Story Obstruction [DISCONTINUED]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Tekari, Mar 6, 2016.

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  1. Tekari

    Tekari Subatomic Cosmonaut

    I am no longer updating this. I've written several more chapters, but I don't think they're appropriate for this thread or these forums. If you wish to read them, PM me.

    So uhm...Hiya! Before I begin, I should probably warn everyone that I really want this to stay on-topic. I'm referring to a certain incident involving the deletion of an account some of you may know about, and that being said, if you have something to say or need to ask me about something not related to the story, please do so in a convo. Thank you!


    --
    Hello everyone! So...This is my story...Before you start reading, I'd suggest that you please take note of the fact that this isn't really what you'd call a happy story. Things can and will get dark, and there will be blood. Lotsa blood. If you can't handle that, this isn't really the story for you.

    Chapters are relatively short, I understand that. I'll try to write a bit more in the future (I'm writing this after working on chapters 1-4, chapter 1 being an exception). The story has 'valis, because 'valis. I've tried my hardest to stay true to the lore found on the wiki, but I may have changed some things to make everything fit together a tad bit better. If you're familiar with the lore and spot any major discrepancies in my work, please point it out so I can make sure that I don't make the same mistake twice in the future.

    One last thing - Please be honest when you criticize me. Pick out the small mistakes if you want to and feel that it is necessary, it's not nitpicking. I'm looking for some real feedback here. If this is bad, say it's bad.

    --

    Please make sure that you've read and understood the three paragraphs above before reading this. Seriously.


    Tekari bursts out of his tent smiling, letting his helmet drop to the ground with a *thud* as the brightly colored avali begins singing happily, dancing into the dense foliage of the overgrown field around him-The sun’s gentle light shining onto his face.

    Seeing him nearly lose his footing as a piece of his armor catches a bush as he moves through the field, the young avali known as Tetra breaks from her packmates and rushes over to Tekari before he hurts himself. “Wait up, Tek!”

    Tekari notices the yellow-feathered space raptor running towards him and takes evasive maneuvers into some taller brush, his singing stopping abruptly, lingering in the warm air for a few moments. The ringing left behind from his gentle tune seems to throw Tetra off quite a bit, but after a short while, she shakes it off and dives into the insect-riddled foliage in search of her friend.

    “I swear to Kluex, Tek, if one of these things bites me and gives me some sort of disease…”

    She stops for a moment to listen to her surroundings, unable to find “Tek”. Seemingly, without any kind of warning, a familiar-looking ball of fur pounces onto her, capturing her in a tight embrace and sending them both to the ground.

    Tekari raises himself above her, smiling, “Was that a threat?”

    “Dammit, Tek, there’s leaves stuck in my fur!” she replies, not acknowledging his last statement. “Because I mean, if it was…” he continues. “I found this cute lil’ critter lying on the ground over here…”

    He smiles and holds up a scorpion-like creature, dangling it by the tail a few inches above her face, its pincers retracting as if it were trying to bite her. Tetra’s face nearly turned pale. She pushes Tekari off of herself and rolls away, leaving him and his...Pet sitting on the ground. She takes a moment to catch her breath before glancing back at Tekari, her scowl turning into confusion as she looks back at him.

    “Why...Why the hell are you petting it?”
    “I think I’m going to name him George.”

    Tetra stares at him as Tekari moves his head down to George curiously. “What’s that, George?”

    “What’s he saying?”

    “You hurt his feelings.” Tekari explains, shaking his head, giving her a look of disgust and disapproval. “All because you wouldn’t let him boop your nose.”

    “Is it purring?”
    “‘It’ has a name, ya know.”
    “Why the hell is George purring?”
    Tekari looks down at George, then back at Tetra, a confused look on his face. “He’s not…?”
    “Yes he is, just listen to ‘em!”

    The curious avali moves George within nose-booping range of his ear, expecting to hear the soft sound normally associated with joy and pleasure...Only to feel George’s claw clamp down onto one of his four ears.

    Tetra rolls around on the ground laughing at her friend’s pain as he shrieks loudly, the creature’s razor-sharp talon piercing through Tekari’s ear, slicing through it like tissue paper.

    Tekari painfully yanks George off of his ear, releasing him from his grasp. He reaches up to feel the damage done as his sadistic packmate regains her composure. “Oh god, I’m sorry, Tek, are you alright?” she asks, looking a bit concerned. He shrugs, giving a fake, reassuring smile, looking like he’s holding back tears but doesn’t want to ruin the fun. “Here, let me see it.”

    Tekari scoots over to her so she can get a better look.

    Tetra frowns at the sight, taking note of the fact that a piece of his ear is missing. “I-It doesn’t look too bad.” she assures him, blood dripping onto her paw. “You’re a terrible liar.”

    She slowly pulls the space apart, making him wince as she tries to examine the laceration further. “You’re gonna want to have Doc check this out...Sorry, Tek.” Tekari nods, staring into space.

    “Come on, we should head back.” She states, grabbing his hand and starting back to their camp. The trip was silent apart from Tekari’s soft humming. When they finally reached the settlement they were surprised to find their two other packmates missing. “H-Hey, Tetra?”

    “Hmm?”
    “Where’s Doc and Red?”

    Hours passed.

    Both of them had expected them to be back by now-They weren’t even supposed to be gone in the first place. At sundown, a fire was lit - A duty usually reserved for the self-declared “head of the pack”, Red. “Do you think they’ll be back?”

    “S-Sure they will, Tek! They’ll be here soon.”

    Another hour passed.

    All they could do was watch the fire and look up at the stars. Stargazing was Doc’s thing. It was a hard night for the both of them, they slept in the same tent together. The next morning, they fished together. Then they poked at the fire and looked at the stars. Then they slept together.

    Then they would start over.

    After twenty long, excruciating days had passed, they both had come to the realization that their beloved packmates were gone. They didn’t know where they had gone to, but they knew they were gone. The both of them watched each other closely, secretly knowing the other was going to break sooner or later. And once one broke, the other would, too. They hadn’t spoke to each other in weeks. Until now.

    Tekari watched Tetra poke at the dancing flames of the campfire intently. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It had been awhile since he last spoke to her. He tried again.

    “H-Hey, Tetra?”

    Her head snapped up at him, almost looking surprised at the fact that he dared to speak to her after all this time. It almost seemed disrespectful.

    “Wait here.” he told her, running into their tent. Tetra stopped what she was doing and tilted her head at the tent curiously, wondering what he was up to. When he came back holding and old acoustic guitar, Tetra couldn’t help but smile. They were both tired. Lost. Looking for a break...And thanks to Tekari, they were able to find what they were looking for together.

    Tekari sat down next to her, playing a soothing, effervescent tune-allowing Tetra to join in when she could. “Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars…” Tetra sung, chiming in mid-way through the song like she had done many times before, only this time Tekari stopped. “A hundred billion and one, counting you.”

    Tetra laughed, “Tekari, please, that hardly even makes any sense.”

    The rest of the night was filled with music, laughter, and joy. Any thought or memory of Red or Doc was quickly dismissed by another joke or tune. Everything was perfect...Until a few hours later during a conversation about astrophysics. The sound of a branch breaking, coming from a bush behind Tekari had caught Tetra’s attention.

    Tekari catches her gaze and glances back at the bush. Unable to see anything, he turns back to look at Tetra. “Something wrong?” he asks. “Didn’t you hear that?”

    “Hear what?”
    “The branch cracking behind you.”
    “Yeah, what about it?”

    Tetra stood up abruptly and began to walk towards the forest’s edge. “What are you doing, Tetra?”

    “There’s something in that bush.”
    “It’s probably just some small animal.”

    “N-No, I saw something.” she replied, getting closer.

    Tekari walked over to her, stopping a few feet behind her as she looked through the bush. “H-Hey, Tetra, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you…” he says, blushing lightly, nervously gripping his arm and swaying back and forth. She turns around to face him and smiles at his current mental state. “What is it, Tek?”

    Tekari takes a few steps towards her. “W-Well...Uhm...I really-” he’s cut off as a large, masked man-seemingly a red-feathered avian-catches Tetra off-guard from behind the bush, dragging her into the forest with inhuman strength. Tekari takes a short moment to process what he just witnessed before diving into the forest to pursue Tetra’s captor.

    He hears a faint voice call his name to his right, forcing him to change direction. “Tetra?!” he calls out desperately, listening for a response but to no avail. “Where is she?” he thinks to himself, picking up his pace. His eyes begin to well up-Branches, thorns, fallen trees...He was determined to get past any obstacle that tried to get in his way. There’s a light up ahead.

    Tekari loses his footing for a moment slipping in something. The path ahead is too dark for him to notice the purple substance coating the surrounding trees and forest path. He was almost there, he could see it! The light! It’s getting bigger-closer! Just a few more steps and…

    He breaks into the clearing and immediately falls to his knees, jaw dropping in awe at the horrible sight that lies in front of him. He’s shaking now, but is unable to take his eyes off the sight of his fallen comrades. He could just make out their faces in the light...Light from ominous torches hanging from the surrounding trees. Doc...Red...Tekari’s eyes move away from his now dead packmates, their severed heads on pikes, surrounded in pools of blood. But then he sees something out of the corner of his eye...A lifeless body belonging to a yellow-feathered avali...It was her.

    It was Tetra.

    He could barely make out the silhouette of her corpse in the dim-lit clearing. It was an awful sight-her legs stretched out in front of her with her hands at her sides...Her head tilted towards the ground.

    The fragile avali exhales a shaky breath, weeping softly as he stands and kneels down beside her.

    “H-Hey, Tetra…? There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…”


    “...I really like you.”





    Tekari listened to the sounds of the forest carefully. He was trying to distract himself from his own thoughts...After what happened last night, he knew things would never be the same again, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t forget about her. He had spent the night ruminating about what had happened with his packmates. There was nobody left to talk to.

    He was alone.

    Things were unusually quiet that morning. It was an odd feeling, really...With everybody gone, he was able to hear things a bit more clearly. The birds chirping, the crickets...Things he had never noticed before. There was never a time when they (his packmates) had stopped talking, for there was always something to talk about, from the forest around them to their wonderful music.

    The feathers around Tekari’s eyes were still damp from the tears his breakdown had left him with. Deep down inside of him he knew that that breakdown wouldn’t be his last. He was going to be living through hell. Over time, these attacks on himself would become more frequent. More violent. They will become a part of him.

    He won’t try to resist these episodes, either. And who could blame him? He was an avali. He relied on his packmates to give him a reason to keep living. And now he had none.

    Or did he?

    Tekari suddenly sprung up from the forest’s floor and ran back to his tent, his legs nearly giving out from beneath him. He hadn’t moved in hours. Hours that felt like days.

    Once he reached the camp he began packing - Medical supplies, weaponry, and some food. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. There was a fire brewing inside of him. He’s going to find them. Him. Whoever did this to her. He is going to pay. Suffer for what he has done to Tetra and the others.

    Tekari picks up his rifle and helmet and starts back to the scene that had changed him for the better. The blood on the trees send a chill down his spine, forcing him to slow as he approached the clearing. He tightened his grip on his gun and on the strap of the pack slung around his shoulders as he takes one last look at Tetra’s body...An image that has scarred him for life. One would think that having to look at such a sight again would cripple someone, but for Tekari it only added fuel to the fire burning within him.

    This was the start of something brilliant. And adventure fueled by anger and courage...He was seeking revenge. Revenge he would get. He needed this. She needed this. Doc and Red needed this.

    Tekari placed a feather on Tetra’s chest and set off into the forest to begin his journey. There was a civilization not too far from his camp, and he was hoping to reach it by sundown.

    It had taken Tekari hours to pluck one of his feathers for her, a process that felt like he was getting shot in the chest repeatedly. He had a very low pain tolerance.

    Tekari had reached the forest’s edge a few hours later, the warm air of the plains that lay before him caught him off-guard...he hadn’t been this far out before. He smiles and starts walking again, gun in hand.

    The land stretches on for miles, reaching out to the horizon. It was a wonderful sight, one like no other. He had never experienced something like this before, and it made him happy. He could just make out the city’s buildings off in the distance. This adventure has a new desire. Curiousity.



    Tekari was able to reach the town’s first few buildings earlier than he had first expected. Seeing the vacant homes had slowed his stride down to a mere stroll, and he came to an abrupt halt outside an ominous-looking one-story building. Something was different about this one...But why? It had looked the same as the others. He carefully studied the building’s exterior carefully, comparing it to those around it. It was in fairly decent shape compared to the others, which looked like their old, wooden walls were meant to have been left to rot and mold on purpose.

    Before he knew it, Tekari’s inquisitive nature had him through the home’s door in moments. Who was going to care that he was exploring a vacant building, anyways? He set his pack and gun down next to the door and looked around. It was dark, and the home had only possessed but a single solitary room. He looked around at the objects that decorated the abode. There was a bed, desk, and sink. How does one live like this? he thought to himself.

    Tekari removes his helmet and approaches the desk, opening it to reveal its contents, only to feel the cold metal, belonging to that of a barrel of a gun being pressed against his neck. He gulped, frozen in place as the man behind him spoke in a dry, but low voice that sent a chill down Tekari’s spine. “Who are you?” the man asked, his voice stern yet quiet. It was but a whisper, but the man’s voice had possessed such a monotonous feel to it that it had made the timid avali shiver in silent fear-he was petrified.

    Tekari had begun to move his head to face the man only to be stopped by his voice yet again. “Don’t turn around.” the man ordered, but not in an angry voice - no, for he spoke with an almost questioning tone as if he had been lecturing a child. “Who are you?” he asked again, raising his voice suddenly in such a way that it had made Tekari jump. “T-Tekari” he responded shakily.

    “State your purpose, avali.”

    “L-Look, I’m sorry, the door was open and I was just curious! I-It won’t happen again, I swear-” Tekari’s voice is cut off as he hears the man’s gun click as its hammer is pulled back, the firearm ready to end his life. He knew he had to act, and he had to act now.

    Tekari screams out and grabs hold of his helmet, spinning around to swing the hunk of metal at the man’s head, only to find that it was out of reach, for the man was much taller than he was. He gasps as the man catches his wrist mid-swing, squeezing it harshly, forcing Tekari to let go of the helmet as the man’s other hand lets his gun drop to the floor so he is able to catch Tekari’s headwear.

    Tekari squirms helplessly under the man’s grasp. He watches as the man turns the helmet over, examining it carefully while the avali desperately tries to free himself. “Hmph.” the man mumbles, seemingly finished with his examination. He directs his attention back to Tekari, tilting his head at him in awe as if he hadn’t noticed that he was trying to escape in the first place. “Pathetic.” he mutters, shaking his head at Tekari.

    Tekari was able to get one last glimpse of the man...A red feathered avian...Before the man swung Tekari’s own helmet back towards him, striking him in the head forcefully. The impact was enough to send the avali hurtling towards the wall with such force that it had made him lose consciousness for a second.

    When he came to several seconds later, all he could do was cry out helplessly from the floor as the man began to approach him with such heavy strides that he shook the floor. He couldn’t see out of his right eye, his head was in a great deal of pain, and a pool of blood was forming around him. The man had no doubt crippled him, and had probably bashed part of Tekari’s skull in judging by the size of the gash on the side of his head. Tekari shook as he watched the blood leave his body.

    The man knelt down beside him, smiling. “You tried, I’ll give you that. Eh-Your...Other packmate...Tetra, was it? She didn’t put up much of a fight...But you!”

    Tekari’s head reeled back, the man’s booming voice deafening his sensitive ears.

    “You’re somthin different, Tek...I might even keep you as a pet.” The man began to laugh wildly, ‘playfully’ splashing blood on Tekari’s face and into his eyes as he gets up and walks away. Tekari shuts his one good eye, slipping into a deep slumber as the sadistic avian returns, throwing a blanket around him, wrapping it around him so tightly that he couldn’t move...Not that he could in his current state, anyways.

    That was the last thing Tekari remembered seeing before his mind left the world around him...Leaving behind all of the pain and suffering he has been forced to endure up to this point.

    He could finally get some rest.


    I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.

    please be gentle
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2016
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  2. Jonesy

    Jonesy Sarif's Attack Kangaroo Forum Moderator

    So, I've had a read, and here's what I have to say.

    Chapter 1's title is a bit vague.

    Why is an Avali talking about Kluex? This isn't necessarily a criticism; I'm just not familiar with their lore.

    You might want to go back and check your line spacing and descriptions of who is speaking at a given point. I can see at least a couple of parts where it's unclear.

    The "I really like you" at the end of the first chapter seems really underwhelming for a posthumous declaration of love. For something so tragic, I think a full "I love you" is warranted for the ideal audience reaction.

    Early in the second chapter, you use 'they (his packmates)'. I'd say just make it 'his packmates', since you shouldn't have to clarify yourself like that. You can be somewhat subtle in making sure the audience knows who you're referring to.

    'Deep down inside of him he knew that that breakdown wouldn’t be his last. He was going to be living through hell. Over time, these attacks on himself would become more frequent. More violent. They will become a part of him.' - Considering that he's seemed remarkably composed up until this point, I'm not sure what this is referring to. Something also seems a bit strange about how he's thinking about his mental state deteriorating so far in advance. Especially when he actually hasn't done anything really violent, like self-harm or destruction of nearby property.

    'Tekari placed a feather on Tetra’s chest and set off into the forest to begin his journey. There was a civilization not too far from his camp, and he was hoping to reach it by sundown.

    It had taken Tekari hours to pluck one of his feathers for her, a process that felt like he was getting in the chest repeatedly. He had a very low pain tolerance.' - You may wish to rearrange this, so that all the feather stuff is in the same paragraph. Reads easier that way.

    On a side note, the phrase 'felt like he was getting in the chest repeatedly' seems to be missing a word after 'getting'. 'Stabbed' would be the ideal addition.

    Chapter 3's title spoils chapter 3's contents at first glance. It turns out it's lying.

    The way he's bleeding, Takari is going to die of blood loss unless his captor patches him up immediately. Even if you're ending on a cliffhanger where it's unclear if he survives (although in chapter 3, it's kind of a given), it needs to be at least somewhat believable that there's a chance of him surviving. That's not necessarily going to happen when he's lying in a growing pool of blood and has a head injury that has rendered him blind in one eye.

    Other than that, it's shaping up rather well.
     
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  3. Tekari

    Tekari Subatomic Cosmonaut

    Avali religion is never actually stated, just a short mention of Kluex in the wiki. From what I could gather, it's quite rare to find an avali that shares the avian religion, so I added that to Tetra since it was somtin special.

    I thought the "I really like you" would add to Tekari's character. That's what he was going to say before he was cut off, so I carried it over. He's timid, even though sometimes he tries to act like he's not. At that point he was still treating her like she was alive.

    I think every 'vali is aware of the fact that the loss of a pack member can cripple them, and Tekari had lost three.

    If I can quote the wiki:
    "Packs who have lost members are akin to disabled humans; that is, they are crippled. Though lone Avali can integrate into new packs after adulthood, it is rare for such Avali to ever achieve the same strength of bonding as they had in their original packs. Under rare circumstances (such as mental illness or irreconciliable dissonance between members), an Avali can be ejected from a pack while still living. This is usually a measure of last resort, as Avali left without a pack and unable to join a new one can quickly become unstable and eventually go insane from the isolation."

    Coming to the realization that the thought of going insane might be his last helped Tekari find a reason to keep living, making him try to avenge his packmates.
    Someone pointed that out to me after I had already pasted it into the thread's draft and I forgot to fix it. My bad.

    I'm...Kinda guilty of somtin here. I was hoping that that connection between the reader and Tekari was strong enough at this point and I had given readers a reason to root for him so much so that I could exaggerate the situation to bring out the reader's emotions.


    I'll tinker with a few things and have it fixed up soon, just thought I should explain my reasoning behind certain things. Looks like certain parts aren't turning out as I had hoped and need changed. Thanks for lookin at this, Jonesy!
     

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