Inspired by the Vogons from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the Bureaucrons are one of the most unpleasant sentient races in the galaxy. While not actually evil, they are bad-tempered, mindlessly bureaucratic, pompous, disdainful of other races, and have about as much sex-appeal as roadkill. In fact, they wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own aunts from being eaten alive by the Black Beast of Aauurrgh without orders to do so, signed in braille, sent in, sent back, lost, found, subjected to proofreading, translated into Pig Latin, subjected to proofreading again, lost, found, translated into binary code, eaten up and regurgitated by Mindwurms, and finally, flushed down the toilet and reprocessed into baking soda after 3 months, with a documented 40% chance of mistranslation, give or take 7%. These sluglike humanoids evolved on the planet Bureauglobe, where burrowing creatures called Faceswatters attacked anyone or anything that thought of an idea. Because of this, the Bureaucrons evolved so that their noses were located on their forehead (to minimize the damage to their faces), and their civilization evolved into one where free thought was suppressed so that the Bureaucrons could avoid being attacked by the Faceswatters. Under no circumstances should you let a Bureaucron sing a song to you. That's because Bureaucron songs are widely considered to be the 3rd worst songs in the entire galaxy. The 2nd worst song was written by the Tonedeafians of planet Noeissee. During an opera recited by their Grandmistress Songstress Laryngitis the Pustulent of her musical number "Nocturne of a Small Pimple that I Popped on My Nose One Spring Morning", five audience members reportedly died of hemorrhaging, while the Chairman of the Galactic Council of Art and Music only managed to survive by ripping his ears off. Reportedly disappointed by the song's reception, Laryngitis was about to begin singing her epic 20-hour-long song titled "My Most Harmonic Flautulent Sounds" when, all of a sudden, she vomited out her own heart at such velocity, that it decapitated the composer, seemingly in her body's attempt to prevent the downfall of galactic civilization as we know it. The worst song in the galaxy is widely-accepted to be "Baby", which was infamously sung by Justin Bieber. Luckily, Justin Bieber is long dead by the time that Starbound takes place, while the last remaining copies of the song were relocated to the player's homeworld just before it was destroyed. Bureaucron songs are mild by comparison. (It should be noted that even worse songs may exist that have not been well-documented. Luckily, the player lacks the high standards needed to actually perish, or even writhe in agony, while listening to Bureaucron songs. Rather, the player would most likely end up confused by the lyrics, and may even find the song funny.) On Bureauglobe, the Bureaucrons' favorite pastime would be to sit on very elegant unicorn-like creatures, whose backs would snap if the Bureaucrons tried to ride them, although the Bureaucrons were perfectly happy just sitting on them. The Bureaucrons' favorite food source comes from the beautiful gem-laden lobsters that lived upon their homeworld of Bureauglobe. The Bureaucrons import millions of these lobsters from their homeworld, where they are then pounded with large iron mallets, and cooked by placing the lobster meat into boiling pots full of water that are suspended over bonfires that burn wood taken from rare, endangered trees that the Bureaucrons chop down for firewood. Weapons: The Bureaucrons' weapon of choice (and the only weapon that they're authorized and trained to use for that matter) seems to be the Bureaublaster, an automatic energy-based blaster that resembles a camera crossed with a music box, is fueled by inefficient batteries that require frequent replacement, and must be deployed on a tripod mount (which takes over 15 seconds to do) before the Bureaucron may be allowed to fire the weapon. The blasters require lots of maintenance, have high recoil, take more time to reload than it takes to reload a crossbow or an M249 SAW, are extremely inaccurate, are very prone to jamming, are only harmful at distances of less than 200 meters, and are incapable of penetrating through plate armor, or even wooden shields (though they'll likely catch on fire). You'd be better off using a simple bow-and-arrow, or a harder-to-use atlatl, than you would be using a Bureaublaster. In fact, the only advantage that a Bureaublaster has over a bow-and-arrow is that it can be broken down into components that can be used in creating far more effective weapons, such as Plasma Rifles. The Bureaucrons are forbidden from firing their Bureaublasters while pointed close to other Bureaucrons, even if enemies are in front of them, due to the fact that stray shots could hit fellow Bureaucrons instead. Moreover, since the Bureaucrons need to deploy their Bureaublasters on tripods before they can fire, most enemies can easily outmaneuver Bureaucrons, even if armed with only melee weapons, as the Bureaucrons struggle to turn to face their opponents. Armor: Bureaucronian Armor is an expensive-to-produce synthetic armor that was designed to offer limited protection from stray shots fired by a Bureaublaster, which are heat-based. However, it provides insufficient protection against standard military-grade Laser Rifles, Plasma Rifles, and Flamethrowers, which are far deadlier than a Bureaublaster. Moreover, Bureaucronian Armor provides kinetic protection that's comparable to padded leather, meaning that not only can bullets easily penetrate through Bureaucronian Armor, but also a simple bow-and-arrow or knife. Spaceships: The Bureaucrons' main means of interstellar transportation are massive spaceships called Demolishers, that resemble black and yellow bricks more than they resemble warships. These Demolisher warships are capable of destroying entire planets (which the Bureaucrons do if, say, it's in the way of a planned interstellar hyperspace bypass), though unfortunately for the Bureaucrons, only 2% of the planets that are targeted for demolition have actually been destroyed, with approximately 23% of the attempts resulting in the instantaneous, catastrophic destruction of the entire Bureaucron fleet that assembled in orbit around the targeted planet. Only if enough Demolishers are present (any more or less would cause a catastrophic chain reaction), if all Demolishers are aligned in the right place (within 10 kilometers from eachother, and at the right distance from the planet where gravity is about 10% Earth's surface gravity), if all Demolishers fire their Demolition Beams at the right time, and if there's not enough interference from radio waves (a simple radio tower on the surface can emit enough radio waves to disrupt the process) can the planet be successfully destroyed. Moreover, the Demolition Beams take about 7 Earth days to fully charge, and while the Demolishers possess the ability to defend themselves from attack by other spaceships, their batteries consist of basically larger versions of Bureaublasters, which are likewise very inaccurate, and while they're powerful enough to destroy another Demolisher (due to being built for demolition of planets from orbit, instead of for warfare, and due to be built under the assumption that they wouldn't have to enter the planet's atmosphere), they're incapable of even melting through the hull of something as small as a space shuttle (which they shrug off as easily as reentering a planet's atmosphere), let alone the average warship (which could take out thousands of Demolishers before finally succumbing to the damage done by the ship-mounted Bureaublasters), and they can't fire while the Demolition Beam is charging, or powering down for that matter. Speaking of, if one or more of the Demolishers were destroyed or disabled as it was charging up its Demolition Beam (a well-placed shot or kamikaze attack at the barrel of the Demolition Beam would often cause a chain reaction that would destroy the entire Demolisher), or if the Bureaucrons detect interfering radio waves from or near the surface of the planet, the Bureaucrons would be forced to power down their remaining Demolition Beams in order to prevent a catastrophic chain-reaction from wiping out the remaining Demolishers. (However, since it usually takes the Bureaucrons no less than an hour before they can receive the message, and then send the order to power down the Demolition Beams, due to their inefficiency in communications, the entire fleet is oftentimes wiped out anyways.) The admiral of the Demolisher fleet would then have to request for additional Demolishers to be sent to replace the ones that are out of commission. (Again, due to inefficiency, the requests take no more than a month, sometimes a year or two, to process.) This usually gives the natives more than enough time to either wipe out the entire Demolisher fleet, or destroy enough Demolishers to cause the Bureaucrons to retreat (due to there being insufficient Demolishers to replace the losses incurred). Alternately, if the admiral of the Demolisher fleet deems that the natives need to be dealt with before the planet can be destroyed, the Demolishers can be ordered to land on the surface of the planet. However, as the Demolishers were never built to withstand the stresses or temperatures of atmospheric reentry (or warfare, or even natural disasters for that matter), they must descend slowly towards the planet in order to avoid being torn apart by atmospheric pressures or collapsing from a hard landing. Since the process can take hours to complete (partially because the Demolishers need to land on perfectly flat ground in order to avoid collapsing like a house of cards), the natives would usually be able to take out several Demolishers (if not the entire fleet) before they can even land. Because of this (and because of the Bureaucrons' lackluster combat prowess), over 98% of invasions by Bureaucrons are repelled, even by forces that are armed with little more than bow-and-arrow, spears, or catapults (which have just enough firepower to cause a Demolisher to topple over on even a glancing blow). Many ancient armies have exploited the Bureaucrons' glaring weaknesses in order to repel ground invasions in many ways, such as by attacking them during lunch hour, by charging into their ranks with their shields up, and then killing them from the inside-out (since the Bureaucrons are forbidden from firing their Bureaublasters near other Bureaucrons), or by bombarding them with catapults and hundreds of arrows. In a few cases, the Bureaucrons were repelled not by sentient civilizations, but by the native creatures and diseases, such as stampedes of wild rhinoceros or elephants, or even by the planet's own weather, such as hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, or tsunamis. Notes: The Bureaucrons are based off of the Vogons from the science-fiction comedy "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Here's an example of a Vogon reading poetry (listen with care ):
It's listed as a "Mob" instead of as a "Race", so yes, you would beat them to death with a frying pan. (I'd doubt that they'd work out as a playable race anyways. )
