Critique (or create!) Your Character!

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Combozone, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    So people have been asking me to critique their RP characters (or just characters in general).

    This is a thread where you can post your characters, and I (or maybe someone else :D ) can hopefully find out what's right or wrong about them, and what you can do to improve it!

    Or, if you just want to know how to exactly create a character, I can help you with that too!
  2. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    Ah. These posts. I love them. Hmm... what about this?

    >Alan James H(eraldiño). Hollander
    >25 years old
    >Captain of the U.S.C.M. Vista I.
    >Has a dæmon named Valesicia, or Cia. A female bunny with a penchant for a top hat.
    >He was a universe jumper because of his relatives until he decided to take on the Protectorate. However, due to [INSERT STARBOUND STORY HERE], he had forgotten his origins until he and his crew, which was him, an Apex, Avian, a Floran, and a Hylotl, found themselves on another world. There, he realizes why he has a bunny who always is beside him, and decides to go back to the world where he got his crew.
    >His equipment include, not limited to, a functional alethiometer and a spear
    >If seen in-game, he always wears baggy jeans and a hiker's shirt as well as a spear tied to his back. Usually, he wears a flower on his head unless he's on a rush.
    >He also likes bon bons.
    D.M.G. and Combozone like this.
  3. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    Alright, so a couple of things:

    • What sort of personality does Hollander have? Give him some basic characteristics (such as optimistic or depressing), then build from there.
    • I don't see any particular strengths or weaknesses here. Is he too brash, what are his fighting skills like, etc.
    • Because you have a future story that will appear sometime soon, I will forego the "develop a background" advice. Make sure you still do it, though.
    TL:DR: Add some personality and character to this man, maybe explain the daemon you have.
  4. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    Right. Right right right. Hmm... I have 62 OCs after all. I modt of them just have name, age, gender, race. Haha. Let's see... if I'm not wrong about him through my currently-replanning-book...

    Alan James is slightly resourceful, appreciative of things, and is slightly nuts when discovering new things (the book I was planning had him know a completely different from the Protectorate-world he knew and instead had Asra Nox as the good guy). Battling style... uh... never knew you need one. Huh... he likes spears but he more or less uses ranged equipment because he can't swing and throw properly. Oh, too soft to kill anyone unless really mad.

    The dæmon needs no explaining because if I explained it I may have to explain the His Dark Materials series. So... in short, his physical soul manifestation.

    Does it work now?
  5. Crossfang

    Crossfang Supernova

    I think you should put this thread in your signature. This thread will be helpful to RPers out there.
    RowanEx and Combozone like this.
  6. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    I don't necessarily need a fighting style, I just need to know things that he is good and bad at.
    Alright, that daemon explanation works for me.
    Otherwise, looks pretty good!
  7. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    He's good at finding things, ranged stuff, and being the odd leader.
    He's bad at being calm when needed, he's also a bit... eccentric... and also bad at choosing good equipment but he still somehow gets a good side of a battle. And NEVER mention the name Adrian because he goes mad.

    Does it look good now?
  8. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    I'd need to see it in action to confirm if it would work out, but it looks good on paper.
  9. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    I.... I see. Let me fabricate it for a moment. Probably while on it, continue my MLP fanfics.
  10. Tuliup Man

    Tuliup Man Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Ok, well here goes...

    >Name: Tuliup Man
    >Race: Floran
    >Literacy: Barely
    >Story: He just barely got out of his boarding school for the uneducated saplings with a grade to get out. He hates his green finger for making him do such a terrible task. Once he got out of school he began to do things that he enjoyed. These things included Hunting, stabbing, and smashing. He became proficient with everything he picked up. (One time stabbing a hulking 3 eyed beast with a ball point pen. Killing it via ink poisoning) he then grew tired of hunting. So he decided to look for what other... more pacifistic florans did. Strangely enough he found himself to being in space. Even with a ship. He eventually began to hire florans like himself and eventually, they just began their merry way through space trying to find how to have fun... ( with more stabbing and hunting though)
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2016
  11. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    Well, let's see here:
    • I like the name (Florans in particular I think should have funny names like that).
    • He's good at being what all Florans are known for; combat and survival. Does Tulip have any other skills or traits that might distinguish him from the others?
    • I'm sure this is an actual SB character you have, so I won't ask for a picture of defining details or something like that. (It's always good to have anyways!)
    I can't think of anything else right now. You did pretty good!
  12. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    Speaking of this, let's see about this girl...

    Name: Lily "Twinkle" Heins Xavia
    Age: 30 (though also appears somewhere as a 7 and a 14)
    Gender: Female
    Species: Unicorn-hybrid Temporalian
    Backstory: [STORY 1], then when she was 14, she found a left fingerless glove and a seed which she ate, and the next thing was that she had a clockwork watch connected through her nervous system. Fast forward, she joined a multiverse security group, and now she jumps universes.
    Picture of Reference:

    Other Notes: She a bookworm, an acrobrat, a witch, a queen, and also quite the hyper when she sees something new.
  13. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    Alright, let's go over it:
    Name: Plausible, sounds like something I could hear without barfing
    Gender: Assumed
    Species: Interesting, but not my type. (Still, good job.)
    Story was nice, will take more time to read it later.

    Question: Is the clockwork watch attached in some way to the fingerless glove?

    All in all, well done! You have passed the (fairly easy) test of character!
  14. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    No. It's connected to her nervous system, her spine!
    (all Temporalian are; one of my status comments explore this fact)
    Combozone likes this.
  15. Tuliup Man

    Tuliup Man Scruffy Nerf-Herder


    Also what 14 year old eats a random seed off the ground... I mean I guess she wasn't the brightest of the uh... Unicorn-Hybrid Temporialian... also what race is that???? What makes her a unicorn hybrid, she looks like abnormal human to be
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2016
  16. RowanEx

    RowanEx Pangalactic Porcupine

    Temporali, in a nutshell, are people with pocket watches connected to them.
    And she's a unicorn-hybrid because when she was still human/before she ate that seed, she got really sick and needed g.somethin
  17. Surenu

    Surenu The End of Time

    Old character of mine, last played around 2013:

    Name: Is'Ka-Key
    Gender: Female
    Species: Key'Shin (homebrew o' mine)
    Age: Noone is quite sure since recordkeeping on her homeworld is murky ast best due to ongoing hostilities between several larger nations. Assumed to be in her late 90's in human years, looks no year older than ~18 to most though. That's just theit thing though, they age very slowly.
    Defining characteristics: Traditiontal tattoos all over her body that detail the story of her deeds and her clan's. Most recent one is the Mark of Honor, which gives her name the -Key honorific and makes her a champion to the gods themselves in their belief.

    Is'Ka was born to the tribe of Ka, nomadic traders and slavers that roam the various kingdoms of Eternal Winter, which, you might have guessed, is mighty cold. Key'Shin evolved for the cold, so all's fine and dandy. After witnessing a battle between Kadalûn royal forces and an heretical cult in the wastes of Saâd-Sanadûn, she knew her calling lied elsewhere. She thus started out as a mercenary, protecting and attacking other merchants to make a name for herself and to afford proper gear. Turns out, she was even better at stealth maneuvers than most other Key'Shin and soon got the nickname "the lurking flame" (Fire is closely associated with death in Key'Shin language). That was when she inherited her father's old sword, a weapon she carries with her til this day.

    Much later, she aroused the interest of General Jo'Run, who led Kadalûns elite cadre into battle, assassination missions, sabotage etc. Turned out, that was just her thing, and the elite cadre with their newest addition could turn the tides of many battles that would have otherwise resulted in catastrophic casualties and loss of territory by eliminating key personell, using psychological warfare and the occasional huge bomb on a bridge.

    Her fortune should not last though. A rare mutation was found in her during a boardig maneuver against a South-Africa-Coalition warship in orbit - unlike other Key'Shin, 'heat' (i.e. everything above +10°c) did not harm her - other Key'Shin get more and more sluggish, think slower and generally feel like they're drunk out of their minds. Quickly, the seven high priests of the seven gods were assembled, and they ruled it to be a curse. They declared she had to be banished.

    She was mortified, but accepted her fate, vowing to return a true heroine. Easier said than done though in a galaxy ruled by petty conflicts about resources, where honor has no place outside of Key'Shin worlds, or at least she thoughts so. She joined a gang of human mercenaries from various nations, and, despite her initial xenophobia, became a valued part of the team. Eventually, she would manage, with backup by the party, to intercept a battleship with nuclear weapons on it headed for Kadalûn in some really convoluted conspiracy. She was then allowed to return, got the mark of honor and lived happily ever after. (No, she didn't. She was later on killed in a very heroic way).

    Is'Ka-Key was, personality wise, not always the same - starting out as an enthusiastic young girl who saw her calling in the path of Key'Vunat, the god of war. Hundreds of battles, thousands slain dulled her personality, making her a silent killer and pragmatic leader who only saw death or dishonor. She had some friends back then whom she opened up her softer side to (such as really fancying one of the Lieutenants she served with), but those were rare. After her banishment, she became a mixture of depressed and curious, with her ambitions clearly in front of her but no idea on how to start. It was then that she made her first human friends, and even though she initially despised the 'lesser races', she found out they could help her in ways she could not help herself and vice versa, and thus, she opened up to them.
  18. D.M.G.

    D.M.G. Master Astronaut

    Here's mine :D

    Name: Frag (pseudonyme)
    Age: 23 (I think so..?)
    Race: Human
    Gender: Male
    Background: Very few is known about Frag, except for his reputation as the Gunsmith. He's said to have hacked through the databases of the weapon-producting society, such as Necrolix, Graxus, and Xia-Li. Since that, he's hunted by those society, wether because they want to kill him or to hire him. However, due to a space-time problem, he was warped into an alternate dimension, two years older, without his crew, and in an unknown ship. He's currently searching for a planet to settle his workshop.

    Apart from that, nobody knows his real name, but he got quite a reputation for being able to create weapons out of nothing, even tho he can do it more efficiently at his workshop.
    Personnality-wise, he's quite a happy-go-lucky one, and there really few things that can get him mad. Due to his distract side, he manage once to build a bananazooka, which was surprisingly deadly.
    However, there's a rumor saying that he built a weapon capable of litteraly wiping anything living in it sight...

    If you ever get to cross his path, he's most likely to cheerfuly ask you if you want any kind of weapon :D
  19. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    @Surenu I really have nothing bad to say about this. You've got a strong backstory, unique quirks to back it up, creative usage of the typical "banished from homelands" trope, and you even know what you're doing with the character afterwards!
    10/10, would love to see more characters from you again.
    Surenu likes this.
  20. Combozone

    Combozone Existential Complex

    Now this is one I can edit.
    • He has a reputation of "creating weapons out of nothing." Just how does he do that? Is it just myth, or does he have some sort of gizmo/invention that lets him do that?
    • He's a gunsmith, but also a hacker, it seems. Was he known for hacking at all prior to his smithing, or was it something he picked up just for the weapon specs?
    • "Due to a space-time problem, he was warped into an alternate dimension." It's fine if you don't do this, but I would like to know what the problem was, why it was caused, etc.
    Work/rework through these things, and I'll take another pass at your character.
    D.M.G. likes this.

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