Well, this fiction is something I just decided to do a few days ago. I was surprised how well the ideas seemed to flow out of me. It WILL be novel sized, and this first post is just going to be a teaser. It occurs much, much later in the story. It's actually quite important to know this part first. I want you guys to want to know what leads up to this point, I want you to think about what will happen after. It's NSFL, (Not Safe For Life) because it will have blood, it might have mature themes (Not sexual), and will have a plotline that most people might not feel comfortable with. Genres: Action, Romance, Adventure, Comedy. Again, this is not for the faint of heart at reading. It is long and I beg you not to be intimidated by it. Without Further ado, here is my teaser. TEASER: Rift "Excellent. All according to plan." These words were being spoken by a clean-shaven gentleman. He was standing on the large observation deck of a spaceship, staring out the reinforced, hybrid glass windows. The sight he was gazing at was a planet, not much larger than Earth, and it appeared to be on its last leg. There were massive lightning storms circulating the green and brown planet, made only worse by the layer of gas in the atmosphere around it. "Fire." He ordered coldly. As soon as those words escaped his lips, a smirk crept across them. Quite an evil expression it was, as the otherwise quiet solar system erupted into noise. It started off as a low hum, but it quickly escalated into a high pitched whining noise. From somewhere above the observation deck, a gigantic turret was focusing a beam. The beam started no thicker than a thread, and gradually got thicker. Once the beam reached the width of a tree trunk, a crashing noise emitted from the weapon. The beam intensified, until suddenly the weapon fired a pulse of pure energy. The pulse traveled down the beam, further and further towards the planet. When it reached a point 50 miles away from the planet, the beam narrowly missed a shuttle. The sheer force of the energy tore the ship into a few large pieces. The pulse finally reached the planet, and struck the surface of it. There was an eerie calm just as it struck the planet, where onlookers might have actually believed that nothing happened. This temporary peaceful moment was taken away just as quickly as it was presented, when giant cracks in the surface of the planet started appearing. These gashes widened more and more, and they glowed red from the energy emanating from the pulse that struck the core. The planet appeared to be collapsing in on itself, slowly shrinking until it reached half of its normal size. It seemed to end there, as it remained at that size for several hours, while the cracks intensified and the planet itself started emitting a red light. After those several hours passed, the planet suddenly exploded. Debris was thrown outwards in a massive shockwave. The shuttle responsible for this had long since left the sector. The ship that narrowly escape was tossed backwards into orbit, due to the sheer force. The three major pieces of the ship were eventually forced further and further apart, with wreckage strewn about the system. A "nearby" planet eventually got hold of one of the pieces with its gravitational pull, and sucked it right into its atmosphere. It was truly a horrendous sight to behold, not that anyone was around to behold it. Several hours earlier, on that very ship... ...Two formidable adversaries were locked in both fierce combat and fierce words. "Do you even have any idea what you're doing?" asked a female in a stern, condescending voice. The voice belonged to a young woman dressed in a crimson trenchcoat. Embroidered on the chest of that was a simple crescent moon of silver. There were various commendations that decorated the outfit. White was visible under the coat, which was allowed to hang open. It was just a simple white T-shirt. Her pants matched the crimson of the trenchcoat. Her hair was fair and beautiful, a golden blonde color. It was in a long ponytail that reached to her midback, bound by a crimson hairband. "I could ask you the same thing!" Spoke her opponent, a woman dressed in a similar outfit. Her outfit, however, was decorated in rips and tears instead of awards and commendations. Her white undershirt was decorated in crimson, the result of a wound she suffered while in combat. "You never even question what you're doing. You blindly follow the path before you." Her voice was shaky, from wounds and lack of breath. Her hair was blonde as well, but a dirty blonde at that. "Sweet, sweet Hope." Remarked the woman with the ponytail, referring to the other. "Your vain attempts at rebellion have only sparked more hatred and conflict. All you had to do, was what you were told." She gripped her weapon, which was an elegant rapier. The hilt had engravings not too different than the symbol she had on her uniform. It was a stunning silver, the rapier itself was also made from a hybrid mixture of metal involving silver. It was not meant to be a weapon at all, but this woman never let something like details get in the way of wounding an enemy. The one called Hope gripped her own weapons. Antiques, in this day and age, but she preferred to stick with what she knew. They were two handguns, which could fire off 9-millimeter sized rounds. She had the advantage of range and number, with the disadvantage of having to reload. One might think bringing a knife into a gunfight a deadly mistake, but this was not the case. Hope drew her guns, but hesitated. That hesitation would cost her dearly, as the other woman, in a flash of dark red, pierced her shoulder with the decorative rapier. Hope cried out in pain and received a kick to the chest to relieve the rapier of the woman pierced by it. "Ah, you bitch!" Groaned Hope in pain, as she stumbled backwards. The other woman advanced, but both of their attention wavered slightly, thanks to an explosive noise that shattered the silence. "Wha-?" She didn't have time to finish the question, as ear piercing alarms suddenly started ringing. The deserted corridor of the shuttle flashed red every few seconds, bringing out the worst sense of stomach knotting, in both of the girls. Hope scrambled to her feet, while the other woman started advancing. Panicked footsteps echoed around them as others tried to figure out what was happening. A blindingly bright red light shined from outside of a nearby window. The woman cleaned her rapier on her trenchcoat, the blood blending in a little too well into the fabric. Hope leaned against a wall for support, but didn't have too much time to relax. Another explosive noise echoed throughout the ship, seemingly drowning out the footsteps and alarms. She stumbled a bit, but then was thrown to the ground, just as a huge fissure started appearing in the walls. The huge crack spread at an alarming rate, and as she struggled to her feet, the woman she was just fighting lifted her up by her collar. "This is hardly the time for this! L-let me go! We have to get out of here!" Hope cried out in fear, kicking her feet a little bit. "We?" Said the other girl. ""We" aren't getting out of here, girl. Only one of us is." She tossed Hope backwards through an open door, ripping her already beat up shirt in the throw. She closed the door and barred it from the outside, leaving the girl panicking. She walked the opposite way, stopping to take one last look at the flash of light outside. She left through a door on the far side of the hall, shutting it just in time. The cracks expanded at a dangerous level, getting bigger and bigger. The cracks were not exclusive to this hallway; they were through the whole ship. One last explosion echoed through the ship, and the whole shuttle jerked outwards at a dangerous speed. The nearby planet had finally exploded. _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapters in Spoilers or no? Comment! Coming up next: (Eventually) Prologue: The Purge.
Amazing job! I love it so far. A lot of action, suspense... All blended together in amazing detail. Can't wait for the next chapter~!
Mruh. Miss Sokina, I do like your writing style, it is like my own. Your story aswell is interesting, I will look forward to reading it. As for chapters in spoilers? Sure, I can find no problem with that.
It seems like it could be interesting, but being purely analytical I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit... Well, for lack of a better word, lackluster. For example, the fourth paragraph (the laser description) felt to me like somebody was reading facts off of a fact sheet. To go into somewhat further detail, let's take a look at this sentence here: There's nothing inherently wrong with that sentence, but it feels flat. There's a lot you could do with that sentence, too. For example: "The energy pulse flew at the planet, seemingly ripping space itself asunder (or apart, if asunder feels like too much)." It's a bit frivolous, I know, but you get the picture. ________________________________________________ In any case, I look forward to seeing more of this story; looks like it has a lot of potential.
Yeah. That's mainly the problem I had, writing such an advanced story-part at the very beginning. I didn't really get into it as much as I figured I would. As all writers know, it's better to build up suspense. True writers follow their own story with interest. Also, writing ANYTHING space-ish is new to me. I could describe 1000 different ways to hold a sword, but beams are nothing but beams to me. I don't care much at all for space, or ships, or lasers or much else. It shows, obviously, but only practice will help it get better. I'm mainly excited to write what happens on the planets, not the huge empty space above them, if it makes sense.
Without suspense, it's not a very good story. Might as well just tell the reader the ending outright. As for following your own story, I don't have too much experience with that. All of my stories are rather short, and most are finished in one go. My work is usually ignored regardless, so I don't see much need to pay attention to it if nobody else does (although that is a bit of a personal debacle, I suppose). In any case, that's a good point. I can understand that. I still have trouble writing fighting sequences; either I'm too elaborate or I always seem to miss something. There's many angles to consider. But perhaps you should consider not looking at the beam as a beam, per se, but as a really long sword. The beam sword pierces the planet person, causing eventual explosion death from the core rupture blood loss. It's a matter of perspective.
Yes, chapters in spoilers please This is a really great story, and i hope you will continue. Are You, by chance, the same Sokina i know from TO?
I am in fact that very same one. I'm working on the second chapter, which is the prologue. It'll set into motion the events that lead up to this ship explosion deal. It'll probably be better written, too, since it doesn't take place on a ship.
I'm heavily in work on the next chapter, and I hope to release it on Friday. I figure I'd update it weekly on Friday, with large chapters. I have huge plans for this story.
A little later than promised, but here's the Prologue! (It's a two-part prologue. Next part is going to have some action, finally! Hooray.) Prologue: Purge "Landing sequence finished." Stated my feminine-sounding AI. We just all called her Luci, though. She sounds like a Luci. I unfastened myself from the seat, looking back at my accompanying squad. Being nothing but a small scout squad, there was only 5 of us, myself as the squad leader. I readied the security measures, before I opened the security box to retrieve our gear. We landed on this planet, hoping to quell a dangerous uprising and confiscate deadly weaponry from the inhabitants. Well, that is the goal of our unit. We, however, are nothing but a scouting squad. I looked out one of the small, reinforced glass ports; The planet was ridden with huge jungles. I had nothing in the box myself, since I always carried my gear personally, out of security reasons. We weren't expecting to come into contact with the enemies, who we really knew nothing about. I was quite green, myself, having never done anything considered active duty. My squad members retrieved their gear, save for one, who was going to survey the land from above and offer positioning guidance to us. I opened the door, taking my first steps onto this planet. "Oh god. This weather! Why the hell is it so hot here?!" I fanned myself a little bit, electing quite quickly to unfasten the belt that held my trenchcoat closed. My white undershirt was a bit too loose on me, too. "What's wrong, Princess? Little heat too much for you? Maybe you should head back to base and look pretty." Lance joked. Lance is the asshole of the squad. Every squad has one. "Princess" was an insulting nickname given to me for two reasons. Reason one: I was a bit obsessed with my looks. More obsessed than one should be, especially being in the military. Reason two: I was born into a somewhat higher caste, if you will. Thanks to a program in the Luna Corps, the military, my ancestors were chosen to participate in an experiment in an effort to get the upper hand in a war. Long since has that war been over, but the side effects of that experiment has spread through the branches of the family tree. Those of us "fortunate" enough to have come from that family tree are born with a mark that signifies our status as such. Supposedly the goal was to give soldiers enhanced senses by releasing a natural barrier in the body that would heighten them. Thus the mark was originally created. The military has cut the project after the tests started producing deadly results. Because of this, the mark is useless, other than a symbol of special status. "Princess" comes from the fact that I advanced farther in the military, faster than I should have, merely because of this mark. "That's Princess Hope to you, Lance. I'm still in charge here." I retorted. He was a jerk, but he's not a bad guy at heart. That's his way of joking. What girl doesn't want to be royalty? "Alright, everyone got their gear in place? Ace is going to chart 3 miles in each direction from this spot, so we have an idea of what we're looking for." "Sir, what IS it that we're looking for?" Jack, the rookie in our group asked us. "Private, there's no need to be so formal. Just call me Major, Hope, or -- " I threw a look at Lance "--Princess. As for what we're looking for, there should be a relay station within five-ish miles of us. We're supposed to intercept communications to find out what they're planning." Jake looked troubled. I could tell by the way he was holding his rifle. And by the fact that he was the only one who had it out on the ready. My "gear" was merely my two 9-millimeters. Old technology, sure, but reliable. With all of the laser weapons being developed, militaries are focused on utilizing equipment that can reflect or neutralize lasers. Few people are ready for such "antiquated" technology. Then again, I wasn't expecting to do much fighting, either. I ran my hand threw my hair, dirty blonde and chest length. I heard Lance snicker and I rolled my eyes, stopping instantly. I picked up a pack, opened it, and did a check on my equipment. I had the bug to intercept communications, I had a mobile workstation which I could use to hack their databases. I took out a small device; It looked like a PDA, but it was used for transmitting topography and other geographic features to and from the scout vessel. I tapped a map icon on the device, and was able to see that which Ace was scanning from the ship in real time. It seemed like the whole planet was jungle. At least, the small area he was charting was nothing but a dense cluster of trees. I saw a large but easy to climb tree, and decided a first person view might be a bit better. I started climbing the branches of the tree, noting that the leaves were much different than any trees I'd ever seen. It wouldn't really be a good planet to establish settlements on. The Luna Corps were originally started as an initiative to colonize planets. Once Earth ran out of resources, the human race could not simply continue to live there. The population was at 11 billion, as of a few years ago. Artificial islands were created in the ocean to hold more cities. Forests were all cleared out almost. The Luna Corps were founded to find suitable living conditions on planets, or to make them suitable. Eventually, after several colonizations, they realized they weren't the only ones living on said planets. Several colonies got killed off completely because of creatures native to that planet. Thusly, the Luna Corps became somewhat of a Private Military Company, or PMC, on the side. They would colonize, then deploy units to protect those settlements. However, it wasn't long before the PMC aspect of it took over, and whole planets were taken by force. After some time, it became the official military of Earth. The name Luna Corps was established because the moon was the first successful procedure. I looked down at the silver moon I had on my uniform, right over my heart. Was it right? Who knows. I kept climbing the tree, reaching about 80% of the way up before I looked around. As I suspected, I could only see jungle for miles and miles. I climbed down much faster than I climbed up, hopping off the last branch quickly. As if reading my mind, I felt my PDA unit start beeping. I picked it up out of my pack, and I saw that the terrain was mapped out several miles more than what I had asked. However, I was glad he went farther than I anticipated, because I noticed near the edge of the area we had explored, there was a rather suspicious, almost circular clearing. I zero'ed in on this location, noting that it was about 6 miles north east of our location. I marked it with a navpoint, with just a tap of my finger. I zoomed out, and I noticed a display in the bottom right. The planet was called "Armistice," and it seemed much smaller than other planets. Why would a planet like this really be a threat? I didn't get paid to ask questions. I just shook my head, looking forward to going back to my nice home. I suppose I did have it better than others, being pseudo-royalty. I snickered at this thought, turning the heads of my squadmates. "Alright, guys. We're heading North east, 5.89 miles. Ace is going to survey the suspicious area by the time we get there. We should still proceed with caution, since, you know, this is a foreign planet." I put on a lightweight but durable flak jacket, modified to repel basic lasers. I started North East, hoisting my pack over my shoulder, while we made our way. There was no trail, so we had to wade through tons of colorful bushes that, to be honest, were cute but probably poisonous. I heard Lance and Jack arguing about whether we'd actually encounter resistance, whether or not we'd actually be in danger, and more. I rolled my eyes and let out a scoff, looking back at our fifth member. She was a tiny little thing, not but 21 years old. Shoulder length black hair, carrying a large, scoped rifle. She was our sniper and tracker. I slowed my pace and put a hand on her shoulder, giving her a small encouraging smile. "It's okay, don't worry. This is just a routine thing. We'll just do our job, and be back in a few days." She glimpsed at me and gave a small nod. I wandered in front again, pushing branches aside. "Besides, if anything goes down, I'll protect you all." Their response was a near simultaneous eye roll. I rolled mine back at their doubt, trying to ignore how humid the jungle was as we walked. I looked up in the sky at the two suns, shaking my head. The jungle was quite beautiful, it was just annoyingly hot. There were several bird-like animals flying around every so often. They looked like birds, but they were several times larger, and dangerous if encountered by an aggressive or agitated flock. The trees were much thicker than those I've ever seen, the trunks not something I could wrap my whole arms around. Some were so big even my whole squad holding hands couldn't wrap around it. At last, after just over an hour of walking, the foliage started thinning out. We pressed through the last wall of prickly bushes, all of us groaning some expletive or other in relief, or annoyance in the case of Lance getting cut by a thorn. The clearing looked like just that: A clearing. A strange area that seemed as if it was flattened out by a huge stamp. It was a couple hundred yards in diameter, and from what Ace transmitted from the scout ship, almost perfectly circle. Clearly not a random act of nature. I set my pack down, and dug through it for what looked like railroad spikes. We called them depth resonators. I kneeled down, pressing a button on one, priming it. I then set it lightly into the dirt, and stomped it, activating it. Even though we couldn't hear anything, it was emitting sound waves so very high in frequency we couldn't hear it. After a few seconds, a loud tone came from the resonator, and it shot back up right out of the ground. I caught it on the way down, and checked my PDA, while holding the resonator close to it. In this day and age, we've evolved passed the need for USB ports and most other forms of connectivity. Everything is high-tech wireless interfacing. My PDA has never actually met this resonator, but they've established a connection merely by holding them close enough. As such, on my PDA, appeared a meter. The resonator works by pumping powerful waves through the ground, which then bounce up after 100 feet. The waves spread in such a way that objects can be outlined when the resonator interprets the waves. For example, I happened to know that there was an unusually large rock 10 or so feet below where I deployed the resonator, as shown by the rock shape on the screen. I tossed one of these resonators to each of my squad mates, while I gave a signal upwards at the scout ship hovering 60 meters or so off the surface of the planet. It was the signal to survey the area surrounding this clearing. I told them to check every square foot if they must. I kept deploying mine as well, allowing myself to wander in my own thoughts. 'Why is this such an important job? There's no resistance at all...no signs of weapons, no signs of danger, armed troops, hardly any life for that matter.' I picked up another rock on my screen, emptily watching my squadmates. A small sneeze was enough to rattle me out of my thoughts, and I look at the owner of that sneeze, Misty, our sniper. She was wiping her nose, and I suppose she got nervous when I watched her do that, because she elected to move to a far off part of the clearing. We checked for what seemed like hours, until finally we heard Jake cry out in surprise. "I got something, I got something! Hurry!" We rushed over, excited over finding -something- to do. I arrived there last, being the farthest away, and grabbed his PDA. On his screen, there was a thick, ovular line on it. "Where'd you find this?" I asked, heart beating quickly, as if this was a treasure map. He pointed to a hole near his feet, covered in a small layer of dirt. I looked at the screen again, making a mental note of it being 60 or so feet down. I jammed my resonator into an area nearby, and it pinged nothing. I went the opposite direction of the hole, and go another similar object. There was no doubt about it: This was either a pipe or wire of some sort. Just to be safe, I checked one more, linear to the two successful tests, and caught the same type of object. "Alright guys, you and Misty head that way, checking to see if you find anything that's connected to this damn thing." I instructed Lance, unlatching the holster for one of my guns as a precaution. As if just finding this small clue was enough to make me realize that this could be a real danger now. I took the rookie of my squad with me, just because I had to keep my eye on him personally. "Don't fall behind, Jake, especially if we go into the jungle." I didn't really have to worry about that, because I could practically feel his breath on my back, which was both unnerving and creepy, how close he was. Each ping I had was successful, leading me to believe this was a straight pipe or wire, and surely it would lead me to either the source, or the thing it's powering. After 20 minutes or so, I noticed the pipe-like object slowly beginning to get closer and closer to the surface: 60, then 45, then 35. My heart got faster and faster, with each ping closer to the surface. However, it stopped at 25, and I kept walking. I got impatient, as I usually do, and started muttering excitedly. My walking turned into excited jogging, looking for the end to this. The tests I conducted were starting to get less and less frequent, until they stopped completely. I could still only see jungle. Nothing but large trees that blotted out the sun themselves, with vines that have tons of nasty, poisonous looking bugs. The occasional water was a welcome sight, as it provided a lovely patch of sunlight for the otherwise dark jungle. I suppose I might have been a bit too excited, because I was moving quite fast. I looked back to see Lance stumbling after me, tripping over most of the holes I've been making while he was carrying my pack. I thought I lost the pipe for a second, as I jogged while looking down at the PDA. That was a mistake, because I looked up and never even saw it coming: BAM! The sound was quite impressive, a metallic sound, but with a tone that suggested a hollow inside. I yelped in pain, closing my eyes and holding my nose, cursing my stupidity. I slowly opened my eyes, and "never saw it coming" was right. I didn't see anything there at all! Except more trees and jungle! So what did I run into? I reached out gingerly with my free hand (The other was still on my face) and to my surprise, I hit some sort of invisible barrier? Why would a planet like this have technology like that? I kept running my hand over it, confusedly, and I tapped a small phone icon on my PDA. I opened connections with Lance's, and initiated the call. It rang 3 times before he answered. (Good thing he did, because I was getting annoyed.) "What'chu got, Princess? Dirty dress? Broken fingernail?" What a typical Lance response. Asshole. "We found something on this side. Some sort of shield or something. Technology that should be leagues beyond a primitive planet like this." "Oh? So that's what this substation is powering?" he asked curiously. "Sub...station?" I felt my eye twitch. "You found a substation and didn't even bother calling us? When did you think you were gonna tell us?!" I could almost picture him rubbing the back of his head confusedly. "Well, we found it 30 minutes ago, but we figure we'd explore more before we bothered you." I rolled my eyes to nobody, before speaking curtly to him. "Wait for further instructions, I gotta call Ace." I ended the call before waving Jake over. "Take your resonator, and follow this barrier clock-wise. I'll go counter clockwise. Chart out the edges of this...weird barrier thing, and hopefully we'll meet up in the middle." I watched him get ready, before calling Ace. "Yeah? This is Hope...we got something down here, Ace. We're going to transmit you a graph when we can. For now, go rendezvous with Lance and Misty. Hopefully they've already gained a rough view of this "substation" or whatever they found. Fly High, Ace. We don't want you falling victim to an invisible...as dumb as it sounds...tree and such." He laughed at my last few words and ended the call with a "Roger." I grabbed my resonator and walked counter-clockwise, sticking it into the ground every few yards, wondering exactly what was so important that needs to be hidden on a remote planet. I didn't know what was going on, and I really didn't like it. Just a few "Author's Notes." (LolinsideJoke) I know it's abrupt, but I switched from 3rd person narrative to 1st person view, as you can tell. I'm much more comfortable writing in the 1st person anyway. I feel it allows me to better express the views of Hope, and whatever character I'm writing. To be a good actor, you need to become what you're playing, immerse yourself in the role. That's exactly what I intend on doing. Also, this chapter is quite devoid of action. It's obviously just a prologue, but it serves to provide some basic background information on certain things, like the military, the important characters, and more. The next part of this prologue has some actual action. I know this part is pretty long, but I'm trying to avoid making chapters too long. I don't end a chapter unless it feels finished, to me. Sorry about the length and lack of action, but just got to build up that suspense.
I love it. The anticipation of what lead to those events just keeps me on the edge of my seat. Good work! Can't wait for the next chapters~ It'll be pretty amazing.
I know I said I was going to update this every Friday, but something came up at work and I had to stay much longer than anticipated, so it's not entirely done yet.~ I should have it out sometime tomorrow night. Sorry, and as always, luff. ♥
