunker from up to ten miles away. It is armed with Maylin daggers, a sniper rifle attachment for the right arm, and a chest mounted missile launcher with heat seeking capabilities. I suggest not using that on ice planets. 4 The Ace of Hearts The premium in armed Mechs, armed with Maylin titanium alloy swords in the arm, chainsaws for deforestation from D4ist, a small scud missile in the right arm. Don’t worry Eco freaks, its non-nuclear it delivers a high explosive round, about the same as eight earth tank shells. It also has jump jets in all joints to allow for all direction movement for escapes. On its left arm, a triple chain gun crafted by Vandersaude Technological Advancements that we here at the company call the Lion, because when it gets really spinning, it roars. It has advanced I.D detection allowing for targeting of friend and foe for automated firing on the target. It also has excavation capabilities with several compartments for ores and other goodies you lot get while you’re scrapping in the dirt. Custom Mechs We do sometimes take custom Mech orders, starting at 100,000 pixels for the basic custom model up to 2,500,000 for an advanced state of the art version with all the pretties, bells and whistle for good measure. Delivery times Can be a day can be a week , matters how far you are from a hub and the crime level in the area but I’ll leave that little speech to Marmel when he is asked to do his update. Are our drivers responsible and trustworthy? , of course, I have trusted them with more important packages and shipments than your set of silver spoons that you might order in a fortnight. Internal Affairs How I treat people who steal from the company and take profits out the hands of our hard working delivery drivers is not your business. Well that’s it from me, I have work to do. Marmel says he will update sometime after about the security put into delivering your orders.
Greetings ladies and gentlemen , My name is Marmel and I am the head of security and armament for Crazy Ali’s Emporium. As for how I came to the company , I was part of the three man team called “Dancing Deadmen” and was recruited alongside my colleague Aquilegia. Now to business , each of our small delivery ships is armed with at least one weapon. With most of them , it’s a simple beam or laser weapon. For ships moving in convoys across the more populated areas , they are equipped with more high priority grade weapons such as laser repeaters. If the convoy is in a high traffic and high risk area, it will be chaperoned by a security barge decked out with an array of weapons. Beam weapons , chain guns , lasers , Z-beam splitters , Lavender brand plasma throwers and anything else that is legal to have equipped on a company vehicle. It is true , as you have now heard from Malu, that convoys can come under attack and are forced to fend for themselves but the occurrences are rare. That is about all I can reveal without compromising security of the company. If you see our convoy , or a security barge for that matter heading your way. Be sensible and make way for them , as if you hang around for too long with giving due cause for being there then you can be fired upon. As for the deliveries , they are checked four times for contraband and external tampering. Once on receiving the order from the manufacturers in outsourcing, once when we send it to be delivered. Once by a member of the handling team on the delivery station and finally by the delivery driver before leaving the station, and then it’s to its way to the delivery location. The crates themselves have the Sure-Lock system , meaning that only members of security or members of handling staff can open the crate. Me and my team are also firm believers of the "Stand Tall" law that is upheld by the company and have practiced it several times in hostile engagements and possible planetary robberies of our deliveries. I believe I have now talked efficiently enough to put anyone at ease. Until I have the pleasure of talking to people as loyal as yourselves , adieu. Captain Marmel Head of Security and Armament for Crazy Ali’s Emporium
Hello loyal customers once again , it’s Malu. Our boys in marketing found a poster we used to put at the end of adverts and have knocked up a higher detail version , although it might not look like much , it used to rake in some sales just by itself. It depicts Mr Hawk in his trademark suit and bow tie. Mr Hawk likes this picture so much , that he is going to have it emblazoned on all commercial business delivery vehicles that operate in the company. So expect to be seeing this in your area soon. Until next time, take care. Malu Head of Human-Xenos Relations and Personal Assistant to Mr Hawk.
Hello everyone , Malu here again , this time adding a post by our officer in charge of outsourcing, resources, product management and the quality control teams and apparently self appointed construction manager. FOR NON-GLITCH OR OLDER OPERATING GLITCH SYSTEMS. Salutations valued consumers My name is 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110100 01101001 01100011 but as you know , everyone just calls me Grill. I am in charge of outsourcing, resources, product management and the quality control teams. These are all simple things that can be done by anyone with working circuits. Firstly the outsourcing is done using our patented schematics and blueprints. Once they are made they are quality checked by the quality control team , headed by Ali himself. One problem with a single object can mean an entire batch has to be fully quality controlled and catalogued. At the moment , resources are moderate. While Ali searches the known universe for a place for our company and the subsidiaries to plant a flag in and call home , we are using our connections with D4ist to land some resources across the board. Another more unofficial title of mine , is of construction manager. Until recently there was no need for such a thing , but with the whole earth being destroyed from the inside out , there is a slight need of one of our leading team to step up to the plate. I believe I will end this update with a message to the pirates of the alpha cluster that the A109 convoy ran into yesterday. We are coming, we are bringing all guns and bearing them towards that mud ball of a moon of yours. When we do finally get you, you will be having a lot of fun with a long drop and a sudden stop. Until we communicate once more Grill FOR GLITCH RUNNING HIGHER INTELLEGENCE OPERATING SYSTEMS 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that's all this time , loyal customers. Take care Malu Head of Human-Xenos Relations and Personal Assistant to Mr Hawk
((Hey , at the moment I would label the business , as it says in the walls of text above , under the miscellaneous business type. It’s basically a distribution conglomerate where we hire drivers and couriers to get to a planet , get orders , we supply the goods and we take the major payment while they are paid in commission and a monthly wage. We are the Avon of space in simple terms , we have representatives that sell by themselves but the representatives have to order through us , which we take the major payment for but the representative takes a 10% percent of the sale , however this doesn’t include high priority items like Mechs. So short example , little Timmy on Alpha cluster planet Zeta wants a new tennis ball and John on planet Beta wants a Mech, A representative is in the area so they drop a beacon and call him down, the representative takes their orders , along with their details and attaches a unique number to their orders. The order is then sent back via the representative , and the order is made along with any others that are available , so for instance a Mech is counted as a high priority item and would be taken by guarded convoy instead of a representative. So the representative returns to little Timmy , gives him the tennis ball takes his payment along with any others in the area and contacts John to say the Mech will be delivered by convoy. The representative returns to his station , takes his 10% and gives the rest of the money to a station manager, who speeds it onto the finance department where it is counted and bundled. Other than that , that’s about the whole process of the business for now. So yeah , I would class it as more as a miscellaneous than a delivery or manufacturer status corporation , we don’t sell ourselves except for Luxury Mechs which the orders are near none existence. I see it in the same line of work as Enigma Mega Corp and The Bromani Shipping Company that are in the Misc category of business already))
