The Midnight Train - Hayden K. Smith

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Jimmy Cool, Jan 11, 2017.


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  1. Jimmy Cool

    Jimmy Cool Title Not Found

    Hello, and welcome all, to the showing of my work, The Midnight Train.
    This story has elements of Thriller and Horror. Most definitely not for the faint of heart.
    Warning! This story goes into detail about death and violence. There is a bit of gore!
    Sorry about that, had to say that or I may or may not have gotten hate.
    Now without further ado, The Midnight Train.

    The Midnight Train

    Written By: Hayden “Erezar” Smith

    Scene 1: The Train

    Darkness. That is all I can see. I awoke on the ground, which is freezing. "Hello?" My voice echoes as it travels throughout the darkness. Nothing but the deafening silence. I feel sick, like I am going to throw up. I wander through the darkness for what seemed like an eternity. Then, out of nowhere, a noise catches my ear. It sounded like steam pumping from a pipe. A small light catches my eye. There it is again, but louder. It sounds like a steam engine. The light is moving really fast toward me. The noise is now ear piercing. The front of a large steam powered train stops right in front of me.
    "All aboard!" The Instructor yells. His voice echoes as mine did earlier. "Hello young lady, will you be joining us tonight?" He spoke quietly.
    "Sorry, I don't quite have a ticket." I respond. His face twisted into the creepiest smile. He then begins to laugh maniacally.
    "I'm sorry, but you don't need a ticket to board the Midnight Train! Come on aboard." He yells. He grabs my arm and yanks me in.
    "Ow! Why would you do that?" I exclaim.
    "Well, you wouldn't have survived out there now would ya." He tips his hat at me with a smirk. I look out the window. Still utter darkness. Though I was inside the train, a feeling of dread passed over me. Something bad is going to happen. "Whoops, hehe, well we are going to have to take you to one of the back carts due to the more closer trains are sorta full. But do not fret over it because to be honest, I like the back carts." He looks at me with eyes of pity, like he knows something bad is going to happen. "Alright let’s go!" He begins to walk.
    We make it to cart 7. The cart I’m staying in. It's a typical train layout, the windows are modern, and the tables are made of a silvery metal, Perhaps aluminum? There are roughly 9 people in the cart. A small child walks up to me. "Hey, excuse me miss, do you have a nickel?" He asks.
    "What for?" I ask him back.
    "So I can gouge your eyes out."
    "What!" I yelped.
    "So I can use the Wi-Fi."
    "Oh, Here." I give him the nickel.
    "Thanks, weirdo." He responds. Before he turns around, I catch him smiling. Not an ordinary smile, an evil smile full of evilly evil.
    Something is really odd about this train. First of all, that kid, why would he say something like that? Then there is the train and the people themselves. The train came out of nowhere, half the people are dressed like they are from the 1860's, and the others are dressed in modern clothing. Just then, a blinding light shines through the window and the train comes to a screeching halt.
    The outside is now lit. It looks like a never ending sea of smoothed marble. The only thing keeping it from going on forever was a bright white fog surrounding the entire train. The silhouette of a large man standing on the brink of the Fog.
    "Excuse me, Mr. Instructor sir." The woman behind me says in an olde timey accent. "There is a man outside. Over there."
    "No need to worry ma'am, we are perfectly fine."
    The light outside is getting brighter, and warmer, by the second. After a few moments pass, the light is getting searing hot.
    "Quick, close your windows and block them!" Everyone closed the windows along with the shudders. The train suddenly jerks sideways as if it were hit by cannon. Screaming can be heard from the next cart over.
    "What the hell is going on?" A female my age said. She was with two others, both male. I could swear I knew them.
    "I can assure you, we will be fine." He says in a nice, calm, monotonous voice. There was no emotion in what he said.
    "Hey dumbass, did you not hear those screams? Are you going to sit there and tell me that we will be A OK?" She yelled.
    "Ma'am, please calm down."
    "Calm down? Calm down! You expect me to 'calm down'! After all tha..." She was interrupted by the lights going out.
    Just as the lights went out, someone screamed. It was the most blood curdling scream I had ever heard. The Instructor was frantically saying “What happened!” and “Who is screaming?” The lights flickered on, and I saw one of the most gruesome, horrific events I had ever seen. The girl who was screaming at the Instructor is flipped inside-out. Her innards are covering most of the walls. Her two friends, Both soaked, are on their knees, one sobbing and the other screaming. Her intestines are sprawled out on the floor, making the number 5. The girls head is missing. It must have been crudely torn off because it looks like someone took a rusty knife and slowly cut it off.
    Several people ran to the door, rightfully so, yet it wouldn't open. The small child from earlier was looking at me and smiling that same evil smile. The people are now banging on the door trying to get it open.
    "Are you going to tell us what is going on or are we going to have to resort to forcing the truth out of you?" The boy’s mother yelled.
    "Please ma'am, I am sure the higher-ups are taking care of this right as we speak." The Instructor said as calm as ever.
    "What is wrong with you?" She screamed. He looks up and tilts his head confused. "Ma'am please, lower your voice." He said quietly.
    "Lower my voice! I will not do anything you say until I GET ANSWERS!" She continues screaming. "This no-good attitude is the reason that girl died! Now, I'll ask AGAIN. What is going ON?!" He is silent. "What the hell. Don't do this silent treatment bull on me, what are you five? Answer the god-damned quest..." She was interrupted by ticking at the window nearest to her. "Now what?" She says. Tap tap tap. The tapping was constant, No sign of it stopping. "Well are you going to answer me? Huh?" She continues on. He stays silent but backs away. "What now, trying to get away eh? I don't thinks so." She gets up all in his face. "No listen here, fuckhead. I have a child here, if so much of a hair on his head is touched. Your ass will be non-existent when I’m done with it. Now answer me. What THEE fuck is going on this goddamn train!"
    The window with the tapping explodes.

    Scene 2: The Move

    The light is as blinding as before. Almost everything the light touched was vaporized. The lady, vaporized. The carpet, vaporized. Luckily, only one person was caught in the rays. The only remnants of the lady is the shadow left behind when something is vaporized. Similar to the effects from an atom bomb. Two people took a table and set it up against the broken window. "Guys, I found what broke the window." One of the teenagers said.
    "It's a rock" The other one points out.
    "No, look closer." I said with a grim tone. It was the head of the girl, Burnt' to a crisp, with the number 4 carved into it.
    The others were mortified. “Oh.. My god.” One of them says.
    “Alright, two people died so far. I think it's time to talk.” I tell the instructor in a stern voice attempting to hide my fear. He sighs and pauses.
    “The baron of this train is meeting with someone, his name is 'The Taker'. Yea, I know, scary name but we need to talk to him to continue. You see, he owns this strip of land, full control over it. If it is light or dark, rain or shine. Total control. Normally we would just talk to him and go, but now, I have no clue what is happening.” He begins to sob. “He told me to not speak of anything until it all blew over. I lost all contact with the front of the train.” He chokes out.
    “Hey hey… hey. Calm down. Please tell me more. Who is the Baron?” I ask.
    “The Baron is the owner of this train. He calls himself that because his ego is huge. No one really knows his real name. The Taker, as I said before, owns this strip of land and everything in it. That includes the path the train follows. I've only seen him once so pardon the lack of details. From what I gathered, He looks like a beast from the nth Dimension. The Baron calls him G.”
    That name sends chills down my spine as those words echo in my head. “D..did you just say, G?” I say.
    “Why yes. I did. Do you know him?” The Instructor asks. “Yea, I do.” I say clenching my teeth and my hands tightly.
    “Please calm down. First of all, we need to get you all to a safe-r place. If only that door was open we would be able to move on.” We sit there for several moments. Some of the others are trying to get the door open but it won't budge.
    'How can we get this door open?' I thought to myself. 'Maybe if we find a crowbar like object, we could give it a little bit of leverage and crawl under. Just then the door clangs and clacks as if there were small bits moving around in there. The door slides up into the open position. We enter into the next cart.

    “Where is everyone?” Someone behind us asked.
    “No clue, maybe the went on ahead when they heard the screams?” The Instructor says.
    “Hey… Does anyone else feel like we are being watched?” One of the teenagers nervously says. Everyone shrugs and shakes their heads no. I, on the other hand, do have the feeling of being watched. It's is very weird how there is no one on the train. Even if they all went to the next train, They would leave a note or someone may have been left behind. I sit down and tilt my head back with my eyes closed. A drop lands on my shoulder. Leaky pipes? Another on my leg. I look down at the landing site and I see a small red bead running down my leg. I look up and see the roof, which is covered with insides. The worst part about it is the eyes. Hundreds of eyes staring down at me. Only me. I look at the rest of the crowd. No one seemed to notice yet. I think we should leave before something bad happens.
    “Yea, I'm getting the Heebie Jeebies, Let's go so we can go meet this Baron character.” I say quickly and stuttering attempting to hide my fear. We move onto the next cart.
    “Uhh… Hello?” I say to the group of people we meet on the next cart. “Are we going to be able to pass this cart?” The cart is full of people. All terrified, rightfully so.
    “W..which ca..cart are you all from?” a smallish man in the front of the group speaks.
    “Cart 7. Why?” The Instructor asks.
    “Then you must seen… It… the thing on cart 6? Right?” The man said again.
    “What thing? There wasn't anything on cart 6. Listen, is there anyway we can pass through here? We need to go speak with the Baron.” The Instructor demands. A large, well built man walks out through the door at the other side of the train. He was covered in marks of what looked like cuts. His arm, or what’s left of it, looked like it was recently Cauterized. Yet his eyes are full of life.
    “No dice dude. Cart four has caved in and the light is scorching everything it touches out there.” The Man said with disappointment.
    “Then how will we get there?” One of the teens ask. Then it hits me, when we boarded up the windows not too long ago with the tables, they didn't burn or destroy.
    “Guys I have an idea! Is the light coming from any particular direction?” I ask.
    “I dunno.” The man said.
    I push the table into the light. The tabletop is lit up. Let me say if the train were facing north, then the light would be coming from the west. The top of the table begins to burn. “I guess I'll go first.” I say with much hesitation. I crouch down and grasp the wooden pole of the table. I begin to push the table forward. It is boiling, Somehow the lights' heat got even stronger. The task of pushing the table through the rubble of cart 4 was a grueling one. The table begins to bubble on the other side. Several holes form in the table, burning parts of my hair. I jump into the shadowed area just as the table vaporized, along with my leg.
    “Gaah!” I screamed. Everything up to the knee was gone, and the wound cauterized. The Blonde hair teenager has just arrived. He looks like he is roughly the age of 16, as am I. I was still screaming. “Whoa… What happened?” He asks. “What the HELL does is look like.” I yell.
    The teen was on the smaller end of the muscle tone spectrum, short as well. He, honestly, seems a bit calm for someone who's covered in their friend’s blood. “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me up?” I yell at him with a sarcastic tone. The pain subsides as I am lifted to my feet, or my foot.
    “Here, take this. It should help you walk.” He says as he hands me a piece of discarded wood.
    “Thanks, can you find me another one?” I ask. He finds another one, it was slightly larger so I used the vaporizing light to adjust it. The remainder of people arrive. At least two people died guessing by the short screams to silence. We begin to move as the large, mono-armed man reaches the cart.
    The next door we reach is a tall, gilded door. It was the cabin of “Doctor Elisia” or so the sign over the door said. The door is a wooden door yet it was more modern than the rest of the train. We open the door. It creaks like no other. The entire time it took to open the door, it creaked with the sound of a fork on a chalkboard. As the door opens in our direction, we noticed something odd with the interior of the door. It is covered in claw marks made by a human. The room was jet black as well. “Yea, let's just walk right into the danger room.” The Man says sarcastically.
    “Then what do you suppose we do?” The blonde teenager says. I crutch my way to the front of the crowd and turn on the light revealing a laboratory type room.
    “I don't think this man is a doctor of medicine.” I say with a hint of dread.
    “M..Maybe the people in this cart escaped to cart 4 only to die?” The other teenage says.
    “Yea, Maybe.” I say as I walk toward the center of the room.
    “What kind of doctor is this guy?” The man says. Only now I actually look at the rooms content.
    The room was pure white, except for the cabinets and beakers of strange colored liquids. “Maybe he is a Chemist.” The Other teen says. A cabinet in the far corner of the room bursts wide open then closes immediately. I shuffle my way to the cabinet and open it. As I saw it, the image was burned into my mind. I saw the half dissolved body of somebody or something. It looks like a somebody but there are parts that I don't recognize from Biology. It was covered in this thick slime, similar to saliva. The goo oozed off of the cabinet onto the floor and at the same time more of that same goo started out of the other cabinet as well.
    “What is this stuff?” The man says as he reaches to touch it.
    “Don't touch it!” I yell. He takes his hand back and backs away from it immediately as he asks
    “Just… Just trust me on this one.” I say looking back, getting quieter as I near the end of the sentence.
    “O..Kay? He says. Just then something catches my eye. The goo begins to move. I quickly crutch my way to the door as some of the others follow.
    “Hey! Come on, we need to get out of here!” I yell at the other teen who is just staring at the Goo. The Instructor grabs him by the wrist and begins to run toward the door. This door is different. It does not open in the traditional way but more like it slides from side to side, like a closet door. The Instructor enters first before the door drops cutting the teens arm off.
    “Ahhg!” He says falling backward. He is still inside the room.
    He is laying on the floor in shock of his now non-existent arm. “Help me pry the door open!” I say. We all attempt to pull the door up but alas it doesn't work, It didn't even budge. The door looks like it has been painted on now, just a wall with a door painted on. The Instructor, still holding the severed arm with wide eyes, sits down and says
    “Oh goodness, it's my fault.”
    “Oh shut the hell up and stop being a baby!” The man says. “It is not your fault, and if you think it is then you are stupid. How is it your fault? Did you make the door fall? Did you make that ooze? I didn't think so! Now man up and Shut up!” He continues. I look inside and see the teenager had crawled to the center of the room and is looking back at me. I mouth the words I'm sorry to him. He just glares at me with hate in his eyes. In an instant he is engulfed and the lights went out. We back away from the door.
    “He..e. is gone.” The blonde teenager says as his legs buckle inward and begins to sob. “Why.. Why Damnit! WHY” He yells in a mix of rage, horror, and dread. “Why did we get pulled onto the train?” He continues as he gets up and charges the Instructor. “Why! You seem to know why now tell us! Now! Why are we here? Who are you?” He yells at the Instructor with more rage than sadness. He collapses on his knees again. “Why… why..” He says more quietly before he stops. We sit in silence for what seems like an eternity. I turn around to face the door once more, but the door is gone and replace with a giant carving of the number 3.

    Rage fills my mind as I stare at the number. What does it mean? Is he counting how many till I am going to die? I begin to pull at my hair as I think of what they mean. “Hey, are you alright?” The man says as he puts one hand on my shoulder.
    “Gha! What do they mean!” I say quietly.
    “What does what mean?” the man asks back.
    “The numbers. Those damned numbers!” I say pointing at the door. The others are now looking at me.
    “What numbers?” The Instructor asks.
    “The numbers that appear on or near the deceased.” I raise my voice.
    “There are no numbers. We have no idea what you are talking about.” The man returns to the conversation.
    “There is a giant number Three right there where the door was.” I say pointing at the number once more.
    “Hey, there is no three on the door. {At the others} I think she may be in shock.” He says. My heart sank. I look at the others and the shake their heads no.
    We continue on and reach the next door. “You know, there is a ton of space between carts. Why is that?” The remaining teen asks.
    “The Baron said something about storage space when I asked him about it.” The Instructor says. I look down and see the plaque that has fallen of the door. I pick it up.
    “Loading Cart.” I read aloud. The door opens on its own and the room is jet black.
    “Well, Someone is going to die.” The teen says.
    “Wow. Cynical” The mans says. I stumble my way into the cart.
    “It seems safe.” I say as I look back. The door slams shut and light fills the room.
    “Oh… well this sucks.” A loud click is heard and the big wall begins to open from the top of the cart down. “Crap! I need to get out of here!” I go to the other door and try to get it open, but it is also painted on. I sit right in front of the painted door. There are burn marks all across the room. The outside light begins to breach, crawling across the floor with a loud sizzling noise as it destroys the remainder of the paint. What am I even doing here? What is this world? Am I really going to die? The light is 3 feet from the door. No, I will not die!
    I stand up and inspect the door. The window is real and is just big enough for me to fit. I bash it inward with the one of the beams I am using and I crawl through, losing both of the crutches. I barely make it through before the light reaches my feet. The light begins to crawl up the wall. The “door” is now being incinerated. Light shines through the window destroying the wooden wall that was there. Another loud click signaled that the door was fully open. The door is barely holding but is deteriorating fast. Finally the light pierces the door in several spots before the door is completely annihilated. I pass out.

    Scene 3: Voices

    “Hey...” I hear as I am blinking in and out of consciousness. “Look, she is waking up.” Someone says.
    “Hey!” The teenager yells.
    “Hu.. Wha? What happened? How long was I out?” I ask.
    “Don't know, We thought you died until we walked in here. My guess twenty minutes?” The Instructor says. The teen helps me to my foot. The child from earlier is standing opposite of the cart. No one else is looking at him, so I assume no one else can see him. We begin to walk.
    'I wonder what happened to him?' I wonder. I turn to look at him. He is now a silhouette with one eye. The eye is jet black, staring intently at me. He dissolves into the floor. We reach the next cart.
    The door creaks open as it swings inward. “Wow, they need to oil their doors.” The man says sarcastically. The room is old fashioned. The tables are made of a type of wood similar to dark oak. The carpet is nice and frizzy, it is red with yellow lines running down the edge with an unfamiliar pattern. The windows are tinted letting some of the light through without destroying everything in here. There is nothing else in the room.
    “Well, this is making me feel uneasy.” The teen says.
    “Okay princess.” I retort.
    “Sh.. Should we just go?” teen stutters.
    “Yea, probably.” The man responds. We begin to move into the room. The teen stays back near the entrance.
    “What's wrong?” I ask.
    “It just doesn't feel right in there.” He says. With a sigh I say.
    “Let’s go.” We make it halfway before I get a very familiar feeling. “Let's hurry.” I say with an impatient tone.
    “What is the problem now. I swear, you kids are the whiniest bunch ever.” The cart begins to sway slightly.
    “What the…?” I say only to be interrupted by the cart jerking violently.
    “Nope.” The teen says as he drops me on the floor. The man catches me mid-air.
    “Gah. Dude, what the hell!” I say with a sharp tone.
    “I ain't gonna die this time. Y’all can do this without me.” The teen says whilst leaving. As he leaves the cart begins to vibrate violently. A sudden, deep melancholy fell over me. I begin to hear a faint yet prominent voice.
    You will never make it. You will fail. Weak.
    It begins to increase in volume as the cart begins to shake more. One of the windows right next to me begins to open. As soon as I fall to the floor it bolts open, vaporizing the table opposite to it.
    Kill yourssself. You're worthlesss. Give up.
    I no longer hear the others voices, only the strange voice telling me to kill myself.
    You are alone. Everyone left. Die.
    I look at the light shining where the table used to be. 'Maybe I should… I only have one leg and I will only be a nuisance to the others.' I think to myself.
    Yes. Do it. Just do it. Kill yourssself!
    The voices feel like they're swirling around me. The temptation is getting more and more irresistible.
    “No...” I say quietly. The Instructor looks back at me, realizing that I cannot move.
    What. The voice sounded as if it were right in front of me.
    “I said No!” I yell. I look up to see the beast that was speaking. It looked like a mantis crossed with a human and covered with a deep shadow, Absolutely hideous.
    Well aren’t you a little mouthy bitch. Maybe I ssshould kill you myssself. I begin to scoot backward toward the exit. I slip and the weird monster attacks.
    “Gah! Why me? What do you want?” I say with a stammer.
    Stupid Question. Why you? Because you can see me. As for what I want… I guess I'll find out. I need to find a way out of this situation. The other two are staring at me with confusions and astonishment. It's obvious they can hear the voice, but the cannot see the beast.
    More windows begin to open and trap me with the monster. “Damn...” I say aloud.
    Damn isss right, you little fuck.
    “Why do you sound like a snake?”
    Oh my god, you don't just assk why sssomeone soundsss like a sssnake!
    “Okay okay. Touchy subject” I say. I continue backing up until I feel the hair on the back of my head begin singe.
    Heheeh now you are trapped. Any last wordsss?
    “Yea, fuck you!” I say as I kick him into another light beam, but he merely goes through, Unharmed.
    You really thought that would work? How silly. Funny.
    While he's attempting to get on his feet, I try to find a way out of the trap. There is a small opening, surely a gamble. I begin to crawl through the opening. As I stand up my ankle was yanked and pulled dangerously close to the light. The other two hold onto my arms attempting to keep me from the light. I look back to see a humanoid figure Death gripping my ankle. It looks like the little boy from before.
    “What the hell?” The Man yells. The noise draws back the teen.
    “I have an idea!” I say. “Loosen your grip.”
    “What?!” The Instructor says.
    “Do it!” I yell at him, Which he does.
    “I am going to regret this.” I say. I use the light to vaporize up to the Ankle. “Go.. Now!” I say in pain as they drag me to the exit closing the door behind us.
    Silence fills the room. Now it's just the three of us. We didn't see the teenager follow us so we assume he is dead. We are now at the final hallway. The door is at the other end. An ominous laughter resonates throughout the hall.
    “Uh Oh.” The Instructor says. “Someone might be using the security system against us.”
    “It can't be that bad… Right?” The man says. The Instructor looks at him with eyes of seriousness.
    “Do I look like I am over-exaggerating?” We walk slowly through the hall. Click. “Run!”
    With the man carrying me through the hall, we are a bit slow. The Instructor makes it through the door. The door slams shut.
    “Damn it!” The man yells. He sets me down against the wall. We sit there in silence for a moment. “How are the legs?” He asks.
    “Surprisingly they don't hurt at all.” I say.
    “Really? Strange, I mean, it wasn't even that long ago.” He replies.
    “I know, but whatever, I'll take it. I usually steer clear of pain what-so-ever.” I say.
    “Ow! What the…?” He says whilst turning around to see a small razor sticking out of the wall. He slides away from the wall and quickly stands up. He picks me up and puts me on his shoulder.
    “That cannot be good.” I say. Walls begin to shift and hundreds of little blades extrude out. The wall that was once the door we came from is now a wall of moving blades, slowly making their way toward us. “Come on! Get this door open!” I yell. The floor right behind us opens to reveal a grinder type device. The two walls on the side begin to close in as well.
    “Overkill, Don'cha think?” The man says.
    “He is one paranoid man.” The instructor yells through the door. “Ah Hah!” The Instructor says as the door flies open. The door hits the man and I lose balance. I fall and it is too late for me to be saved. The man turns, in what looks to me like slow motion, with a horrified expression saying “Oh my god!” Is this it? Am I dead? My whole life flashes before my eyes.


    Scene 4: Death?

    'What? Am I dead?' I sit up to see myself sitting on the floor. In front of me is the man who is looking down at the floor with an expression of dread. “Hey. I'm not dead.” I say with a confused tone. No answer. “Can you hear me? I am not dead!” I say louder. I stand up to go to slap him on the back and my hand phases right through him. I stare at my hand in shock, then at my, previously severed, legs. “What the hell!” I scream. Just then the blonde teenager bursts into the hall. All three of them walk up to each other looking down at the same spot.
    “So, is it just us then...” He said in a sorrowful tone.
    “Yea...” The man says with his voice drifting into nothing. His eyes are no longer full of life.
    Behind the blonde teenager, I see his two friends; The girl, who is looking at the blonde teen with eyes of sadness, and the other teenage, who is looking intently at me with anger. I back up a little. He walks forward. 'uh oh this is bad' I think as I walk backward. His fist clenches.
    “Why. Why did you let me die!” His screaming caught the attention of the girl.
    “I didn't let you die!” I say back. “The door slammed shut just like all the other times.”
    “But you didn't try to get it open! Do you know what it's like to dissolve? Huh? It's awful. The only good part about that experience was when my nerves finally disappeared and the pain stopped. Then I died! Or 'died'.” He says putting air quotes around died. “I still feel the pain of what that thing did!” He screams.
    “Hey calm down, it's not her fault.” The girl says while patting his back. He collapses into tears.
    “I think you should go.” She says. I leave with the group that cannot see me. We enter the conductor room. There are two men standing in front of the conductor.
    “Please, you got what you came for, just leave!” He pleads. One looks at the other, the smaller one shakes his head.
    “Tha boss say'd nah. He wants sometin else.” The larger one said.
    “What do you want?” The conductor asks.
    “We need the baron for… Discussions. Get him off the train for us and we'll let you continue.” The smaller one says.
    The two men exit the train. Curious, I follow them. Upon exiting, there is major differences from when I was 'alive'. The light now feels like the normal sun from our world yet it is orange and it is still brighter than hell. The sky is red, the ground is still marble, the white fog has turned into a hellish black, and worst of all, the never ending screaming of all the people on the other side of the train.
    I walk to the other side of the train and peak at where the screams are coming from. Terrible mistake. I saw a sea of twisted and distorted faces lined with tear stains, begging for me to help them. One of them near the edge managed to get ahold of my leg. His face was caved inward, the stains running down his face were not made by tears.
    “Gah!” I let out. “Get off me!” He looks at me in the eyes. All I saw in his eyes was nothing.
    I couldn't stand standing near them anymore. I re-enter the train. Everyone had left except the two who had died before me.
    “Where did they go?” I ask.
    “We don't know. After you went out there they disappeared.” the girl said. There is another door that leads to a room that is most likely the Baron's room. I walk toward it. My heart is racing. I look at the other door where we entered. It had a large number 2 on it.
    “Can you see the numbers?” I ask them.
    “What?” They say in unison.
    “Figures.” I say quietly. I continue to the door.
    My hand grips the handle with a Death Grip. I begin to turn the handle. It feels like someone is turning it the other way, preventing me from entering. The door opens with a click. It is jet black on the inside, even with the luminous light from the outside. I reach into the darkness for a light-switch. My eyes exploded as the light turned on abruptly. I don't know how but it was brighter than the outside. My eyes adjusted and I stepped into the room. It was an office type room. It had a computer, water tank, and even a hung up suit. No sign of life anywhere. I walk up to the suit to inspect it. The tag on the torso said Joesph K. Jerrot – The Baron. I guess he is not here. I look up to see the suit is hanging by a rope. 'Strange who hangs a suit by a rope' I think to myself. Then it hit me like a truck. It isn't just a suit. A person is in the suit and he had been hung. Underneath his name is a number 1 carved in the steel name tag. A very familiar laugh comes from behind the door. The door slams shut, the light goes out, and then… Darkness.

  2. Pangaea

    Pangaea Forum Moderator

    Well that was certainly something. I hate to say it because it sounds so negative but this is riddled with errors. Grammar, punctuation, and some spelling could be improved. As well as proper paragraphing. It also feels a little too fast. Things just seem to happen without people taking proper time to react. In addition, it seems the gore and stuff is just there for the sake of being there. Like it's just trying to get a shock reaction. It didn't really draw me in and I found myself not really caring about the characters because they weren't responding in a relatable way. I can see this definitely has potential but as it is now it's simply poorly written so it loses appeal.
  3. Jimmy Cool

    Jimmy Cool Title Not Found

    Thank you very much for your input. As I am trying to improve my writing, I would like to ask you for some pointers and a a list of parts that you deemed awkward and/or forced (The gory bits).
    Thank you very much for reading.
  4. Pangaea

    Pangaea Forum Moderator

    Maybe I'm not up on conventions of horror and gore but there's no real reaction to it. They just kind of happen and then things progressed to the next bit. There's no sense of horror from the subjects and they just accept things as they happen. They don't get scared, or disgusted, or shocked from seeing and experiencing such things. So it feels out of place. Try to add more vivid and visceral reactions to make the story and characters come to life.
  5. Jimmy Cool

    Jimmy Cool Title Not Found

    I see... It doesn't matter if one is not in the circle of horror. Choppy writing is still choppy. I may just rewrite this anyway, as this was written years ago. I see what you mean though, some characters can go for a bit more emotion. However, with this piece, I think I was going for a journey that as it went on, the characters got used to the event happening and such as does it happen in real life.
    Anyway, when/if I rewrite it, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for the mistakes I made in this. Thank you for the help.

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