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Can anyone help me with some ideas on how to improve my universe I am building?

Discussion in 'Writing' started by theflamingchuthulu, Nov 3, 2018.

  1. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    So, I have made a universe that is okay-ish. The style of sci fi, is (sci-fantasy?) Where there is magic, but it has a lot of limits and there is also steampunk style technology. My world takes place in the 1800s and there are two co-existing races: The Orcs, who are very technological and have perks like being able to touch red-hot metal or fire, heal twice as fast as humans and are twice as strong. And then there are Humans, who have magic but otherwise are pretty normal.

    Things to do with magic: (prepare for a list!)
    Users of said magic have to be feeling certain emotions. For instance a user of water magic (Hydros) need to feel sad or empathetic.
    Users of fire (Pyros) have to feel vengeful or protective.
    Users of metal (Ferro) have to feel very focused or have to be power-hungry and controlling.
    Lightning (Voltas) have to have contradicting feelings and/or thoughts, or they have to be open minded.
    Wind (Pneumaticus) need to be happy and free-flowing or in a state of rage.
    Life (Animatis) is healing magic, and usually requires love (I know, I know. No gooey love stuff.)
    Death (Nekros) is death magic and is draining to the victims and heals the user. (Humans nor Orcs can ever be quite evil enough to do it the "Proper way." Which takes us to the last race: The Dominators. They are pieced together dead people (Orc and Human) who have been brought back to life with a mixture of Orc's blood, Nekros, and science. They weren't created to do any harm (being created out of curiosity) but lacked souls. Or their souls are too shattered and broken, that they hate all life and despise everything. In my universe, the Dominators are true evil and they become like the Nazis.

    If anyone has questions on how the magic is limited I will post that as well.

    *Update!*

    I have changed, well, everything. Here’s the changes... Are you ready?



    Quick thing I would like to say to people who might be mistaken before we get into everything, Orcs are NOT evil, they can be, but I am not Tolkien. Some thing about being evil is more of a personal and decision based-thing, not some villain overlord stuff. If an Orc was to wipe out some city because he didn’t know how to deal with his pain in life, Then that Orc would be evil. But Orcs are in this as a race that Humans can easily relate to, and emotionally be the only truly Human-like life in the universe. Now that we have that cleared, let’s begin:





    The new element system I made:

    Let’s start with lightning:



    Lightening is the catalyst for destruction.

    Fire is the destruction.

    Wind carries the dust of the destruction.

    Water absorbs the dust and uses it to feed life.

    Life eats the dust and changes it back into soil,

    Earth enriches plant life.

    Nature has formed, and now Lightning strikes and starts the cycle over.

    (The ‘dust’ can be called any what ever, but it is meant to be like a phoenix rising from it’s ashes, matter that is used again and again to form life.)



    Also: You cannot make something out of nothing, in order for creation to occur, something of equal value must be destroyed. However, nothing is ever truly destroyed, matter only changes form. And no, I haven’t yet seen Full Metal Alchemist.



    For anyone to use magic, they must paint or tattoo a symbol pertaining to the element they wish to use (say, Chinese or Japanese characters, Runes, Hieroglyphics or Zodiacal symbols).



    Magic has five charges: Chaos, Order, Channeled, Opposite and Bane or Anti-Magic. What do they do, you ask? Well:

    Chaos is random erratic usually uncontrollable. It’s like the user calls upon the spirit of that element and has no control over it until it succeeds in doing what it’s master tasked it to do.



    Next is Order is magic where the user has perfect control over the element. (and yes, it is bending.)

    Then we have Channeled magic, where the user is more-or-less channeling the element and it unlocks instincts pertaining to it. The user is able to control their actions, but they are helped and/or guided by said element. Let’s say someone is in a fight and channels Earth, they would be still like a snake waiting to strike it’s prey and when someone is close enough the user would maul ‘em like an ape, and be strong as a land-slide ;) But, if the user chose to channel Fire they would attack like a demon and even with the slightest flick, cause burning pain in the opponents. In fire channeling, the user attacks to inflict, not to kill. If anyone has questions on how different elements are channeled, then just ask.

    And now time for Bane or Anti-Magic. In Anti-Magic, the user isn’t using the element, but weakening them and/or draining them of their strength. Anti-Water magic is stiffness, lack of movement. (Not ice!)

    Opposite magic is when things get interesting, Because Opposite magic is able to be used as any previous charge, though, it effects the opposite form of that element (No dark matter, just change.) For instance, Water’s opposite is Frost because it is Water embodying it’s “Bane”, Whereas Bane of Water would be THE opposite of Water and use this to dis-empower it. And yes, you can bend this, channel this and even use the Bane of it. (Bane of Ice, but not fire, what the hell would that even be?!)




    Humans are the native people of Earth and are the only race able to fully use magic along with some breeds of Half-Orc.


    Orcs come from Naga (No longer Mars) and have co-existed with Humans the longest. Orcs have many traditions across tribes and are very skilled with technology. Orcs are also emotional in ways that may as well be Human. Orcs are also skilled warriors, and love a good fight. However, Orcs have very little wish to cause wars. Orcs aren’t able to use normal magic, (as they don’t have the same chakras as humans) but can use Opposite charge magic and Channeled magic. Orcs have a healing compound in their blood, this compound makes their blood have a dark black color. Orcs have green skin, tusks and only have red, amber, brown, hazel and green. Orcs have white, brown or black hair, and Pointed ears. otherwise they look like Humans that are 10 feet tall and work out a little. Different species of Orc have very little differences, the differences being build and hair color. Orcus Robustus has a broader build and white hair. Orcus Gracilis is a thin, extra tall at 10 feet and 6 inches this species is black-haired. Orcus Immanis is the most buff out of all of them with muscle mass comparable to Human body-builders. The crazy thing about Orcs is that Orcs across all species are able to gain muscle mass by exercising.


    Dwarfs are from an extremely dense planet that Humans call Nidavellir after the old Norse world of darkness (and dwarfs). Dwarfs are the only living thing from Nidavellir since the Dwarfs wiped out all the other life on their home-world. They are the most selfish race, and the most industrial, having used their whole planet as nothing but a mine since their technological peak. Dwarfs discovered Earth sometime after Orcs, though, it’s hard to say exactly when since Dwarfs are bad at keeping history and have mostly lived underground on Earth because sunlight causes them skin-calcification and coma. Dwarfs however aren’t all bad, They are loyal to certain people in their life, usually people who they have known for a long time, and they only trust those people or those people’s other close friends. Dwarfs have no hearing organs so they instead feel vibrations through the ground and walls. and all Dwarfs are mute, so they communicate using a language similar to Morse-code. Dwarfs have gray skin and beady black eyes. They have black hair.


    Half-Orcs are half Human, half Orc, hence the name. There are actually six breeds of Half-Orc: Elf, Brute, Yeti, Imp and Daemon. Half-Orcs have some characteristics of either race.


    Goblins are a truly evil race of disgusting reptiles that eat not only the flesh of all creatures but also their own kind. Goblins are the only other race to originate on Naga. Goblins have very little culture, but all Goblin clans have rules that the weak are to be killed and eaten. They have a disturbingly Human-like face with slit-pupil eyes and teeth like an angler fish and a very lizard-ish body with claws, and long tail. The males have manes of feather-like fur stuff along their back (Best description ever).


    Cyclopes are a race of giants who’s origin was long forgotten. It is often believed that they came from Nidavellir before the Dwarfs wiped out all the life there. Cyclops aren’t evil creatures, but Cyclops are born hunters and can only eat a diet of meat. Cyclops however will not eat most intelligent beings (except one). Cyclops also have compassion for things that are smaller than them, there is one exception though: Dwarfs. Cyclops have poor depth-perception and therefore are always moving around so that they can triangulate distance. Cyclops are very intelligent creatures. Cyclops have been used by Dwarfs as slaves at varying times, making Cyclops deeply hate Dwarfs. Dwarfs are in fact, the only race that Cyclops really ever eat, as the Cyclops that eat other intelligent beings are effected by a mental disease that enhances their predatory instincts and makes them uncontrollably bloodthirsty.


    Dominators are a race of dead people brought back to life using Orc’s blood, Bane of Life magic, trans-humanism, and Franken-style surgery. They hate all living things and wish to rule all, They are led by Alpha, the first Dominator. Dominators have no emotions other than hatred, revenge and pain. They are kept alive by drinking blood and stealing life-force energy. Dominators have no memory of their life, and thus are always in pain and they hate all life because they forgot what it was like to truly live, and they seek revenge on all for they know not who to blame. They are cold as frozen soil, and at once, their wrath a searing flame. Born of dead and living, Man, and machine. They have no soul that isn’t fractured beyond repair, they are the Half-born, the Frost-burn, the Vengeful, They are the Dominating Dead.



    Half-Orc breeds:



    Elves are the most magically potent, being able to use all types of magic, and also heal as fast as Orcs do. Elves are uncommon, as the traits for one to be born are double-recessive. Elves are very Human in appearance except for their three-fingered hands and their pronounced canine teeth. Elves only have these three eye colors: Amber, blue and green. They have a blue-ish, to green-ish colored blood.


    Brutes also have Human skin-tones and colors, but the only eye color Brutes can have is varying shades of red. Brutes have tusks on their upper jaw like a boar, and are always extremely muscular. Brutes seem to lack the healing properties of Orcs, but do indeed have their Orc parent’s strength. Brutes have extremely high adrenaline and usually can’t feel any pain for days after an injury. Brutes are non-magical.


    Yetis are extremely hairy, and are quite large standing at 15 feet tall. Monsters have tusks on their chin and also have horns on their forehead. They have extremely thick skin that is very bullet resistant. Commonly found in forests and generally are called ‘Horn-apes’ ‘Big-foot’ and ‘Sasquatch’ they are rarely found in society due to their isolationist and lonesome nature. They likely have such nature because they were rejected by society at a young age and run away to live in the wilderness even if they are loved and cared for by their parents feeling that they don’t belong in the world. Monster’s physical traits come from an extremely rare genetic condition in Orcs that has yet to be identified.


    Imps are an all-female breed, and have green skin and magic, and have a thin Human build and impish face (in which they get their name.) Imps have only been known to have dark hair, and are only born of Greek and Orcish ancestry. Imps are highly social, putting them in stark contrast against Yetis.


    Daemons are rejected by most all of Western-civilization for their devilish appearance. They have black blood and small horns on their forehead. The only kind of magic that they can use is fire magic. This breed is born of Asian and Orcish ancestry.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018
    Moor Al-Malik likes this.
  2. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    So, you're making your own universe, it is some sort of story then, right? So how are the relation between them?
     
  3. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    Yes, it is a story. The Orcs and the Humans have just made peace after a forty-year war and things are still sketchy in their shared civilization. Science is rapidly advancing because of magic and users of magic are becoming more dangerous since they can use technology to strengthen magic, making the world a more and more dangerous place. The main characters (still working on them) are an Orc, a Human, and some other that I haven't decided. Who have to put aside their history and differences and stand together to fight the rising threat of the Dominators.
    I also have considered making it so that people who use magic are also considered "enemies" along with the Orcs.
     
  4. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    How about adding the background for each race? I mean make a separated story telling their background, how they are formed, who is their leader, what important event that change them, and others.
     
  5. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    ok, I'll work on that. I was considering Orcs being an alien race that invaded earth because their world was dying.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  6. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Good luck, then! :)
     
  7. Catherine Franz

    Catherine Franz Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    We need moar evil races!!! maybe make them some sort of..oher-race-hating uhh race that makes everything that aren't their kind a slave or something >w>
     
  8. doubledeathrainbow

    doubledeathrainbow Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    thats basically avatar explanation for the elements you oxymoron
    but playing with it, think this, create an small text about it, and start building from there, something like this:

    Year 14 of the High lord Horad'kang of the orc tribe of Tharadom.
    We the Irmin'har, great warriors of lady Nathaela of the Imgrant'ur nation traveled for months by now, through the deep jungles of the imarith region in search of the "sacred" "Pond of the Void" an place in the jungle capable of overpowering magical users, and artifacts wich enter in contact with it, we havent found it yet, but found something unnerving, the dominator's presence in the area has increased exponentially since the last contact 3 years ago, our sages think they might be looking for the same thing than us, but as we aproach the border of the imishteran region, exiting the deep jungle from the north, the precense increase instead of decreasing, as our sage told us, we send this menssage soo the clerics at the main temple may try and pry through the visions of our lady into the area, and see if they can find out the source of the Dominator's precense in the area, as the close villages of Theranment in the north, and Cristal's shade on the east may be in danger of an undead overrun happening any time soon.

    Sincerely yours in the light of our Lady.
    Sir. Kamian Ur
    Great listener of Our Lady, viscount of Lamior Landing, Commander of the Expeditionary force.
     
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  9. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    Yay! I'm not the only Avatar fan!
    this is an idea to make I came up with to make magic more unique is that magic is limited to the users capabilities. Ex, metal can lift anything twice the user's body weight but not any more than that without powerful magnetic generators. Water is only movable if at most five times the user's blood volume. Fire is hard to keep burning or to make hot because it will burn the user if hot enough. Lightning can only be arced across the user or metal/water (you get the idea.) so people use cables or weapons for it. Air needs steady breathing and can cause suffocation in the user if the user makes air pressure to low (respirators). Life as an element cannot be enhanced technologically.

    As for that bit you wrote great work!
    Another Idea that has struck me is that Orcs are well-dressed and have a strong warrior tradition even though they are so technological.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  10. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    These all sounds like The Lord of the Ring. How about add a bit essence of Star Wars. Combine them both and I think it could make something interesting.
     
  11. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    Like laser guns and spaceships? There could possibly be some space travel. And then the idea of the Dominators being an inter-planetary problem sounds cool! I mean the zombies in space type of thing always struck me as interesting and very realistic. Maybe since science and magic are progressing together at some point the two races fully accept each other and fight the rising Dominators in space. . .
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
  12. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    That's sounds awesome! Imagine a wizard and a trooper fight evils together. It is like Gandalf and Captain Rex working together (I think I watched to much fantasy and sci-fi movie).
     
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  13. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    Yeah! And also technology in Star wars is kind of steampunk in ways sometimes so yeah it could really work! I actually considered how people would travel far reaches of space and since there is magic portals would make sense.
    Considering what Catherine Franz said there should be more races (especially evil ones) and am working on them now.
     
    Moor Al-Malik likes this.
  14. doubledeathrainbow

    doubledeathrainbow Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Starwars is more like soft core science-fiction, they even have machines that detect force sensible beings :rofl: (the thing they used on anakin on the movies)

    Also, there another little piece.

    Extract from a message sent to the Asthir Ef'Hrads, lowking of the Darath Community.

    "Year 11 ( three years prior) of the High lord Horad'kang of the orc tribe of Tharadom.
    Sir Arthrius Solok, lord of the Karimorthor (killing Eagle) valley.

    My Lord, i have found it, the Spectral Orb of Kirim'thar, the core of the once revered generator of the Kaimorthon, the great Floating citadel of our ancestors the Darath'ir Mur of the Draki valley, we found it on the deep mines of the IrmirKan Region, two days to the north of our last sentry outpost in Kerthar Ork, we be bringing the artifact back to our main keep for studying in a few days, i keep you informed."

    Chronicler's notes: The Spectral Orb of Kirim'thar is some sort of spherical magical core, used as generator core of the also mentioned Kaimorthon, the ancient floating citadel of the Darath'ir Mur, one of the many magical human factions wich waged war on each other on ancient times, its said that the town of Drakarthara, now controlled by The Kraiskurth Conglomerate (Orcs) is actually partially build off the north side of the citadel itself, as most of the town have architecture unknown for most of the local populance.

    The Kaimorthon was destroyed in the end of the Lairkormoth war, between the Darath'ir Mur, and an unidentified faction on the year 112 of the fifth era of the great Ikarith lordship (also know as the six era of the Drokasour (literally meaning: dark shroud))

    In the end the orb was, supposedly used to power the Irimith, another great floating citadel (though smaller than the Kaimorthon), wich was to be used to defeat the Shaur (orcs) in the battle of Shivadirth Art, but instead was destroyed by Kromoth (technologically advanced humans, who supposedly despised war) in the fear it were to be used against other human factions, once the threat of the orc invaders were over, the rest of the Irimith can still be seen on the east side of the Kriminth mountains, now fully abandoned and full of foliage and dangerous creatures, supposedly created by the orb energy, though many mage masters think otherwise, as several expeditions have failed to find the artifact where it should have been (in the "underground" core chamber) and now they say that maybe the Kromoth team that infiltrated the citadel the ones who extracted it from their chamber, thus causing the citadel's fall.

    as a side note lord Ef'Hrads and sir Solok died during the fall of the Irimith, as most of the successional line of the Darath Community, causing an minor war between the local houses util the orcs conquered them one by one establish the short lived Orc Kingdom of Erewek'thar.


    This is supposed to be an Chronicler telling you the past, this (telling your story as being set on the past) helps in two ways, first, you can write off whatever you want, if you dont have info on the places you talk about, thats not a problem, you can give the info later when you think about it, and if there are contradictory data (commonly contracdictory geographic info) you can say, historical files arent 100% exact, and do the needed retcon :D
     
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  15. theflamingchuthulu

    theflamingchuthulu Space Penguin Leader

    Okay, firstly, you are awesome at writing this sort of stuff! And thanks for the tip on history/lore/world building. Some thing I have considered is to tell the story from both the Human and Orcish sides of the war. Most of it of it will take place in the far past, during the enitiall first landing and invasion of the Orcs. Plus it's fun to write about Earth (Terra) in an alien perspective. :up:
    *Edit*
    Actually I'm considering screwing around with the timeline. In a way where you can't exactly tell if it takes place in a post-apocalypse world.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  16. doubledeathrainbow

    doubledeathrainbow Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Then you could do the Shikabik (i dont remember the name right now, i just remember hes Chilean and created an entire world setting just to draw sexy females nude, sexy military uniform or in sexy futuristic leothards, he does other things like machinery and landscaping, but trust me, the real rason is to draw sexy females in leothards.) Where you add an Age Dividing cataclysm, and all the stories you tell are historical data of the time prior to that, like this other piece i just though off.

    Lauren At'moran High Chronicler of the Lowerar Court.
    To Almios Trouis Lord Of Simos Atwar
    Mid summer of 1422 A.CF​
    in this message our lord will find attached a transcript of the third section, of the 22th volumen of the Silmoradir, an old historical text created by the Elmoradar Empire Circa 153 B.CF, in wich is explained the historical background of the last Solarian War (know to then as the fourth Solarian War of Power waged between the Solarian empire and the ancient Orc empire of Ioslo'koa supposedly winch ended in the defeat of the Orc empire), just as our lord requested in the file is also attached a digest of the text, made by our chief investigator Almadir Malaran 12 years ago, a thorough analysis of the Volumen in question.

    -Almadir Malaran Chief Investigator
    Translation of "Silmoradir A throughout view into the causes and consequences of the fourth Solarian War Of power, by [redacted and lost in time]"
    Volumen 22
    Section 3
    [...]After the end of the war, it was discovered that the attack of the orc general Traimor'ter to the Shirmoloar Shire, was a truce to attract attention out of the main warfront in Shorator keep, thus dividing the Solarian Forces in two fronts, instead it caused the Kromartir Alliance, neutral util then, to join in the war, sending wave after wave of elite soldiers from the Slomoth Battlemage Guild (chronicler note: The Slomoth Battlemage Guild was an elite guild from said alliance, that while had an private setup, was actually a front of the Alliance, it also served as a decoy to hide their own armies, showing them as mercenaries forces of the otherwise not belligerents Alliance), originally serving as an liberating force in the Shire territory, but once the orc threat was purged from the area, they movilised to conquer as much Orc territory they could, managing to conquer the area around the Mortoroth Montains, and its rich mines, the Klamotharath plains and the coastal area of the mouth of the Simorathorat River to the Morai Sea.

    After this, the Solarian Empire sent an embassador to the Alliance requesting them both stoping their own campaing (wich ware demaging to their own) and access to their territory soo they could pass through the Simorathorat into the hearth of the Orc territory of Throughkimirl keep, the Kromartir Alliance refused and but still stooped hostilities with the orcs forces, keeping the territories anexed as theirs, also forcing the Solarian empire forces in the end to send the now know as the Blightfull Fleet towards the Trhought'kira region through the Morai Sea ports in their territory, mostly through Kormoor and Karamoitah ports [...]

    Digest Of the 22th Volumen of "Silmoradir A throughout view into the causes and consequences of the fourth Solarian War Of power, by [redacted and lost in time]"
    By chief investigator Almadir Malaran

    "as you may know the Vol 22 of the present book shows an differing view of the war,very different from the aseptic writing of the Volumes prior (this is, supposedly due to a change in the main writer,this can not be verified due to the disappearance of the first 100 pages of the volumen), this writing instead show an completely biased view of the fight, biased towards the Kromartir Alliance side, winch was pretty neutral in the war, but had interests in keep both sides busy battling between themselves, specially after their conquest of the area was secured, we also know they sold magical weapons in both sides, and alliance agents caused terrorist attack in both sides to keep them locked in an never ending was, this was util the take over of the Trhought'kira region, when the alliance shifted back to complete neutrality as they dint wanted the empire's forces to focus on then too much, specially after their refusal of accepting Empire forces through their newly annexed Territories.

    The bias show both sides imcopetency at keeping the territories won prior to the alliance entrance, also showing them as the heroes by showing how they brought prosperity and peace to the areas conquered by them, obviating acts like the killing of the All the orcs on Kromortiras (an small orc miner town on the side of the Mortoroth Montains), the burn of the Hirmarath underground keep (also on the side of the Mortoroth Montains) their defeat on the first siege of Kronomor'ot keep (the coastal area of the mouth of the Simorathorat River)at hands of what came to be know, as the blight of the mouth fall (an mysterious affection that affected the alliance battlemages only, impossibility them to launch any spell, draining their energy and eventually killing them by symptoms similar to severe dehydration (no mattering how much water they would consume during the period) this mysterious affection actually caused the alliance forces to retreat from the siege, avoiding the area during 2-3 months util they found out a way to pass through the secret tunnels under the the keep and invaded from under the orc feet, this text also avoid mentioning the fall of the Kirmoras Prince (one of the main kingdoms in the alliance) during the battle of the Klamotharath plains campaing.

    This and other piece of information ignored by the Cronicler writing the volume makes us think it was wrote after the rest, as a second edition of the volume, yet without much more evidenceof, this is just an conjeture.


    notes:
    A.CF After CryFall, The name of the cataclysm, winch also set the starting year of their time system, in your case it can perfectly be the dominator's emergence the cataclysm itself

    You can also note i added another file to the first one, some sort of analysis of the Whole Volumen, as a way to give depth to the text, by showing what Someone though of the Volumen as a whole,if you do something like this, you would later use it as a reference of how to write about "said volumen" in the future, by showing people who think it is inaccurate due to the bias, and people who think the alliance was right on their doing.

    something you could start with it to set an age, build an map of it, placing the territories and geographical area,and then just modifying it as time goes forward (by adding/removing towns and if long enough time passes by, you can even erase geographical features from the map, like removing an whole mountain after an age due to a cataclysmic event, even during an specially important battle.
     
  17. doubledeathrainbow

    doubledeathrainbow Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Oh dios mio los mensaje son cada ves mas grande!! - Oh my God, the messages are getting bigger every time!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2018
  18. Jonesy

    Jonesy Sarif's Attack Kangaroo Forum Moderator

    All posts must be in English or provide a translation.

    Also, please don't double-post. Use the edit button to expand a post instead of stacking multiple ones back-to-back.
     
  19. Moor Al-Malik

    Moor Al-Malik Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    You really have a broad and vast imagination! I can't really imagine the thing you have imagined. Great work, I believe it took many of your times to think about it!
     
  20. Pangaea

    Pangaea Forum Moderator

    Been watching this thread. Now that there's some substance I'll make some comments. So let's get to it!

    Not sure what this has to do with magic. It works for alchemy because you'd be transmuting one substance into another so needing the same amount of material makes sense. But it doesn't make sense when it comes to magic. Otherwise people who use magic would have to constantly be picking up dirt or carrying stuff around with them in order to be able to convert it into their element to use. But then you have to explain things like "what substance is equal to fire?" and then you run into problems like limiting the size and power of the fire based on how much stuff the magic user converted.

    Interesting. So would a tattoo allow the person to be able to use magic whenever they want? Seems like it would be more beneficial than temporarily painting it. Then again, you could do some interesting things like people being identified as magic users because they have certain tattoos.

    So each element has a spirit associated with it that controls that element? Or is the spirit the embodiment of that element?

    So do the spirits of the elements affect this? Does the magic user control the spirit or the element? It is very unclear exactly what's going on with the concepts of "spirit" and "element" here. This is something you need to develop more. Or maybe I've misunderstood. In that case you'll need to explain it better for people to understand.

    Bolded for emphasis. Again, this implies the idea of a "spirit" or at least some kind of agency in the elements. Also, it kind of implies the element could choose to not help or guide the user. If that's the case the spirit or intelligence to the elements could choose when they want to assist people. Would make for some interesting situations where someone tries to use magic but fails because the spirit doesn't cooperate.

    So what exactly is the user weakening? The element? The spirit of the element? Their opponent trying to use that element? This needs explained better.

    So if someone uses this magic they are using magic that's not based on your listed elements. Does that make this a different style of magic with different rules? Seems like this is something you need to develop a little more clearly. Or, again, explain better.

    One last note whilst we're talking about magic:

    So now magic is based on chakras? What happened to needing symbols to use elements? It would be kind of easy to reconcile these two together but honestly it kind of seems like you're taking random things and combining them. Which is a bad idea. You need to have a clear idea about the direction of things or it will become messy very quickly and things will make less and less sense the further you go. Eventually you'll reach a point where you'll have to go back and rework stuff to make things fit. So it's easier to just make them fit from the start.

    So they're from a different planet. How did they get to Earth? Since this isn't high fantasy you're going to have to obey some rules. Exactly how far away is Naga from Earth? What kind of technology or magic did the orcs use for space travel that allowed them to travel that distance without requiring thousands of years? Space travel is very complicated and you'll need to make a believable and understandable method for the orcs (and others) to travel from their planet to Earth. Few more questions. Why did they leave Naga? Why did they come to Earth? Did any orcs stay behind on Naga?

    Since the orcs can survive on Earth that means that Naga has to be a very Earth-like planet. Then again, it is a different planet with different evolutionary lines. That means it is essentially guaranteed that the orcs brought with them bacteria and viruses completely foreign to Earth. What kind of effect did this have when the orcs first arrived? Speaking of their arrival, what was humanity's response? We are talking about sapient lifeforms coming to the planet after all. There's no universal agreed upon protocol for this event. Probably the easiest (and perhaps most boring) response is the trope of "Aliens are real! We need to unite as one human race!" Then we get to the problem of racism. If humans have trouble with slight differences within their own species then how much more complicated will it be when you involve those who are a completely different species? Another important thing to address is exactly how these two groups would communicate. It wouldn't make much sense for the orcs to understand any human language or vice-versa. It would take time to learn how to communicate and then even more time to learn the language of the other group.

    About that last sentence: anyone can gain muscle mass by exercising. Pointing it out is useless.

    I'm pointing this out especially because it makes no sense. They killed all other life? Literally impossible to survive without plants or animals. For starters, what did the dwarfs do for food? How about clothing? What did they do when they ran out of medicine since they no longer had animal proteins and plant compounds to make new medicine? You might be able to come up with some clever solutions but, honestly, this is poorly thought out. An alternative would be to say they caused some kind of mass extinction event or had something like a nuclear war that ravished their world. This would be a good reason for them to leave and come to Earth. But at no point would they be able to survive after wiping out all other life. They would likely die out as resources ran out. Not to mention how important trees are for things like rain and oxygen. Killing massive amounts of trees would definitely have significant impact on a global scale.

    Okay so the dwarfs are also from another planet. The same questions about the orcs apply here as well. How did they get to Earth? Why did they stop at Earth? Why did they leave their home-world? What happened when they first appeared? What new diseases did they bring with them? Etc.

    You mention Nidavellir being "extremely dense". Again, it has to be a very Earth-like planet otherwise the dwarfs would not be able to survive on Earth. If Nidavellir is very dense then it has stronger gravity than Earth. This would affect everything about the planet from how thick the atmosphere is to how life evolved. You'll need to address how this affects the dwarfs. For starters, the lower gravity of Earth would need adjusting to for things like walking.

    You say six but only list five.

    Bolded for emphasis. Just want to point out a quote you said earlier: "Some thing about being evil is more of a personal and decision based-thing, not some villain overlord stuff."

    Nothing is inherently evil. Evil for the sake of being evil is the stuff of children's tales. It creates shallow characters with nothing to offer other than "I'm a bad guy". There is always some reason for evil actions and even "good" people commit them. An alternative would be something like removing the sapience of the goblins and have them act on aggressive instinct. Essentially make them like animals. You could maintain the idea of clans since those exist in the animal kingdom anyway.

    So they're from Naga as well. What is their relationship with orcs? Did the goblins come at the same time as the orcs? If not, when and why did they come? Again, the same questions need answered.

    If the origin of cyclopes is unknown then how is it known that cyclopes were slaves to dwarfs? Or have they only been slaves on Earth?

    The thing about eating intelligent beings and becoming mad is an interesting concept. Definitely a lot potential there!

    Pretty solid. Who is making these Dominators and why?

    Why is their blood colour different? There is a chemical reason for the colour of blood. If elves heal like orcs then they would have to have the same compound in their blood. So it would make more sense for their blood to be black as well. Again, it seems like you're just thinking up ideas without considering how they interact with other concepts. Brainstorming is great to do in early stages of world building so don't think I'm discouraging it! But you definitely need to go back through everything and consider what makes sense and what doesn't.

    Not a whole lot of information here. You might need to develop this more.

    When you say they were rejected by society do you mean the species as a whole or individuals? If it was the whole species then subsequent generations would eventually question the isolationist mindset and venture back into society. If it's individuals then how were they introduced into society? Did their parents take them there? That would contradict their nature because the parents and offspring would have to be in society long enough for the offspring to get rejected. Furthermore, why are they rejected?

    I'm grouping these two together since they bring about the same problem. The problem is why only a certain ethnicity of human would affect what the offspring are. What happens if, say, an African human bred with an orc? What's the outcome then? On top of that, why does human ethnicity affect it but not orc species? You'll have to be consistent here for this to make sense. Either all different ethnicities and orc species create specific outcomes for offspring or none do. I'd say creating all potential outcome possibilities for the different breeding combinations is a monumental task and perhaps not worth it. Definitely something you need to work on.

    Another thing is how are these different half-orc species treated? You mentioned the yetis but what about the others? How do humans see them? How do orcs see them? How do they see each other? What interactions arise from these viewpoints? Where does each group live or are they spread around?

    And finally, with so many different races and species you're going to run into the problem of real over-population. Unless each race and species is a small group. This brings up some other questions. How do the different races share resources and countries? What are the politics of each race and how do they interact? Do orcs and others campaign for representation in Earth's governments? What about the cultural differences between the races? How did they interact and resolve them (because there had to be problems when trying to blend so many different cultures)?

    Hope these pointers help!
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2018

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