TABLE OF CONTENTSPrologue: Bedtime StoriesChapter One: TouchdownChapter Two: Escape------------------------------ UPDATES-November 15, 2012, 10:54 P.M, EST: Thread Created.November 15, 2012, 10:56 P.M, EST: Prologue is posted. Yeeaaaaah~November 17, 2012, 10:17 A.M, EST: A nice song found for the Prologue.November 18, 2012, 01:27 A.M, EST: Chapter One posted.December 26, 2012, 02:27 A.M, EST: Chapter Two posted. February 09, 2013, 12:27 A.M, EST: Edits to the prologue and chapter one, using Garneac's good feedback as a sort of template.April 27, 2013, 12:00 A.M, EST: Edits to chapter two, after a very long time of nothing.------------------------------ OTHER STUFF-This is my Starbound Fanfic, written with almost no real knowledge of the game at all, except for what I read in the span of like twenty minutes. Not too much, as of yet, but I'll add stuff to it as I go along. We follow the story of our hero, Dustin McKholer, on his epic journey of discovery, exploration, and wonder. Galactic maps and sarcastic humor will be involved. Should be fun.
Prologue: Bedtime StoryClick for Mood Music------------ “Will you tell me that one story, dad? Before you go?” The man stopped at the door, and glanced back over his shoulder. The little boy, all wrapped up in his blankets, caused a smile to grace the man’s face. “Which one, bud?” The boy grinned. “The one about the maps!” The man sighed, shook and shook his head in mock distress. “All right. One story.” He settled down at the bottom of the boy’s bed. “Well, once, a while ago, when I was away-” “Exploring, right?” The man put a finger to his lips, his smile returning. “Who’s telling this story? Me or you?” The boy giggled, and laid back on his pillows. “You.” The man huffed. “Right. Me. Anyway, when I was exploring a solar system, I came across a planet. Nothing big- it was pretty small, actually. But the people were monkeys. Big monkeys, but monkeys. They called themselves the Apex. Ah-ah-” The man raised a hand, as the boy’s mouth opened. “I’m not done. They looked like big monkeys, but they were really, really smart.” “Smarter than you, dad?” The man nodded. “Yeah, way smarter than me. Still, they were pretty nice to me, and they gave me dinner. While we were eating, I heard them talking about maps, stars, and other such nonsense. It didn’t make any sense to me, so I asked them what they were talking about.” He smiled again. “They looked at me like I was crazy, and said something about a Galactic Map, as if that would clear everything up.” The boy grinned toothily, and rolled over to one side. “So?” “Well, I’m getting to that… Anyway, they kept talking, and ignored me. So I listened in, and tried to understand a little bit. After we finished eating, I went straight to the nearest terminal, and looked up the ‘Galactic Map’. There was almost nothing about it at all, but I found one old story, from humans, that talked about a really old, extinct group of demigods who-“ The boy rolled back to face his father. “What does demigod mean?” The man paused briefly, then said, “It means…a really, really strong person.” “Oh.” “Yeah. But this story talked about an extinct group of demigods who were so strong, they could control entire galaxies. Yeah, I know,” The man continued, “That is a lot. So, the story says that these people actually created the world, and everything else around us. They even made other people. These other guys weren’t as smart, but they were stubborn, like you.” He poked the boy in the belly. “These people weren’t as nice as the demigods, and they start fighting. The other, strong people got caught up in the fighting, too, after a little while. "As they fought each other, a faction- er, group- of the strong people pulled away from the rest, and ran away, to a really faraway place. They made…something, something that could change everything, if only they could find the time to use it. The thing took a lot of time to work, and the people were being followed. The demigods knew they would be caught, so, in the little time they had, they used all of their powers to change the entire galaxy." Of course, the full story was vastly more complex, but there was no need to confuse the child with such intricate details. “Whoa! How did they do that?” The boy was wide-eyed. “I’m not sure.” The man scratched his chin. “I think they used the power of every single demigod in the galaxy.” “Whoa!” “Yeah, I know. Anyway, they used their powers to change the entire galaxy. They made it so that if you looked into the sky, from juuust the right spot, you would see a map. An actual map, made of stars, which would lead you to the next spot. If you followed the maps, you would find the super strong thing the demigods made, and be able to change the galaxy.” The man stopped for a quick breath. “So I left that planet, and came back home. I’ve spent every moment on every planet looking for one of the maps. I haven’t seen one, yet, but I’m not gonna stop searching.” “Me either, dad!” The boy was sitting bolt upright. “I’m gonna find that map!” The man grinned. “Not if I find it first!” He leaned over, and started tickling the little boy. “We’ll race for it!” After the pair stopped laughing, the man stood. “I have to go. I got hired to look at a brand new planet! No one’s ever seen it before!” The boy stared at his father. “Wow!” “Yeah!” The man patted his son on the head, kissed him on the forehead, and headed out of the room. “Sleep tight!” A few seconds after the man left, the boy scrambled to his feet, going over to the window. He smiled, a little sadly, and pushed a hand against the glass, as he watch his father get into the car, pull out of the drive way. “Bye, dad. Come home soon.” And with that, the young boy pressed his face to the window, and gazed up into the starry sky. ------------[Next Chapter]------------ Notes. I wrote this pretty quick, and I was pretty tired while I did, so I probably missed a few things, and made some awkward word choices here and there, but I worked as fast as possible. Writing bedtime stories is haaaard.
Oh, I just don't want to spoil the story. EDIT: Found a nice theme song for the Prologue. It was made by one of my friends, so go check it out. God damn onion cutting ninjas.
One - Touchdown------------ “You getting ready, Dusty? Althion Four ‘s almost in sight. Ten, fifteen minutes, tops. Get that suit on.” Dustin looked up at Kallum, annoyed. “I’m working on it, Kal. This suit the Company gave us is at least a decade behind in tech. Seriously, I saw these things when I was sixteen." Kallum, co-pilot of The Apollo, and Dustin’s good friend, rolled his eyes, taking great care to let Dustin see him. “I don’t care, man, and neither does DomiCorp. All I know is that we have one shot at the drop zone. We busted our asses to get here in time for high tide, and we don’t have the fuel to stay running if we miss it. Now get that suit on!” Dustin grumbled, mildly irked, and resumed his struggle with the cumbersome explorer’s space suit he had been issued by DomiCorp. Bastards. They called him up, charter him for a completely unexplored planet, and give him the worst possible protection they could. Well, maybe not the worst: it was solid enough for its age, but it was so old. “Seven minutes, Dusty!” Dustin shook his head. There would be time for sulking later. For now, it was time to act. He pushed his foot through the right boot of the suit. It wasn’t bulky, really, but it was very difficult to get on and off, due to the heavy friction caused by the form-fitting rubber insulation on the inside. He got one foot inside, and started working on the other. “Six minutes!” “God damn it, Kal, I know!” Dustin continued forcing his foot into the boot, and finally, after another thirty seconds, got them in. All that was left was the gloves, and the chest piece. A minute or so later, breathing hard from the effort, Dustin finally pulled the piece over his head, and tugged the gloves on. “All right, I’m finished. Shut up.” Dustin pushed a little square on his left shoulder, activating the suit. Pieces of ‘maximum-strength’ plastic slid out from recessed areas, covering the rest of his body rapidly. The plastic could stop bullets, theoretically, but it still moved with him relatively well. He moved over to the rack on the side of the ship’s cockpit, and yanked one of the helmets from the wall, before returning to his seat aside Kallum. “How much time left?” Kallum pushed back a strand of his hair. “I’d say about ten more minutes. We’re actually ahead of schedule.” He grinned. “We’ll be fine. Probably. I just like messing with you.” Dustin wanted to punch him, and would have, but something caught his eyes. A tiny dot, far off, which rapidly grew larger as they drew nearer. Althion IV. “I hate you,” he said, not really meaning it. He was too busy watching the brand new planet approach. There was…something, orbiting it. “Hey, Kal, slow down a bit. There's something over there.” Kallum nodded. “Mhm. I see it.” Kal flicked a switch, and a holographic keyboard popped up in front of him. He typed a quick command, moved a ‘mouse’ a little bit, and then hit another key. The words ‘SCANNING FOR SYNTHETIC MATERIALS AT SPECIFIED SECTOR.’ appeared off to the side of the cockpit windshield, along with a little progress bar, which filled quickly. As the scan ran, Dustin tried to make out the strange thing. “Is that, uh...a ship?” Kallum shrugged. “Could be. Maybe DomiCorp isn’t the only group that knows about this planet. It's in a fairly secluded sector, but that doesn't mean much. Maybe it's just nobody’s bothered to come here yet. Or at least, That’s what I thought, anyway. Maybe-” ‘SCAN COMPLETE.’ The computer beeped, once, twice. ‘AT SPECIFIED COORDINATES, LARGE DEPOSIT OF SYNTHETIC METALS AND PLASTICS DETECTED.’ Dustin nodded. “I thought so.” He pushed a circle on the dashboard. “Output: possible structures.” ‘POSSIBLE STRUCTURES: ASTEROID, FIFTEEN PERCENT CHANCE. SATELLITE, FIFTEEN PERCENT CHANCE. SPACECRAFT, SEVENTY PERCENT CHANCE.’ “Huh.” Dustin sucked on the inside of his cheek, mulling it over. “Weird.” Kallum terminated the program, and the two continued to watch the planet, which grew faster and faster. The heap of junk orbiting the planet was easily discernible now: obviously an abandoned ship of some sort. No vital signs came up on the scanners, nor any kind of electric traces or heat remains. It was a cold, dead hunk of metal. “That’s creepy.” Kallum shook his head slowly. “Looks like an explorer’s ship. D’you think someone else tried to get here first?” “It's possible. Probably. It’s really more a matter of who.” “Right. Well, anyway, the scouter is in the back, as usual. I’ll keep us in orbit until you finished up. Try not to take too long, alright? We barely got any fuel. DomiCorp is stingy as hell with their stuff.” “You can say that again,” Dustin muttered as he headed for the hangar. He pulled on his helmet, which sealed around his neck, and entered the airlock. All of the air drained from around him, leaving Dustin with only the air in the suit, and the high-grade rebreather. At least DomiCorp had seen fit to give him that. With the rebreather, he could survive on a single breather of air indefinitely. Good tech. He entered the hangar, a medium-sized metal ‘hall’ with a few openings at the other end. Only three or four ships dotted the empty space, but, then again, this was an explorer’s vessel, not a battleship. He made a beeline for the small, fast looking vehicle at the far end of the hangar. The Scout ship. He hopped in, keyed the ignition sequence, and turned on the radio. “I’m all set. Launching when you give the signal.” “Right, Dusty. I’m linking your system to mine. About ten seconds before the window opens.” “Copy that. Standing by.” All this formal jargon wasn’t really necessary, but it helped the two to focus their minds for a mission. Dustin’s finger tapped the control stick uncomfortably as he counted down the seconds. Three…two…one. “Scout One, you are clear for launch. Aim for this.” A blinking light appeared on Dustin’s radar, symbolizing the drop area- a small sea that only appeared at high tide. The Scout Ship was built for speed, not control. It traveled linearly extraordinarily well, but it couldn’t pull off efficient landings or dog-fighting. Hence, the drop point. A crash landing into the ocean. “Right, Kal. Try not to burn out the ship before I get back.” Dustin leaned forward on the control stick, and pushed a slider to the top of its track. The Scout Ship rose, and rocketed out of the hangar, streaking toward the planet below. A minute long journey, at most. “Dusty, I got some info from the scans on this planet- seems like it’s a tropical biome, mostly, with really thick jungles. There’s also a lot of…moving plants. I don’t know, that’s the best I got. There is plant-life that is moving a hell of a lot more than it should. Could be Florans, but it isn’t too active, so I can’t really be sure.” Dustin chewed his lip lightly, considering the data. “Well, it isn’t too much to worry about, I guess. I’ve dealt with worse things than overactive plants.” The two shared a cynical chuckle as Dustin rocketed toward the planet. He entered the atmosphere, released the parachute, and dropped slowly toward the surface. -- Of course, landing was rough as per usual. Dustin slammed into the water at just under supersonic, which had only occurred thanks to the high strength parachute trailing behind the ship. He should have been crushed to death, but the Scout’s specially designed nosecone slipped through the water easily. He went almost five hundred feet under the waves before he slowed enough to turn back to the air. The ship broke through the waves cleanly, bobbing and rippling with the sea. He sighed, and flicked on his comm. “Doesn’t matter how much I do this, it’s still brutal.” Kallum responded as Dustin popped the hatch, and climbed out of the cockpit, onto the wing. “That’s why I’m the analyst. No smashing into things for me.” “Shut up,” Dustin sighed. He reached over the side of the ship, dipping a long, syringe-like device into the sea. “What do you think? Acid? Safe to drink?” “Well, the hydrometer isn’t melting, so I’d assume it’s not going to kill you. Looks like the water is a bit dense in terms of nutrients, which would explain the huge amount of wildlife and plants. You should be good to swim any rivers you come across.” “Copy that.” Dustin hopped back into the Scout ship, keyed it to life, and blasted toward the shored. He was careful to keep his speed manageable, and glided up onto a pristine, white beach without trouble. “All right, I’m going in.” “Good luck, dude.” Right. Dustin muttered in his mind. Time to see what we’ve got here. Better not be damn robo-sharks. The last time we had robo-sharks, Scout One was in the shop for a month. -- Althion Four was astounding. If the Garden of Eden- a mythological paradise from an ancient Earth religious book- actually existed in reality, this was the place. In the span of two minutes, Dustin had seen birds of every color and size flitting about the trees, a uncountable amount of flora, thirty easily distinguishable species of mammal, sixty two of reptiles, and literal masses of different insect life. To Dustin, almost every tree seemed to have a different looking fruit. He continued gazing around in wonder, as he trekked through the jungle. He flicked on his communication unit, at his belt. “Kal, are you seeing this? This is ridiculous! It’s like a zoo!” A bit of delay, and then: “Yeah, I’m getting it. The computer’s recording all your video, too, so we should be able to analyze it, later. Aw, man.” Kallum groaned. “Do you know how long this is gonna take? Damn it all.” Dustin grinned. “Suck it up, man. We’ll soldier through.” He started walking again. “I’m going to move on. I’ll start looking for minerals and strange elements. That’s what DomiCorp wants, after all.” He stopped looking at the trees, and started looking more at the ground. “Looks like the ground is sort of...glowing. Holy- it is glowing! But only parts of it. The hell is this?” Kallum’s voice blared in his ears. “Maybe a new discovery? Might get us paid some extra. Can you snag any of it?” “No. I didn't bring any digging tools. I'll mark it though, so we can find it later.” Kallum mumbled something barely intelligible. "Of course you didn't. Moron." Okay, then. Dustin switched off his comm. Don't want to listen to him whining any longer than I have to. Annoying son of a bi- Something rustled in the bushes. Maybe it was his many experiences with from-bush assaults, but Dustin stopped, targeted where the sound was coming from, and then turned to face it. He didn’t say, ‘Who’s there’, or anything stupid like the idiots from those cheap horror holos. It did nothing but make one look afraid, and give away their position. Instead, he settled into a solid combat stance, and pulled his standard combat knife, handgun combo from their places on his waist. He held the knife backhand, which braced the weapon, to better stop a melee assault. Then he waited. A trickle of sweat wound down his back, as he stayed loose, but alert. If anything hostile was out there, he would be ready for it. No way am I gonna get- It broke loose from the bushes, rushing at him with a blurring speed. On sheer instinct, Dustin lifted his blade-arm over his head, stopping a crude metal club as it crashed down. He made sure to use the flat of the blade, to his weapon's maintain sharpness. He heaved back at his attacker, and got his first good look. A plant. It was a plant. With sharp teeth. Since when did plants have teeth? For that matter, since when did plants look like people? The creature in front of him was no doubt flora, but it bore a distinct shape of a human. He looked at it for another second, and then shot it in the chest, twice. With the creature dead, Dustin turned on his comm. “Hey, eh…Kallum, I, uh, found a Floran.” “Really? Well, shit. That isn’t good. I knew this place was too good to be true. You’d better start moving.” Dustin chuckled dryly. “No kidding. I’ll-“ He was interrupted by an ear rending screech. “Time to go.” He set off at a dead sprint, racing away from the rapidly approaching plant people. “Craaaaaap.” He looked over his shoulder. There was easily two dozen of them, leaping through the trees and racing along the ground. Unlike Dustin, they were used to this terrain, and moved with a swiftness that astounded him. He would never have managed it, and only just barely managed to stay ahead of the horde. He redoubled his efforts to run, encouraged by the keening screeches and the crude weapons they carried. “Not good, not good. Not good- Agh!” Dustin cried out as he tripped on a plant of some kind, smashing his helmet into a sharp rock. The plastic, while incredibly strong, was unprepared for the glowing rock, and Dustin almost lost an eyeball to the stone. Luckily, it stopped about an inch from his left eye. After recovering from his near death, Dustin got to his feet. His helmet was worthless in terms of protection, now. A gaping hole had all but ruined it. The technology still functioned, since the circuitry was in the back of the helm, but it wouldn't stop much. He pulled it off, and almost tossed it aside. Another screech kickstarted his feet. The Florans were getting closer. He had to make it back to the Scout ship if he was going to have any chance of getting out of this mess alive. Problem was, he was completely lost. “Kallum! Scouter! Now!” “Transmitting now. Lucky for you, your viewer still shows coordinates.” A point appeared on Dustin’s Viewer, a device not unlike the ‘sci-fi visors’ of ancient fiction. It was inside the Explorer's helmet, which Dustin rapid slid back on. Dustin cursed. He’d been going the wrong way. “Damn it all to hell.” He didn’t stop running, though. He’d have to curve around. I swear to whatever damned god is out there, I will never take a job like this again without backup. Nine times out of ten, he found himself in just this scenario. Except, most of the time, he’d had a bigger gun. -- Dustin had been running for a few minutes before something caught his eye, causing a sudden stop. Perhaps reckless, but he couldn’t see or hear the Florans, anyway. He had a little time to examine, the…temple. It was a temple, made of the same glowing rock he had seen before. It was mysteriously captivating. He even saw an entrance which he could reach. He took a step forward, and then stopped as his View lit up with an angry red dot, right on top of him. “Aw, hell.” Then the Floran landed on his back, and stuck him with a wooden club. He lay there, half stunned, as the Florans swarmed about, trussing him up, and lifting him into the air. As they roughly carried the dazed explorer down a strange route, Dustin made a hazy mental note to start asking for money in advance. We don't get paid enough for this shit. ------------Notes. Chapter one, fckyeah! It took me a while, but when I have homework, I write like nobody's business. So, again, this was written as a first draft, and I know for a fact I have some bad presentation in here. When I get a suitable distance into the story, I'll update everything to Version 2.0. I hope you enjoyed Ch 1. Ch 2 is coming whenever I get around to it. [Last Chapter] [Next Chapter]
Two - Escape------------ Blood. That was the first thing that pierced Dustin’s fuzzy senses. The taste of the hot liquid on his tongue. Not a great sign. He was hanging upside down. His lips were really, really dry. As he slowly regained his senses, his thoughts became more and more focused. He had been ambushed by a tribe of Florans. He remembered that. One of them had hit him in the head. Kal would probably want to know where he was. Dustin started to struggle. Maybe he could break free. No: A crude blade flicked to his throat. He froze. No struggling allowed, apparently. He tried to speak. “Easy, now. I’m- hul-ah-ack!” The knife pressed into his throat, cutting off his words. Starting to split the skin: Not good. Clearly they weren’t interested in chit-chat, either. The Floran with the sharp…thing finally stepped into view, kneeling down in front of him. It smiled. Dustin had seen a Floran’s anatomy once before, long ago during his University years, but a chill still crept down his spine. The sight was terrifying, but it did clear the last bit of grogginess from his mind. He was able to slowly turn his head, and take in the surroundings. They were equally gruesome. Dozens upon dozens of Florans circled him, unnaturally silent. They were obviously waiting for a sign from the one still pushing a blade into Dustin’s neck. He must be the Alpha. I may be in some trouble. Unlike the heroes of fiction, nobody was going to come at the last moment, and save the day. He was stuck here, and lucky to be alive. The head Floran stepped back from Dustin, and raised its’ arms. It spoke, and Dustin winced. The voice sounded like a cross between a deathly screeching, and plants growing far too quickly to be natural: a combo of shrieks, tree-like groans, and snapping noises. The gathered Florans added their voices to the clamor, almost deafening Dustin with their noise. If he got out of this alive, he would have a new respect for nature- preferably nature that didn’t try to kill him. The lead Floran shrieked again, and a length of some sort of rope- or vine- was tossed into its’ hand. Dustin stayed perfectly still as he was bound even tighter with this new set of bonds. One wrong move could render him unconscious, or dead. Neither was desirable. Finished, the Floran turned to the rest, screamed some more, and then leapt off the makeshift stage, forging a path through the others. He, or she, was quickly followed by the still screeching Florans, leaving Dustin alone. Or so he thought. A single being stayed behind, watching Dustin as silently as the others had before. A small thing, this Floran seemed less violent than the others, observing the captive human carefully and curiously. Dustin couldn’t be sure, but he could have even sworn he saw discolored patches on the Floran’s skin- like bruises. As dangerous as his predicament was, he couldn’t help but chuckle cynically to himself about the potential situation. How cliché, if he was helped and freed by the sad and alone ‘runt of the litter’. No offense to the runt, of course. “Hey.” Dustin hadn’t been gagged, thankfully. They probably hadn’t seen his flat, human teeth as much of a threat. The Floran simply stared at him. He tried again. “How are you? I’m Dustin.” Still no response. Great. He couldn’t use the universal language- sign language, of course- with his arms strapped up like this, and if he started struggling, there was very chance this little Floran would give him away. He weighed his odds. He was going to die either way, so why not take the route which might not end in death? Dustin slowly levered his left hand in its glove, activating the pressure switch he hoped even this most basic of ExploSuits had. A slight snick greeted his ears, and he sighed inwardly with relief. A three-inch utility knife blade slid out of the top of his wrist, punching through the binding on his hands. Now he had a little bit of room to maneuver, even if he was still trussed up tighter than the Apex by the MiniKnog. Next, he slowly chipped through the think vines holding him motionless, upside-down. Every few seconds, he would look up at the Floran watching him. Still nothing. Good. With an audible snap, the vines fell away from Dustin’s torso, leaving only his legs bound. This was the easy part, he thought, reaching for his belted knife. The sheath was empty: he must have dropped the knife and gun when they had ambushed him. Okay, maybe this won’t be so easy, but I’ve still got this one. It’ll do. He set to work, sawing away at the bindings. One strand fell away, then another. Soon his legs were only being held together by the loop holding him suspended. He reached up with the non-blade hand, and grasped the vine above the loop, then cut through in one clean motion. He was free. Time to go. He looked at the Floran again. This time, it nodded at him, then went back to observing. So…no help, but no harm, either. That was all right with him. He returned the nod, and then dashed off into the underbrush, in the opposite direction of the Floran tribe. He needed to put some distance between him and his captors. As he ran, he switched his communicator back to two-way. Foolishly, Dustin had set the talk mode to ‘one-way’: only he could contact Kallum. What a mistake to make. “Dustin! That wasn't funny. I thought you were in some serious sh-“ “No time, Kal. I was tied up, now I'm not. I need coordinates back to that lake I landed in, now.” “Oh. All right. Transmitting.” Thankfully, Kallum decided to be serious, for once. “Here, since you dropped your weapons the same way, I’ll mark those for you, too. I knew those tracers would come in handy.” Dustin grinned. “Yeah. Close one. I-“ A screeching howl echoed through the trees. “All right, now they’re on me. Make sure everything is ready to go by the time I get back!” “Right. I’ll have us out of here as soon as you board. Just hurry.” Radio silence followed as Dustin doubled his efforts to escape. The screaming plants moved quicker in their native terrain than he could. If he could just- A golden flicker caught his eye. He almost tripped, trying to stop and see it again. This was a planet of green, blue, and brown: there was no gold. Something flickered in the back of his mind and, almost subconsciously, he veered off course, heading for the golden flicker. Kallum expressed his doubts, vehemently, but Dustin tuned him out. Something was pushing him to investigate. He pushed through a line of eye-level shrubs, and suddenly it was there. A massive golden temple, almost magically popping into existence. It was massive, stretching far up into the sky. Dustin gauged it to be maybe a five hundred feet. They probably only missed it the first time because it was covered in plant life, and dwarfed by the trees around it. There was a door at the base. Naturally, Dustin headed for it. Kallum broke in. “Dustin, there could be anything in there. Literally anything. Let's not take any unnecessary risks, please? “Kal,” Dustin ducked inside the temple. “Something about this place feels important. Don’t worry, it isn't even that complex. It just goes up a flight of stairs to another platform.” The screeching faded. “Plus, sounds like I lost them.” Kallum sighed over the connection. “Fine. Don't take to long.” Dustin sighed in return, and headed for the steps. There were a lot of them, snaking around the wall of the temple. He didn’t have too much time, so he set his helmet on continuous stream recording, and dashed up the steps. The camera auto-stabilized and had a near two-seventy view of the room. It would get everything clearly. Even if he was runnign for his life, Dustin was still a professional. He pounded up the steps, heading for the tiny platform in the middle of the air, suspended by dozens of long, slender gold tendrils. There was a pedestal there, with some sort of looking device, or telescope. Following his gut, Dustin peered into the contraption. The first thing he noticed was the night. There was no sun. He pulled away, and looked up. Golden light gleamed into the temple. Strange. He looked back into the device. Without the sun, he could see stars. Every single one of them. Even the faintest specks were visible. Something clicked in his mind. The stars…they looked almost like…Dustin gasped, and gripped tight to the device in shock. Kallum cut into his epiphany. “What? What is it?” Dustin was silent. Could it be true? Could Dad? He was right? That old story...and I thought that I-heh, that clever old bastard. He needed to get back to the ship. And fast. He looked into the telescope one last time, to make sure he had the proper footage, and then raced down the stairs. A screeching filled his ears as he pelted out of the temple. Behind him, the single scream echoed, quickly joined by another, and another, until a veritable tidal wave of Florans streaked after him. They were fast, especially the leader. With his primitive knife, the head Floran quickly gained ground on Dustin. One foot, three, ten. Dustin was still too far from the Scout Ship. Too far from safety. He was, however, getting close to his weapons. If he could reach those… He put on another burst of speed. The leader screamed in annoyance, and fell back fractionally. Dustin slowed as much as he dared, preparing to sntch up his equipment in one movement. He broke into the clearing, dashing almost full-tilt toward the two weapons, lying exactly where he had left them. He bent low, reached out, and snatched up the gun, sheathed the knife, and broke out into a dead run once again. He went about twenty paces, stopped, turned, and faced the horde of creatures. He wished he hadn’t. They reminded him of fear itself, flowing at him in a roiling wave. He aimed quickly squeezing off shots from the gun until it clicked. He managed drop at least ten Florans, but many, many more were following. There were so many. He could stop and reload, but they would be upon him by then. The death and noise from the gun had only bought him a little time. No, he'd have to do it on the go. He turned and ran, desperately hoping he wouldn’t trip on some root. The fumbling with the clip slowed him, but it was essential. He finally rammed it into the handgun, and bolted, all out. The Floran mourning of their dead consisted of a small group staying behind and cannibalizing the corpses. The rest ran on, to avenge their fallen. Which meant that not nearly enough stayed behind to give Dustin a break. The leader began to gain again. Dustin was still too far from the ship- had he really covered that much ground before they ambushed him?- to safely make it before being caught. He could use his gun, but it was quite possible, even probable, that he would miss. No…he would need to run on. A glint of movement caught his eye. Another Floran? He swore. This was not good. No, not another Floran: the movement was heading toward the Floran horde. And Dustin noticed something else- it was a great deal of movement. Almost like…an army. He slowed just enough to look behind him. Another huge group of Florans, differently colored, launched themselves at the first horde. Dustin lost track of who was who, then. All he knew was that he had a chance. He took it, setting off with renewed enthusiasm. “Kal!” “Yeah?” Kallum had been staying quiet, to help Dustin focus. “More Florans! They’re fighting each other!” “Awesome. Get your ass back here, Dusty. This is a bit of luck we shouldn’t waste.” Dustin nodded, mostly to himself. “Obviously.” He wasn’t going to slow down, that was for- A screeching cry startled him. It had come from far too close behind. He tried to go faster, but he was only mortal. Already the adrenaline was wearing thin, and now that he noticed it, he was gasping for breath. Dustin prided himself on being healthier than the average hunting animal, but even he couldn’t keep running indefinitely. The same Floran, the leader with the knife, bowled Dustin over. He flailed about for a few moments, desperately trying to keep going. With the Scout ship still not in sight, he tripped, thrust out his hand, and then pulled it back at the last second, narrowly avoiding a break. He rolled to his back, groaning in pain, and went to draw his knife, but the Floran was only just faster. With a triumphant snapping sound, the plant-person’s sharp stone whipped down, punching through the reinforced polymer. Dustin's eyes widened. There should have been no way to breach the material. His employers had promised total safety. At first, Dustin didn’t feel the impact, the blade, or the pain. It was simply a dull thud, a heavy exhale, and a blink of surprise. The Floran smiled at him, that soul-freezing grin, and suddenly the total agony ripped through him like a second, searing knife blade. It drove all breath from his lungs, froze his limbs in shock, and brought tears to his eyes. Bile rose in his throat, but he didn’t have the strength to spit it out. His vision blurred, partially from the tears. The Floran reared back, pounding on its chest in success. Dustin tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn’t form words. Kallum squawked something over the com system, but his ears refused to function as they should. The last sound he heard, barely, and with great difficulty, his eyes fluttered and black rushed in, was the screech of the Floran warlord, showing its final dominance over its enemy. Dustin’s eyes closed, and he felt no more. ------------Notes. It's a little long, I guess, but this is how I do it. I might reformat it into smaller chunks later. So...plot twist. That's really all I have to say. Oh wait. Please keep reading, cause there will be more. Enjoy! [Last Chapter]
I really like the story so far, Mercy (If it's alright to call you that). The cliff hanger at the end of chapter two is making me look forward for more. I really like how well all of the characters left an impact, especially Dustin. I'm not much of writer to give any feedback about grammar, format or anything like that. But to me, it's a really good read. Nothing boring and it's pretty exciting.
I am not going to nitpick about grammar or simple mistakes because there were not that many and they didn't get in the way of my enjoyment. Now, there are some things that I felt you did very well: 1. The dialogue is superb. There is plenty of give and take that really gives the impression that the story is actually moving forward. 2. The story makes sense. There is a time leap between the prologue and the first chapter (which is common), but it was evident very quickly who Dustin was. I dislike it when I feel tossed about the story without purpose, which was not the case here. 3. The story is simple. You are writing a story that is specific and follows a formula. The events are sequential, the characters are consistent, and I don't have to try to figure out what you are trying to tell me. The only real issue that I have (if you can even call it that) is that the dialogue occasionally gets in the way when you are trying to set the stage. As you have progressed this has almost become unnoticeable, which means you are probably aware of it. It is probably worth noting that I have recently been re-reading the Wheel of Time series by the late Robert Jordan, which many people I know complain about for being too descriptive. It is quite possible that those books have clouded my judgement a bit. Overall, a great read, and I very much look forward to more! Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
I need to update this, huh? It's been a while. I have the inspiration, the ideas, and the want, but I haven't been able to find the time. blargh
IndentedHey Mercenary Lord, IndentedTied to the Skies was an interesting read. =) IndentedHaving said that there are some spelling errors, a couple of punctuation errors, tense shifts—mistakes easily fixed by another read-through, perhaps aloud. Nothing that stopped me from continuing, obviously, but they stand out. IndentedI’ve other concerns, though. IndentedPrologue. I’m not sure whether or not to take the father’s story as truth, but seeing as how events in the second chapter seem to confirm the existence of a map, I’m going to go ahead and believe it. Which leads me to ask: if these demigods had, as you say, the power to create life, to control galaxies, why then the roundabout answer to the conflict? Why flee to work on something in secret when you have the power to shape reality and so end the problem before it gets out of hand? If this story is true, it doesn’t make much sense, sort of like having a character possess an anti-magic sword but willfully decide not to use it when faced with wizards and sorceresses and such. IndentedEllipses. This could come down to a matter of style but I felt they were, if not abused, then too enthusiastically employed. Two that stuck with me: IndentedThe leader. Seemed a bit off to me for him to allow the faster Florans their lead much later than should’ve have happened. Especially since the leader, as you describe it, wasn’t much behind Dustin. Sending the swifter Florans first would’ve ended the chase. Problematic for Dustin, but sensible since you mentioned there were still faster opponents on his heels. IndentedPolymer suit. You say the leader broke through its weakest point but in chapter one you also say the suit is capable of stopping bullets. Is the leader that strong or is there something else I’m missing? IndentedTwice cursed? By which I mean this second chapter also ends with Dustin losing consciousness. Not sure if that’s an oversight, or meant to play up a humourous angle, or what. IndentedDialogue. I get that there was meant to be a comedic cant to their banter but it felt forced. Or missed the mark is more accurate. In any case, less would’ve been more, as some exchanges went on for longer than needed, or were played up too much—“Ooooooooh, no. You are not going into an abandoned temple on a planet full of death. No. No. NO.”—and while not a chore to read through it did become a bit annoying. (My response to your dialogue comes down to, in part, style, but even so.) IndentedLike I said, an interesting read. Best of luck with the upcoming chapters.
Mmk, so first of all: thanks for the little tidbit of insight. --- In order... -The prologue is something I have thought a lo about. There's enough content there for an entire other short story of its own. Long story short, however, the demigods of TttS only have that kind of power when they're all together. With them actively fighting against each other, their power is severely limited. Even with such a band of the demigods working together to reshape the stars, they weren't able to anything against the other warring factions. Planets in the way got decimated, etc. Keep in mind it's for a kid, so the heavy details are cut out. I would hve explain more if the setting was a history class or something. Nice catch. -Ellipses are part of dialogue, and my dialogue, being written mostly at around 2AM, is not perfect. -The whole bit with the florans is that it's a- actually, I'll reveal that next chapter. It's a pretty simple reason, but it works. -Polymer Suit will also be explained, ever fear. -Twice cursed. It might become a running gag, but it might just be an odd coincidence. -For dialogue, see above. --- Thanks again.
Nice work merc, don't ask why but I was listening to some songs from fallout instead of you suggested one (Sorry, Don't hurt me) I Honestly can not wait for chapter three, Obviously I want starbound more but that still doesnt change this is an awsome story.
So I know that I should just write Chapter three already, but instead I went and made some edits to chapter two. Fight me.
