Chat Tell Us Your Troubles Thread - advice & friendly chats

You somewhat baffle me, ya know?

Perhaps your situation is different enough to justify your actions, but still, you really confuse me.Agree to disagree, I suppose.

And the reason for the second is simple, anonymity.We do not know eatchother, how we look like, and we never have met face to face, and none of us here ever needs to socialize or interact with eatchother in a daily basis.

Henceforth, telling yer little secrets to somebody, venting out on anyone who could be out there, whom you will never interact face to face lest ye wish to, who has no reason to betray ya, and that is preety much always here for ya, lot less strings attached, and much easier.

 

Yup. There's no "risk" in telling people online. Even if they nod and smile but secretly think I'm stupid, what are they going to do, write a message on my profile? Tell other people that I also don't know? Nothing.

In real life, you have to wonder if people really are supportive, or just acting like it, or acting like it but are secretly douchebags. The simple doubt about their loyalty is enough to frustrate me sometimes, and at times prevents me from opening up even the slightest bit to some people. Especially if I just get a "hunch" about them, with no reason behind it.

At some point, I decided to open up about very small, inconsequential things to some people I'd known for awhile, and see how they reacted. Things like class or teachers/profs or movies or music, etc. Just simple stuff at first. Over time, I could open up about bigger and bigger things, but I stopped immediately if I ever thought I was getting negative vibes, or if stuff was leaked.

 

Well need to vent this since this unvengefull time of vacations are coming... and I havent been... challenged (you can call it like that I suppose) just one single bit this year (results in me getting stressed out extremly):


So random fact about myself: Apparently I am some sort of monster. Or turned into one over the time being. No not literally, metaphorically of course...

Lets see:

- Feeds on hate (sorta), feels empty without someone working against them.
- Simple motivation is just going forward, improving myself with no regard to others or to myself, mainly to myself
- Lack of other drives than trying to get more and more, and its not even material nonesense, its just trying to be better then anyone arround me, outperforming them.
- I usually cannot stand random factors which are not under my control, therefor I try eliminating them or present them as irrelevant.
- Straight thoughts of what happened to me in the past up to flashbacks and nightmares.
- Feeling in general stressed out.
- Relaying said stress onto myself and occasional by yelling at other people
- I prefere some distance to other people, I am not allowing them to get close. Not likely present them my deepest things
- Generally I feel unease, stressed and have the urgent need to get any form of improvement upon myself
- I am having a constant depression and questioning everything I do myself, others do and the very existance of myself.
- I hate freetime and any forms of nothing to do.
- I only feel comfortable arround people I know quite long or which are part of my family. On the internet its a different thing. I can easily change my pseudonym and cut off stuff I dont need anymore.
- In general, anything related to creative works pisses me off, see below why.
- Having a pretty decent job, atleast what others consider good, but I am not satisfied one damn bit with it, nor will I ever. Although its pretty much one of the more interesting things I do. I will not tell exactly what though... I have reaons for that.

So yeah, theres more to the list which I am not going to list, again I have my reasons. Sounds familar right? It should.

I know what was the reason for turning me into that particular state, I am not really going all detail. Lets just say: Constant psychological harassment (and thats probably understatement and might put this in here too: some nice "creative work" involving me has happened aswell in those times (done by others...)... therefor I am disgusted by most "creative" things like art, music, acting and the likes, luckily games dont belong to that, but are getting closer and closer...) since I was 10 combined with some other issues. Now those issues or causes are gone but the scars stay. And yes I have a doctor trying to help me through that, atleast she tries. Theres more to this stuff, but lets just say I am not right now feeling in the position like I can tell you...

Well thats about it guys. Now I am going to hide for a little bit. Seeya soon again, maybe not under this pseudo.

 

Well, if those items in your list makes you a monster then we should start a club.

Well, I don't know how commonplace those behaviours are, but I display quite a lot of them myself. Perhaps the drive to outperform others is not there (I do like to feel special and unique. But generally won't make an effort towards that) and since you didn't disclose the nature of your creative experiences (I think I can guess, but I won't) I can't assume we are in the same context, but there I got burned out on drawing for a while now. After a few attempts to take it seriously and try to make a living of it, it sort of lost it's appeal to me. I envied and loathed those who can still do it passionately. It is passion that I've lost. I felt entitled to that feeling, close to the point of equating those fledgling artists to thieves. It was nonsensical and irrational, but such were my feelings on the matter. Thankfully I can use the past tense there, because I've put that all behind me.
I do have a job that most outside of it considers to be the job of the future. That this area pays the best wages. Maybe it is, but my company certainly doesn't pay me all that much. And it is very stressful. I don't like it, I am just able to perform it reasonably well.
As for the rest, I'm no misanthrope, but I am quite anti-social. I hate crowds, can't talk to strangers unless I absolutely have to, only speak more openly with people I know or to myself (posting here is kind of like that. There's no one around me, no one listening. Just words on display), all that stuff...

 

I suppose that, considering I just had one of the best trips in my entire life, I shouldn't be posting here right now. But as the time to go back home approaches, I feel melancholic. Not just because I'm already missing Hong Kong (I am, and for good reason. This is an amazing city), but because what awaits me back in Brazil is not just the same old life. It is a life entirely unraveled.

See, when I left for my vacation, things were in an... interesting situation. The company I work for was about to undergo some changes. Things were starting to look grim and my future there was increasingly uncertain. I was faced with the opportunity to either move to another project, or just move to another company altogether. Either way I went, I'd have to go back to square one: introducing myself to new co-workers, adapting to new challenges, learning the ins and outs of the new client, that sort of thing.
Yet, I still don't know if that's what I want to do. I grew comfortable where I was and this change could prove to be too much for me, especially since I.T. is not exactly my passion. As I said many times, I don't really enjoy coding, I'm just good enough at it to land me the job and unfortunately it is what I can do best...
So I'm just here. thinking. With an entire planet between me and home, just... Sitting at a bench in a lush park, walking around a promenade facing the city. All beautiful sights punctuating my meditation about, well, life. I wish I could stay here forever. Miles away from all those troubles. I'd sit here in this bench for ages, I would walk those shores indefinitely if it meant that every minute of it is a minute of peace.

*sigh* I should probably head back and pack up my stuff...

 

Real advice section:

Why not dedicate yerself to something fun in coding?Make yerself a nice lil project, something ya can be proud of, just fidle around, try and see if ya really cant find any true joy from doing it, then Id advise to perhaps go and organise yerself to a new area, eventualy.

Make a robot, a random name generator, a fortune telling shmuck program site/machine and use Micro-transactions to get rich of idiots, who knows?

Also, don't get too atached to something you can verry hardly get.As good as Hong Kong might be, it isn't where you will be forever, and it ain't where you can take some never ending vacations without working.

Getting too atached to something or starting to think too much "What if..." has done me nothing more, nothing less, than a damed existential crysis and depression.

First one is almost as bad as depression, and no amount of Meds will get ya out of it, its something personal.

And depression is self explainatory, huh?

As for comical advice:

Just start puting a ever increasing amount of ASCII dicks in your code, then tell your superiors they got hacked by 4chen.

Make self restart scripts in all the PCs?

Program a bot to spam the company mail with porn ads?

Make a ranble/rant about lasanha and the right amount of cheese in the code in one of the comments.

Leave some printed out Kappas just hanging in the walls.Just to fuck with people.

And final one:

Dont get your jimies rustled just cause ya left a good city.Live yer life, last thing we all want is our small town genocidal Robo Ghandi getting depresed, and picking flowers!

 

Sometimes, the best places to visit are the worst places to live. Remember that Hong Kong just had a series of huge protests due to political leadership and such. It's also really hard to find a place to live, because hotels are cheap and plentiful but apartments are FREAKING EXPENSIVE. They don't have "cage dwellers" because people like the compact living quarters. I think there aren't a ton of middle class in HK, only super poor, poor-but-living, and upper-middle-class.

Not trying to throw dirt on the place, because I loved my time there, but I think you should enjoy the visit for what it was. It was awesome, it was different, and it was relaxing/adventurous/awesome again. However, as you've seen with your move in-country, living somewhere is different than visiting. There's a lot of challenges that you have to face when you're living somewhere, that you don't even pay attention to when you're visiting.

Take it that you have a better idea of what you like, and see if there's some way to get that into your life where you're at now, or what it would take to actually move elsewhere. Rhomboid ran around the globe with her family, so it's always possible. However, you will want to prepare and not just move "because I want to". International moves require a lot of preparation and understanding.

 

Look, Hong Kong was not my first trip overseas nor is it even the most mesmerizing or different place I've ever been (heck, Brazil is a huge country. I haven't seen everything there yet. It got some pretty amazing places itself). No, the reason this trip earned the top spot on my list is because, for the first time, I got to experience it on my own terms. No overbearing guardians controlling everything. I did what I wanted, where I wanted, when I wanted. I felt like staying in that coffin of a room and play Fire emblem? Boom, done that. No pressure to go out just because I'm visiting the place.

I was in control there. Which is entirely different from what awaits me back home. Everything is up in the air. Will I have a new job? Will it be the same old job? Will there be a job at all? I don't know...
I don't like being adrift like that, just following the current. I'd like to know where all of this is heading to.

I mean, I'm no kid. I'm heading towards my 30s. That I still don't know where any of this is going is alarming.

But it's not like I have much of a choice now. I have to go with the flow. I have to get fed and pay my bills. The alternative is going back to live with my parents, but I know myself. I'll get complacent. If you think wanting an eternal vacation is bad, going back to live with them is exactly that, sans the freedom.

 

You don't seem to be the least inept, so more than likely, you will be fine anyhoo.

Doubt they would start moving programmers to mix cement, and from what ya have told us, going back to yer daddy and sister would be somewhat of a bad idea.

Plus, ya went through a lot just to get away from it to begin with, doubt you would throw away all the work ya had, just to go back to disfunctional family with dosh, lest you had absolutely no chance.

 

I don't think any of us know where any of our worlds are going. Seriously, think about it.

Every single job you have, could be gone tomorrow. Corporate? Layoffs due to bad profits, or executive misdeeds (Enron), or failed executive strategy (Target Canada). Government? Shutdowns or furloughs due to budget reasons (DHS). Small company? Checks bounce due to bad cashflow. Retail? Not enough hours to go around, sorry, stay home today.

For me, it goes back to my favorite quote, strangely from an anime called Love Hina (Naru punch is best punch).
"If you think you have it, you don't. If you think you don't have it, you still don't."

Rather than finding peace of mind by knowing what will happen, I think you should try to set yourself up so that no matter what happens, you're the best you can be. Get some savings. Then it doesn't matter if you have a job or not, you'll have time to figure it out if something happens. You've learned to love freedom and being on your own. Great! How can you find that in your day to day life, maybe just walking in a local park or neighborhood a few times each week to clear your head?

Don't look to guarantee the results (stable job, good living arrangements), instead focus on the journey (financially-responsible, healthy, able to find jobs if needed).

 

Jealousy's a bitch

Someone talks to the girl I like - On the surface I'm fine with it, but a little voice in my head is like 'f*ck him'. I don't seem to care that much about other people interacting with her, but there are doubts in the back of my head. It's even happening with the guys I'm really good friends with (as in we hang together every lunch and recess).

 

True. But some of us do have an idea of where they want it to go, right? Even if things doesn't turn out as desired, at least they have a north in their life compass.
Please, do not mistake this for a desire to be a control freak. I just want to have a pespective on life. A drive. A purpose. I still don't see any light at the end of my tunnel so I can begin to stumble towards it.

 

I think I've finally given up my struggle with finding a way out, suicide's too messy and I'd rather take the scenic route through hell than the express road to the end I suppose.

I think I need a fresh-start somewhere on a new forum, I'm in the process of shutting out a community I joined about a year ago so something to replace that would be nice. Anyone have any recommendations?

 

I'm glad to hear you've come to terms with that, but why do you feel like you need a fresh start if you don't mind my asking? Don't burn your bridges behind you and such.

 

Meet new people, try being part of a community instead of a backdrop, maybe make some real friendships rather than the fake ones I have currently. It's much easier when you're new instead of someone who's been hanging around for a year.

Starting from a blank slate just offers so much potential and freedom.

 

Here's the thing, though. A perspective on life can be achieved without ever knowing what lies ahead. It comes from you, and your current situation and past experiences. Not the future.

If you decide that you want to do something or would like to be somewhere or want to just be happy no matter what happens, then permutations/uncertainty about the future don't affect that.

You get to decide what you want and where you want to be, and then it's up to you to make it happen or simply put it on the shelf for a period of time while you focus on other things. If you can't be happy when you're not actively being "successful" then you won't be happy when you are actively being "successful". Money and comfort don't bring happiness, I assure you.

 

I guess that's the main point: I don't know what I want to do. That's what I've been pondering for the longest time. I thought I knew back then, but pursuing those objectives turned out to be fruitless endeavour and I've lost passion for drawing. Perhaps I should've tried harder, but I no longer feel the drive to do that.

 

Oh. Fair enough.

I can't really give you a lot of guidance, because, well, I can share lots of experiences that prove I'm kinda dumb. But early on in life, money was something we didn't have, so my goal in school was to learn stuff that would get me a good job, so I wouldn't have to worry about money. I've done that, so I have all the things I need, and in doing so, I found that there's other things I like doing.

I enjoy traveling, exotic food (not THAT exotic, Anthony Bourdain), new languages, people watching, public commute (in safe places), and hot baths. I do my job because I need money, but I've found some aspects of it that I actually enjoy. I'm also fortunate enough to be able to specialize in those areas, so I can ignore a lot of the stuff I don't like.

If you don't know what you like / want? Then try new stuff. Be impulsive for a while, and just get new experiences. If you don't find any you like? Try new ones. Keep trying things until you find something you like. However, I would advise you to at least keep a stable job for a few years, because that usually means you can find another stable job if needed. If you can't hold down a job, you won't have the money or time to do things that you enjoy later.

 

Guys, I'm proscrastinating too much, I hate myself and I feel like dumb, horrible waste of organic matter... I think I'm wasting my life and I feel like a dipsh*t... Haven't thought about suicide, so that's good, eh? haha...
Sorry for, like, pouring all this crap in here, I thought I wanted to let it out... Guide me if you want, I just don't want to bother anyone with these stupid rants...

 

I do stupid rants here all the time. Or maybe what is stupid is my bullheaded stubborness when someone tries to offer a guiding hand. So don't worry about it.
Well, it doesn't seem like you want guidance, just someone to lend an ear. In that case, know that I've read what you said and I understand how you feel.

For what it's worth, I'd say give it some time. Perhaps it is just a rough phase, I feel like that from time to time. It comes and goes and I just weather it. Don't know if it's the right thing to do, it is just what I do...

I know nobody asked but, as for me, I just made a choice between health and wealth. While usually the former is a no-brainer, I must admit that the offer a company made me was tempting. But from what I could gather, working there would put a heavier strain on my mind. So I declined the job offer.

Hope I made the right call... it was quite a sum, I could finally buy that dream motorbike with it... while potentially losing my mind...