Other The Steamroom: A Violent and Saucy PG13 Fanfic

Discussion in 'Fan Works' started by Gabaw, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. Gabaw

    Gabaw Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    The story is below in the spoiler tags. Before I begin, this is a specific oneshot setup with a male farmer and female Penny, but mostly just action and humor. It is meant to be comedy directed against no one and just a bit of fun, albeit with some salient descriptions :iswydt: Again, it's going to be ridiculous but shouldn't go beyond PG13 but anyway, you've been warned. It's long so without further achoo...


    Spring. It's been a while since dear old grandpa kicked the bucket. I have taken over his farm in Stardew Valley and worked myself to the bone this past year. I got to know everyone in town fairly well, a few very well. It's hard to imagine that just one year ago I was some scrawny 5'8" dude at a dead end job for the United Socialist States of JojaCorp. Now I'm over 6 feet tall for some reason and also jacked like a human tank.

    A typical day at the farm for me would go something like this: 6:00 AM, rise and shine. I lug my massive frame out of the steel reinforced bed. As I am now over 300 pounds of pure muscle, my home needs to accommodate me accordingly. I open my steel reinforced fridge and grab a fragile glass of milk. Silly me. I pick up the shattered glass and eat it, without any milk obviously because I just spilled it.

    Next, I climb up the steel reinforced steps to my foyer. It's warm and cozy. The mornings are a little cold so I stoke last night's fire a bit and find tinder. After swiping left on literally everyone, I start the fire. It burns small and short, just enough to get comfortable. It gives me some time to think. A year ago, I wouldn't even be out of bed until noon unless it was a work day.

    After a few minutes of stimulating thought, my massive muscles begin to quiver in protest. I laugh and stand up. Time to start the day in earnest. I open the steel reinforced front door. It was already like that because it's a front door, but I had Robin install some additional reinforcements just in case. Before I open it though, I run back to the television. I forgot to check for recipes and fortunes. Now I leave. Not before forgetting the watering can, which I promptly retrieve.

    Spring 1, Year 2. The earth is rich with freshly uncovered soil from the passing frost. Thanks to my persistent persuasion on Pierre's face, I managed to get seeds on the last day of the previous season. I look at my musclecrow. It flexes proudly in a side facing pose. It's almost as good as me. Almost. At least it keeps the crows away. All I have to do is shoo off one or two random females every once in a while, no doubt attracted to its strong jawline. They just eat all the kale if I leave them.

    As I have no need for tools, I till the earth with my fingers and punch seeds into the ground. The work is grueling. For Harvey, maybe. For me, it's just a warmup. That doesn't mean I don't work up a sweat. Shirts don't fit me so my top half is bare 24/7. The hot sun beating down on me sends glistening globules rolling gently down my tanned, muscular back like a pristine stream pathing its way from a tall, glorious mountain. As I till the earth, my biceps tantalizingly tremble, forearms rock hard in a solid grip.

    I wipe the sweat off my brow, and in slow motion, rise to shake my luscious dark locks from side to side. I extend powerfully, fully upright, erecting myself tall amidst the soil. My huge pectorals strain against the skin as sweat drips down onto my well defined abs, trickling its way through the deep notches. I turn my face to the camera, sporting a rugged stubble and a pearly white smile that melts your heart. You can't seem to look away from my endlessly deep light blue irises that suddenly begin to open wide.

    I realize now that I am on an anthill. As the fire ants begin to bite at my toes, I yell and fall backwards on the dirt, rolling around like a maniac and screaming in a way that would make Jas sound manly. I jump into the pond like a little girl. I take the opportunity to strip down to my swimming trunks and do laps, each stroke of my powerful arms revealing the wet musculature moving underneath the skin, contracting and relaxing irresistibly. Refreshed, I leap out majestically.

    The only thing left is growing the crops. I take my watering can and crush it into a steel ball. I throw it among the crops and stare them down. This is what will happen to them if they don't grow. After a few hours of threatening plants, I retire to bed early. By early I mean only pumping iron for 3 hours instead of 4. This figure doesn't maintain itself. I jump in bed and the whole thing falls through the earth despite being on the ground floor. Get on my level, planet. I'll get Robin to steel reinforce it later.


    6:00 AM the next morning. I perform my usual morning routine after climbing out of the crater that was my sleeping hole for the night. I exit through the front door as usual, giving the crops a hard glance. They know their place by now. Today, I felt like going into town and mingling with the locals. They don't all suck. I hop on my trusty velociraptor, Tyrannosaurus Flex, and ride like a jurassic badass.

    On the way I pass by Hot Pam who's probably gonna stand in front of the bus for 12 hours again. She's still hot though. We meet eyes and she winks seductively. I don't know why she keeps doing that with her eye so I just give her the pearly whites and keep on riding. I hear her swoon in the distance. As I make it into town, the notice board catches my eye.

    Help Wanted: Rip Trees Out of Ground With Bare Hands
    Help: Punch Skeletons into Dust w/ Fists
    Help Needed: Male Stripper for Alex's bachelor party (def. a joke, yeah, totally must b. hot tho)


    I don't even know why I bother checking. There's never anything here that I could do, I say as I flex, causing trees to uproot themselves by sheer force of will. Finally, I see something. At last, a job for me! I take the poster and go see Marnie immediately.

    "Hello! Welcome to Marnie's Animal & Barnyard Supply Shop. How can I-" Marnie stops abruptly, gazing at the frame of Adonis himself. "H-how c-c-can I... c-can I... touch you?"

    I gently lay myself across the front desk, propped sideways on my elbow. "I hear you're in need of some... specific help." I stroke her cheek with the wanted ad. She swoons, nearly collapsing to the floor. I catch her, carrying her like a princess, effortlessly lifting her plump body as if she were light as a feather. She wasn't though. Marnie, what you doin'? Appreciate yourself, girl. I did like them a bit on the larger side so it didn't bother me. In fact, I thought she was perfect as is.

    I lay her down on her bed. She came to, now more confused than aroused. She mentioned the ad. "Mr. Farmer, you do realize this is an ad for someone to try on some clothes I made for Jas, don't you?"

    I stare into her longing eyes. She swoons again. Permanently. I curse my handsome visage. It was the perfect job and I blew the interview. There was no one to blame but me and my muscles. I kiss my biceps, a single tear rolling down my cheek. I resign myself to visiting the unfinished community center. On my way out, I see Shane coming in from his job at JojaMart. Reminded of my old prison, I am overcome with furious rage and horribly maim I accidentally trample him with my raptor. He accidentally lives.

    I reach the community center. I've made some decent progress, there's just one or two bundles left to complete. I'm not entirely sure where I'm supposed to get 25 adult servings of rocks shaped like chicken nuggets but I figure if I just punch and yell enough it'll eventually work. Like it did with the other bundles. I step outside again, a few colorful splotches crunching beneath my feet. I swear I could hear tiny, faint screams but I just chalk it up to my psychopathic brain making things up again.

    Suddenly, I fall to my knees. This power, where is it coming from?! I force my head upward and catch a glimpse of golden locks. Haley. I can feel the stupid from here. She spots me and opens her big dumb mouth. "Like, oh my god, you totally have like a super hot bod and a hot face but ummm you're not perfect so talk to the hand k?". I accidentally trample her with I am overcome with furious rage and horribly maim her with my raptor. She lives, but barely.

    All in all, it was a productive day in the Valley. I raise my fist up and fake a lunge at the crops just to remind them who's boss. Robin comes out of my farmhouse, informing me that the reinforcements are complete. I smile at her warmly. She swoons into space. Maru sees her fly across the sky with her telescope. Don't worry, she comes down safe and sound moments later in her home.


    Today I feel like forcing the ocean to give up its veritable bounty of seafood and treasure. I will fight it. I will fight the ocean. Eager to get started, I ride my velociraptor to the beach. Mayor Lewis is just leaving his home. The old man does hard work and I respect him for that. Instead of trying to murder him with an extinct reptile, I merely give him the death stare as I trot slowly past. He knows who runs this town and it ain't him. So does the Governor after last year's luau. Fun fact, it is indeed possible to drown in soup.

    I park my raptor outside Elliott's cabin. This isn't out of malice, that just happens to be its favorite spot. If beach fabio comes out and gets mauled to death, it's just a bonus. I look at the ocean menacingly. Last time, a crab bit my baby toe and I cried, bouncing pathetically into the water and making Vincent look like the Hulk. I redeemed myself by coming out like that one picture of Daniel Craig at the beach. I liked his performance in Casino Royale, I thought, despite being lukewarm to the movie as a whole.

    This time was different. I sat cross-legged on the sand, meditating. A calm washed over me as the waves did too. My head was filled with thoughts of the incredible asswhooping I was about to deliver upon these salty depths. Invigorated, I dive in, swimming out as far as I can. Then, something pulls me beneath the waves. The surface is tepid but a battle rages beneath. Soon, a massive shark leaps straight out of the water! I have it grasped by the midsection, wrestling the enormous beast, all of my muscles straining in anger. I deliver my warcry and crush its spine in a devastating bearhug. It's dead before it hits the water again.

    I drag it to the shore. A lone frozen tear sheds from its lifeless eye. Curious, I ponder. I tie the shark to the raptor and send it home. I would later hear that Haley got smacked unconscious by the shark corpse as my raptor raced by. This would fill me with great joy. For now, I bring the frozen tear to Gunther. He mentions something about having 73 of these already and that he doesn't eat them, he studies them. As usual, I shove it down his throat anyway.

    I never paid attention to him. The truth is I only needed an excuse to come here because she was usually here too. She is a sweet thing, an angel descended from the heavens themselves. Her burnt auburn hair was rolled up in twin buns, her fair skin free from any blemishes. She would come here and teach the children, give them a future beyond the small confines of the valley. The only thing as warm as her personality was her smile. She gave me one today, like always. I swooned out the door and all the way home.

    The crops must have noticed my aloofness and didn't tremble in fear. I made sure to shoot a stern glance back over my shoulder as I entered, warning them about serious repercussions if they didn't come out gold quality. I entered the foyer and absentmindedly bench pressed the mounted bear. I sighed and looked at a picture of grandpa for guidance. He posed next to his 40th Mr. Olympia gold medal in a row. To think he would die from flexing too hard. I felt better, but that girl, Penny was it? She was the only one, the only problem that I couldn't solve with world class muscles.

    Or could I? I had an epiphany during the night. I knew what had to be done.


    Chirping songbirds wake Penny from her slumber. She doesn't remember them ever bothering her before. She calls for Hot Pam but doesn't find her. Must be passed out in the saloon again, she assumes. Preparing pancakes for herself, she eats quietly while reading her favorite book, How to Not Swoon at Hunks and Instead Make Them Swoon at You. It was likely a fruitless effort but she read it diligently every day.

    After eating and showering with the auxiliary tank, she prepped her hair and talked herself up in the mirror. "Okay girl, another miserable day. Smile, always smile. That's what grandma said, rest her soul." She sighed and stepped out the door.

    I was waiting in cowboy boots, chaps, and a straw hat. The sun hit my body at the perfect angle, bouncing off my musculature and deepening the strong shadows cast across my abs. My teeth shone a perfect white and clenched within them was a green rose.

    Penny blinked. She wasn't expecting me outside her home but she soon realized that it wasn't her home anymore. She looked out at my farm, trees and crops as far as the eye could see. She saw Hot Pam in the fields absolutely devouring the parsnips. Understandably, she was totally confused. "Uh... What? What the actual flying duck is going on?"

    I informed her that I dragged her trailer from town onto my farm. Haley happened to be crushed along the way, lying flattened in the wake of the travel path. I didn't tell her that part though. I just enjoyed it quietly. Of course, the main focus was the beautiful peach in front of me. "Penny, my love. You have such wonderful buns and your hair is lovely too. I know that this is may be too much to take in at once but," I removed the rose from my mouth and it bloomed, revealing an emerald ring inside. "Since you're here anyway, wanna get married?"

    "Okay." Penny agreed, shrugging. She did like emeralds, rings, marriage, hunks, and farms, after all. Her mother obviously had no problems with it and could continue living in the trailer. She was closer to the bus stop anyway. We held the ceremony the day after. Everyone was there having a good time. Marnie was freaking out and doing jumping jacks or something but other than that it was a fairly uneventful event.

    The years spent with Penny were the best of my life. We would dance together at the Flower Festival, watch the Moonlight Jellies together. We had kids, two of them. Biceps and Curls, a boy and a girl. We raised them well. Biceps went on to win many Mr. Olympia gold medals, though he had a ways to go to match his great-grandpa. Curls took after Penny and learned everything she could. Whoever wants her hand in marriage has a difficult road ahead, but she sure is worth it.

    As for Penny and I, well, I can look back and see that ours was a love truly unique and special. It still feels like yesterday that I tried to flex my way into her heart but she stepped into mine instead. After I pulled her house to my farm, anyway. I wouldn't trade it for the world and she wouldn't either. Now that we're in our golden years, I can finally say that we really did swoon happily ever after.

    [​IMG]

    P.S. Haley died :rip:
     
      Last edited: Jun 6, 2016
    • mrobake

      mrobake Zero Gravity Genie

      Just wandering, is this how your character look? :D :D :D
      [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

      Anyway, just reading the first few lines of the first chapter and I am already laughing loud for real. I am so gonna enjoy this.

      Edit: finished reading. Final rating: HUGE MACHO MUSCLE MANLY QUEST/10 - Imagine a story about ludicrous exploration of true man's dream of becaming the HUGEST. The MANLIEST. The MUSCLELIEST. The PRIMEST MEN AMONG MEN. This is the reading of such stories. May God forgive us all.

      Aka, I love it.
       
        Last edited: Apr 28, 2016
        Gabaw and zcsnightmare like this.
      • zcsnightmare

        zcsnightmare Scruffy Nerf-Herder

        Bwhahaha! Tyrannosaurus Flex oh god, the whole thing was great!

        [​IMG]
         
          mrobake and Gabaw like this.
        • Satashi26

          Satashi26 Phantasmal Quasar

        • EvilPoptart81

          EvilPoptart81 Scruffy Nerf-Herder

          What in the nine hells did I just read? That was awesome that's what it was. The sheer manliness of it all! The most metal thing I've read in months!
          h6RLZ0A.gif
           
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          • deukahng

            deukahng Big Damn Hero

            This is fantastic. The puns are A+. I wish I had this kind of creativity in my playthroughs (the most I've done is name my farm Dinotopia and fill all my coops with Stegosauri).
             
              Gabaw likes this.
            • CjBeats

              CjBeats Pangalactic Porcupine

              Gabaw.. oh Gabaw bless you. This was amazing. 10/10. Beautiful. I loved it the whole way through
               
                Gabaw likes this.
              • MagicallyClueless

                MagicallyClueless Black Hole Surfer

                how did i not press the like button before

                i have repented this sin
                 
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                • Minimanta

                  Minimanta Spaceman Spiff

                  Ahaha, that was amazingly amusing xD
                  Giggled the entire way through the story.
                   
                    Gabaw likes this.
                  • Gabaw

                    Gabaw Scruffy Nerf-Herder

                    Where the heck did you all come from :rofl: Thanks for all the kind words and taking the time to read this small origin story. Y'all are great!
                     
                      MagicallyClueless and CjBeats like this.
                    • Risukage

                      Risukage Giant Laser Beams

                      Undistilled absurdist brilliance. *Standing ovation!*
                       
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                      • ShneekeyTheLost

                        ShneekeyTheLost Black Hole Surfer

                        Has your technique been passed down in the Armstrong family for sixteen generations? Because nothing less can be this awesome!
                         
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