Another Day On Earth

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Jmack115, Apr 23, 2017.

  1. Jmack115

    Jmack115 Orbital Explorer

    it's been a year since the ruin attacked earth i'm stuck here on earth and you would think the ruin is the biggest threat here but trust me it's not the ruin one day started to die and now it's gone something happened to it but i can't worry about that now my name is nick Rodgers and i'm stuck on earth i spend my days looking for food and shelter but if i don't starve or freeze i could be killed by the raider bands of humans on what's left of this planet no one has come for us yet i assume because they think all life on earth is gone but trust me it's still very lively i used to live in my moms basement when life was normal when the incident went down she was out shopping the suburbs weren't hit as hard as the major cities i can't begin to imagine what those places are i used to joke about how if the apocalypse came i would be fine and to an extent i'm better off than a lot but i just don't know how long i can continue like this the day it all ended i was watching the protectorate graduation ceremony on the tv the lady on tv was in the middle of her speech when i heard a boom from the speakers a red strike was dripping down the camera lenses i looked outside at the city monsters and massive tentacles were swarming the city and were coming for the neighborhood i locked the door and closed the blinds i got down stairs as i panicked in my room i realized my mom was in the city and i started to cry suddenly i heard a boom i went up stairs and looked out the curtains i giant beast the size of a building was walking down the street it reminded me of a scene from the mist i remembered how terrifying that movie was and thought how funny i found it that people far in the past had predicted the future thinking back i have come far from those first few days i took me a week to go outside and a month to go past two blocks(i will wright more but keep in mind im not the best at editing and only wright when inspired)
     
  2. Jonesy

    Jonesy Sarif's Attack Kangaroo Forum Moderator

    It's an interesting idea to give a recount of someone who survived the emergence of the ruin, but I'm afraid this has a lot of problems.

    Firstly, there's no punctuation. At all. Not even a full stop or paragraph break, so technically you posted a 400-word sentence encompassing a paragraph. That makes it nearly impossible to follow. Identify where sentences start and end, ensuring that they accomplish their goals. Same deal with paragraphs, but while keeping a good balance of spacing. Also use capital letters where appropriate, including for names (i.e. Nick Rodgers, Protectorate, etc.) and acronyms (i.e. TV).

    Secondly, you're focusing solely on description and exposition, without any real emotional weight to it. Realizing his mother has likely been killed would indeed make the protagonist cry, but simply saying "I started to cry" is very matter-of-fact for someone who's witnessing the apocalypse. Nor can you believably segue from seeing a tentacle beast destroying a building to remembering a scary movie to how funny it is that people incorrectly predicted the future. If this is a personal record, actually go into some details about how he feels and why, while keeping it believable. This is taking place a year after the end of the world, so I'm guessing the guy's looking to the past with a depressed mindset. And given the eldritch nature of the Ruin, perhaps make it clear that they had trouble understanding what was happening.

    Thirdly, related to the previous point, you need to establish a format and subsequent tone for this piece. Is it a diary entry? A distress message? A suicide note? Tailor the language appropriately for the context, so he's not just soullessly reciting what happened to him. If it's a verbal piece, make him stutter. If it's a diary entry, include an entry number. It also seems a bit clumsy to introduce the character's name a sentence or two in like you did, instead of at the beginning or end (depending on the format).

    Finally, 'Wright' is the surname of the brothers credited with inventing the airplane. It is not synonymous with 'write'.

    Also, the Writing section of the Social subforum isn't used for Starbound Fanfiction, so I've moved it to the dedicated Fan Fiction section of the Starbound subforum.
     

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