SOLARICORP, DEDICATED TO CONTAINING ALL INSTANCES OF ANOMALOUS MATERIALS/ORGANISMS/DUCKS. NOW HIRING! APPLY BELOW. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever had a pesky bit of anti-matter teleport half of your ship into another dimension? How about an attack on your outpost staged by amorphous penguins armed with guns that shoot singularities? Or a REALLY annoying rogue pulsar star that threatens your flagship with utter annihilation? Well then, SolariCorp is the answer for your troubles! With one simple interstellar delta-radiation burst, we'll be there in seconds! SolariCorp's agents will quickly subdue the anomaly, catagorize it, and release it on one of our many registered Third World Planets! Don't worry, they love these things! In fact, after we deliver it elsewhere, we can inject a perfectly harmless brain-altering chemical (A2MnEs1AC2 for you smarties out there.) so you can forget the whole incident even happened. Isn't that wonderful? Resources----------- Here at SolariCorp, our agents are currently supplied from our private armory, located on planet [C0rRuPT3D]. However, we need to restock our supplies of weaponry constantly to fight the non-sensical menaces that lurk in deep-space. We'll gladly consider business proposals, just submit to us at 1928 Sike (SYKE) Bvd. Our troops need armor, (hopefully reinforced with gracious amounts of dark matter) food, (Ramen will be fine) transportation, (Any used car dealerships?) and entertainment (anyone still mass-produce ball in a cup?). Armament----------- (Will be filled when we get business proposals) Cataloging------ All SolariCorp reports related to anomalous objects will begin with the objects designation, e.x. SC-A00, and so on. Each will have a certain Third World it will be sent to, depending on the level of threat it is. We PARTICULARLY hate Zed-One-Alpha. That planet is noting but ABSOLUT- //... The report will have a short description of the object, no doubt filled with malice, and will finish off with any notes we have on it. DISCLAIMER: Any denizen of the universe caught with Xeta level or higher report will be sent to planet Vephos One. A.K.A. Hell. (No tours of SC-T46 at this time.) (No, You may not date SC-Z83) (Yes, you can and WILL cause a total Reality Failure event by dating SC-Z83, don't ask us how.) PREVENTION-------- Due to their nature, encounters with anomalous objects can result in your untimely scattering of matter across 5 different dimensions. However, recent discoveries can help you prevent such cases from happening, now in 3 easy steps! STEP 1: Identify the danger! Most anomalous effects will not become apparent immeditatly, hell, you may even be transmuting into a large mass of pennies at this very moment! First and foremost, identify the danger. It can be quite obvious that you’re being eaten by a Hydra brandishing a broadsword made from only the finest clam shells, but other times you could have an intelligence eating parasite! (Don’t worry, we’ve confined most of these particular instances to planet RRTH.) Once you’re positive of the hazard, you can proceed to step 2. STEP 2: Escape! In cases of external, physical hazards, run for the nearest SolariCorp approved foxhole. If there isn’t a SolariHole nearby, offering prayer to the malevolent being currently in the process of swallowing your leg may work. If the danger appears to be a duck, quickly fall to the ground and pretend you’re a protozoa. Our tests indicate this will alleviate the danger, don’t ask us how. Unfortunatly, this step certainly doesn’t work on dangers inside your body, would it? In that case, simply skip to step 3. STEP 3: Contact us! By using the mobile phone supplied in every SolariHole, call the number NOT labeled “Pizza” and tell us the nature of your anomaly. Once the call is finished, we will dispatch a group of agents towards your position. Once they’re at your location, they will begin the necessary steps to contain the anomaly. Refer below; Physical, External : Agents will swiftly determine the best angle of attack, and will quickly use their weapons of choice to dispatch the threat. Once subdued, they will escort it into a Third World Planetary Relocation Box (T.W.P.R. and transport it to one of our privately owned planets. Physical, Internal : Agents will swiftly shoot your poor ass in the head, and escort your cadaver inside of a Biohazardous Containment Unit (B.C.U) for transportation into the sun. [DAT4 C0RrUPT3d] : This special category won’t happen often, but in the case that is does…; Agents will swiftly and deftly deploy a large nuclear strike right upside your head, in an attempt to quell the threat, in the case that it doesn’t, the Agents will force quit and go back to base for an ice lolly and a “You Tried!” birthday card. That’s it! You’ve survived (or perished horribly) an anomalous attack! A check will be mailed to you in no less than forty (40) days. If you’re dead, don’t worry, we’ll just send it straight to the appropaite Heavenly Mailman. (Or the Hell Demon.) PLANETARY SYSTEMS------- Here at SolariCorp, we take pride in our private planets which we use to store all your anomalous finds. Don’t worry, we’ve cleared out MOST of them of docile life. We kept the ducks though. Zephron 5- We use this planet to store our low-risk artifacts, mostly level Heta and Jeta artifacts. Most likely our biggest planet, at least physically. Plenty of vagabonds make their home here, luckily our orbital base keeps others from making their home here. Kreton 98- This planet stores some Jeta artifacts, but mostly stores class Keta. Another dangerous planet, not suitable for human life. Spacial anomalies technically make the planet’s surface infinite, and impossible to leave. Great storage for any Celine Dion CD’s you come across. Latos 001- Finally, this planet stores all of our Xeta artifacts. We’ve had to make a space-time anomaly to keep the largely-hostile ones at bay. Most of the dangerous ones are stored in an alternate-timeline version of Latos 001. At least half of our anti-matter munitions points here. Pa[C0RRUPT]: [DATA LOST] mostly contained under the [CORRUPT] …//Subject can destroy most of [LOST]../ Inside the ..// dimension. Currently able to [lost…..//] [DOCUMENT CORRUPT/BACKUPMODEe..] Agent Leon: So what you’re saying is [CORRUPT]? [missing]: Yes. Agent Leon: Why? [DOCUMENT FOUND/CONTINUE DATA TRANSMISSION] Members------ C.E.O- Critanium Please apply below! ------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for considering SolariCorp for all your Anomalous Containment needs! We hope to help you in the future! [TRANSMISSION END. CONSULT MANUAL FOR DATA MALFUNCTION]
(OOC/Announcements page) I'll gladly take requests to solve problems with anomalous materials and ducks, just put em below and I'll eventually get around to it. (I hope) However I cannot guarantee it'll be as big as Headphoner's was. I guess it depends on the size of the request. Update applied, with a bonus I didn't expect.
I've got kind of a duck problem near HeadCo's nuclear warhead research and launching facility. Think you can dispatch them?
Certainly, I'll dispatch Unit One-Alpha-Niner to your facility. ~~AFTER-ACTION REPORT~~ Name: AAR-995 Date: 2/6/9999 Solved: Yes Samples Taken: 2 Author: SC Employee Briggs Upon arrival to the facility, located on planet [CORRUPT], 1A9 quickly identified several species of duck grazing by the pond next to the entrance. After a short amount of time planning their attack, which entailed Agent Dosh flanking behind the enemy, while Agents Marn and Trann provided supressing fire, what follows is a short transcript. Agent Dosh: SC-Command-001, I'm in position. *metallic sliding noise* SC-Command-001: Roger that Agent, standby for the go. *minutes pass* SC-Command-001: All clear on operation Delta-Whisky-One. *Multiple laser shots, several curses uttered by all three agents.* Agent Trann: Oh, Dios mío, que son inmunes a las balas. SC-Command-001: English please, desperado. Agent Trann: They're Immu- Agent Marn: They're Immune to lasers sir! However, despite the attack, the ducks seemed calm, and didn't engage the agents. SC-Command-001: My God... Agent Dosh: Recommend tactical nuclear strike sir. Sc-Command-001: Granted. In the following explosion, only two (2) ducks survived, their pictures are attached below. As for the Headquarters, SolariCorp generously donated one trillion (1,000,000,000,000) pixels to HeadCo's CEO, Headphoner. Duck Sample 001: Analysis of the duck has proven that the duck possesses cyberkinetic implants, purpose unknown. Duck Sample 002: If not played with at least once (1) per day, the duck will somehow split itself into two copies. The later copies [CORRUPT] Requesting status-upgrade to Xeta. Request granted... good god... -Critan
Well, that was pretty needlessly complicated. But at least those ducks are gone. The facility was underground for the most part, so not much harm done. Thanks for trillion pixels to help repair the above-ground damages.
You must not understand how DANGEROUS ducks are. Anyway, check your employees for sterilization though, shoot them in the head and clone them right back if they are. The pixels should cover most of the cloning cost. Hopefully someone will actually have something anomalous to take care of, these ducks are too easy. Also, updated the main page. Dang, it's corrupted. Oh well, just don't bother unencrypting the corrupted parts, they might reveal some top-secret information about our company...
Certainly, you can apply at ou-[DOCUMENT CORRUPTED] ....begin[resup.exe] ...auth = y ...affit ...begindatatransfer ...100% ...opendoc ...docopen ------------------ Agent Byron: What is Patnos 556? Agent Yuni: From what I've heard, it's some kinda reality-bending corporeal entity. Hell, I dunno. Agent Byron: And is THAT why we're using half our resources to contain the damn thing? Agent Yuni: Well, that AND the fact that it- (multiple laser shots.) [missing]: Phew, nipped that one in the bud. HEY. Rogi. Clean this mess up. Rogi: Dude... why'd you kill them? [missing]: Because they were talking about Pat- (Single laser shot.) Rogi: JESUS. You could've used a less messier way to kill yourself, [missing]. (Wet mop sounds and whistling are heard for the remainder of the recording.) ---------------- -nd after you clean the monkey, you can join as a level 1 security agent. Any questions?
No sir happy to get to work sir! *starts whistling as he pulls a mop, bucket, pistol, and holster out of a closet.*
