OOC Ruined: Temple of the Forgotten Empire

Discussion in 'Role Playing' started by Relten, May 29, 2016.


What should I do with this RP.

  1. Continue from where we last left off

    1 vote(s)
  2. Continue after a small time skip

    9 vote(s)
  3. Start over

    10 vote(s)
  4. Abandon the whole thing

    1 vote(s)
  5. Abandon

    1 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    Okay yeah I could have been more clear on that, he doesn't share enough knowledge on himself so that most can't well describe or recognize him and his ghost like movements lead him to be liked a masked miracle, everybody knows somebody is doing these great things but they aren't entirely sure it's him, but that does make sense with the iconic con.and the melee is that he prefers bare handed but knows how to handle blunt weapons.
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  2. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    Why do you have to kill my gunslinger mojo?!

    Lol I'll fix that.
  3. zeskorion

    zeskorion Oxygen Tank

    I beg to differ.
    critsarecool and Jareix Cryvix like this.
  4. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    @quitaren12 That's a fine backstory, but he has no weapons of any sort? Wouldn't he have expected trouble during his long travels, and since he can't keep the best speed for escape, that would make a weapon even more important.
  5. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    Be happy his name ain't Clint
  6. zeskorion

    zeskorion Oxygen Tank

    Name: Ingold Topin
    Race: wverian
    Description: A gray haired wverian, Ingold has intense purple eyes, and a grimace upon his face. He looks young and spry, despite being on the older side. Lines creasing his face as well as his graying hair are signs of age. He wears a tan overcoat, over a normal police uniform. His hands are always gloved, and his face has a large burn on the left cheek
    Backstory: As a young boy, his father, Idraft Topin ,was one of the top kingpins of the wverian mafia, and always a step ahead of the police. He wanted his son to succeed in his footsteps, which ingold hated. His father was abusive toward his mother, and his son. Ingold did not understand, but within him grew a deep hatred. Somehow, he managed to keep a bright, sunny exterior, which infuriated his father. But Ingold still had obtained creases and graying hairs by the age of twenty, from the sheer stress alone. Eventually, he snapped. One day while his father was in a drunken rage, he went down into the wine cellar, spilt all the booze, and lit it up. He exited the cellar, and took his father's favorite gun from the case in his study, and walked into his father's room, killing him.
    He exited the house, sustaining third degree burns to the entire right side of his upper body, as well as smoke inhalation, making his voicedeep and hoarse. Eventually, he found his way into the police academy, his extensive knowledge of the mafia strategy giving him a good boost into the role of a detective. He becomes well known for his brutal and risky strategies, and his always carrying his father's ornate, one-of-a kindevolver, grimy and burnt with use.
    Traits:detective- he can decipher clues easily, and has great problem solving skills
    Good shot- he has very good aim
    Thick skin- he has great emotional and physical pain tolerance
    Infamous- people know who he is, and dont really like him
    Anger issues- he is quick to anger, and his anger is violent
    Ugly sonofabitch- his scars make his face, which may have been handsome when he was young, disgustingly ugly
    [magically stunted]

    Long overcoat
    Police uniform
    Small shiv, stored in the back of his belt
    Finger of Justice- a very large revolver with an oversized chamber. "Inherited" from his father, it can chamber four large calibre rifle rounds. It has a large amount of recoil, and firing it one handed is a good way to knock yourself out
    Police badge
    Wallet (full of miscellaneous ids)
    Keys to his apartment, police station, and his office
    Sixteen extra bullets for his gun
    A pencil and a well worn notepad

    Willpower: 6

    Fixed it up a bit
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2016
    Jareix Cryvix and Captain Kane like this.
  7. Captain Kane

    Captain Kane The Waste of Time

    Alright, I'm preparing a review of the two most recent applicants. Oh boy....
    critsarecool, Relten and HunterC1998 like this.
  8. Relten

    Relten The Waste of Time

    Can you folks please use the [spoiler] [/spoiler] code on your character sheets?

    Side note: @HunterC1998 please use the edit feature instead of double posting.
  9. Captain Kane

    Captain Kane The Waste of Time

    Oh boy, I need to put this one in a spoiler. Quitaren, you're up next.

    Obvious anime trope of stoic but kind type waiting to snap, it’s a good app with some problems that need to be worked out.

    But first, a message to the general populace. LONG APPS ARE NOT A BAD THING. We’ll accept all apps that are done correctly and seem to have effort put into them, but we WANT longer character sheets! There is no such thing as going overboard.

    Okay, so let’s start with things I noticed that are neither bad, nor good.

    “After these rages he has a moment of mental solemness, leading to a lack of perception and attention, during which he breaks his life of silence and often confides in those nearby, forming a bond he would die for. These chosen few know an entirely different man who is free of tongue tiedness and awkwardness, and know he has taken more than one bullet for a good friend.”

    -You put this here because you realized that playing a nearly entirely silent character that can’t make any meaningful connections to the people around him would either be too hard or no fun. This doesn’t need to be changed, but I know what you’re doing. It’s common for roleplayers to give their character some sort of crippling flaw but then an EASY workaround whenever they decide that having a crippling flaw is no longer fun. I know because when I was less experienced I did it myself.

    -The entire backstory reeks of anime, it’s not a BAD backstory, but please don’t go saying it isn’t cliche. It is.

    Now, the bad,

    -Why doesn’t he ever speak? If there’s a hidden reason as to why, I expect it to be PMed to both me and Relten. No secrets from the GMs. If there isn’t a reason, then I’m going to have to question the logic of making him some sort of mute, other than wanting to make a “unique” character. Again, if there’s anything at all about your character not in that backstory, Relten and I need to know.

    -”Ask anyone he has met about him, they will say, "Who?". A natural drifter…” clashes entirely with one of your flaws and one of your traits. Remove either this sentence or both of those characteristics. They are “iconic” and “respected”.

    -”Resourceful: Leave him alone long enough and you will get anything from a deadly tool to a perfect piece of art.” No, no we won’t if we leave him alone long enough. Deadly tools and “perfect pieces of art” require certain components, he can’t go building a gun out of scrap metal or a pogo stick out of discarded plastic bottles. Besides the fact that this trait implies that given enough time he can literally create anything, it’s more or less obsolete anyways. I don’t see this trait having many practical applicants to the RP at all.

    -”Blunt Weapon Specialist: He has no problem using any solid instrument nearby to lay out an unalarmed enemy.” and “Melee Weapon lacking: He rarely uses knives or swords, preferring lead than steel.” ‘Nuff said. Fix this.

    -”2 small tactical pouches” No. You can’t say “either ammo or handguns”. It has to be clear from the start what the pouches contain, or else you could easily decide they have whatever would be most useful in the situation.

    -The guns and the steel vest plate, I think Relten has this one covered.

    -Why does he have a “multi bladed switchblade” if he rarely uses knives? That makes no sense and seems impractical for him to bring along a weapon that he doesn’t like or know how to use.

    -This guy is carrying a lot of kits around, where is he storing them?

    -And now… probably the worst issue here of all. You made this character such a jack of all trades it’s ridiculous. He’s an expert with guns, can craft bullets, and modify weapons, is a fucking doctor, and is a “specialist” with blunt weapons. On top of that, he’s a principled chivalrous human being that NEVER speaks until after he’s entered some kind of berserk rage in which all of his principles fly out the window and goes looking for a fight like some kind of bull. I’m sorry to say this, but that DOESN’T happen. People don’t just “go berserk” and go around trying to kill people because they’re bored. I wouldn’t be focusing on this as much if you had actually given a more fleshed out backstory explaining why is the way he is and how he has so much skill.

    Okay, now the good.

    -The length of the app! I’m so pleased that you put this much effort into the your app, and made it longer than it had to be. Many brownie points.

    -An unorthodox gentleman dressing like a cowboy and using old school tech sounds like a very cool character, but your execution of this was unfortunately what I would consider sub par.
    zeskorion, Jareix Cryvix and Relten like this.
  10. Roland Weiss

    Roland Weiss Tiy's Beard

    Technically they would be called 'shootists' but if you want the old west thing, Colt SAAs, S&W Schofields, and the like could be an option.
    zeskorion likes this.
  11. Arra

    Arra The End of Time

    Im happy Kane didn't evaluate mine.
  12. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    I always was a fan of the Schofield..I think I'll set that
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  13. Jareix Cryvix

    Jareix Cryvix The Waste of Time

    Glad someone's willing to be the harsh critic for this RP.
    I'm surprised mine wasn't totally ravaged for the potential with glassmaking.
    Kaiachi and Arra like this.
  14. Captain Kane

    Captain Kane The Waste of Time

    Hallelujah. Good work here Quitaren.

    As is custom, I’m going to start with the bad.

    -His endurance seems to be a little low to fit with his survivor and adventurer traits, but this is a minor gripe. Change it or don’t, it’s not going to make or break anything.

    -I want to know more about this character! As it is, the backstory is long enough for me to accept the app, but I’d love to see you expand more on Lachlan in the meantime. Tell us about the horrors he witnessed during the Great War, and his friends that he eventually split from, and the story behind him and the wverian girl.

    Now, for the good.

    -FINALLY RACISM DONE RIGHT. Wait, did I just say that? I did. Someone witnessing the cruelness and selfishness of his race and being so sickened by it that he dislikes being around most of them makes sense! It’s something that people can also understand if not relate to. And you never outright said that he hates all humans, simply that he prefers other races more. Well done.

    -That jacket looks fucking awesome, even if I wouldn't be caught dead wearing it.

    -His traits and flaws balance out nicely, nothing makes him godlike and nothing makes him a quadriplegic.

    And now, I have a question. The Great War happened 20 years ago, and I’m curious as to how old your character is.

    I can be nice too
  15. zeskorion

    zeskorion Oxygen Tank

    Thank you for putting what i thought into words without the scathing tone that wouldve given me a warning
  16. Captain Kane

    Captain Kane The Waste of Time

    Aye. Sometimes the line between critic and attacker can be a bit blurry.
  17. Arra

    Arra The End of Time

    Hey, Kane. I would like to learn. So if you want would you evaluate mine?
  18. Captain Kane

    Captain Kane The Waste of Time

    I'll most certainly do so. Give me a few minutes.
  19. HunterC1998

    HunterC1998 Cosmos Killer

    @Capn' Kane Damn you really lay them to the fire don't you? I understand what you mean though. Also I basically never watch anime so if there's a cliché there, don't expect me to recognize it please.
    Ok in the ways of the silence I'm changing it to that he just rarely speaks and tends to stay quiet because his social awkwardness usually leads to clotting up moments where information is needed quickly. Dropping "Iconic" and "Respected", By resourceful, I mean that he can use equipment found or "borrowed" from enemies to fit his requirements or refit to a certain need
    With blunt weapons he is just moderately well equipped to use them, and with the "melee weapon lacking" I meant only that he has little to no skill with bladed weapons, not intending blunt weapons at all yeah I'm gonna change that to "lacking in bladed weapons"
    The multi bladed switchblade, that's just my bad, I meant it as like a Swiss army knife, just a multipurpose tool
    Dropped the crafting kit, and medical skills, (hope you didn't expect him to know how to use a bandaid) and I'll revise the story and work on the character.
  20. zeskorion

    zeskorion Oxygen Tank

    Btw, i redid my app

Share This Page