WARNING: This post contains adult themes, adult language, and lots and lots of words. Thanks for reading! The Volans EDIT 26/12/2013: Updated from the "Jax." Mostly just appearance changed and the biology associated with it. (Thanks to everyone who kicked me in the keister to start thinking a little more creatively about this race! ) The Somewhat Long but Mostly Short of the Volans A very brief summary of the Volans designed for people who don't want to wade through the Volan POV pamphlets or flyers, Volan Q&A, or FAQ section. A lot of the details/structure/peculiarities of race is left out here, though, so if it strikes your interest, please read on to the other sections. The Volans are technologically advanced - ahead of the humans but lagging somewhat behind the Apex. They have remained at their current technological (electronics/engineering) state for almost a century now. This is the result of a stagnant society as a whole. Their basic look and environment, since they have stagnated this past century, is modernistic, with a slight space-age influence. For instance, their armor resembles that of U.S. astronauts and soviet cosmonauts during the space race - true space explorers - only 60s-fied, baby, for extra flare: They were created on a dare by two intergalactic space-faring frat boys. The Volans weren't happy about this. They destroyed their makers and were left with the question: "Well, what now?" The "what now" and lack of any suitable answer basically amounted to severe situational depression that led to mass suicides and drops in the population. Further aggravating population dives, the Volans at large had little motivation to keep producing children. The MRS (Management for Race Security) was enacted and elected into total power over the Volans and their planet Monemai (pronounced moe-nuh-my). They, in their noble goal, were determined to halt their civilization's rapid decline and to help repair it onto a path of regrowth. They succeeded, for the most part. Suicide success rates fell drastically, primarily due to a focus on more technologically advanced surgical and medical techniques. They were better able to bring Volans back from the brink of death. With the population leveled off and under strict control to keep from losing any more numbers, the MRS hopes to colonize other planets in the universe in an attempt to break free of the Volans' "what now" philosophy. (I like the design, but I'm still debating the color) (Better detail of just how much light it incorporates) Further, the MRS is beginning to install and operate underground N.E.S.T.s - laboratory units that breed, raise, and educate the Volans in a way that will help shield them against the elder Volans' post-nihlistic philosophies. These new Volans are the last hope in continuing the race. The MRS recognizes one other option: finding something out there in the galaxy to give the Volans a reason to live again. The Volan environment (towns and such) are dictated by the MRS. Homes and office buildings should be done in cheerful, calming pastels, have lots and lots of natural light, and should be accented with warm red wood (common to Monemai). This represents the MRS's struggle to keep the Volans strong and placid enough to keep going about their day to day lives. The Dens (pubs/bars/social hubs) are separate from MRS' direction. They are often dark and dirty; their walls are composed of tangled masses of metal wire; and neon lights paint geometric shapes throughout the large, secluded spaces. (A night in at the Den) This represents the Volans' old ways - comforts. Revelry in the face of all else, and enjoying each other's company with the knowledge that connected, we matter. It's also a means of freedom from their existential prisons, with a night or two of good drinks, good Den mates, and good music. It also represents the Everyday Volans' (faux) rebellion against MRS and its attempts to help. The Volans are highly technically proficient in almost all fields of medicine, though drugs, mental health, and surgery are foremost. Before Giftgiver and their crew returned to Monemai on their initial journey into space (see POV pamphlet: origin), they touched down on a planet previously colonized by humans. When they reached the surface, they observed that the towns and installations were barren except for one thing: cats. Delighted by these creatures that were at once thoroughly loveable and thoroughly bitter, they captured as many as they could find and took them back home to Monemai. The rest of the population was just as infatuated, and the cats have quickly become an integral, and fiercely protected, way of Volan life. What are the Volans running from? Themselves, though they may not know it. If they're perfectly content with death, why bother trying to create life? That's the problem they face, and the problem they don't really know how to handle. Will they find their answer through colonization and N.E.S.T.s, or through galactic exploration, seeing if there's something to life they've just missed all of these years? Should they even bother trying to prevent the extinction of their race? Or should they just succumb to the inevitable? BIOLOGY AND APPEARANCE The Volans' true faces are hidden underneath extendable flaps. They typically only open these flaps in social situations when they need to see and speak to someone. These eyes are capable of discerning the visible light spectrum. A similar sort of sticky flap system composes the Volans' hands and feet. It's possibly the merits of this system that has aided in their quick technological evolution. The ancillary eyes on top of their heads (eye stalks) can only distinguish the heat spectrum. They use these to easily pick out aggressors in the cold, snowy landscape of Monemai. All Volans have decorative stripe marks on their fleshy skin. From the anterior of their head stalks, tubular growths typically sprout. These growths serve no real function to the Volans anymore (they might have possibly been additional sensory growths in their beginning stages), so they treat them in a decorative manner. The growths have no nerve sensors, so can be molded in any manner desired. Commonly, they are cut (horizontally or vertically), curled, or ironed into fin-like folds. Females have three eye stalks, while males only have two. This is possibly because the females had to have extra heat perception abilities to better protect their eggs in the beginning stages of Volan evolution. The egg sacs of the Volans - with the Volans having grown now to a moderate humanoid size - typically produce from one to three children per sac. The egg sacs, in the beginning, were highly susceptible to predators on Monemai, primarily because of their delectable appearance. This threat reduced as the Volans evolved, first utilizing tools, and then utilizing automated rapid-fire turrets that shot flame-based projectiles. It does take two to tango in the Volan reproduction game, but I'll spare posting the details here. SOME VOLAN SPRITES Prone and silent. Talking to one another. THE VOLAN POV INFORMATIONAL "PRIORITY STARBOUND" PAMPHLET What Can You Do for Your People? An educational leaflet paid for and produced in association with the Unified Office of the Management for Race Security. With a foreword by the acting Director of the MRS, Dr. Targus Softfoot. FOREWORD "Go forth, and multiply!" --- Some book or something. We think. The Volan race has been worn down over the years. Decades of prosperity and knowledge on Monemai have taken their toll, and our numbers now dwindle. It is the hope of the Management for Race Security that this, our grandest undertaking yet, will counter this trend once and for all. Only with the help of individuals like yourself can any of us hope for a continued future for the Volans. For our proud race, our final future is now - in the present. If we, with the help of our citizens, do not act now, this final future will surely become our final past. Thank you, adventurer, for expressing interest in this project. The leaflet that you now hold in your hands was carefully designed to give you everything you need to carry the Volans forward. Contained in its pages are a history, an agenda, and a helpful guide to make your travels in the universe painless and prosperous. Thank you, future hero, for risking your life so that ours may continue. From the entire Unified Office of the Management for Race Security, we wish you success in your endeavors. Dr. Targus Softfoot, H.D., L.D., B.D. AN ORIGIN OF THE RACE: WELL, HOW DID WE GET HERE? "Because, seriously. F*** those guys." --- Starshine Giftgiver, Worldwide telecast following the starship Destiny's return Hello and welcome to this, the Management of Race Security's official Priority Starbound information leaflet. We hope that the information you find within its pages will be of great use to you in your extra stellar travels. As you know, the planet Monemai has been the only home to the Volans for some time. It is where we were born, where we were Constructed, and where we have prospered. That is all changing, adventurer, as you go forth into tomorrow. But, to set foot into tomorrow, we must first travel through the past. In the beginning, there was void. Blackness. Emptiness. There was no place in the vast universe for the Volans; no serendipitous construct in wait. We were nothing. We were without existence. And then, the Makers came to Monemai. The day of Construction was at hand. We were given form. We were given sentience. We were given knowledge. We stretched our legs out into the unknown, planting unsteady feet upon the brand new ground. We rose and we took our place among the stars. Our Construction had come, ushered in by an alien presence. A presence that left us just as quickly as it had arrived. The Volans did not let this gift go to waste. We prospered and multiplied. We expanded our minds and harnessed our world. We felt, and we thought, and we experienced. And, after countless generations, our knowledge and our technical capabilities had returned us to the origins of our Maker's: the stars above. So, it was with great triumph that the valiant hero Starshine Giftgiver and his able crew first traveled out into the universe on the starship Emergence. So many things they saw, and so many experiences they encountered, until finally, they made their first contact with alien life. It was on a dry, desert planet that we met the bird people. We're not really sure what their names were or what they were doing there, because we left soon after, but they seemed amiable enough. It was a really hot planet, you guys. I mean, sweating buckets hot. So hot it makes your clothes stick to your skin and then you start to chafe when you walk. And no one likes to chafe. ...Except for bird people, apparently. Anyway, the Emergence and its crew returned home and reported on their findings. And, it was by this point in its history, our great Volan society had finally seen and done it all. And frankly, we weren't impressed. Thus, the Great Malaise began to spread through our planet like a plague. Left with no hope, no future to turn to, no reason to live, our people crumbled under the weight of their knowledge. Our great hero, Starshine Giftgiver, saw the suffering of his people and wept. He declared, with the aid of his crew, that he would find the reason we needed to keep going. Starshine Giftgiver set out once more into the expanses of the cosmos, this time on the starship Destiny. Starshine Giftgiver set out to find our Makers. And, after many long and arduous years, he did just that. An excerpt of his experience has been taken from his homecoming telecast and reprinted below. "There were only the two of them, compared to our six, but they were large. Much larger than we. Truly, as we approached their position in the great hall of residence, we felt as the babes that we were in their ancient, humbling presence. It was difficult to look upon them, at first. Though their bulbous, convulsing bodies appeared to us horrific, we knew that there was beauty in these shimmering, viscous-covered creatures. These two that had created our place in the universe, their beauty was beyond words. I stepped forward, parting from my comrades, and knelt before the two. Though, it was not out of respect. I knelt because I could do naught else. I fell before my Makers in trembling awe - overcome by the ferocity of love that poured through my every vein. I was a beaten man before them, but still I found my voice to speak. The words were soft, but harsh to my ears as they echoed throughout the hollow space surrounding our two small parties. Even harsher, was the momentary silence that met my greeting and introduction. The two beings looked to one another, full of unspoken wisdom accrued through the ages, and turned back to me. And then it happened. Like a great thunderclap in the Monemai summer, their laughter rang out around my eager form. It did not subside as they spoke. They were surprised by our presence. They had not expected it. But, worst of all, they hadn't once considered us in all the span of the Volan civilization. My ear pods could not believe it. [Giftgiver takes out a piece of paper and reads its contents solemnly.] 'Aw, man, bro, I remember that!' 'Aw yeah, the third day of my 3,242nd birthday bender! Woo!' 'Woooo!' 'Yeah! Hey, little fish, man, we were just joking around, bro. We were just cruisin' around space in my new saucer. You remember that saucer, man?' 'Aw yeah, man. Cherry!' 'Hell, yeah! 'Till I wrapped it around that comm satellite in Delta.' 'Dude. Total bring down, bro. Not cool.' 'Anyway, this wild man here---' 'Yeah! Yeah!' 'Ha ha, yeah! This crazy bastard dared me to put some wings on these spiders that were just chillin’ on the ground, right?' 'Yeah! Ha ha! Woooo!' 'And I was all like, aw man! Aw man, no problem, bro! But then I hefted up that rank seafood you dared me to down, 'member, bro?' 'Ha! YEAH!' 'I don't think it was seafood, though.' 'Naw, man, I don't think so. Ha ha!' 'Anyway, I was all, like, "Well, bet's off, man." And this guy was like---' 'Naw, man! Naw, man, no way!' 'No way! He's like, "Make somethin' out of it, dude!" 'AND HE DID!' 'Ha ha, I TOTALLY DID! And then he was like, okay, okay, now make 'em self-aware! Give 'em consciousness an' stuff!' 'Ha ha, yeah! I bet him a full case he couldn't do it---!' 'He didn't think I could do it!' 'I didn't think he could do it!' 'But I totally did!' 'HE TOTALLY DID IT! Ha ha! We've got a wild man, here!' 'WOOOOOO!' [Giftgiver now folds the paper closed.] So, their jubilance rang through the hall to meet our stoic silence. And I felt a great chasm split through me, down into my very soul; spreading widely as though to engulf my very being. And as I knelt there, watching their empty revelry, I felt a great stirring within that chasm. I felt a bitter, angry, hatred rising up to fill the empty space that had been created. Their joy continued as I rose to my feet. As I drew my weapon. And I sprang forward onto our Makers, slicing into them as their laughter still rang, ultimately living out longer than they two. Because, seriously, f*** those guys. [Giftgiver motions behind him.] I have it on tape if you want to see it." Our people were lost. Our beacon through the storm had been extinguished and the Volans now wandered the unforgiving wasteland alone. As the suicide waves crashed against Monemai's shore and society crumbled, the Management for Race Security was formed and given carte blanche to save the Volans. And save the Volans we did. The MRS, in its eternal ingenuity and panache, has solved so many problems that the Volans have faced: 1. We made dying harder. Sure, you can kill yourself now, but chances are, through the tech and knowledge created from MRS funding, we'll still find a way to bring you back - better than ever! And, with the recently enacted Rehabilitation Bill, once you try it, you'll never try it twice! Our patented ReLife centers and therapy schedules (mandatory for any Tried To Die [TTD] Volan), have been proven to deter further suicide attempts. 2. We made breeding easier. You don't have to do a thing! Simply indicate to your General Practitioner that you'd like to take part in the Generation Bank Program, and help contribute to the longevity of your species! The one time procedure will take less than five minutes of your time and help to populate our Generation Bank. 3. We make raising children easier. In that you don't even have to do it! The MRS will take care of child rearing in our state-of-the-art N.E.S.T. (Natal Establishment and Systematic Training) facilities. You'll never have to meet them, and you'll never know which one's yours! 4. We make living less painful. With the comparatively recent breakthrough in the field of inhibitive medication, MRS historically released and mandated use of Stymex. It's the only medication that will enable you to pierce through your suffocating existential pain and function (well-enough) from day to day. Thank you, MRS! So many great programs and solutions have already been enacted, but too late, it seems. Our population continues to decline, mostly from a lack of caring… about anything. Thus, MRS has been pressed to devise and implement its grandest security initiative yet: the Priority Starbound. WHAT DOES PRIORITY STARBOUND MEAN FOR YOU? "You've got pixels, I've got stuff. Let's do this." --- Comment overheard from a Volan merchant in Grand Kale Market Square First of all, congratulations on reading this far! This indicates to the MRS that you are a prime candidate for the Priority Starbound initiative! My fellow Volan, you might just care enough to save our race. Historically the Volan race has kept to itself on Monemai, despite possessing fantastical technology. Technology that we achieved and perfected way before those stupid, smelly monkeys. We just didn't have any reason to go bounding through space flinging poo at one another, is all. But in recent years, that's all changed. ...Not the poo part, though. We still don't have any reason to do that. Stupid monkeys. The Priority Starbound Initiative introduces three schemes for eligible Volans to undertake in our vast, but ultimately pointless universe: Scheme 1: Planetoid Suitability/Joint MRS Colonization With our most recent advances in the field of baby medicine, the MRS is ready to begin expansion of the Volan race. But with this aim of expansion comes a need for suitable environments. You, Volan, will go forth and find such planets or moons. They will be deemed suitable either from the start or from terraforming. After alerting the MRS, you will begin the colonization process: build towns, sow fields, and localize any Volans assigned to your planet. The MRS, meanwhile will be installing a N.E.S.T. from which to begin populating the planet's surface. Bonus! You get to name any suitable planet that you find and colonize! Wow! Scheme 2: Planetoid Suitability/Solo Colonization After finding a suitable planet or moon, you will begin colonization of your own accord. You will attract Volans to your planet of your own effort. MRS will not install N.E.S.T.'s on these planets due to the potentially high costs. Requirements for colonization accreditation: 20 or more Volans living in your colony. Scheme 3: The Reason Possibly the most important scheme of all, this demanding venture as suggested by the MRS will see you traveling the galaxy without bound. Your mission: give the Volans a reason to live. Find the remedy to our despair, in whatever form, and give us something to live for. And you better make it good. As thanks for volunteering for the MRS and for your people, you will be provided, free of charge: (1) Fully functioning (mostly fueled) starship (1) Basic Priority Starbound starter kit (includes a BRAND NEW matter manipulator; enough food for... a while, at least... maybe; a slightly used weapon of some sort; and, uh... here - you can have this torchlight I found under my desk - I'm pretty sure the batteries are still good...) MRS funding for (1) colony per planetoid The thanks of at least (1) (probably) of your people So, go forth, adventurer. Bring pride back to your race, and safety back to Monemai. From everyone here at the MRS, we wish you luck. YOUR FREE GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE "What's that? You have a question? Well it's a good thing I don't care, then." --- My boss (Dr. F. C. Cockgobblasaurus) It's a large universe out there, Volan, and you are but one tiny, insignificant portion of it. With that in mind, the MRS has compiled this helpful guide so that you make your way Throughout the universe without worry or (too much) death. Let's get started! THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL YOU "Why get out of bed if it's raining? No, really. Get out of here. I'm going back to sleep." --- an ancient Volan proverb 98% of the known universe spends it every waking second thinking about how it can kill you in the most painful way possible. This is proven fact by leading MRS researchers. What isn't proven is that it's possible to not be killed. That's up to you to prove. Good luck. THINGS THAT MIGHT WANT TO KILL YOU A LITTLE LESS "Crawl back into your momma's egg sac, son - you're not ready for this!" --- victory cry heard from a Volan after stomping another Volan in Mossfield Den last Thursday 0.06% of that 98% spends its every waking second thinking about how it can kill you as efficiently as possible. That 0.06% is represented below. Be wary on your travels, adventurer, that you avoid the following races at all cost: Humans - They don't have fur. That's pretty weird. They do have pie, though (both of the fruit and pizza variety), so we can't really fault them. Apex - A bunch of dumb monkeys. They think they're soooo smart. Well if they're so smart, how come they're under brutal authoritarian rule? Huh? HA! Advantage - Volans, suckers. Avians - Those bird people we met that one time, maybe. They wear less clothes than we do. That... takes some effort. Floran - Food and fuel. Very noisy for raw materials. Hylotyl - Holier-than-thou newts. Smell bad. When you punch them in the face, they don't get angry. That's pretty irritating. Glitch(es?) - Our... brethren? I wonder if those two alien douchebags are responsible for them, too... These robots have some really sweet digs, but some really lousy food. Novakids - Yee-haw! YEEEEE-HAAAW! *BANG BANG* *BANG* *BA-BANG BANG* They've got some of the best saloons in the universe, pardner! YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAW! THINGS THAT STUPID PEOPLE MIGHT ASK YOU "No. Just No." --- any Volan that you ever try to talk to Undoubtedly, you will eventually come across some of the races previously mentioned throughout your travels. And unfortunately, you may not be able to either avoid them or kill them without reprimand. Realizing this, the MRS has graciously compiled a short list of questions that these races might ask you, Volan. Remember, you are our ambassador! Represent us well. ...Please? 1. Who are you? Nobody. Just like you. 2. What are you doing here? What are any of us doing here? Wasting time and waiting for death. 3. Hm. Your knowledge of life and its intricacies is astounding. May I, an individual of an inferior race, please be taught how not to be a God damn moron by you? No. But you can have this flyer*. Thanks for wasting my time, jackass. *Please see the attached flyer that you are required to copy via your in-ship 3D printer and keep on your persons at all time (minimum 30 copies) in case stupid people try to waste your time like this. 4. Why are you so grumpy? Why are you so eager to get your ass kicked? 5. Why are you dressed like that? WHY DO YOU WANT TO DIE*!? *We at the MRS have determined in this case, it's morally acceptable to start murdering. THE VOLAN POV SYNTHETIC DIPLOMACY FLYER: DID YOU KNOW...? (Significant changes in this color) Did You Know...? An informational flyer produced and distributed by the Unified Office of the Management for Race Security. SOME FACTS ABOUT THE VOLANS The Volans have transcended nihilism. While most casual observers will classify us as nihilists, we outgrew that child's play ages ago. Seriously. Nihilism is so last millennium. The Volans have a very strict moral compass that guides (what's left of) our lives. However, it can seem fairly random and unpredictable to outsiders. Actually, it's fairly straightforward. We stand for justice, fairness, and equality in the universe - even if it makes us unhappy. For instance: sure, we'll let dumb monkeys wander through our towns and buy our goods at Volan prices, but don't press your luck, simian. We help those in need. Why do you think the MRS exists, after all? We're not like those useless orangutans, remember? Please be polite and considerate of others. After all, we're all in the same boat here, reality-wise. Why makes things harder for one another? Are you a selfish, inconsiderate jackass? Well, a word of warning, then: don't come hanging around the Volans because... Death is a part of life. Most cultures see death as a mournful and solemn event, but the Volans see death for what it really is: meh. Death is just another state of being. The Volans see the individual as a part of reality. Reality can't be removed, and neither can the individual; reality is simply changed. (This is also one of the reasons we're firmly against cloning our population back into a healthy size - reality shouldn't be added or subtracted.) Because of their crippling depression, most Volans that you see will belong to two groups: quiet, beaten, and broken; or really f**king irritable. In fact, it's not uncommon for fights to break out among the Volans over the smallest of grievances. We've learned over the years that the best thing in such a situation is to just let the quarrel run its course. A few years ago, half of the Moremai city of Parsnip was burned down to the ground during a 3 day riot when Volans tried to intervene in an argument. What started the riot? A Volan child wouldn't relinquish his seat on the bus to a granny Volan on the way home from the store. Don't mess around with those granny Volans: they will mess you up. Volans like to fight, but we can't stand the sight of blood. Maybe it's because we don't have any. The sight of the smallest drop sends our stomachs into flip flops. This particular fact makes "interacting" with other, bloody races a little difficult. In that as soon as the damage is done, we're high tailing it out of there. Ew. Icky. Don't be fooled. Once you learn the ropes and get past our crusty exterior, you'll find that the Volans are one of the most amiable races around. And that might be because of... Volan Dens (are awesome). If there's three things Volans love (or at least, really, really like) in this world, it's drinking, dancing, and digging into a tasty guitar lick. And that's it. Those are the three things. And these three things all come together in a traditional location: the Den. A Den is a sort of community meeting place for the Volans, similar to a Glitch tavern or a Novakid saloon. Only better, of course. If you want to get a taste of Volan life and don't mind the occasional Den floor brawl, seek one out and be prepared to belt out a round or two of raunchy Den songs (and buy a round or two of Kaleidoscope Kicks for your new friends). Volans love music. It bears mentioning again: we love to sing and we love to play. In fact, we love it so much, it's almost to our detriment. There was one instance in a small Volan town, where one of the inhabitants began playing saxophone in the market square. The other citizens, being the good Volans that they were, immediately took up their instruments and followed along. All was well and normal until the saxophone musician got so wound up in the music, he began dancing through town, and then through the surrounding forest, and then straight off of a cliff. The rest of the town, being the good Volans that they were (remember?), followed suit - jamming right along until the very last one met his crunchy end. Volans are strictly vegan. We don't like meat. Meat is bloody and fatty and, ugh, I made myself sick. Plus, eating embryos and other creatures' breast milk? Eeeeeeeeeew! We prefer juicy fruit and crunchy vegs instead. That’s probably why we get so tired. Which is probably also why… Volans love sleep. Do you like you to have a good time? Do you like to party and have fun into the wee hours of the morning? Do you like to play loud, blaring music, scream at the top of your lungs, and bang around for apparently no reason when in the proximity of sleeping Volan? If you answered yes to any of these questions, please report to your nearest Volan representative and inform this of this at once. You’ll get, uh, candy, or uh, vuvuzelas or whatever the hell it is people like you enjoy. Thank you. Monemai has short, temperate summers and long, bitterly cold winters. Because of this, Volans have excelled at heating technology. It's how we can stay so warm when we wear so few clothes. It's also why we're more comfortable in snowy environments than super hot bird-people environments. Volans don't like to see other people happy. Hide your joy around us. If a Volan notices that you are content with life, his ire will rise and your spine will soon be waving hello to you from outside of your body. Volans don't like to see other people in a romantic relationship. Oh, how we despise it. When a Volan sees two people cuddling up to one another, our inherent bitterness rises forth and we get super pissed off, you guys. In Monemai, should we be so astronomically lucky or unlucky (depending on your perspective) to find ourselves in a romantic relationship, we hide it away and share this romance only in the privacy of our homes. We do this because we know we should. Or else. It’s very difficult to melt a Volan’s ice cold heart. In fact, we at the MRS aren’t really sure if such a thing exists. Sure, we like our Dens and our music, but we’re not--- DAAAAAW! WHOSE A CUTIE PIE? YOU’SE A CUTIE PIE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YOU’SE A SWEETUMS BABY DOLL! HOO CHOO CHOO! HOO CHOO CHOO, LOVEY DOVEY! LOVEY DOVEY KITTY CAT! ARE YOU MY HANDSOME BOY? YES, YOU’RE MY HANDSOME BOY! YOU’RE MY SWEETIE P--- SOME FACTS ABOUT THE MRS The MRS have tried everything to get the Volans to start breeding again. Tax incentives, free monemaimelon campaigns, posters of puppies and kittens playing together, asking nicely, and even changing fashions in an attempt to hyper-sexualize the population. Nothing has worked so far. The MRS work very hard to keep Volan morale up. This is seen most predominantly in the mandatory use of Stymex pills and Volan architecture. The architecture on Monemai is composed of clean lines, cheerful pastels, lots and lots of natural light, and warm, red wood. The only variation on these architectural themes lies in the traditional make-up of Dens. Historically, they are composed mainly of rich, warm red wood; but recently, the Volan population has been decorating their dens with dark masses of twisted and tangled metal wires and bright neon lights. Since it aids in their revelry, this alteration is permitted by the MRS. Stymex pills are referred to by the general populace as "Mrs. Pills." For obvious reasons. Though the suicide waves have crippled our society, they have been a boon to our medical sector. There have been dramatic leaps in technology and implementation made in healing, TTD surgery, artificial insemination, and the mental health disciplines. Advancements have also been beneficial to non-suicide related deaths, such as liver failure. We have lots of liver failure (the Dens, you know). Or rather, we had lots of liver failure. YEAH! And because there's so much demand for skilled physicians and technicians in these areas, we've become a race of doctors! 48% of Volans have a medical certificate of some sort. This is by far the largest employed sector of the race, with Den employment coming in at 16%, and sitting around and trying not to kill yourself coming in at 30%. Though they sound imposing, the MRS N.E.S.T. facilities are not malicious in nature. We practice the latest in baby rearing technologies, and our continuing research is improving upon them every day. N.E.S.T.'s are where Volan babies are bred from donor material and raised by a skilled team of technicians. This is also where Volan children receive their primary education and receive the skills and knowledge that will gird them against the harsh realities of life. The Volans born in the N.E.S.T. facilities are, at this moment, the last hope for the future of our population. Please leave them alone. Thank you. What does a ReLife center incorporate? Well, to understand that, you only need look at the numbers: 97% of TTD Volans don’t try to commit suicide a second time! Those are numbers we can all live with! But how do we reach those numbers? Well, sir or madam, you've obviously never visited a rehab center before in your entire life, have you? This particular rehabilitation center makes use of trained mental health staff, armed guards, mandatory fluffy stuffed animals, story time, ring-around-the-rosey, and all manner of things that Volans simply cannot stand. Pancakes for breakfast with butter pap smiles, bright, sunshiney music played on loop for 18 hours of the day, and free pony rides are only a few of the amenities that every ReLife center provides. Thank you, MRS! And remember those armed guards we mentioned earlier? Good. Don’t forget them. Our guests certainly don’t. Thank you for your interest in the Volan population. For further information, please see your local Volan colonization or representative.