OOC Entropic Evolution (The End...?)

Sorry for this Wilf....I know I aint the gm...

You need to have some weaknesses too @Dr. CB Hurst ...and nightmares is not an affinity. I would read the OP and familiarize yourself with what you need to know.

 

Alright, sorry, I've just been doing more serious RP'S for awhile recently, so I've been in that kind of mindset. I'll keep that in mind from now on. As of right now, I'm gonna take a break from critiquing people, I need to work on Mt own app. I should be able to finish it tonight, I think I have an app I can adapt pretty easily for this. (That's the handy thing about having a ton of characters, you have tons of templates )

 

Crikey, Crit's critical criticism has croaked!



...I apologize.

 

We'll be sitting here expecting a masterpiece..

 

sorry

 

It's no problem, I'm sure everybody learns by trial and error at one point or another..a lot of points for myself.

 

As everyone has been saying, this app does need improvement. My advice? Explain the backstory better! Who are the 40 thieves (the book is strong with this one)? Why did they raid the planet and kill his parents? Go more in-depth into the time before he applied to the A.I, to give a better insight into his quest for revenge.

 

I'll admit, I've made the same mistake before, it's better we tell you the it's and out's before anything major happens.

 

@critsarecool
Can you help me improve my app?

 

I did a smidge of adding to my application, don't know how I forgot them really..

 

So @Sir Wilfrey, is they a certain time we should be expecting the RP section, or should we just follow the "Wilfrey way" for now?

 

//Login Procedure.exe....Scanning Student Database....Identity Mismatch....Please Enter Identification Data Below//


[BASICS]


Full Name: Enok Tore


Gender: Male


Race: Glitch


Age: 46


Standard Apparel: Light brown robe, and wooden staff strengthened by gradual applications of earth magic until it is as strong as steel.


Physical Appearance: ‘Skin’ is a dark, earthy brown color, his eye sensors a light shade of forest green. Eyes are a bar stretching across half of his face. Approx. 5’11”.


[ADVANCED]


Reason for Application to A.I: To destroy the Ruin. Is that not everyone's reason for joining?


Planet of Origin: Desodious VI, a forest planet near to the system that Earth is, or, better yet, was.


Descriptive Backstory: Enok grew up in the forest with his clan, living a simple life as a hunter. He hunted the native beasts, and grew close to the land and it's denizens. He lived a happy life. Until the Ruin struck. Being as close as they were to Earth, Enok’s clan had very little time to prepare before their planet met the same fate. Enok was put on their colonization ship, and sent away, into the depths of space. He could only watch as what he loved and grew up in was destroyed. Eventually, the ship was found by a relief ship, and he was taken into the remains of the Terran Republic. There he trained with them, and he jumped at the chance for special training, to make his very thoughts into a weapon. The one thing he brought with him from his home planet was a walking stick, which he has strengthened with his Earth magic and is able to change the form of at will. Feeling unprepared for the A.I., he took a few years of extra training, becoming better attuned to his own Affinities.


Skills/Abilities:

Earthen: Vast control over the Affinity of Earth, learned through several years of additional training after going through basic. He can also use it to heal his body, given enough time.

Wise: Takes time to think things through, and determine the best choice in a fight.

Lively: Though at first glance he may seem a stoic, he is very open, often found cracking jokes and poking fun.


Negative Traits:

Slow: Not as spry as many who are joining, he isn't able to make the kind of moves that those more agile would.

Grandparent: He isn't very good with tech, having grown up without it for most of his life.


Primary Affinity: Earth

Secondary Affinity: Life


//Login Procedure Ending"The Universe; Enjoy, Defend, Understand"//

 

I can critique people too, if @critsarecool is too busy with stuff.
I love looking at flaws in other people (even when they have none)!

 

Maybe Friday, hopefully. Let's all hope no teachers tell me what a piece of shit I am all day and no students try to mug me again and I just may have enough energy to run this show.

Wow, you back up your talk well. I quite enjoyed that read. Welcome aboard Enok!

 

If you so wish, you can check out my character. Just go the the first page and check accepted students for a shortcut.

 

You can criticize mine! IIiiiiit has a lot of problems I feel

 

Actually, @Sir Wilfrey, I think I'm gonna submit a replacement app, if that's okay.
Also, I might not be very active on Friday and I won't be active at all tomorrow.

 

//Login Procedure.exe....
Scanning Student Database....
Identity Mismatch....
Please Enter Identification Data Below//

[BASICS]

Full Name: Char-Wood(Char)
Gender: Male
Race: Floran
Age: 27
Standard Apparel (Images Acceptable): A "cool" black human coat(It's about 300 years out of date), a bullet-resistant vest(that is also outdated,) and human jeans(that are several sizes too loose. And outdated.) He usually has a metal spear with him that is a little more than half as tall as his body.
Physical Appearance(Images Acceptable): A tall, wiry and muscular green-skinned floran with a large crest of reddish feathery leaves on his head.

[ADVANCED]

Reason for Application to A.I: "Fight bad things! Find big prey! Save galaxy!"
Planet of Origin: Spacer- he was born on a space fleet.
Descriptive Backstory: He was born and raised on a Floran hunting fleet, trained from a young age to fight dangerous animals. With time, he became more than capable, single-handedly taking down numerous beasts. He was recognized as a highly skilled hunter, quite an honorable position in Floran society. On one hunting expedition, he noticed that some of the creatures he was hunting seemed to be... different. Different in that they were more dangerous than the typical wild beast, but also... different in some other way. The encounters increased in frequency, and he began hearing rumors. Rumors about a disaster, rumors about a "Ruin", and eventually, rumors about some sort of advanced combat program, an idea which was, of course, naturally appealing to him. Investigation on this subject provided him with information on the "Techomancer" training. At his request, he was sent to the nearest training location, after being given a send-off by his crewmates. He was trained in Fire and Earth abilities, and proved to be quite skilled with them. He is ready to join the A.I, and prepared(And maybe a bit too enthusiastic) for combat.(I know, this backstory isn't very good. I'd appreciate some help improving it.)
Skills/Abilities:
-He wields a barbed, two-pronged spear in combat and has years of training with it. The spear serves as an elemental amplifier as well, allowing him to focus his abilities through it and increase their potency. He can also just stab things with it. That works too.
-He can use the focused fire abilities to attack at range or ignite the tips of the spear for close quarters combat.
-Can use Earth abilities to influence behavior of animals
Negative Traits:
-Too eager for combat. That could put him or others in dangerous situations.
-Significantly reduced combat ability and no ranged ability without the spear
-Earth abilities are very limited besides manipulation of animals
Primary Affinity: Fire
Secondary Affinity: Earth

//Login Procedure Ending
"The Universe; Enjoy, Defend, Understand"//

 

So a couple of things:

• You probably don't need to put down the T-shirt and jeans thing if you are going to have a robe covering it the entire time.
• "Isn't himself"? Might need to elaborate a bit on that part; could be something interesting if you expanded on it.
• How does Delzin use his affinities? Does he channel them through the sword, by pointing it at things?
• If I had the likelihood to shatter my sword whenever I used energy, I would probably never do that. Hard to measure when in an RP it is ok to say "YOUR SWORD'S GONE BLOKE"
• Instead of saying "Don't you dare touch them", maybe call it "Justice" or something.
• Muscled and skinny, yet not very strong?
  Other than these things, it looks alright!

 

• A red steel beam? (Should be rogue, not rouge.)
• How does one train physically and mentally in space? Counting by two's while you attempt to do a sit-up?
• "Always having a weapon" is a very precarious thing to have for an ability. Maybe make it so that it requires intense mental concentration to keep up?
• Being colorblind is not a weakness (at least not one that stands out). Either replace it or make it more aggravated in some way.
• "Will not tolerate threats": I don't think most people in the universe tolerate threats either. To make one unique, either elaborate or replace, as I always say.
  
• Your character seems to be just suited for combat right now. While that necessarily isn't a bad thing, you may want to look into toning down this section so that you can have more "power" in other sections, such as different skills.
  Other than that, looks to be ok. Will edit if I see more things that are wrong.