Hi this is just a quick story I threw together sorry its short if you want more please reply. I know its rushed i may re write this part later following parts will be in more detail and longer. Prologue You run so fast. The bombs rain down. A massive explosion throws you forward searing you back. You cant move. Your father drags you along to the hanger. Suddenly a strange masked figure dressed in purple beams down in front of you. He aims. Your father dives in front of you. Your father implodes. You run crying the whole way. The figure is shot down by a Cannon 531 but slowly picks itself up. You know you need to run. You crash through the doors of the hanger the elite soldiers seal the doors and take up firing positions. You leap into the HoverCopter54. It starts to leave. The doors of the hanger buckle and collapse many elite are killed instantly. You fly through the chamber and into the atmosphere. You turn to look at your dying home a huge pulse comes from a large orbiting MotherShip Your planet burns instantly...
Nice short story and with that I'm going to play Star Wars X-Wing Alliance. Edit- I didn't mean short story as in a short-story I meant it as that was a nice short...story
Thank you its not a short story though i hope if people like it i will make up more into a full lengt story.
Part 1 The fire engulfs your HoverCopter and alarms ring you cant stand it the noise, the pain, the death. The piolet turns round and shouts over the noise "Ok we will make it out of this!" but then the cockpit erupts into flame. You see his charred bones collapse in a heap. You are alone in a burning HoverCopter. You scream but there is no one to hear your pity full whining. The HoverCopter banks down towards the flaming planet. You leap to the back of the HoverCopter and contort yourself into a small pod. You smash the large red button and you are catapulted away from the ship. You have no idea where you are. You are lost in the depths of space. The pods are not designed for comfort and do not have tracking systems or guidance. They keep you in stasis until you hit a planet. But this pod is damaged there is no stasis. You weep as you remember your father. How he saved your life. How his blood is still covering you now. You blackout. (One Week Later) There is nothing to see out of the small window. You are hungry but not. The nutrients flow into your body but you cannot eat anything. (One Month Later) You want to die. You want to see your father and beg his forgiveness. But you cant. The Pod lurches. You are pulled towards a gargantuan space station. You are going to live. You are safe...
Ok new update sorta thing here. I am wanting to change the tense/style as i cant put in as much detail in now but you can decide what type. 1 Normal 3rd person 2 1st person but past tense 3 1st person diary Just reply a number to vote
If you want the old way i will write in that style but some detail may be lost. Sorry its another short one hopefully next part will be longer and more in-depth. Part 2 Joe scrambled out of the pod. His bone ached and he collapsed in a heap. He woke on a memory putty bed moulded into the depths of all his pains. It targeted them and soothed them with gentle heat. He relaxed and thought about how safe and free he was. But then he remembered his planet. He tensed up again and the bed started working overtime. Joe suddenly felt a jab in his neck and he blacked out. He woke again to the face of an angel. Her hair curled around her shoulders cascading down her face like a red waterfall. "He sleepy how ya' feeling" She asked in a perfect pitch. "whrrt ma i" Joe slurred "don't worry that's just the anaesthetic you'll be right as plutonium in no time" "Thanks" Joe said pulling himself out of bed he was wearing a comfy energiser suit that fitted perfectly and made him fell great. "Come on ill give you a tour of the SS3" she said "Oh my names Lizzy" "Hi .. Lizzy er what's the SS3" "Space Stroller Three" "What happened to 1 and 2" "Anyway no more chit chat lets go" She said somewhat sadly...
There are a few grammar mistakes, and it seems quite short. I think it would be better if you made it longer, and the plot flow better. For example: The bits in bold are the bits that are a bit off, in my opinion. If you just saw your father implode in front of you, you would want to explain the grief more in depth, so it seems like a true loss. Also, you might want to change the previous parts to 3rd person, so the story sounds better. Sorry if tyhis sounds really bitter and cynical, as I'm trying not to do that. I am just trying to give you helpful comments, so you can make an even better story!
Yeah the whole poitn of the first bit was to be fast paced and intriguing. The deatial will come around the space station and planet. I really like postive feedback(obviously) but helpfl comments are aprreciated and i think i am trying to make the next part longer.
