I'm postponing this for a while. I just got very bored and I'm more interested in writing about other games like Stardew Valley. That's all for now, Signing off. He was standing there, in the middle of the road. It was an old road he had seen in an old movie, made out of asphalt with a dotted line down it. On the sides were thick trees, he had no want to stray off the road. The road kept going for as far as he could see. He started to walk. After about five minutes he noticed a strange man. He was wearing a suit with a long coat and a fedora. He decided to go talk to the man, He felt at ease in this world so he saw no threat. “Hello sir, what brings you to this road?” He asked the strange man. “Wake up Newt.” There was a sense of urgency in his voice though his features looked completely calm. “Newt wake up,” More loudly this time. He felt like he was being shaken though nothing was touching him. Suddenly he opened his eyes. He was lying in a bed. He soon realized where he was and saw the Avian standing over him. “Newt wake up!” His friend Cotur was standing over him shaking him. “You’ve overslept! The Protectorate initiation is today!” Newt got up as fast as he could. He ran to his locker and dressed into his uniform quickly. “Cotur you get going, I’ll meet you there.” “Okay, but hurry!” He responded. He quickly got the brush from his locker and brushed his unruly brown hair. He looked at his lanky figure in the mirror. He figured he actually looked okay in the uniform. He sped down the halls barely having time to say hi to the familiar faces he saw as he sped past. He finally made it and took his place at the end of the line next to Cotur. There were a couple others he recognized as well. A Floran named Zenya who had pink leaves was standing at the front. He saw a purple Novakid named Clint and he saw Cotur with his black feathers next to him. The Grand Protector began his speech. He waited with bated breath for the giving of the Matter Manipulators. Suddenly the earth shook. Everyone was startled and a few people fell over. It shook again, everyone was utterly shocked. He was starting to get scared that something bad would happen when his fears were confirmed. Giant tentacles burst through walls grabbing people and making everyone flee. The force was so much he fell over. He hit his head on one of the displays in the hall. He was dazed for a few minutes then managed to recompose himself. He got up and saw none of the other trainees. The Grand Protector was on the stage gravely injured. “Sir, are you okay? What should I do?” He blurted to him. “Take this and find your way out.” He croaked back. He handed him a Matter Manipulator. He was happy to have one but in this situation not so much. He didn’t think that the Grand Protector would make it much longer so he decided to run down the hallway to the shipyard. He figured his best hope was to get off the planet. He ran down the hallway and was turning a corner when he ran straight into Cotur. “Cotur! Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Cotur looked worried. “I was trying to find my way to the shipyard but I got turned around.” “Well come with me I know the way!” They ran to the shipyard. They encountered nobody who was living except a mangled glitch sparking on the floor. They finally made it to the shipyard. Cotur was a part of his crew, it was one of the reasons they were friends. They boarded their ship The Artemis. It was named that due to its silver coloring and arrow like shape. It was the third model in its line and made by Apex scientists. It was made to be very efficient. He had never flown it before but knew how to fly it. The both ran into the cockpit. He took the seat with Cotur standing behind him. They set the destination to some random planet in a solar system about 10 light years away and set it to autopilot. They looked outside through a couple of windows and saw other ships taking off from around them. There was still hope people survived. One crashed into a building and another was snatched out of the sky by one of the tentacles. They broke through the atmosphere and jumped to hyperspace. They sat down and relaxed. Newt checked the lockers in the wall and saw enough food to last a couple of weeks. Hopefully the planet they landed on was lush. “I think we should head to bed, I don’t wanna think about this right now.” He told Cotur. “Yeah sure, I just need to calm down” They went to the back of the ship where some bunks were built into the walls. He sat down on the bed. He adjusted the sheets a bit then laid down. He tried to sleep but couldn’t the adrenaline still rushing through his body. He decided to try to go to sleep anyways. He finally dozed off, scared for the next day.
Pretty cool so far. Along the general storyline of starbound so far, but it's nice to see it in a detailed fashion like this. An actual story, not just a hastily made section of cutscenes. Keep it up!
Hm. As a story it's not bad and has potential. Captures the beginning of Starbound pretty well and has the dream sequence as a nice hook to get the reader interested. But ... You really need to look up how to do proper formatting and grammar. You should also vary your sentences up. Too many sentences start with "He ..." did this or that. You should also try to be more clear in what you're writing. For instance in "He was wearing a suit with a long coat and a fedora. He decided to go talk to the man" the second he is ambiguous and as it stands seems to refer to the man in the coat and fedora. In fact, the first he is also ambiguous because we know that "he" refers to a certain character so with the introduction of "the man" it becomes uncertain who "he" refers to. Some sentences are just weak overall. Like "He had never flown it before but knew how to fly it" could easily be improved to be something like "Although he had never flown it before, he knew how." Lastly, the characters are a little flat. They don't express enough emotion. Going through such an event would probably be much more traumatic and I doubt they would calmly be talking about going to bed. Add some more interaction! Are they scared? Show it in their actions and dialogue. Just some things to consider. I hope you don't take these critiques the wrong way. Just trying to help is all. (;
I know your trying to help. Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind. I have the second chapter halfway done because I've been very busy recently but I hope to have it out by January. Also, thanks for the compliments as well, I appreciate the support and advice.
Also I've been trying to work on the structure. I'm looking for how to make the structure for a narrative story, but so far no luck. I've mostly been going off of a Harry Potter book I have lying around.
