Chat The Monthly Events Thread - Darkbound

Good one, I bet you I can 1-up that:

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

Did I win?

 

I think you just killed me with that one... It was predictable as hell, but it was so great...

 

Oh, this wasn't a competition. But ok:

A man has bought a classic 1969 220-Sedan Mercedes Benz, and wanted to show off to his friend. As they stopped at red lights, the driver then had an idea for a prank.

-hey Steve. I bet that hood ornament works perfectly as iron sights!-

Amused by the thought, his friend went along with the joke. As an old lady was crossing the streets, the driver hit the gas and went straight for her, putting her in his 'crosshairs'. At the last second, he pulled the car sideways to avoid her.


*thud*

-Oh SHIT! I didn't mean to actually-

-you owe me twenty bucks. That thing is not a good targeting reticule. If I hadn't opened the door, you'd have missed.-

 

Here's another one:

A woman enters a drug store and asks for an obsene amount of antideppressants.

The pharmacist, suspicious of her, asks: "Do you have a prescription for all this"?

"No. It's for my husband. I want to kill him!"
"Are you out of your mind? I won't sell you anything!"
"Oh yeah?! Then take a look at this!"

The woman produces a printed photograph of her husband shagging another woman. After taking a look at the picture, the pharmacist says:

"Well, if you had a prescription, why didn't you say so?"

 

aaaaaah good one

Here's one that I didn't come up with but is pretty good:

What's pink, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

 

riiiiiight. Now that he edited the missing part, I get it.

 

i hate it when i speed writes and forgets a or more words
also this thread is on fire now

 

Speaking of edits, I edited my last post and I'm too lazy to repost it.

 

I was wondering how long would it be until the dead baby jokes come along.

Also, this thread took a turn for the dark indeed. Just not in the intended way...

*sigh* now if only the OP would grace us with her presence...

 

How do you fit 18 babies into a blender? Turn it on. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.

Trust me, I have an entire list of dead baby jokes that I've compiled over the years.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

Damn, this dark humor is killin' me indeed.
But guys.. let's tone it down a bit.. or you know.. stop posting about dark humor for a while.

Overdose of this things isn't always good.
Yeah, I'm a party pooper. Bite me.

 

probably take it to the dark stuff pm tho guys. don't want to upset anyone

 

Welp, there goes the last of my sanity....

 

dark stuff pm...?!

 

*chomp*

Bleh, veggies xP

 

sorry guys... I hope I didn't offend anyone too much...

 

i think this thread is probably mostly ignored except by the people who frequent it, but better safe than sorry

 

{ Suddenly, Arra throws a Rhombus at rhomboid! What do you do? }

 

/absorbs rhombus

you fools, now i am unstoppable!!@