Stormus Warmagian - Excerpt from diary of Last Wizard

Discussion in 'Writing' started by I_am_the_Storm, Apr 17, 2017.

  1. I_am_the_Storm

    I_am_the_Storm Aquatic Astronaut

    Updated (17.5.2017)
    Stormus Warmagian - Excerpt from diary of Last Wizard has been made as a example of my writing style and to show you my writing skill and abilites.
    This particular episode isn't from actual story, but instead it serve as a 'test', how good or bad my concept is. It's created aside from the story, but lore, characters, previous events and such, are identical.
    If you want some more information about lore, background story, events, characters, current races or whatever shows up in you mind, let me know, either on this thread, my profile page, or via PM.
    Also, your thoughts and opinions are very appreciated. (And sorry for possible grammar mistakes)

    Jimmy Stonewell 'Stormus Warmagian' is 20 year old man with magical abilites. He has gained his magicial skills via 'Crystals of Warmagians' when he accidentaly scratched himself by one piece of this crystal. He owns a spaceship called 'Celticstar' and alongside with several friends, he decided to leave Earth and travel to planet named Meb'sharan in other galaxy. But they have ended in the uknown part of universe, without known chance to return.


    Kroo'nickaa - Self-proclaimed Goddess of Death, leader of Necromancers
    Inclans - Ancient civilization created by uknown being, formed from magic, machines, and living organisms.
    Nuans - Nation of inteligent reptiles
    Qaers - Nation of human-like beings, some of them are 'born' with wings, which are considered as a blessing of Maralei, the God of Qaers
    Darakhis - One of the Dragon Brothers, most powerful and intelligent
    Tartolis - Qaer's City underneath the surface on planet Veina, destroyed by Inclans



    Physical appearance : race : Human/Warmagian; gender : male; height : 186; weight : 70; hair : black medium; eyes : blue; age : 21
    Characteristic signs : He died, but he didn't mind it; during his 'rage' his eyes turn into white and loose control over his body;
    Inteligence : Not known, out of scale
    Personality : calm, honest, optimistic, protecting others;
    Personal quote : „Goddamit! Everyone tries to kill me, everything goes to hell, I have lack of cigarettes... just a normal day, I guess...“


    Physical appearance : race : Human: gender : female; height : 181; weight : 53; hair : black with red lines, long; eyes : green; age : 20
    Characteristic signs : She has a appearance of tough Punk-girl
    Inteligence : 139
    Personality : honest, good;
    Personal quote : „One more word, and I'll rip y'ur ba**s off... or whatever ya have under that skirt, man!“


    Physical appearance : uknown; gender : female;
    Characteristic signs : She died, and become a living intelligence of spaceship Celticstar; life of her sister Reina is more important than anything else;
    Inteligence : 134
    Personality : honest, provocative,
    Personal quote : „Ehh... I can't believe I 'live' in a machine, you know... My fate must be on drugs.“


    Physical appearance : race : Human; gender : male; height : 179; weight : 71; hair : brown, short; eyes : brown; age : 21;
    Characteristic signs : He using rude words; he talks fast; he has deeper voice than he think;
    Inteligence : 131
    Personality : rude, calm, good memory, sense of humour;
    Personal quote : „ Hell yeah bi**h! Let's Rock&Roll and kick them to bu**hole!“


    Physical appearance : race : Nuan; gender : male; height : 221; weight : 106; hair : doesn't have; eyes : yellow-green; age : unknown
    Characteristic signs : covered with green scales, bad articulation of human tongue
    Inteligence : not known
    Personality : calm, honest, loyal,
    Personal quote : „Teknology isss magic of future for all living beingsss.“


    Physical appearance : race : Qaer Angelis; gender : female; height : 203; weight : 59; hair : silver, medium long; eyes : silver: age : uknown,
    Characteristic signs : she have blue-silver wings.
    Inteligence : 153;
    Personality : calm, protecting others, brave, shy; she doesn't using rude words
    Personal quote : „Human beings never changes. They will be forever blinded by their own perfection.“


    Physical appearance : race : Alunidian; gender : female; height : 173; weight : 56; hair : blonde, longt; eyes : green, age : 20
    Characteristic signs : she doesn't remember her past; she have human appearance, but have dust instead of blood; she often using word „Right“
    Inteligence : 159
    Personality : calm, pacifist,
    Personal quote : „I am a student of medicine, not butcher! Yeah, I know it's the same thing, but you know, what I mean, right?“


    Physical appearance : race : Human: gender : male; height : 204; weight : 87; hair : blond, short; eyes : brown, age 23
    Characteristic signs : he defend his sister Amanda at all cost,
    Inteligence : 134
    Personality : honest, protecting others, fearful,
    Personal quote : „You can be God himself, but if you gonna hurt Amanda, I'll kill you and noone will stop me from doing that.“


    Physical appearance : race : Human; gender : female; height : 106; weight : 32; hair : blond, long; eyes : yellow; age : 9;
    Characteristic signs : she always have a teddy bear with her; she doesn't talk with anyone; she have strange supernatural abilites
    Inteligence : 179
    Personality : shy, calm,
    Personal quote : doesn't have one;


    Physical appearance : race : Human/Inclan; gender : female; height : 194; weight : 63; hair : brown, medium; eyes : brown; age : uknown
    Characteristic signs : she doesn't know, if she was first Human or Inclan; she have metalic bones and orange blood; she have tendencies to say 'Huh';
    Inteligence : uknown
    Personality : careful, passive paranoia;
    Personal quote : „What is created by magic, technology, hate, fear and desire to destroy everything, huh? Me.“


    DAY 19
    10.06 2017 Monday
    08:17 Celticstar - My room

    Uaahh... goddamnit... those beds are awful... I can't sleep properly and... Uaaaahhh... my body hurts from it... especially my left shoulder, but it's not because of this. Well... it's time to get out from this metal monster and go to the dinner room to get something to eat. Where's my shoes...? Oh, here they are... The door is open, I'm leaving my room and I see that everyone are still asleep... probably. Looks like I'm the first one, who is awaken... Uhm, well... I'm not the only one 'cause I have a 'tower', if you know what I mean, oh my future me. I don't even know, what kind of dream I had today. Better not know this, I guess.
    And while I'm on my way to the dinning room, I should make some notes...

    It's morning and it's time to...
    Wait... How can my mind-diary know its morning? I know it sound robot-ish, but by the look on it, I can clearly see date and time, altogether with notes which I'm currently creating. I mean... we are in uknown galaxy, maybe universe. There's no way to gain information like time and date without satellites- Mabye it's possible thanks to stars positions or something like that, but this probability is quite low. I didn't realize this before, and now, when I see it, it's just... weird. I'd never think about it, I'd think it's normal.
    Hmm... maybe it was set while I was on Earth. While I was waiting for the trans-dimensional train -bad name, I know, oh my future me-, to get to Tartolis with Elizabeth, I started to see these kind of information. Yeah, I know it's heavily based on my mind, but... I can't track the time all day. But... my sub-consciousnes can do it for me. It learned how long is the day on Earth, which day and year is now, and when to decide to change the previous things. But how? How it is even possible? I can't control it, everything I can do is type this text. Damn! How can I properly use my magic abilities when I can't master my own mind? Ahhh... I'll should ask Elizabeth about this. She knows more than me.
    I'll better write down the notes which I wanted to make for myself, before I'll forgot them. I'll skip the part with time though, 'cause its quite embarassing. So...


    It's been a while since anyone tried to attack us. No wonder they want us dead, after that 'incident' on Cars'Karesh. We are safe for now; we jumped from hyperspace, and Carmaen doesn't find anything, except for few planets. We are in the empty part of uknown galaxy and on the way to one from four planet in this system, where should be some sort of intelligent lifeforms. And because we are in the uknown corner of space, we don't know its name. I suppose we find it out right after we get there... I just hope we find there a better dealing with strangers than on Cars'Karesh.
    Second... We still don't know where we are. Carmaen has done some long-range scanning -or something like that- and she suggest, we should fly in one direction. I, personally, don't like this idea, especially when we don't know, what is out there. It can be everything... pirates, ships of Necromancers or something much worse. We all saw that medusa-like thing. It's miracle it doesn't had agressive behavior...
    And now to the other things.
    Elizabeth looks... calm. It's four days since Kroo'nickaa possesed her and tried to kill Victor. Her scars on face are still visible, but they slowly fade out, so I hope they dissapear after few days. They freaks out Amanda, Frank, and... me too, to be honest. Also, she doesn't want to speak about her escape. Everytime, when I'll ask her about this matter, she begins to talk about something else, or just leave somewhere. To this moment, we don't know the reason.
    As for Victor... he still have broken arm from the fight with Kroo'nicka in the body of Elizabeth, and several schratches from her sword. Victoria treated him, so he will be fine.
    Crodos's wound from battle -while we searched for Elizabeth in that hills- are healed completely. I'm glad it wasn't something worse, because that Necromancer had an oppurtunity to kill him instantly. Crodos was a soldier in Moon Legion, so his skills and abilites to survive in battle are briliant and saved his life. Good we have him here.
    And Heather's behavior is still fine. She doesn't make any trouble with anyone, and she act nice. I think it will be good to quit her monitoring and allow her to enter previously forbidden rooms. I have a good feeling from her, so I'll ask others, if they agree.


    Well... that's enough for now, 'cause I'm starving like hell. I'm now in the dining room, standing next to the fridge, so I'll open it, and see what can I get for breakfast. Hmm... by the look to the fridge, I guess... oh no... Damn it! I hate this purple meat, which smells like an old and used socks! Ahhhh... looks like I don't have other choice...
    Frank and Reina comming into room. These news will not make them happy.


    "Morning dude..."
    said Frank
    "Hi, Jimmy! Did ya eat something?" said Reina with hungry eyes
    Hungry eyes? That's a weird words. My mind-diary's auto-fillings are broken, I guess.
    "Hi. No, nothing. I've just woke up and there's only this purple meat."
    "What? It tastes like a garbage. Even dog would'n eat this sh**!"
    stated Frank and spit on the floor
    "Our rations from Earth are gone?" asked Reina with concern
    "Yup. All of them."
    "Fu**... It's y'or fault, Frank! Y'or mouth is like endless abyss; ya can eat everything and still ya are hungry, man! Did ya think about others, devourer?"
    shouted Reina on Frank
    Wow... so much anger... and from nothing.
    "Jeez... calm down girl! I've eat only if everyone eat. No midnight's raids on fridge 'cause I know we have a limited number of good'ol'Earth's food and food from depot taste like a crap."
    Reina looks depressed. She laid her right hand on Frank's shoulder.
    "O-oh... I'm sorry, man. I'm just frustrated from all of this sh**y events... I'd needed to vent it out of me."
    "That's okay. We are all frustrated as fu**."
    "I guess it's better than nothing, Reina. At least, we have something to eat, even it's not tasteful."
    I said
    "Yeah... that's true, man."
    Reina and Frank moving toward the table, and sit on the bench-like thing.
    "So... I think I should cook them first. Do you want too?"
    "Sure, why not?"

    Just don't use your magic or we are fu**ed up...“
    Ya don't believe in Jimmy's skills?“
    I'll just say this Reina... I don't want to have burned ba**s or eyebrows.“
    said Frank with grief

    Looks like others woke up. I see Crodos, Elizabeth, and Victoria, how they entering to room, so Heather, Victor and Amanda are still sleeping.
    "Hi, people. You sleep well?" I said right after they were in room
    "These beds are horrible, right. It may be better to sleep on the floor... Hey, Eliz? How can you sleep with your wings? I can't even imagine, how it must be uncomfortable, right."
    "I'm not sleeping. I just meditate, Victoria."
    replied Elizabeth on Victoria's question
    "Uhm... okay."
    "We, Qaers, don't need sleep as humans. We can meditate to regain our strenght."
    said Elizabeth and altogether with Crodos and Victoria, she sit on the bench
    "And you, Crodos? Do you sleep, right?
    "Of courssse. My racse love sssleep. We had a contessstsss in it."
    answered Crodos to Victoria's inquiry
    "Wow... Hihi, humans would have won this contest, right!"
    "I don't think ssso. Nuansss can sssleep up to fourty-two hoursss."

    Hahaha... Victoria is speechless. I love that sight...

    Everyone are behind the table and siting on the 'bench' thing. That reminds me, I'd forgot to clean up my blood under it... Did you see that, oh my future me? I'm getting old.
    "Are you hungry, guys and girls? I want to make our beloved purple meat for breakfast." I'd asked others
    "Purple meat? That doesn't sounds good, right."
    "Yeah. Ya didn't tried them, Victoria?"
    "I guess not."
    "Good for ya, then."
    "Is that so bad, right?"
    "Ya can't even imagine that, man..."
    said Reina
    Victoria looks in disgust. I'm not surprised.

    Damn... where did I put that frying pan? I swear I've put it here... I hope Crodos didn't use it for his drone-construction thing...
    "How 'bout you my lizard friend? You doing well?" asked Frank and turned toward Crodos
    "I feel good. Thanksss for asssking." said Crodos, and he tried to smile
    Smiling lizard is very interesting sight. Still wondering, how he can do those grimasess...
    "Do you still feel that flying bas**rd Darakhis?"
    "Fortunately, no. I think he isss too far from our curent posssition.“
    "That is a good sign. He is powerful being. Maybe like clear-blooded Inclans."
    said Elizabeth
    "That's not a good sign, Eliz. That means we are more than far from our home, man.
    „I wonder if that son-of-a-bi**ch returned to Earth to finish his job with humans..."
    „Stop, Frank!“
    shouted Reina and punched Frank's chest
    „Ugh... I'm just saying if he did... you know... Jimmy is here and we don't know when we will be able to return to Earth.“
    „IF we will be able to return, man...“
    uttered Reina with sadness in her voice
    "We'd barely survived, right. Armies on Earth are not prepared for such contact. They will be easily destroyed, right."
    We find a way, I promise..."
    I said
    Heh... I don't think they believe me. I'm not a good liar.
    „I hope y're not wrong, Jimmy.“
    What did I've just said?

    Ahh... I can't find my frying pan. I know I've put it there, but he's nowhere to be found. I don't want to cook with my magic! Last time, when I've used Caideri Ilumiane, the spell vent bad, and we were almost cooked alive in the Frank's car... I don't know what am I doing wrong...
    "It just... doesn't seems fair to be traped here. right" said Victoria while looking to the table's surface
    "Fair? What is fair? Life is a bi**h and she doesn't know what 'fair' means Victoria."
    "Fairness doesn't have anything to do with life, man. Don't forget, that our current situation was an accident, man."
    pronounced Reina to Frank
    Calm down, people... Don't worry, Victoria. There is a way and sooner or later, we find it... Carmaen?“
    Hmm... interesting. Carmaen doesn't responding to my call.
    „Carmaen? Are you okay?“ I asked again
    Hmm? Ah... sorry. I'm just busy...“ said Carmaen after while
    „Yeah? That is... uncommon. What do you do?“
    Nah, doing some research. I've found something floating in space and... I'm not sure... it looks like a ship but... I don't see any circuits, energy or crew.“
    „That's weird, man.“
    Yup. I'm pickin' up some strange things, but I can't figure out, what it is.“
    „Shipwreck... maybe?“
    I don't think so... Give me a sec, I've just found something...
    I have a bad feeling about this. Carmaen is silent for longer time than usually...

    Oh... sh**...!!“ shouted Carmaen on entire ship
    "What's going on, Carmaen?“
    Jimmy? You should see it for youself...“

    What the fu**? I don't like her tone... Allright, I'll go to the pilot's cabin, then...

    Okay, we're in pilot's cabin and others are just right behind me.
    „Where should I look?“
    Wait a moment, I'll zoom it for you... It's right in the middle.“ said Carmaen and small rectangle poped out in the middle of the screen
    „I see that. It looks like the ships we saw on Cars'Karesh, but... it doesn't at the same time.“
    Exactly. Do you see that thing on the left side of the ship? Something orange squirtin' from there...“
    „Yeah.
    Do you know, what it is?“
    „No. Tell me.“
    It's blood."
    My ears are malfunctioning...

    „What??“ I shouted with everyone else
    Right. It's blood. That ship is alive.“
    „How can be ship alive? Ships are machines. They are just a pieces of iron... or whatever those bas**rds are made from.“ cursed Frank
    I don't know how it's possible. Find someone else to ask this question, Frank."
    "Ahh, allright... Any signs of movement?" I asked Carmaen
    "I'm not sure, Jimmy... I don't see any movement or signatures of activity, but... oh, hold on... looks like there is another thing...“
    „What else?“
    I've pickin' up similiar thing as from Heather.“
    „What do you mean?“
    Heather is hybrid. Half human, half Inclan, isn't she?“
    „Yeah, she is.“
    So... I mean, that this 'ship' is half machine, half lifeform.“
    „Oh my fu**cking God... another fu**cking problem on our fu**ing list of problems..." cursed Frank again
    „Does Inclans created it?“
    asked Reina Carmaen
    Yes, I see same... how do I call it... eh, same 'aura', if you know what I mean.“
    „So... Inclans create hybrids of ships, too. That's great...“
    "I've never heard they can create something like that. Their experiments with other races are widely known. They even created a hybrids of Qaers and Inclans, or Nuans and Inclans, but this... this is horrible."
    peeped Elizabeth and shaked her wings with displeasure
    „They are more advanced than we'd think, man... and cruel as well.“
    „Yeah, unfortunately for us. We have ten days left, before whole Inclan's society will wake up and...“
    „You don't know if they will wake up or whatever they'll do Jimmy. You shouldn't take some old legend too seriously. Earth is full of sh**ty things like this.“
    said Frank with smile
    „But you are not me, Frank. You don't have such responsibility like me. You are not reason. Although... the Inclans are not the most powerful civilization in known universe... at least, that stays in letter from Cillimus.“
    „C'mon Jimmy! Maybe that innkeeper in Tartolis had wrong informations and whole legend is just a sh**load of nonsense.“
    „I'm just saying what I know, Frank. Inclans are real, and they can kill you in a blink of the eye. Even if the legend is untrue, it's better to be prepared.“
    "The legend may be true. Our racse have sssimiliar legend related to Inclansss."
    stated Crodos and turned his head toward Frank
    "Yeah yeah... Inclans may be real but legend. Did anyone of you heard 'bout Slenderman? Thousands of people believe in this fu**cking legend. They said they have an 'evidence' of him or witnessed his existence. And you know what? They have a sh** 'cause Slenderman is just a fairytale to scare people."
    "I hate this legend, man. Did ya had a need to say this, man?"
    said Reina and looked angrily on Frank
    "Don't tell me you believe in this crap Reina... All legends are same bullsh**."
    "That's different, Frank. It's called Cree..."
    Sorry for interruption, but we have a problem!“ screamed Carmaen suddenly
    „What's happening?“
    That 'ship' is moving in our direction!“
    „He is functional??“
    Yeah, and his weapon systems are active as well...!“
    „FU**...! Carmaen!? Raise our shield and enable manual controls for me! Frank? You have the weapons!" I yelled
    Fu**ing sh**! As we don't have now enough problems!
    They've just released a barrage of some sort of missiles!“
    „How many?“
    I asked Carmaen
    Twenty missiles heading our way...! I don't think our shields will block them.“
    „For fu**ing God's sake, man... Can't you be a little optimistic, sister?!"
    The missiles will hit us in three... two... one...!!!“


    09:04 Celticstar - Pilot's cabin
    Ahhh... for fu**ing sake... Are we alive? It seems so, 'cause my shoulder hurts like hell. Well... it will not suprise me if I am dead... wouldn't be the first time.
    By the quick look around me, it looks we've recieved a good hit. Reina, Crodos, Elizabeth, Victoria and Frank lying on the floor just like me and it doesn't look they are hurt. Time to stand up... but it's kinda hard to do it...

    Everyone is okay?“ shouted Carmaen
    I am. Guys? Are you allright?“
    Kind of, right.. How about you, Reina?“ asked Victoria about Reina's health
    I'm fine, man... AGHH!! ...but my leg isn't...“ whispered Reina and grabed her left leg in pain
    I'll look at you. Hold on.“
    Crodos, Elizabeth and Frank standing up from the iron floor. They looking fine, but I can't say the same thing about Reina; her old wound has been opened from that fall to the ground, and she's bleeding. Victoria trying to stop her bleeding with torn piece from her clothing. There's no way I can help her now.
    Carmaen? What's our status?“ I questioned Carmaen
    Our shields are down and engines are malfunctioning. I don't see any serious damages.“
    How 'bout that motherfu**ing bit**?“ avered Frank
    They disabled their weapon systems and currently flying to us.“
    I think they want to board our ssship and kill usss in perssson.“ stated Crodos calmly
    Me too. How much time we have before they arrive here?“ I asked
    Two... three minutes, I'm not sure.“
    That's great... Are we able to move somewhere?“
    Yeah, but we can't jump to that hyperspace-y thing. Normal flight is possible, though.“
    Fine. Set the course away from them.“
    They are faster. We don't have a chance to... Wait! My scanner picking up increasing amount of energy!“
    I've always knew we will be fu**ed up, man!“ cursed Reina
    Shut up, Reina!“ responded Victoria quickly
    I see the same energy coming from hangar and dining room!“
    Those bit**es have teleporter?!“ shouted Frank
    It seem so.“
    Okay... Everyone will stay here. Me and Elizabeth will take care of them.“
    I'll go with you.“ said Frank to me
    Do you have weapon with you?“
    Of course, dude. This little beauty is my girlfriend now.“ said Frank and picked up his pistol from his pants
    Fine. Just don't get shot yourself.“
    Said man who survived the shot to the heart and was impaled by dragon's tail...“ mumbles Frank and stand next to me, pointing his pistol to the corridor
    Jimmy? I see those invaders. Four of those creatures heading to your position.“
    Are they hybrids or pure-blooded Inclans?“ asked Elizabeth and summoned her sword
    I don't know... I have several basic informations about Inclans, but I can't find any informations about these beings.“
    We kick their a**es whatever they are and whatever they have!“
    Strong words, Frank... Try not to kill yourselfs, folks. Let's go.“

    That silence stressing me out and I think I'm not the only one, who feeling it same way. The only sounds around here are our footsteps on the iron floor, spluttering lights and our heavy breath. At least I don't hear anything else. The lights are damaged, they flickering rapidly and thus creating dark, yet somehow intersting and familiar atmosphere. I swear I've seen something like this somewhere... and that creeps me out.
    We are now on the ship's 'crossroad'. On our left are quarters for us, common room and room with that water-making-clearing machine, in front is corridor leading to hangar, depot and engine room, and to our right is dining room and two empty rooms. It doesn't seem that something movin to our position, but I don't put my hand to the fire for that.

    Where are those motherfu**ers?“ whispered Frank and looked around
    How am I supposed to know that, Frank?“
    They are near. I feel them.“ stated Elizabeth with sword pointed towards hangar
    Larger probability is that you feel my feet...“ groused Frank innocently
    What do you mean?“
    What?“
    Your words does not make sense to me, Frank.“
    Oh geeez... Do I have the occasion for that?“
    She's Qaer, Frank. She simply don't understa....“
    WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!?? That doesn't sounds good at all...
    A several roars echoes throughout the ship. That sounds are coming from front, and right; the hangar and dining room, just as Carmaen said.

    Oh no...!!“ whispered scared Elizabeth
    Oh-oh... Elizabeth is scared. She is a type of person, who is not easily scared.
    Half-blooded Inclans!!“ yelled Elizabeth
    Carmaen said they aren't Inclans so how can you know that?“ asked Frank
    That is a mistake. I have heard their roar before... only good thing is they are not clear-blooded.“ answered Elizabeth with sigh
    Is there a difference? Wait... I don't want to even hear a fu**ing word.“
    If we survive this, you owe me an explanation, Elizabeth.“
    Dammit... I think they are moving!
    Did you hear that? Looks like they moving to us.“ I warned others
    Now I wish for some Ba**s of Steel...“ stated Frank with lowered voice
    Get ready! This will be nasty...!“
    The sounds slowly approaching to us. It's some kind of heavy steps, because they are loud and floor vibrates from that. I think the size of ship's interior is quite a disadvantage now.
    Okay, time to summon my lightning spear on my right hand! Hmm... I rather create one more spear on the same hand, just to be sure. Yeah, i can create multiple lightning spears on my hand, but I don't want to repeat that 'accident' from hospital.


    I think I see one of them. He -or she, I don't know their gender- is coming from hangar, so I'll throw my spell on him. My spear flying... and flying... and flying... That's a liability of mind-diary; during one second I can rack up several sentences.
    My spear hited him to left side of it's torso and lighten up near surrounding. And while he's illuminated, I'll try to describe him/her briefly. So... It's approximately 280cm tall and 150cm wide with one additional arm soaring from its back, right arm isn't actual arm but some kind of weapon, there're tons of various tubes leading... somewhere, few spikes and horns stick out from its head and it's 'skin' colour is dark-green, mabye dark-brown, I'm not sure. True abomination from deepest layers of Hell... or space. Cyberdemon is nothing in comparison to this monstrosity. I really need a chainsaw now...
    Frank already begun shooting on this 'thing' from his pistol and Elizabeth's sword glowing with white, mild glow. Looks like her sword char...
    FU**!! YOU SON-OF-A-BIT**!! Holy cow, that was close... That bast**d fired from his weapon and in the last moment I was able to block his shot with Repulsae! It was some kind of energy projectile and the spot, where landed this projectile, is completely burned.
    Elizabeth's sword now glowing more. She pointing her sword against the creature, one mili-second after, a white ball of some kind of energy is created on the blade, which rapidly moving to him...
    Bullseye!! Right to the face! The half-blooded Inclan has his head torned apart. And because this isn't a movie, it's a gruesome sight, just in front of our eyes; the Inclan falling to the ground with blood spouting few meters away from his head. One down, three left.
    Two Inclans approaching from right side. They are further than first, so we have little time to spare.

    Elizabeth? Charge you sword again, there's two of them on our right side.“
    I will, but I need to wait few minutes.“
    We don't even have a one fu**ing minute!“ cursed Frank
    He's right. We don't have a time to wait. There should be three left; two on our right, and one in front of us. So... You two will take care the front and I'll try to stop those two on our right.“
    That's a suicide but I guess we don't have other choice.“
    Okay, be careful. GO!“
    Frank and Elizabeth running to the hangar. I hope they will be fine...
    Allright... Look like those two half-blooded Inclans are near, so I'll go towards them. There's a narrow lane, so that can be benefit for me. But still... I don't have the idea, how to stop them...


    Here they are! They slowly moving through that narrow lane, which is narrow enough to prevent them being beside each other. It's pretty dark here so I think they didn't...
    AGGHHH!!!! FU**! My mistake... THEY SAW ME!
    The first Inclan fired from his weapon, the projectile hit the ground before me, and I'd fly three meters away! Damm... my whole body hurts from that! I must quickly stand up...
    Fine, I standing on my feet. The Inclans are obviously suprised I'm still alive. Well... Me too. I'll bettter do something before they do something worse...
    Hmmm, how 'bout this...? I'll cast Waternar on the ground few inches in front of them, then two times more, and then I'll cast Repulsae to create a big water beam to knock them down. Or similiar thing with Caideri Illumiane; cast this spell and then use Repulsae to make nice and hot stream of fire... or overcharge my lightning spear, just like in hospital... Nah, that won't work. How about...
    Yeaah... I've just got a good idea! Let's get right into it!
    Okay... at first, I'll create Waternar on the ground with my left hand... and then make a flux of water via Repulsae with right hand... Good, they are sprayed with water! And now I'll throw my...
    YOU A**HOLE!! Phew, that was more than close! Inclan's projectile from canon -of some sort- just missed my head, and impact against wall four meters behind me...! My patience running low. The stream of water is still active, so I'll throw my lightning spear right into it!
    HAHA!! Take that, you bit**es! That will give you a spark to your lives! But... damn, that's brutal as hell... and dangerous as well. I'll better cancel my spell, just to be safe. I don't want to destroy my ship.
    As soon as lightning spear touched the streaming water, the water transformed into huge blade of electricity, which created a hole in the Inclans's torso, resulting in jet of orange blood and their fall. Real battles are more than violent; squirtin blood, fractured head, missing bodyparts... all of this is in my sight. Fu** those battles, they never bring something good to... OH MY GOD!! I'd forgot about Frank and Elizabeth!! I'm idiot! Hurry up to the hangar!! I'm bit**ing about nonsense and forget about my friends! DAMMIT...!!


    Gosh... they are fine. Elizabeth just pierced Inclan's head with her sword. For one second -fine, more than one-, I'd think they are dead, and now, when I see this... it's huge relief.
    Yeah!! You face, your a**... what's the difference?“ shouted Frank on Inclan's corpse
    There is a difference between body parts of every being, Frank.“
    No. There isn't a difference Elizabeth. The famous a**-kicker and crutch-puncher can prove it to you and even without bubble gum."
    As I said before, your words does not make sense to me.“
    Oh, girl... how I envy you... Elizabeth saw me and walking to me.
    Are you injured, Jimmy?“ asked Elizabeth and checked me with her sight
    No, but thanks for asking. You?“
    I am fine, thank you.“
    Hey Jimmy!? Still alive?“ yelled at me Frank and approached us
    Yeah, it's odd, I know. How about you?“
    You know... this son-of-a-bit** give us a lot of trouble but we killed him as you can see...“
    You two together or just Elizabeth?“
    How dare you?!“
    Frank was a great help in the battle. He is a warrior in his heart and deserve my veneration.“
    I'm glad to hear that. We've been dead without you two.“
    You liar...“
    I'm telling the truth... Allright, you two will go back to others, and I'll check Victor, Amanda, and Heather.“
    Well... that's done. The enemy has been beat for now. I hope they didn't call their reinforcements...
    We are on the crossroad. Elizabeth with Frank going to pilot's cabin, so I'll go to the quarters...
    AHHH!! Phew... that's Victor with Amanda by his side and Heather behind him. My heart beating like I running the marathon!

    Goddammit, Victor... You scared me!“
    I'm sorry, Jimmy. What's happened?“ asked Victor while holding Amanda's hand
    We were attacked by Inclans.“
    Yes, we feeled that something happened... Where are others?“
    They are in the pilot's cabin. Only Reina is injured.“
    Is she okay??“ shouted Victor
    Calm down, Victor. Her leg is wounded, but Victoria treat her.“
    I hope she will be fine.“
    Me too. By the way... Heather? How did you get out from your room? The shield was on.“
    Maybe it was damaged during that blow.“
    Fine. As soon as Crodos repair the...“
    You don't believe me, huh?“ interrupted me Heather
    I didn't say that.“
    You think I turned them off, huh?“
    Stop, Heather.“
    You will never believe me.“
    Hey! I'm not accusing you for anything what happened here. If I'd think otherwise, I'd kill you right after you entered on my ship!“
    So what's the point of shield, huh?“
    I just want to be sure you are not dangerous to us.“
    Okaayy... That means you hate me, because you think I'm your enemy...“
    Don't give me a reason to lock you up again, Heather!“
    Fine, fine... I'll shut up, huh...“
    Geeez... I have a headache from her... I guess I'll rethink my decision to disable shield around her room.

    We arrived to the pilot's cabin. Reina is back on her feet, Crodos with Frank examining damages here, Elizabeth stand on guard near door to this room and Victoria looking at the screen with Inclan's ship in the middle.
    Carmaen? Do you hear me?“
    Yes, loud and clear.“ responded Carmaen on my call
    So... Do we have functional weapon systems?“
    Yeah, but what do you want to do with them?“
    Isn't that obvious? I want to destroy that ship.“
    That's pointless. It's without energy, lifeforms or will to move. It just floating there...“
    But it's not guaranteed that they aren't planning their next attack.“
    I agree. They may plan something.“ said Elizabeth and start to clean her sword
    Is everyone okay with that?“ I asked others
    Looks like they are. Nobody complain about our decision.
    Fine. Carmaen? Allow manual control of weapon systems.“
    Give me a second... Done.“
    I'll move to the panel with weapon systems, I've used it just once; when Crodos was attacked by pirates, so I hope I don't miss.
    Hmm... this button says it's for manual targeting, so I push it. Next... I must select the weapons... which is kinda problem. Last time I've pushed something randomly and two rocket-like projectiles launched from our launchers, but I don't know, which buttons it was... I need a manual for this ship. All I know is that weapons are transformable; several different types of weapons are in one turret or ship's cannon. I don't know how it's possible, but one thing is certain; Savarens was most advanced in technology from all known races in known galaxies -when they were still alive-, so it's no suprise they developed something like multi-weapons. But I'm not sure about their purpose; for defending, or for destroying everything but Savarens?
    I just push two random buttons... this and... maybe this, and press the button for fire. Lets see, what happens...
    We hear, how hatches above our heads are opening. And now we see tens of small, thin, fast purple projectiles flying toward Inclan's ship. They looks like lasers, but I'm not completely sure. They piercing through Inclan's ship like hot knife through butter. The enemy's ship is quickly teared apart with many small explosions, and now... all what remains is wreckage and tons of rubbles.

    The Inclan's ship has been destroyed.“ stated Carmaen after few seconds
    Don't say so...“ mumbled Frank
    Okay. What is damaged on our ship?“
    It isn't big deal, if you ask me. Our shields blocked large portion of damage. Front side of ship and left engine are damaged. There's a few minor damages, but I can send my micro-bots to repair them. We should...“
    Wait a second...!“ I shouted suddenly
    What? This must be a some sort of joke!
    Did you just said... micro-bots?“ I asked afterwards
    Yes, I did. Is there a problem?“
    N-no, but... I know nothing about those micro-bots!“
    You don't? I didn't told you about my new micro-bots?“ said surprised Carmaen
    I'm afraid you didn't.“
    My holy cables! I'm sorry, Jimmy! I'd think you know about them...!“
    There's two options... first, Carmaen didn't told me about those micro-bots, or second, I don't remember that.

    Allright, that's fine... So what are those micro-bots you mentioned?“
    They are microscopic robots, as can suspect. Their task is repair every damage, inside or outside of this ship. They are entirely controled by me... well, I can control their movement and amount, except their tasks.“
    Sounds useful... How serious damages they can repair?“
    Well... engine is completely out of their capabilites. Repair of front hull and shields should be possible, but it will take moderate amount of time and energy. As for inside of ship... that's nothing for them, they repair my cables, circuits and energy network in two hours, maybe less.“
    I can repair our enginesss. We have all required toolsss, but I cannot do that in open ssspace. We need to be on sssolid ground.“ sugessted Crodos and looked at me
    Good idea. Carmaen? How about those planet you found before? Are they uninhabited?“
    Nope. They are inhabited with various lifeforms. Are you looking for empty planet?“
    Yes. It will be better to be alone. No lifeforms, no problems.“
    Allright, I'll try to find one. I'll do some deep scanning, but it's quite complex, so I'll turn off myself for a while... if you don't mind.“
    Sure, go ahead. Let us know when you find one.“
    Okay...“
    One problem will be solved, hundreds of other problems and questions remains...

    So... what we should do now?“ asked Frank after few seconds of silence
    Honestly? I don't know, Frank.“
    That's weird. You always have a plan.“
    I don't have a plans. I'm improvising, just like you, Frank.“
    But you are better in that than we.“
    I don't think so...“
    I hate when somone looking at me and awaiting 'orders'. Do they think I am their leader or what? I'm just a regular guy, who failed in every aspect of life. How can I be a leader? Frank is more qualified than me; he got charisma, ability to convince people and if he want, he can talk like prime minister. Some magical skills, spaceship and ability to survive fatal injuries doesn't make a leader from me... Or does it? Ahhh... Looks like I don't have other choice...
    Okay. Victor? Take Reina to her room and make sure she didn't move until Victoria says otherwise.“ I said to Victor
    Hey! I'm not disabled person, man!“ taunted Reina
    You are, Reina. You have taut muscles and you're bleeding. You need to rest.“ said Victoria in response to Reina's words
    Listen to her. She is a doctor here.“ said Frank
    Medical student, please. I'm not a qualified doctor, right.“
    But still you know about health more than rest of us.“
    Okay... I'll take a rest, man. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about that!“ taunted Reina again
    Don't worry. Me and Amanda will be with you.“ said Victor and smiled on Reina
    Hehehe... Reina isn't happy about that. As I was told before, she likes Victor, and it seem that Victor likes Reina. She is getting nervous in his close presence.
    Victor leaving this room altogether with Victoria and Reina in his arms; just like princess. She starring at me with disbelief and I bet she hates me now.

    Elizabeth? Can I ask you to cut off the Inclan's weapons?“
    As you wish, Jimmy. But... Can I know the reason for it?“ asked Elizabeth
    If we can find out their technology, we can use it to our advantage. Oh, before you leave, Elizabeth... After you finnish that, take Victoria and Heather with you, and examine one of them.“
    Why should I go with her, huh? She kill me right after I'll show her my back!“ shouted Heather on me while looking at Elizabeth
    Don't be ridiculous, Heather. She doesn't hurt you, at least not without a good reason.“ I said
    You are an imbecile, Jimmy! You still think I'm dangerous for all of you, huh?!“ screamed Heather again
    With this behavior... yes, I do.“
    What have I done to you, huh?! I didn't do anything wrong!“
    I warn you, Heather! Stop! Right now!“
    All of you hate me, huh?! You lock me up like some wild animal and nobody gives a fu** about me!“ continues Heather in screaming
    I don't have a patience for this! And Elizabeth feeling the same thing, because she summoned her sword and pointed it at raging Heather.
    Calm down, Heather. We are not your enemies.“ stated Elizabeth
    But you acting like I am you enemy, huh! I'm your friend, but you can't see that!“
    That's enough!! Elizabeth? Escort Heather to her room and guard her door until I come to you. If she try something, knock her.“
    Of course.“ said Elizabeth and nod at me
    Elizabeth pushed Heather in front of herself and while pointing her sword to Heather's back, they going out of this room. Damm... I'd think it's gonna be okay, but isn't.
    She is crazy as fu**!“ said grinning Frank with raised left eyebrow
    Tell me Jimmy... Why do we have her here?“
    I can't allow her to roam Earth's surface. Her abilities are dangerous for people on Earth. Also, she looked normal, when she entered on this ship. I didn't suspect she will be paranoid.“
    Yeah... she don't have a reason to be such bit**.
    Her behavior isss very odd, indeed. But I think it isss not her fault.“ told us Crodos
    Me too, Crodos, me too. She is half Inclan and half human. I think that's the reason of her paranoia.“
    I hope she will not try to kill us in our sleep.“ rendered Frank his worries
    Me and Elizabeth will watch over her until we fix our shields. Better be careful than sorry.“ I said
    I wonder if Victoria can do psychologist survey on Heather... Yeah, I know, oh my future me, that she isn't a psychologist, but if she is a medical student, she might have some knowledge about overall behavior. Hmm... I'll ask her about that later.
    Crodos? How advancing the creation of your drone?“ I asked
    Gunganreen isss almossst finissshed. I jussst need to verify battery valuesss and adjussst consssumption of energy.“
    That's a good news. Just a thought... it's possible to add weapons on it? We could use some additional defense in case of ambush or attack.“
    Sssure. But I will need weaponsss for that.“
    ROCKET LAUNCHERS!!“ shouted Frank suddenly
    Damm... he scared the sh** out of me!
    It isss posssible, yesss.“
    FU** YEAH!!“
    There's catch in it, Frank, In case of defense, it can kill us.“
    You always ruin my happines don't you?“ said Frank with false grief in his voice
    I think it isss posssible to modify itsss launching sssyssstem.“
    Great! But first, we need to find some weapons. All we have here are five pistols retrieved from hybrid's agents from hospital on Earth, and my Glock 20.“
    I can disssmantle thossse pistols and ussse their partsss to create a more effective weapon.“
    Here is an issue... Do we need quantity or quality? I mean... bigger weapon is awesome but we need something to defend our sh**ty butts.“ pointed out Frank an untold question
    Yeah, that's problem. Well... I'll leave it to you, Crodos.“
    I will try to create a weapon from materialsss from depot.“
    As you wish. friend.“
    Crodose leaving pilot's cabin. He is a smart guy, I'm sure he come with something...
    Me and Frank are now the only persons here.

    I'm awaiting your orders Cap'n!“ saluted Frank and stand to attention
    Stop, Frank...“
    Haha... I know you hate that...“ laughed Frank and stand normally
    You know... Maybe I'm weird but I'm kinda excited about all of this sh**.“
    Yeah? You are the only one, I guess.“
    C'mon... don't tell me you want to return to that little blue planet called 'Earth' filled with morons and corrupted government?“
    Eh... kinda... Earth is doomed, but it's our home. Don't forget that.“
    Do you remember the times when we were lying on the roof and dreamed about space alongside other things?“
    Yeah, I do. I'd never imagined I will become a space traveler.“
    It's funny isn't it? Our dreams trasformed into a reality... at least yours.“
    True... but I've never dreamed about some kind of demons in spaceships.“
    Or about paranoid half-demon girl...“
    Heh... that's right. I'll better go check her out.“
    You like her don't you?“
    She's not my type.“
    And who is your type eh? Reina...? Victoria...?“
    Shut up...“
    Got'ya! I knew you like Victoria!“
    You are quite sure about that...“
    Jimmy... I know you for my entire fu**ing life. If you didn't like her then you won't say a word. But because you said 'shut up' you said me you like her.“
    Fine, I like her. So what?“
    I'm just proud of you.“
    Why?“
    Because you found a girlfriend sooner than me.“
    I don't think so.“
    What do you mean?“
    Did you forget about Elizabeth?“
    Nah... I think she doesn't like humans.“
    That's a mistake.“
    Did she told you she likes me?“
    Go ask her for yourself.“
    Fine I'll go to... no I won't. I don't have a courage for that.“
    Then how can you find if she likes you or not?“
    Uhmm... I don't know. Maybe you can tell me?“
    Sorry, dude.“
    Coward!“
    But if you want, I can send her to you.“
    Don't you dare...“
    Allright, allright... Well, it's about time to check Heather.“
    Fine. I'll check the radar and then I'll go to Crodos if he doesn't need a help.“
    Okay.“
    Damn those dialogues... I need to take a break from that. But first, I'll check Heather.
    Ah... Victoria standing near portal to pilot's cabin. She starring at me... I don't like speechless starring at each other, so I'll better move on. But... what if she heard my conversation with Frank?
    Oh, sh**...


    I am in the quarters now, so let's walk to stairs here and look at Heather. As I assumed, Elizabeth standing on guard in front of doors to Heather's room.
    Is she calm now?“ I asked Elizabeth about Heather's mind condition
    Yes, she is. She tried to attack me, so I was forced to stun her with hilt of my sword.“
    Damn... I really hoped she will act nicely.“
    Me too. I have put her on the bed and now is asleep. I am not sure, how long it takes to woke up.“
    Fine...“
    Hmm... Why do I have a 'taste' to send Elizabeth to Frank?
    I'll take care of it now because Frank want to talk with you. Urgently.“ I said
    That is strange.“
    Yes. He said something about 'relationship', but he didn't tell me more.“
    Good. I will go to talk with him, then.“ said surprised Elizabeth and descend the stairs
    He will be surprised a lot. I wonder if he gather enough courage to tell Elizabeth that he like her.
    One minute has passed, so I expect...

    JIMMY!!! YOU SON-OF-A-BIT**!!!“ shouted Frank suddenly from pilot's cabin.
    Hehe... Just in time! Elizabeth get to Frank and he isn't happy about that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that Elizabeth and Frank can create a nice couple. Yeah, there are differences; he is human and she is Qaer or he is 'bast**d' of first grade -in good meaning of words- and she is a literal angel. But I think that if they like each other -and word IF is important- they wouldn't mind such differences. They are on their own, I only want to help them to find a 'way' to each other. But on the other hand... maybe my action was a little bit reckless.
    Well... everything looks fine here, everyone has something to do and Carmaen's scanning take some time. Now is three minutes before tenth, so I'll take a break from all of this mind-writing, at least for few minutes...


    10:19 Celticstar - Qaerters
    Jimmy? I finnished the scanning.“ announced me Carmaen
    Damm... that was quick. Almost twenty minutes passed from last entry...
    Yeah? Did you find something interesting?“
    Come look for yourself. You will be surprised...“
    Allright. I'm on my way.“ I said and descend stairs
    I wonder what did she find. Her voice was 'excited', I dare to say.
    I'd also set the course to that planet a while ago, so we are on orbit now. I hope you don't mind it.“ pronounced Carmaen afterwards
    Not at all, you saved our time.“
    Now I'm entering the pilot's cabin. Frank, Elizabeth and Victoria are here, so others mind their bussiness. Only Frank's sight says 'I'm gonna kill you, a**hole!'. I don't blame him for that.
    So let's look at the screen and see, what do we have here... Sixtytwo percent of water and rest is solid ground, size is about two Earths, breathable atmosphere, three dormant volcanos on the opposite side of planet, estimated temperatures during day are around nineteen degrees above zero... looks promising.

    So... what do you say?“ asked me Carmaen
    I feel like I'm looking on Earth, to be honest.“
    That makes two of us, right.“ uttered Victoria while looking at screen
    As you can see, there's sixtytwo percent of water and breathable atmosphere. That means there may be a life of some sort. I don't even know how I missed this planet and solar system, with recpect to distance...“ sigh Carmaen
    Yeah, I didn't supposed we find a planet this close to us... Any signs of energy or electricity?“ I questioned Carmaen
    If you think like cities or civilization, no. At least I don't see it.“
    Fine. Call Crodos, Reina and Victor and tell them to come here.“
    Allright... TO ALL CREWMEMBERS, REPORT TO THE PILOT'S CABIN. CAPTAIN'S ORDER!“ echoed throughout the ship
    Crewmembers you said? So where's our payment?“ asked Frank and raised his eyebrow
    Our payment is this... a new Earth-like planet with life support.“ responded Victoria and pointed her right hand at screen
    We are the first Eathlings, who found habitable planet. This accomplishment is priceless.“ I said
    That was joke people... But yeah I'm sure the guys from NASA will rip their ba**s off only to find planet like this.“ stated Frank with smile
    I hear steps... ah, that's Crodos, Amanda and Reina leaning on Victor. For one second, I'd think we are attacked again.
    Did we miss something?“ asked Victor right after they stepped to this room
    Not at all, folks. Carmaen has found a promising planet, where we can land and repair our ship.“ I announced fresh news
    Is this a Earth, man?“
    No, unfortunately.“
    But it looks like Earth. That's a good sight, man...“ sigh Reina with her eyes stick on the screen
    Eyes stick on the screen? Does that make sense? Geez... mind-diary's autofillings are broken again...
    So, folks... let's not waste our time and prepare yourselfs for descend.“ I said and sit down to the chair in front of control panel for manual movement
    Just promise us something Jimmy...“ said Frank suddenly
    And what?“
    Be gentle. We want to survive that descend.“
    If you want, take a seat here and take us down, Frank.“
    Uhmm... I wanted to say Jimmy that you are a good pilot and we trust you.“
    I'm sure about that...“
    Frank is right. I'm terrible pilot, so it will be a miracle if we survive that in health.
    Okay... manual control is activated, so let's push the button for automatic stabilization, twice this button for decrease speed -'cause we don't want to die during descend- and finally grab that joystick-ey thing. The ship is moving towards planet pretty fast, so I'll decrease the speed by... let say... twentyfife percent... Yeah, that's better. I'm just like the feather in the mild wind, no sudden moves, no hurry, no worries about...
    OH SH**!! WE'VE BEEN HIT!! And I thought that this will be easy!! Fu**king asteroids!!

    What the fu**, Carmaen?! There's asteroids!“ I shouted on Carmaen while trying to avoid more asteroids
    I'm sorry, but I'm suprised like you! I didn't see them!“ apologized Carmaen
    I'm sorry to say that, but my scan system and radar are damaged... We are blind!“
    That's fu**ing great...“
    I can't believe this... We are without radar, shields, and in the middle of asteroid cluster. Really awesome...
    I need to calm down, we get out of worse sh** than this, this can be a piece of cake... I think I see the end of the cluster, so let's focus on my flight. Aaaand... WE ARE OUT! Scratched and shocked, but fine nevertheless.

    Goddammit Jimmy! I owe you a beer!“ said happy Frank and slaped my shoulder
    Don't celebrate, Frank. We aren't there yet.“
    We approaching the planet's atmosphere because an orange flames appearing in our sights.
    Allright, folks! Here we go!“ I warned others about our descend
    Damn... Celticstar is shaking as hell! I didn't experienced such shaking when I've entered the Earth's atmosphere after our excape from planet Veina!
    Now we flying through the clouds. They are pretty dense! I think we should see the ground in every seco...
    FUUU**!!! UPWARD! UPWARD! Holy cow...! That was a heluva close! We almost destroyed ourselfs in the hill! Good god... I swear I have heartattack...! Note for myself; don't fly straight to the ground!
    Well... looks like we are fine now. The next thing is to find a spot for landing. There are forests around here, altogether with small lakes of some sort. Good thing is that sun shine on the land, so it's pretty visible here. Hmm... there is a nice spot near the big lake; it reminds me a circle. Okay, so let's fly upwards a little bit, right above this spot... rotate our engines -even if one is damaged- by ninety degree... and then slowly land our butts to the ground... and finally, disable our engine and automatic stabilization. Phew... that was intense!

    Are you okay, people?“ I asked other and turned myself backwards
    Yeah... but my stomach really hates you now, man...“ said Reina while holding her stomach
    Everyone has a colour of green apple. Me too, I suppose...
    Let's take a second round!“ shouted Frank
    NO! Please... no!!“ screamed everyone else at me
    I'm kidding folks.“
    That was a terrible joke, Frank.“ said Reina and punched Frank to the shoulder
    Allright. Victor, Victoria, Frank, Crodos and Reina... you'll go to the depot and pick up all pistols. You may need them.“
    Aye aye cap'n!“ shouted Frank and saluted me
    Stop, Frank... Elizabeth? You and me will go outside as first“
    I understand.“ said Elizabeth and nod at me
    So let's go...“
    I hope we don't encounter native inhabitants of this planet... or some hungry animals. All I want is to repair this ship, and get the hell out of here. But... maybe I'll change my mind.

    Carmaen? Open the gate to outside, please.“ I said to Carmaen
    As you wish."
    The gate is opening, and beams of sunlight falling on the ship's ground. This isn't Earth, but I'm glad I see sunlight.
    Me and Elizabeth are going outside and now we stepped on the solid ground. It's interesting feeling, though. But damn... it's wonderfull nature here; warm, soft breeze, flowers and tall trees of all colours, oddly shaped rocks, blue sky, crystal-clear water... living paradise, I dare to say. Well... that volcano isn't the part of this paradise, but it looks inactive, so no big deal.

    Wonderful place...“ said Elizabeth with awe
    True. Paradise untouched by civilization.“
    You mean like human civilization?“ asked Elizabeth while looking around
    Yes. Humans will destroy this place with tall buildings, factories, and power plants. Fortunately, they aren't here.“
    It seem that nobody is here but us.“
    Yeah... Let's split up and make sure we are alone.“ I suggested
    So where do I go? I know... I'll go to see our damages on ship.
    Oh, dear... this looks pretty bad. There's a hole with one meter in average in the front of ship, hundreds of tiny holes and scratches, sticking out cables and wires, destroyed left engine, fissure on the left hull... It's miracle that is still able to fly. It's for sure we need to fix all of those damages, because otherwise we risk some serious problems. Question is : how?
    Except for leaves on tress and flowers, I don't see any movement here. I see quite far, and I don't see any animals... even birds aren't flying on the sky. The only sound arround here is wind and hum of water. Kinda creepy. Well... Nothing to see here, so I'll get back to to ship's entrance.
    In front of the ship's entrance standing my friends. Victor, Reina, Crodos, Frank and Victoria have pistols behind their pants. I don't see Heather, so she is still in the coma.

    Quite impressive place, man...“ said Reina to Victor
    Yes, it is. It's very calm here.“ responded Victor
    But there is something strange...“ implyed Frank and raised his head
    What is it, man?“ asked Reina
    The sounds and animals. I've expected some kind of birds but I didn't see one.“
    Yeah, that's weird.“
    I don't how 'bout you folks but I don't like the silence here.“
    I agree, right. When Elizabeth gone missing, me, Frank, Crodos and Jimmy went to find her. When we was in the woods, there was the same silence as here now. I'm still creeped out from this, right...“ stated Victoria with distorted voice
    Yup... that scared the sh** out of me.“
    But we've made it.“ I said suddenly and walked toward others, while everyone looked in my direction
    We found Elizabeth, returned to car and leaved that haunted place.“ I said afterwards
    Yeah... Operation 'Save the Angel' was succesful.“
    I am not an angel. I am Qaer.“ replied Elibaeth to Frank
    Geez...“ mumbled Frank and slaped his forehead
    Fine, people. Let's devide our tasks...“ I suggested
    Crodos? Can I ask you to begin repair the most serious damages?“
    Of courssse.“
    Elizabeth with Victoria will...“
    Huh?! That sound was like cracking branch or something, coming from behind the trees on our right side...
    Jimmy? Are you okay, right?“ asked Victoria
    Yeah, but... Did anybody heard that sound?“
    What sound?“ asked Victoria again
    I don't know... like cracking branch or twigs...“
    Maybe it's just animals. Maybe they are here but we didn't saw them.“ said Frank
    Maybe... or maybe not.“
    And again that sound... I assume we are not alone...
    Yup. I've heard that too now!“ mumbled Frank
    Hey! Look at the water...!“ shouted Reina
    I don't like this... the whole lake gurgles, like someone breathing under the water surface... or something...
    O-oh! The ground under our feets is shaking! It's loud!

    I'm ain't afraid the old quake!!“ screamed loudly Frank
    I take my words back... this place isn't impresive at all, man!“
    Look!! Something crowling out of the water!!“ shouted Victor and pointed on the big lake
    Maybe it's fu**ing time to change our position... and FAST!!“ suggest Frank

    The shaking escalates rapidly, just like the gurgling of the water! And now we can see...
    WHAT... THE... HELL... IS... THAT???!!!
    I've never... NEVER... believed in Hell. Now I do...
    By the quick look at this... fu**ing HUGE monster... its height is fifteen... maybe sixteen meters, it has long and thick head, thousands of fangs in its mouth, four massive hands with claws, another mounth in its chest, three legs and dark-red skin with black marks or painting of some sort... and it looks angry and hungry... This thing is starring at us without any movement..

    OH MY GOD!!!“ shouted Victoria
    FALL BACK!!“ I screamed afterwards
    Goddammit! We are -approximately- fifty meters away from this abbomination, but I feel we are right by legs...
    Jimmy...? Do you know a spell... for summoning a nuclear bomb?“ asked me Frank
    I'm afraid I don't...“
    Well... then we are fu**ed up...“
    Do you have a plan, right?“ asked Victoria
    No...“
    Can we get to the ship?“ asked me Victor
    No...“
    Are we gonna die here?“ questioned Reina
    Yes.“
    Thank you very much, man...“ mumbled Reina
    The monster now starring at Celticstar... He grabing the ship and now he throwing it behind his back!! Damn... it landed on oposite side of lake...
    AGHH!! My ears! That motherfu**er roars loudly! Even concert of DragonForce isn't that loud! If we want to get out of this, we need to figure out some plan. Yeah, I've defeated Mortidrake in Tartolis, but I'm not sure about...
    OH NO!! He moving to us!! This looks fu**ing bad.!! Allright... He wanna fight? I'll give him a fight!!
    LET'S ROCK!!!
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2017
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  2. Pangaea

    Pangaea Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    I'm going to just ignore the grammar and such, since you're aware of it already.

    The very first thing raises an interesting point. "It's morning -well, at least I think, because space is alway dark-" The use of the word morning feels out of place since morning describes a specific time as it relates to when the sun rises. Indeed, talking about what time it is in space is difficult because all of our concepts and language for time are centred on the rotation of the Earth on its axis (days) and its revolution around the sun (years). Such things would be useless off planet. Not really sure of a better way to describe the passage of time but it's something to consider.

    The use of different colours to denote different speakers feels ... really out of place in a narrative. It may work for something like an RP but in prose like this is just doesn't work too well. On the flip-side it can be annoying to write (and read) a bunch of he said/ she said every line with so many different characters involved. But it is what it is. On top of that, it feels very empty. There's no indication of expression or tone for the speakers and as a result all of the dialogue falls kind of flat. The characters don't feel like they have any depth because we don't really see them expressing any emotions. You also haven't really explained the appearances of the characters, which is important to draw a mental picture. In fact, there's very little description of anything at all.

    Otherwise, this was pretty interesting. I think I like the ideas presented. Could make for a really cool story! You've also obviously started with room for backstory which is good. And ending on a cliff-hanger is great too!

    Edit: I forgot to say this. A good way to break up the monotony of dialogue heavy sections is to describe actions and to avoid always starting paragraphs with the dialogue. That is to say, instead of always having [X dialogue by Y speaker] structure for each paragraph you could have [Y speaker doing Z action then X dialogue] paragraphs. Do you get my meaning?
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2017
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  3. I_am_the_Storm

    I_am_the_Storm Aquatic Astronaut

    Thank you for your feedback, Pangaea.

    I'm quite a beginner in writing. I'd should spend more time on this...

    A) The time flow is based on the Earth's time flow and diary keeps tracking the time on itself, so the protagonist know, what is the current time, even if he's not on Earth. But you are right. I'll consider the better explanation of it.
    B1) The colours set for each character are for better understanding, which character says what. There is 9 characters in the story so far; Jimmy, Reina, Frank, Victor, Carmaen, Victoria, Crodos and Heather. Amanda (Victor's sister) doesn't talk because her psychological problems from past. If there was just a few characters, I'd stick with one colour, but due the quantity of characters, I was 'forced' to make it easier via colours.
    B2) To be honest, I didn't realize I forgot to add words explaining the tone or diction of characters. During writing, I had the expressions in my mind, but I'd forgot, that people reading that will not know the tone I'd set up there. It is my bad. Same with the appearance of characters.
    C) Yes, I know what you mean. It's hard to have a good, meaningful dialogue with large number of characters without repeating the same words. Your example seems interesting, but I don't want to 'steal' your idea at the same time.

    I'll try to fix the issues you mentioned and improve the overall quality of text. I'll add some more information about the characters, their appearance and past.

    Thank you again for your feedback and thoughts. I really appreciate this.
     
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  4. Pangaea

    Pangaea Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Well, honestly, it shows a little but but don't let that discourage you! Becoming a better writer is all about practice and listening to constructive feedback to continually improve. If you're serious about writing then consider taking a class or utilising online resources (like google searching for tips for beginning writers).

    Again, using different colours for different speakers is not a technique used in traditional writing. It feels out of a place and could even cause some confusion for the reader to keep track of which colour belongs to which character. Different speakers should have different personalities and tones to their dialogue so eventually you'll reach a point where readers can successfully guess who is speaking based only on the words and tones of the dialogue. For example, in one of my stories there is only one character who uses the phrase "shut up" so any time it's used the reader can know who is speaking before I tell them.

    It's definitely not original to me so use it!

    I'm looking forward to more of your work!
     
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  5. I_am_the_Storm

    I_am_the_Storm Aquatic Astronaut

    Added more info about characters;
    Little bit extended some parts of story;
    Changed colours to black (Thank you, Pangaea. It looks better);
    Improved speech of characters for better recognition (see 'Characters for examples)
    Moved old text to spoiler;

    More stuff in progress!
     
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  6. Pangaea

    Pangaea Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Wow, much better! The opening was especially good. I really like "How can I properly use my magic abilities when I can't master my own mind?" It really gives insight into Jimmy's character because it shows his struggles. I also really liked how you addressed the issue of knowing what time it is whilst in space. (;

    A problem I see, though, is that you switch tenses. Which is understandable because it doesn't seem like English is your first language (correct me if I'm wrong!). It's important, in writing, to stay consistent with what tense you're writing in. In the diary entry in the beginning you start off in present tense. Once the other characters are introduced and you start with the dialogue you switch to past tense.

    Lastly, check out this thread. You could post there to get help with polishing your character(s).

    Keep working on it!
     
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  7. I_am_the_Storm

    I_am_the_Storm Aquatic Astronaut

    Thank you!

    Yes, you are right. English isn't my native tongue. Some words don't have proper counterparts in my language, so it's harder to find proper words for it. (I am Czech, if you want to know.)
    I'll try to improve tenses for characters and other things. There's always an option to improve something, isn't it?

    As soon as I'll have next part, I'll post it together with fixes and improvements (hopefully).
     
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  8. I_am_the_Storm

    I_am_the_Storm Aquatic Astronaut

    Added description of three characters (Victor Redford, Amanda Redford, Heather Moon)
    Added date of last update
    Removed 'Old text', replaced with 'Part I)
    Added new part of story with tons of text.
     
  9. Pangaea

    Pangaea Scruffy Nerf-Herder

    Slowly reading through all the new stuff. I'll comment when I finish it and give you my thoughts/advice.
     
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