Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by DinoExplorer2000, May 13, 2018.

  1. DinoExplorer2000

    DinoExplorer2000 Void-Bound Voyager

    This is the story of an avali that I created a few months ago and is still working on. I began writing it Down recently, so plz dont criticize it to much. i also use Google translate a lot, so if my English is bad, blame google:


    There was once an Avali tribe on the snowy planet of Parshen. They were travellers, merchants and hunters. They followed a route that went across one-third of the planet, visiting cities and air bases, of avali and sometimes other races. While traveling on the southern, more flat lands of the Frozen Plains, they got surprised by a blizzard. After struggling through the blizzard for two weeks, they found a small forest, and decided to settle there until the blizzard ended. The hunters went out scouting the surrounding area for food, and landmarks. Some of the Avalis were checking on their equipment, repairing damage, cleaning snow and making sure everything was in useable after the hard storm, and what they would have to leave.

    In one of the tents in the camp, a nest of leathery eggs was placed together. Every few minutes an avali would come by to check on them. They were laid a few weeks ago, and will hatch soon. There are three avalis in the tent with the eggs. One black-fluffed avali with brown feathers and green stripes is sitting on a bench, looking on the eggs and the two others. An grey-fluffed avali with red feathers and blue stripes is walking back and forth while checking on the eggs every time he passes. A third grey-fluffed avali with blue feathers and green spots is sitting by a table, sorting bottles and bags, while reading something on the nexus.

    “Why is it taking so long? The eggs should have hatched by now.” The red-feathered avali says.

    “They won’t hatch until they are ready, and you know that.” the blue feathered avali has stopped sorting the bottles and are looking at the impatient avali.

    “It’s almost three months since they were laid! They are already late!.” The red-feathered avali complaints. The blue avali opens her mouth to speak, but the brown avali starts talking before her

    “Please don’t start another argument guys, the eggs will watch when they are ready.” the two avalis closes their mouths and continues with their work.

    Outside, in the camp,the sun is setting. The hunters have returned. They found some animals for today's dinner, and reports about ore clusters and other resources they have seen. They also report seeing something up north, but didn’t have time to check it out. The tribe splits up and does their last finishes on what they can do today, and prepares for dinner with their packs and/or friends.

    “What are we going to do?” The red avali mumbles

    “The sun is setting, and we can’t stay here all night!” The blue avali nods “I guess you’re right, and I’m getting really hungry too.” The brown avali raises his head

    “Go you two, I’ll keep an eye on the eggs, and I’ll call on you if something happens” says the avali sitting on the bench. The two other avalis walks out of the tent.

    “Thanks Yorn! I’ll save some food for you!” The blue avali says on the way out. The red avali walks out mumbling, glancing at the brown avali.

    Outside the tent the sun has set and the night is dark. Lanterns placed around the camp lights the ground, so no avali will have to stumble into something without seeing it.

    “Why are you so grumpy Roryn? Aren’t you happy we got all the eggs through the storm safely?” Roryn shakes his head

    “Not all of them Nadya, not all of them.” Nadya lowers her head

    “Yea, that one, but we did get most of the eggs out of the storm safely, and we should be happy about that, right?” Nadya raises her head and looks at Roryn.

    “We did get most of the eggs out alive, I guess, I just, don’t feel so very happy” Roryn shooks his head. Nadya looks a little annoyed,

    “Why not? Were safe, we didn’t walk astray in the storm, everyone is happy and safe, and the repair of our gear will only take a day or two, and the eggs can hatch any second! How can you not be happy Roryn?” Nadya stares at Roryn, waiting for an answer.

    “Im sorry, its just, I’ve been having bad dreams lately, and a very bad feeling in the back of my head, and I’m worried about our egg and…” Before Roryn can finish Nadya kisses him.

    “Dont worry, well all do our best to take care of the eggs, and the bad dreams are just dreams, don’t let them take control, they might just be instincts talking to you, or just you brain trying to make you remember something. You shouldn't forget your dreams, but don’t let them take over your head either, keep them in the back, just in case, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But you can at least try to be happy.” Roryn raises his head and look Nadya in the eyes.

    “Yes, your right, as usual, I’ll try to be happier.” Nadya gives him a kiss and walks away,

    “That’s the spirit! see you tomorrow Roryn!” Nadya waves as she walks away, turning around a tent and disappearing. Roryn stands in the snow for a while, before he heads to the tent he and his pack sleeps in.

    Inside the egg tent Yorn sits and watches the eggs. Occasionally an avali comes in to check on the eggs and chat with Yorn, about the eggs moving or making sounds. As the night goes, fewer and fewer avali comes in. Around midnight, Yorn is barely still awake when he hears steps outside. When the tent door opens, Nadya and Reyn, one of her packmates comes in.

    “Hey Yorn! How are you doing? And how the eggs are, Any movements? sounds? Anything that shows they are hatching soon?” Yorn yawns and looks at Nadya.

    “Hi Nadya, hi Reyn, Im fine, except that I’m really hungry, and really tired. And no, no clue about the eggs. I thought I heard a sound from them earlier, but it was someone checking on the eggs in the back.”

    “Ok then, oh yes, the food, I almost forgot! We brought you some leftovers! Roasted meat and some Piru loaves, I also got a small Kiri cake, that you can eat as dessert or save for later”. Nadya places the food on the table,

    “And if you are about to fall over of sleep, give me a call and I’ll take egg watch duty for you!” She and Reyn leaves. Yorn stares at the food for a few minutes, before he stands up and walks over to the table. He sits down and eats quietly, while looking at the eggs.

    When he’s done eating, he sits by the table, closed his eyes, half-sleeping. Then he hears a sound. Something is scratching on something. he opens his eyes, and blinks a few times, and glances around the tent. Then he hears the noise again. One of the eggs are moving. He quickly stands up and walks up to the eggs. The egg moves again. He activates his nexus augments, and contacts Nadya and Roryn,

    “Nadya! Roryn! Over here! now!” After a few seconds he hears a low mumbling, saying something about beauty sleep.

    “It’s the eggs! Something is happening!” Low rustling sounds, then silence. After a minute steps are heard outside, Nadya enters the tent, with a tired Roryn behind.

    “This better be serious Yorn, you know how short-tempered I…” Roryn stops when he sees the eggs,

    “they, they are actually moving”. Nadya kneels down next to the eggs. “They are moving! that means they will hatch soon! right Yorn?”. Yorn nods his head.

    “It is the first sign that they are close to hatching. tomorrow we will have to tell the others”. Nadya takes a spin

    “Oh, I’m so happy! The eggs will hatch soon!”

    that was Chapter one, plz tell me what you think about it and any edits that might make it better
    help with typos or things is apreciated


    Here is Chapter 2, With some New avali's and News about the eggs


    The sun rises over the cold lands on Parshen. Oryon sits on top of a watchtower by the outskirts of the camp. He watches the sun rise, lighting up the landscape. His grey fluff sparkles with snow. His white feathers glows as the sun rays hits them. The blue stripes waving in the wind. Even though the temperature is below -40C, he isn’t freezing. His ammonia based blood keeps his body safe from the cold. Oryon glances over the landscape, watching creatures of all sizes waking up from their slumber, or hide in caves or in the snow, to rest until the night returns. Next to him on the platform he’s been sitting on most of the night, lies his weapons. A type FM4 Firelance sniper rifle, customized for low-light combat, and a VBX-XL4 Dire shard broadsword. Both covered in a thin layer of snow, he grabs his rifle, and brushes of the snow. He has been here since after midnight, sitting on top of the tower, keeping an eye on predators and other potential threats, he guides the guards on the ground to where predators or other wildlife comes close to the camp. He is hoping for a few hours of sleep when someone calls up to him, telling him the tribe is gathering. He shouts down for someone to come and keep guard, when another avali comes to the tower and looks up at him. Oryon climbs down, hoping whatever is going on won’t take too long.

    In the camp, Nadya and Yorn are talking to the tribe about the eggs.

    “Last night, some of the eggs moved and made sounds. We think they will hatch soon!” A lot of avali’s began smiling when they heard that. The eggs hatching means hatchlings will come soon. Adorable little fluffy creatures, and they shall all help them grow to become the best at what they want to be. So many fun times to come, with the hatchlings learning about life. Not all of the avali’s were overjoyed with the news. Some packs was just traveling with the tribe across these cold lands for mutual protection, and they did not want anything to do with eggs. Others had jobs to do. And some packs were busy playing games when the gathering was announced. A grey-feathered avali raise his hand.

    “How long do you think it is before the eggs hatch? And who is watching the eggs when you are here?”. Yorn looks at the grey avali and says.

    “I am not exactly sure when the eggs will hatch, but I believe they will hatch within a few days. And right now Roryn of the Rasther pack is watching the eggs”.

    Back in the egg tent, Roryn is watching the eggs. He hears scratching from time to time, and occasionally an egg moves. He walks around the tent, fixing pillows, straightening out carpets, washing the table, sitting and resting, looking at the eggs, check the nexus. currently he sits next to an egg, scratching on a piece of nanocanvas. He scratches it, waits a few seconds, scratches again. after the fifth time of repeating the eggs begins to scratch at the same time as him or right after. When Yorn and Nadya comes back, Roryn has a small scratching orchestre, with Roryn as the dirigent, scratching once or twice every fifth second, and the eggs scratching with him, or a second or two after. Some of the eggs are even swaying back and forth, like they are dancing. He doesn’t notice Nadya and Yorn before Nadya says,

    “Oh, so cute! Roryn and his egg band!” Roryn quickly turns around, looks at Yorn and Nadya, and drops the nanocanvas.

    “Yes, I’m just, trying to make the eggs happy, so they will hatch faster.” Nadya hugs him, before sitting down next to the eggs, they have stopped scratching and seems to be waiting for something. Nadya looks at Roryn “I think they are waiting for you.” She picks up a piece of nanocanvas, and gives it to Roryn. Roryn takes the nanocanvas, and beings scratching. After a few scratches, the eggs begin to move back and forth. Yorn, who has sat down on the bench, smiles. Nadya picks up another piece of nanocanvas, and scratches on it, timing it to Roryn’s scratches. The eggs seems to like it, and some of the eggs begins scratching. They sit like that for about ten minutes, when other avalis comes in to see the eggs.

    “So this is how they move, eh?” one of them asks. Roryn raises his head ”Just trying to make the eggs happy, and if it makes them hatch faster…” The avali’s settles down around them, Roryn and Nadya continues to scratch, and the eggs join in shortly after.

    Time goes. Avali’s leave the tent, others enter the tent. around midday most of the avali’s in the tribe has been in there, listening and watching the eggs. Yorn has been out for a while, but just came back. Nadya’s stomach rumbles, and she falls backwards,

    “I’m so hungry!” Roryn stops scratching, and looks at Nadya,

    “Same here,” he looks around the tent,

    “Hey Yorn! can you watch them? We’re leaving for lunch break!” Yorn nods, and Roryn leaves with Nadya behind. Yorn raises up, walks over to the eggs, and sits down. He picks up one of the pieces of nanocanvas Roryn and Nadya left behind, and begins to scratch on them.


    Oryon is resting in his packs tent. Only Herin is currently in the tent. His three other pack members; Turon, Erya and Fermin is out doing their duties. Oryon keeps his eyes closed, trying to get some sleep before his next shift. Herin is working on a new weapon design, a variant of their standard issue rifle that works better in wind and snow, and has more firepower. Oryon connects to the nexus, looking for something boring to read and some nice, calm music to listen to. After a few minutes, he is listening to some calm band music, and halfway to dreamland, when someone is calling him on the nexus. The sudden call wakes him up. He keeps his eyes closed for a few seconds, before he turns of the sleep song, and answers the call.

    “Oryon this is Turon, sorry for waking you up right now, but we need you in the transmission tent, right now.” Oryon opens his eyes and stands up. He knows Turon doesn’t wake him up during sleep break if not something important is going on.

    “Where are you going Oryon?” Herin asks without stopping working on his new weapon.

    “To the comm-tent, Turon needed help with something.” he answers as he leaves the tent.

    “Ok, then, see you later Oryon.”

    Roryn is sitting outside his pack’s tent. Next to him is two other avalis; one green with red stripes, his packmate Kerion, and one grey with purple spots, his other packmate Joni. All three are chewing on meat-stuffed piru rolls. Roryn is looking around the camp. As usual on lunchtime, most avalis are inside their tents, or close to it, eating lunch. What they eat varies a little, depending on their taste. He sees everything from a pack eating only piru loaves with kiri on the side, to another one eating roasted meat with some fruit on the side. Others are eating Bread with pieces of meat on the side. He even sees a pack eating cake.

    (I guess they got something to celebrate) He thinks to himself. He looks at Joni, but can’t see Kerion. Joni notices him, and looks to the tent. Snoring is heard from the inside. A few tents away he sees a white avali walk past, heading for the center.

    (Wait, isn't that Oryon? I thought he would be sleeping at this time of day.) Roryn watch Oryon disappear behind some tents.

    His lunch down, Roryn decides to go and do some work. His main duty is farming after all. He walks off to the portable farm they have in the camp.

    There he sees a white-fluffed avali with green feathers, busy working. When he gets closer, he notices red dots on the green, and realises it's his third packmate, Merian. she’s busy harvesting piru, and next to her is a box with some piru leaves in. He walks over, and waves to Merian, before he begins to help the harvest, Merian sees he coming, and gives him a quick wave before she puts som piru in the box. Roryn gathers a little bunch of piru leaves. He carries them over to Merian and puts the leaves in the box. They both keep on harvesting leaves.

    “So, how are the eggs doing Roryn? Any closer to hatching yet?” Merian asks him.

    “Last time i checked on them, was right before lunch, then they were moving and making sounds, so if I had to guess, they’ll hatch in a day or two.” Merian stops to put some more piru in the box.

    “I guess you will get busy then, with a hatchling to worry about, and looking out for.” Roryn goes to the box and drops piru in it, then he looks at Merian.

    “We will all get busy looking out for the kits. Just because I’m dad to one of the eggs, doesn’t mean that I won’t quit my other duties. I might have to work less to watch out for them, but I’m not alone in watching them, the entire tribe will help out.” (Or at least I hope so) Roryn thinks to himself.

    “We all got work to do then, I guess.” They continue to work in silence.

    When they are finished with the piru’s, they go over to the kiri garden. The fruity kiri bulbs are squishy, and they takes some training to pick without bursting, and they have to placed carefully in the box, if not it would create a mess that would take hours to clean up. Luckily, neither of them lost the fruit. When the box was full, Merian picked it up. Roryn went to pick up the box with piru leaves. They carried the boxes to the dining tent.

    Most packs knows how to cook their own food, but for those who didn’t know, or had time to cook, could go to the dining tent to get a meal. Everyone who works to help the tribe will be helped and supported by the tribe. And if someone need ingredients, they could always go to the tent. Erikin of the Jerkin pack works in the kitchen tent most of the time, mainly because he is one of the best cooks. Other avalis work in the kitchen, most because they want to work with food. Some work there because other jobs are taken, others for being with friends, or just something to do while waiting for the storm to calm down.

    Merian and Roryn enters the tent. He sees a lot of avali, sitting on pillows on the floor and on chairs by tables. He can almost not believe how many avali is i the dining tent, then he remembers the dining tent is one of the largest tent in the camp. They walk through the crowd with the crates, over to the cooking area, where Erikin is cooking something. Merian shouts out.

    “Hey Erikin! Got some more ingredients for you!” Merian places the box next to one of the cooking stations, and Roryn places his box next to hers. Erikin, a brown-fluffed avali with green feathers and yellow stripes, goes over to them. He looks into the boxes, then at Merian and Roryn.

    “Nice harvest today, well done guys. And since were running low on flour, these piru-leaves are very helpful.” He says a name, and an avali comes. Erikin and the other avali picks up the crates, and carries them to the storage area by the tent walls. Merian and Roryn walks over to a table, and sits down.

    “Finally I can get some rest.” Merian says as she lays her head on top of her arms on the table.

    “I’m a little hungry, I’ll go ask for a stuffed piru loaf. Do you want anything?” Merian mumbles a no thanks, and Roryn leaves the table, and walks over to the ordering area. He talks with an avali, who after a minute gives him a piru-loaf. Roryn walks over to Merian’s table, and sits down. He starts eating on the loaf.

    “I will never understand how they manage to make leaves and pieces of dead animals taste so good” Roryn says as he swallows, and starts on his second bite. Merian doesn’t answer, she just breathes slowly. Roryn understands that she is sleeping, so he eats up, then he connects to the nexus, and leaves a note for Merian. Then he rose up, and walked out of he dining tent. He heads to the egg tent, to see how they are doing, and maybe take over watch-duty for Yorn.

    In the egg tent, Nadya is whistling and scratching, watching the eggs move to the sound. Yorn is not in the tent, so Roryn guess he is taking a break. As Roryn enters the tent, Nadya looks up and catches his gaze. He walks over to her, and sat next to her.

    “How are the eggs doing?” Roryn asks Nadya. She keeps on scratching and looks at him.

    “Nothing new yet, they are still responding to the scratching, and they are moving more than they did this morning, and some of them even fallen over, so I think they are really close to hatching now.” Nadya glances over the eggs, watching them cradle. She starts whistling again, and they both watch the eggs move from side to side, like they are dancing a slow dance. They sit there, watching the eggs. As time goes, the sun settles.

    Chapter 3 is out! i dont know if anyone actually cares to read this story, and I just can't stop adding to the prologue, so... I Guess Chapter 4 will be more prologue? and the Warrior this tale is going to be about, is in one of the eggs, if you didnt know
    Last edited: May 23, 2018 at 12:42 AM
  2. TionWolf

    TionWolf Void-Bound Voyager

    It looks interesting so far. Some advice for structuring your story:
    Every time someone new starts to speak, start a new paragraph. It makes it less cluttered and therefore more understandable.

    What you did:
    “Why is it taking so long? The eggs should have hatched by now.” The red-feathered avali says. “They won’t hatch until they are ready, and you know that.” the blue feathered avali has stopped sorting the bottles and are looking at the impatient avali. “It’s almost three months since they were laid! They are already late!.” The red-feathered avali complaints. The blue avali opens her mouth to speak, but the brown avali starts talking before her “Please don’t start another argument guys, the eggs will watch when they are ready.” the two avalis closes their mouths and continues with their work.
    What you should do:
    "Why is it taking so long? The eggs should have hatched by now," the red-feathered Avali says.
    "They won't hatch until they are ready and you know that." The blue-feathered Avali has stopped sorting the bottles and is looking at the impatient Avali.
    "It's almost three months since they were laid! They are already late!" The red-feathered Avali complains.
    The blue Avali opens her mouth to speak, but the brown Avali stars talking before her: "Please don't start another argument guys, the eggs will hatch when they are ready."
    The two Avali close their mouths and continue with their work.
  3. DinoExplorer2000

    DinoExplorer2000 Void-Bound Voyager

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