The Empire Long ago, there was a great empire. It was made of a race called the Protonasi (Pro-tah-na-si) They were a proud race. They had a good govermental system, and a semi-powerful military. But where their true strength came in, was their Psychic energy. They knew they had the power to bend the universe with their minds, but just didn't know how. They even have perfected mind beams, telekinises, psi-pyro, and other psi powers. However, their leading council, the council of ten, was perturbed. (The council of ten is made of the three goups and the emperor, three from the science division, three from the military division, and three from the psi division. The emperor was said to have a part from all three.) They knew, that they could most likely start controlling the Universe with their powerful minds, at least, the Psi division knew it. They also thought the science and military divisions were weighing them down. However, the military division had a different idea in mind. They thought that if they got rid of the Psi and the Science division, they could start making powerful ships, and take over the Universe with might. And, not surprisingly, the Science division thought that after they defeated the other divisions, they could get smart enough and open a portal another dimension, taking the powerful resources there and using them to take over the universe. On the contrary, The Emperor, Kun'lario Uteralka (Uteralka means former emperor in Protonasi), thought differently. He did not want to fight for the universe. He wanted to combine the three factions and then make peace with all the races in the universe. Thus, a cold war started. The military Division hired the assasins guild to assasinate key figures in the other factions, and hired Terrorists to suicide bomb in major space stations, buildings, and star-ships. The Science Division used seismic tanks, and gravitron waves to to block major news feeds and cameras, and disable power to major buildings, then send in X-765 battle tanks to do the dirty work. And, the Psi Division used Psi tanks and Psi orbital platforms to confuse the mind, and sent in Psi troopers to kill the opposition. The Empereror had no knowledge of this. Very soon, the Military Division took a large step ahead of everyone else. They assasinated the emperor, using a swarm of Poptops and Virorbs to do most of it. The Colonel of the Division, Yin'uoil Uteral became emperor,(Uteral means Emperor in New Protonasi) and had his apprentice fill in his spot in the council. From there on, it evolved quickly into a hot war leaving planets desomated. That was fifty years ago. We still fight over the hulks of smoldering metal and rock that we still call planets. Maybe, one day, one of us will be strong enough and rise up to take the throne, and maybe, stop the wars forever. But for now, we will fight, we will stand strong. Set-Terah, a Protonasi, got up from his sleep pod on the Kiriat. It was a normal trade ship, from the Science division. He got up, strecthed, and stared at his bulging, grayish blue, rotund belly. He thought *Hmm... i've been gaining some weight since the journey began, pfft, no kdding. Three months on a trade ship packed with foods for scientists, and one gets a little overwieght. Oh well, i guess i'll just work out a little more when i get to Serien, i've heard they have very good work-out rooms on the science station.* Very soon later Set's friend, Jisah-Iriaja stepped in via transport tube. "Hey, man, i got us a good gig at the bar, let's go, time is spending!" And almost as Jisah got in the room, he left. Set laughed, and stepped up to the control panel of the transport tube. He entered the code "LAST USE" Into the type spot of the tube. The LAST USE command sends the the person who used the command to the spot the previous person used, a very handy tool. Set waited for the transport to energize, then stepped in. He felt the cool air blow past his face as he shot up the tube, in about two point three seconds, he reached the bar where Jisah was talking to another one of Set's friends, Sindai-Karaen, who is a female. Jisah roared: "Heeey! Set! Come here, drinks on me!" Sindai replied to that statement with "Yeah, Set, have a drink or two." in her monotonous voice. Set asked, "What's the occasion? You seem very excitable Jisah." Jisah grinned, he said "Oh, does there need to be an occasion to have a drink with a good friend?" Set replied, "No, but you normally don't buy anything for anyone, not even your own mother." Jisah shot Set a flash of playful anger, then took a long swig of his Unaguru, a hardcore drink made by the Aguru species, who were stuck up, and worship themselves. "Still drinking that vile stuff, Jisah? I thought you were a man of good tastes, looks like i'm wrong for once." Set looked at the barkeep, and ordered an Protonasi ale. "To Ri-nerant!" Set cheered "To Ri-nerant!" Sindai and Jisah both cheered at the same time. Ri-nerant was the Emperor of the Science division. They drank, and then got up, to head to the rec room. When they arrived, there were only a few people in. Most of them in line for the Holo-decks, wich on the Kiriat only had enough Holo-pods for three people. Sindai was also heading for the Holo-decks, however, Jisah and Set were both heading to the Movie Theatre. "What movies do they have on?" Jisah asked, in more of a rhetorical sense becuase he was looking at the posters of the movies. "Maybe we should watch Revenge of the Emperor." Set said quietly. Jisah replied "What's it about?" "Apparently some sort of fantasy, the Emperor comes back to life and takes revenge on the Poptops and Virorbs." Didn't the military division kill the emperor?" "Yeah, but maybe they didn't want the movie controversial." "What the heck, let's watch it. It can't be THAT bad" Jisah flipped a few buttons, and the movie appeared. They watched the cheesy, unreal movie for the two hours it lasted. "It sucked." Set said in a monotonous voice. Jisah laughs, and Sindai smiles a bit. "Let's never watch a movie about the emperor again, ok Jisah?" Set said in genuine disgust. Sindai chuckled, and they all left the holo-deck. I hereby declare that all of these ideas are mine, and i have not copied any of these ideas. Becuase this is a Fan fic, i assume Starbound will let me use the creatures: Poptops, Virorbs, and any other future creatures that i will use from the Starbound universe. Unless i let you, you are NOT allowed to copy my ideas, or my races. This has nothing to do with the game "Starcraft" made by Blizzard in terms of mail i have been receiving about a race called the "Protoss." You are not permitted to use any names from this story unless i let you, as previousley stated. Thank you for your time.
Oh yes, help would be appreciated. Just PM me and i'll give you what i'm planning for it. For all of those concerned, yes, this does have a tiny small bit, concerned with the psi part, to do with the Protoss from Starcraft. But, no, they do not look the same, no they do not have the same ships, no they do not have the same planets, and no, they don't have the same charectors or story line. So stop sending me hate mail people.
Hmmm... Right off the bat it feels like you're trying to tell us everything in the first few sentences. Making a story is like solving a jigsaw puzzle: You have to put the pieces where they fit best, not force them all into one spot. Basically, what you're aiming for is a smooth combination of explanation and action, using a few words to convey many things. On the other hand, also try to spread information out: This is not only a good way to keep the action going, but also gives the reader something to look forward to. For really nitpicking about where to put information, try to relate it to the action being performed. For example, let's say this guy shoots a gun, and you want to tell the reader about the gun. Instead of: Bob shot his gun at the advancing alien. The gun was a Make II plasma induction rifle, with five rounds in the clip. He shot the whole clip into the alien. Try this: Bob emptied the whole five-round clip of his Make II plasma induction rifle into the advancing alien. Much better. There's a lot more room for more information, too. How about that alien? What's it look like? Bob emptied the whole five-round clip of his Make II plasma induction rifle into the Vorg's split-jaw mouth, and it reeled back, flailing four claw-tipped arms through the air. It's advance was only delayed, however. Not only do we have a decent idea of what the alien looks like, we also know that it's pretty tough. Anything else can be added later in the story. I would personally remove the word "whole" from this particular instance, just because I consider it redundant. If the clip is empty, obviously you shot the whole thing, right? ... I need to stop ranting. My apologies. T_T EDIT: I just had to add a few words back in to the last sample sentence because I forgot to put them in. There's another thing that you want to watch out for in any writing endeavors: Don't let your mind automatically fill in the gaps of information for you. This is detrimental to your writing. To prevent this from affecting you, I suggest reading your story aloud to yourself or with someone else if possible upon completion. This is great for letting you hear your writing and adding one more surprisingly effective layer to your editing process. Having an editor that isn't you can also take care of this problem in some cases.
No woodle, i like the advice. I will use it later in the story, i'll give credit to you at the end of the book
Oh, wow, thanks guys! Although the advice, considering the original topic, was a bit off track... I should've been talking about how to spread information out, not concentrate it into an action sequence. Then again, it does help with where to put said information... Guh. XP I need to stop second guessing myself. Also, you did a pretty good job with the plot now that I actually read the whole thing. Also, what's "constructiom"? :?
Sorry for the long wait guys, i have been distracted (thinks of time playing awesome games) Yeah... distracted...
