Scars of the Faithless

Discussion in 'Writing' started by haynesy566, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    Scars of the Faithless

    I studied the fluorescent lights that blandly decorated the ceiling of the small room. I was strapped to a stretcher that was as white as the walls around me. I had lines drawn all over my body, markings of some kind but I knew there was a reason why I was here but can't seem to remember exactly what it was or how I got here. However I do know it all started four years ago after The Incursion...

    As the world older, the technology grew more advanced but time cannot change the way people think. Humanity had begun to derail as world leaders were being mysteriously assassinated. But that wasn't what tipped us over the edge. During an autopsy performed in the bodies it appeared that the only abnormality was a bit mark on the neck that resembled the same as the mythical vampires. Two days after the discovery was made public, their was massacre inside a shopping mall. Over two thousand people were murdered and blood decorated the interior of the building like a bad paint job. Every body bore the same puncture marks in the neck just like the world leaders. Over the course of three months the attacks escalated and eventually entire cities were being wiped out. The remaining sixth of the worlds population went into hiding, bunkers spanning hundreds of kilometres were built and people were forced to live inside. Just as we were beginning to think we had found a safe place, there was a murder. Only this time the killer didn't run away. We found the body of a twelve year old boy laying discarded in a hallway, painted in his blood on the walls were the words "follow the red brick road of truth". Naturally we were too naive as to what we were up against. We followed the blood that was smeared all over the floor and found ourselves at the medical ward where a slim pale man with black hair was drinking the donor blood we kept for transfusions. We approached and ordered him to raise his hand and get on the floor but he just turned and faced us. He grinned and I almost threw up at the sight of his bloody teeth. He pulled out a chair and say down staring at us like we were just something to amuse him. I noticed he had precise scars running the length of his arms and legs, parallel to his bones and two slight scars above his upper lip. He locked eyes with me for a moment and I was surprised not to feel fear, just unease but also a slight twinge of recognition. I opened my mouth to ask what his name was but before I could, the captain opened fire. I can't remember exactly what happened next due to the incredible speed the creature used, all I know was that the team of twenty men were dead in less than two seconds. Except me. I was still standing. I spun around to find the creature facing me, emptiness filled it's eyes. He spoke slowly, as if he had all the time in the world and told me words that I'd come to wish I could un-hear.


    I groaned as the overhead lamps blinded me. "Where am I?" I managed to croak, my lips were dry and my head wouldn't stop spinning. A nurse walked over to me and smiled but said nothing, they must've drugged me because she revealed a pair of gleaming white fangs and sharp teeth. I shook my head in disbelief and felt a pinprick of pain in my lip. I sat up groggily and studied my reflection in the mirror and gasped in shock. My teeth were identical to the nurse's and I had a familiar set of scars running the length of my body. I turned to the nurse, "What have you done to me? Why do I look like a freak?" The nurse walked closer to me, her eyes have nothing away, "I'm sorry sir, but I'm not authorised to give you that information, but I am supposed to be taking you to the man who does so if you could calmly follow me then we can be on our way and you can get your answers" I snarled then stopped, surprised by how aggressive I was, and I followed the nurse down the corridor. The building had no decorations or even windows and the only light was artificial. The nurse turned a corner sharply and we walked down another corridor, the same architecture as the last except this one featured doors to other areas. The nurse was pretty even though she was ghostly pale and had a wicked set of teeth, however I got the feeling she could've killed me any second if she wanted to. I touched my new fangs, surprised by the sharpness. I cut finger but there was no blood, in fact the skin healed right in front of my eyes. I decided not to experiment any further until I knew more about what happened to me.

    We finally arrived at the end of the corridor and found ourselves outside a black door. My eyes strained to look at it because I was so used to everything being white. The stencilled letters on the door read "Professor Vandier". The nurse knocked once opened the door. The room as a normal office aside from the massive painting of an old vampire that looked like it had come straight from the set of Dracula. A man walked out from another room, he was tall, holding a glass of red wine, or it might've been blood, I wasn't sure what was what anymore. "Ah thank you for bringing me our guest, you are dismissed Miss Ashton." The nurse curtsied and left briskly. The man turned and studied me the same way you'd study an item a shop before you bought it. "So I can imagine you have many questions you'd like to ask me, but let me tell you how you got here and why you are here." I opened my mouth to argue but thought better of it. The man smirked but it was not a humorous smirk, it sent daggers through my gut. "Firstly my name is Aldous Vandier but you can address me as Professor Vandier. I understand the night at the bunker when you can face to face with your first vampire must've been traumatic for you. After all, that vampire was a rogue, he wasn't supposed to be there. And more importantly, he was not supposed to be killing the very beings that kept us alive. But let me clear a few things up for you, the underground facility that you called home was designed and built by vampires, by myself actually. We set it up as a conservation zone. To protect the remaining humans from the those that believe killing them all would rid us of our hunger for their blood. The vampire you met that night is an escaped test subject who walked this very facility, his name was Tramere Black, an ex-assassin that we were training to get an edge over the others." I shook my head, "Ok so I get vampires exist and I can believe that, but you are also at war with one another? This is too crazy." Vandier leaned towards me, "This is a very real problem, so I'd appreciate if you be more mature about the situation. I know who you are and I know your background, your family had a history of strong war heroes and Olympic medalists, Peter Hawk, so I knew you'd be the right candidate for our new experiment. Both you and Tramere are part of an project that I like to call Operation New Horizon. It's a complicated procedure which has allowed us to create the perfect hybrid between humans and vampires. If you run your hand along the back of you neck you will notice a serial number that was assigned to you. You are our property now Mr Hawk, and I am very pleased to welcome you to this facility, the headquarters of the New Humanity Division."


    Tramere glanced at the ruined sky, it should've been blue and radiating the sun's warmth, but instead it was covered by a thick blanket of Hell's Breath. It was a scientific marvel, crafted by the top scientists at the Balkan Institute. Hell's Breath was created by a device called the atmosphere calibrator. It enable the vampires to go about their lives in "daylight" hours without being burnt to a crisp. The sky now looked dark grey with red in the thin spots where the sun's rays make a futile attempt to penetrate the blanket. Tramere stopped walking along the street that was still in ruins since the Incursion, the vampire communities cared vary little about the other areas of the world that weren't a part of theirs. Since we had taken over the planet, the vampires had begun building their own great cities, our feats of engineering allowed us to creat entire cities in a third of the time it would take humans. Tramere pulled open the heavy steel door and mad his way inside the tunnel. He was on a reconnaissance task from the Institute and couldn't use any official means of travel within the city. His target was an arms dealer that specialised in custom blades and some people claim he had the power to "enchant" weapons. Tramere knew it was a load of bullshit, vampires existed because of some kind of virus that got out of hand in Transylvania, at least that's the official story. He approached the end of the dark tunnel and opened another steel door, his senses were on high alert. The arms dealer claimed have information about the whereabouts of the New Humanity Division. He had escaped from those human-lovers about a year ago and was adopted by the Institute after an agent witnessed his abilities at a fight he was involved in at a bar. He rounded a corner and found the shop he was looking for, Blazin' Blades. It was a pretty run down shop, located in the part of the city that was still made of the original human structures. The poorer or less important vamps lived out here and it truly was a rough neighbourhood. He opened the door to the shop, a bell chimed as he entered. The target's name was Schoomer, it was a nickname, no one knew a real identity. He walked up to the desk and Schoomer came around the corner muttering a friendly greeting. Before he could even look up, Tramere struck him in a nerve spot with full force, Schoomer was asleep before he even hit the ground. Tramere smiled and radioed his parter, Sylvia. "I've got the target, meet me at the end of Flower Road, it's time to get some intel."


    I walked through the stone passageways located deep beneath the New Humanity Division, following closely behind Dr Vandier and two other vampires, Fraknir and Dra' Axar. Vandier had just finished explaining that the reason the pair had such strange names was because a long standing tradition with vampire kind was a "naming ceremony" where the vampires discard their human names and pick one from the ancient vampiric language. The tradition was still carried on by the vampires created in The Division's experiments. We entered a cavern, dimly lit by the small construction lights that lay around the edges of the cavern. The space was filled with five large rows of wooden pews that were occupied by vampires dressed in a variety of clothing, and a blood soaked altar stood tall at the far end of the cavern. "Are these people all here for my naming ceremony?" I asked. Vandier nodded but said nothing. We walked up the aisle between the centre pews, some of the vampires hissed at me but most sat stiffly in their seats and didn't even look at him. The group reached the altar and Vandier instructed me to lay on it. I reluctantly obliged and grimaced as I felt the sticky blood grab at my clothes. Vandier fasted his wrists and ankles into the iron locks built on each corner of the altar. He took out a ceremonial dagger made of bone. I let out a cry as the dagger pierced my stomach, liquid spilled out of the open wound as Vandier kept slicing until my stomach had been completely disembowelled. Initially I felt heights of pain I never knew existed but after two excruciating minutes I lay still. I thought I was dead because the next thing that happened shouldn't be possible, thin webs of flesh started to knot around the hole in my body and continued to thicken until the wound was completely healed. Vandier smiled like a proud father as he loosened the iron locks, "I knew you'd make it through initiation. Now you must chose a name in which you will be known by all your brethren." I stood up and addressed my fellow vampires with newfound confidence, fresh words filled my mind as though something dormant inside me had been triggered. "Today I was Peter, a mere human of little use to the division. Tonight Peter has died and reborn in his place is the newest member of the Division, I am Navir and I'm pleased to finally walk alongside my bothers and sisters!" The crowd of vampires erupted into applause and cheers, and I smiled as Vandier, Fraknir and Dra' Axar led me and the hundreds of vampires back through the tunnels.


    Tramere shook his head in frustration and turned to Sylvia, "The Board of Directors won't even share information with me when they know it's vital for me to rat out those bastards at The Division. I don't have their whereabouts, how much power they have or anything like that, for all I know you could even be one of them." Sylvia laughed and stroked his forearm, whispering in his ear with a thick Russian accent, "Relax Tramere, you over think these things too much, people need to be able to count on you, you have to keep it together." Tramere nodded and jumped in the driver's seat of the four wheel drive parked outside the hotel complex. Sylvia slunk into the passenger seat and they set off, following the coordinates sent to the from The Founder, a mysterious figure who presumably started the institute and sets tasks for every one of the twelve Elites. Sylvia and Tramere were two of the Elites but they weren't very successful compared to the likes of Lionel Darkwright and Zeke Cole. Those two were the top of the Elites, boasting more than five hundred successful mission and no failures. Most of the Elites worked in pairs, it proved to be far more efficient than going solo.

    After three gruelling hours of driving and listening to Sylvia talk about her past life, they finally reached the Wastes. It was a wild area, sometimes rouge vampires would get caught trying to escape the controlled life that was forced upon the inhabitants of New Chicago. Fluttering rumours told the tale of a small but dangerous group of humans that lived in the rubble, that was part of why Tramere and Sylvia were here. Live humans were a very rare thing in today's world and any that were found would be brought back to the Institute and placed in the Blood Farms. Tramere stepped out onto the dusty ground, the effects of the damaged sky had caused almost all plant life to die. The end result was seemingly endless desert and crumbling cities. Occasionally there'd be lakes, which were poisoned by agents of the Institute to try and force humans nearer to the New Chicago. Sylvia opened the back door of the car and pulled out a gagged vampire, his hair was a stringy mess and his eyes darted around crazily. Thin veins could be seen spanning the length of his face and his figure reflected the deprived lifestyle he lived. Tramere pulled out a pistol and loaded a bullet. He aimed it at the man's face, "You're going to cooperate with us and track down the humans living out here, if you show any sign of resistance I will not hesitate to shoot." Sylvia ripped off the gag so the man could reply, "I swear I don't smell anything, p-please just let me go back to the city. I need more Venom! I'm so hungry, hungry! I need some!" Sylvia fastened the gag back onto him, "Venom addicts are next to useless except for their incredible sense of smell." Venom was one of the most widely available drugs in the city, it made the user have powerful hallucinations of feasting on humans and managed to satisfy the Hunger for a few hours. It also made the user's sight and sense of smell at least twice as good as a regular vampire's. The trio moved our into the dusty hell, keeping a keen eye out for any signs of life...
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
    Lavranzo, Arra, Jareix Cryvix and 2 others like this.
  2. Kaiachi

    Kaiachi Tiy's Beard

    Goddamn. That first story hit me. It's a bit of a cliche, the situation itself, but it was still written in a different and relative way. I can't go into it much right now, but it's very good.

    Scars of the Faithless, however... I'm surprised! I've heard many a vampire story, some better than others, but that one still has me anticipating what will happen. Why was one left alone? What will the vampire say? What were the scars from? I'll try to be patient for more.
     
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  3. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    Thanks, I've just added a heap more to it which should answer some pressing questions :p
     
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  4. Kaiachi

    Kaiachi Tiy's Beard

    Oh wow! That's really neat! I've heard of vampire wars and hybrids before, but this is introduced very nicely! I didn't expect 'conservation' areas built by vampires, or that he would be property to them now! Assassins and everything...brilliant.
    Though, the scars over the arms and bones are curious..I wonder if the automatic healing has anything to do with those scars. Keep up the good work, this is already shaping up nicely!
     
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  5. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    Woo! Thank you, I'm trying to not be too cliche with the vampires and also don't want it to be too similar to the movie "Daybreakers" so hopefully once I do a bit more plot planning it'll be as original as possible
     
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  6. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    Update time for Scars of the Faithless! Time to meet Tramere Black!
     
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  7. Jareix Cryvix

    Jareix Cryvix The Waste of Time

    So far...
    I like this...
    I like this a lot...
    I would love to see more...
    I would love to like this more...
     
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  8. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    There will be moar
     
  9. Jareix Cryvix

    Jareix Cryvix The Waste of Time

    Yisssssssss
     
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  10. Kaiachi

    Kaiachi Tiy's Beard

    Well heck, that was an easy knockout. :rofl:
     
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  11. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    Update for scars of the faithless so ya'll better get reading
     
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  12. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

  13. AfterBurner0

    AfterBurner0 Void-Bound Voyager

    Greetings, @haynesy566 I thought I would come over and take a look at your work. :) So here comes my amateur review:

    First we'll talk form. Having good form is important because it will be less distracting to the reader. I think you have a great amount of accurate description and detail that did not get repetitive. I was able to see a lot of the world. And I will grant that your overall form is better than 90% of everything on places like fanfiction.net, but there are still a considerable number of typos and misspellings. A quick proofread or two would help you out a bit. :) Additionally, dividing up your story into more paragraphs would help a ton. Try starting a new paragraph every time the setting changes, or when a new scene of action begins, or just when your readers may need a breather out of the sea of text. But be sure to keep your transitions as seamless as possible. You don't want to break off the reader's attention span while you still have it! :)

    Next, the plot. In spite of being a vampire story, your plot manages to be unique. That's good. I think you should be extra careful to keep things fresh, otherwise you will quickly fall into cliché. Also, I may speak for some other readers when I say that you should slow down on the plot a little bit! You have things like the "Operation New Horizon" and "New Humanity Division" and the "Balkan Institute" and "The Board of Directors" and "The Elite" and "Blood Farms." It becomes a lot for the reader (or at least me) to keep track of. I recommend making sure everything is given a proper introduction so that the reader can know the significance and the function of each place or organization.

    Lastly, I will mention the characters. I like the distinctiveness of each character. They each have clear personalities. I always struggle with making my characters too similar to each other. However, I was unable to see very much real motivation in the characters. The esteemed author, Kurt Vonnegut, once said that "Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water." Then, if two characters want things that oppose each other, you have a good conflict and an exciting story. So be sure each of your characters always has a clear motive. I also counted ten different characters named in your story. That is quite a lot of people to keep track of. My story is currently 600 words longer than yours, but I have named only four people. One of those four, I named only once. So you need to be sure you manage your crowd well enough to not confuse your readers. :D

    I hope I was able to help! Just keep writing no matter what. I know I was just dismally horrid at writing when I started at fifteen years old. But now I am twenty, and I feel like I am finally starting to get the hang of things. So keep at it! You may start a story and scrap it after five pages, or scrap it after paragraphs. You may start a story and scrap it after five sentences. I know I have started over from scratch at least a million times. But never ever give up!
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2016
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  14. haynesy566

    haynesy566 Giant Laser Beams

    @AfterBurner0
    Thanks for the review! Im glad that you were able to point out the things i need to fix up. As for formatting issues, I am trying to contend with uploading from a mobile phone which proves difficult but all will be well once i get my new computer. I'm more than willing to expand on the groups and organisations mentioned in the story and will do so promptly. Thanks heaps and feel free to read future updates!
     
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  15. AfterBurner0

    AfterBurner0 Void-Bound Voyager

    You're welcome! I'm glad you took it well because it took me like 30 minutes to write. Haha. Ohhh. A phone. That makes sense. Okay, okay. And when you to expand on the groups and things, be sure to do it carefully. By that, I mean don't have 10 paragraphs of nothing but explaining, or "exposition." Otherwise your readers may say "blah blah who cares?" To help your readers get involved with the story, be sure that each character wants something. That gives us the opportunity to take sides, cheer for the character when they succeed, or feel sorry when they fail. It helps create even more intensity (and intensity is good. It's exciting) if the stakes are high for the characters. And make sure the characters' desires sometimes clash against each other (i.e. they all want the same glass of water, but there's only one). This will create more conflict and the story will pretty much just start writing itself!

    And yeah! I'll watch this thread for sure. :) Have a good day, friend! :)
     
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